“No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.”

Off Switch

I accomplished a great deal yesterday. Today, I’ve barely managed to pull off the mandatory tasks. I squeaked by with incredible effort. I can’t believe it’s early evening. I feel it should be around 2 PM at the latest. So much for my plan to turn in early tonight.

My off switch has never worked properly. Once I’m engaged in a task, it’s difficult to stop. I’d like to believe I have a bit of control over it, despite evidence to the contrary. I haven’t definitively determined what triggers it to become worse. Not even close. I have two hypotheses; both discouraging. Sigh.

I love being completely absorbed in what I’m doing. It’s like stepping out of time, letting go of everything, including my body, and focusing only on what I’m doing. Leaving that state makes me want to weep. But I’ve accepted I must, often. Not doing so often enough is the equivalent of living under a rock.

I’ve learned it’s not the way I want to exist, much as I love it. It murders my ability to socialize, for starters. (I’m always going to regret not finding out about Stevie Nicks sooner.) There are excellent reasons to check in with the rest of the world on a regular basis, and I’m absolutely interested.

The thing is, acknowledging the world outside my head is borderline sadistic. There’s a shitload of pain out here, and I’m unshielded. I don’t have the experience in coping necessary to navigate without rivers of tears; so I tend to retreat when I sense I’m failing and have no clue what I’m doing wrong. (I despise that feeling.)

My decision to attend a Fleetwood Mac or Stevie Nicks concert in the future is turning out to be an effective retreat deterrent. (At least when it’s voluntary.) I need to stay connected, so I’ll know when they go on tour. I already had the terrible, awful nightmare where I discover I missed out because I was too distracted to get tickets. I woke up and immediately began bawling like it really happened. I’m such a doof. Heh. But it was horrible!

I’m going to work out a new time management strategy. I keep adding new things, but there are still only 24 hours in a day. My bad. This is my reward for bragging about my math skills, eh? The universe is hilarious (sometimes.) I’m off to read.

“It’s not like you’re launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys.”

I had a good weekend.  I’m in a band, now.  I accepted without asking any of the obvious questions.  Such as, what’s the name of the group?  I’ve made a note to find out this weekend.  (Among other things.  Heh.)  I was just so happy to be invited, it didn’t cross my mind.

Today has been slippery.  Most of the day got away from me.  I had a meeting this morning and a violin lesson after lunch.  I didn’t have any further demands for the rest of the day.  At first, I felt anxious about it.  It feels like driving without a seatbelt when I don’t have anything to do.  It’s too loose and uncomfortable.

I got dangerously close to panicking.  When I saw my window of escape was quickly shrinking, I jumped through in the nick of time.  I sat down and thought about Stevie Nicks.  It totally worked.  I ended up watching the first three episodes of Grace and Frankie.  (Stevie Nicks likes watching TV.)

gracefrankie

I know Stevie Nicks is a big fan of Game of Thrones, but I can’t handle the TV show.  So I wondered what she’d watch on Netflix.  Heh.  (I’m such a doof.)  Grace and Frankie looked promising.  One of my oldest TV memories is of Lily Tomlin in a rocking chair that made her look like a little girl.   (I’ve loved her ever since.)

Grace and Frankie is fabulous.  I kept telling myself to keep my expectations in check, it’s just TV, and they keep blowing my freaking mind.  No wonder Netflix and Amazon Prime Video are raising their rates.  (They’re showing network TV why so many of us abandoned them altogether in favor of amateur podcasts and access to all the music.)

I was so engrossed in the show when I looked up again, it was dinner time.  We had a blizzard today, and it’s still windy.  The sound of howling wind reminds me of Patrick Rothfuss.  I’m off to start rereading his novel; The Name of the Wind.  Peace.