“No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.”

Off Switch

I accomplished a great deal yesterday. Today, I’ve barely managed to pull off the mandatory tasks. I squeaked by with incredible effort. I can’t believe it’s early evening. I feel it should be around 2 PM at the latest. So much for my plan to turn in early tonight.

My off switch has never worked properly. Once I’m engaged in a task, it’s difficult to stop. I’d like to believe I have a bit of control over it, despite evidence to the contrary. I haven’t definitively determined what triggers it to become worse. Not even close. I have two hypotheses; both discouraging. Sigh.

I love being completely absorbed in what I’m doing. It’s like stepping out of time, letting go of everything, including my body, and focusing only on what I’m doing. Leaving that state makes me want to weep. But I’ve accepted I must, often. Not doing so often enough is the equivalent of living under a rock.

I’ve learned it’s not the way I want to exist, much as I love it. It murders my ability to socialize, for starters. (I’m always going to regret not finding out about Stevie Nicks sooner.) There are excellent reasons to check in with the rest of the world on a regular basis, and I’m absolutely interested.

The thing is, acknowledging the world outside my head is borderline sadistic. There’s a shitload of pain out here, and I’m unshielded. I don’t have the experience in coping necessary to navigate without rivers of tears; so I tend to retreat when I sense I’m failing and have no clue what I’m doing wrong. (I despise that feeling.)

My decision to attend a Fleetwood Mac or Stevie Nicks concert in the future is turning out to be an effective retreat deterrent. (At least when it’s voluntary.) I need to stay connected, so I’ll know when they go on tour. I already had the terrible, awful nightmare where I discover I missed out because I was too distracted to get tickets. I woke up and immediately began bawling like it really happened. I’m such a doof. Heh. But it was horrible!

I’m going to work out a new time management strategy. I keep adding new things, but there are still only 24 hours in a day. My bad. This is my reward for bragging about my math skills, eh? The universe is hilarious (sometimes.) I’m off to read.

“It’s not like you’re launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys.”

I had a good weekend.  I’m in a band, now.  I accepted without asking any of the obvious questions.  Such as, what’s the name of the group?  I’ve made a note to find out this weekend.  (Among other things.  Heh.)  I was just so happy to be invited, it didn’t cross my mind.

Today has been slippery.  Most of the day got away from me.  I had a meeting this morning and a violin lesson after lunch.  I didn’t have any further demands for the rest of the day.  At first, I felt anxious about it.  It feels like driving without a seatbelt when I don’t have anything to do.  It’s too loose and uncomfortable.

I got dangerously close to panicking.  When I saw my window of escape was quickly shrinking, I jumped through in the nick of time.  I sat down and thought about Stevie Nicks.  It totally worked.  I ended up watching the first three episodes of Grace and Frankie.  (Stevie Nicks likes watching TV.)

gracefrankie

I know Stevie Nicks is a big fan of Game of Thrones, but I can’t handle the TV show.  So I wondered what she’d watch on Netflix.  Heh.  (I’m such a doof.)  Grace and Frankie looked promising.  One of my oldest TV memories is of Lily Tomlin in a rocking chair that made her look like a little girl.   (I’ve loved her ever since.)

Grace and Frankie is fabulous.  I kept telling myself to keep my expectations in check, it’s just TV, and they keep blowing my freaking mind.  No wonder Netflix and Amazon Prime Video are raising their rates.  (They’re showing network TV why so many of us abandoned them altogether in favor of amateur podcasts and access to all the music.)

I was so engrossed in the show when I looked up again, it was dinner time.  We had a blizzard today, and it’s still windy.  The sound of howling wind reminds me of Patrick Rothfuss.  I’m off to start rereading his novel; The Name of the Wind.  Peace.

You know, George told me that he thinks you’re totally cute.

I’m home.  I’ve met with my therapist once, since I’ve returned, and am probably going to meet with her again tomorrow.  The strangest part, is that I’m meeting her because I’m doing surprisingly well under the circumstances.  In my effort to do even better, and stay focused on priorities, I welcome her assistance.  My focus has been less than ideal of late, but I’m not allowing it to become an issue.  Instead, my strategy right now is to allow myself to chase The Shiny for a while.  So I’ve been playing Warcraft quite a bit, since the new expansion was released.  I won’t decide how I feel about it until I reach level 110 on at least 2 toons.  So far, it’s held my attention well, and the scenery is nicer than Draenor.

It’s also nice to get back to Dalaran.  I really loved The Lich King expansion.  It seems like so long ago that I griped about having to do a daily dungeon run.  Little did I know then that a farm, a garrison, and a shipyard were about to make that minor chore look reasonable.  I don’t mind doing these things in the game at all.  I just regret that I rarely find time to do as much as I’d like.  Role playing with my toons in WoW is so much more straightforward and logical than real life.  I feel like I have a good handle on things in the game, and that’s a nice feeling.  Talking is optional, socializing can be done on my own terms, and I rarely suffer from Foot-in-Mouth Disease when gaming.

I’m also playing No Man’s Sky on Playstation 4.  I rarely pre-order console games, but this one caught my attention long before it was released.  I’ll review my thoughts on it at another time.  I’ve been sleeping more than is normal for me.  I must need it, but I’m not enjoying getting up later.  It’s shifting my entire schedule a few hours forward, leaving me feeling out of sync.  I know it’ll self correct in a few days, but in the meantime, it’s taking a toll.  I’m off to read.