“Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me.”

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I’m back from Denver.  It’s snowing here, so yay.  Tomorrow I’m going to tell my boss I want to be a partner, or I quit.  I know I’ve said I wanted to be a peon with no responsibilities for a while, but it’s been getting on my nerves.

It’s painful to watch someone make poor decisions out of inexperience, and not know whether it’s wise to intervene.  I know money is fake, but I’m intensely conditioned to cringe when it’s thrown away for no good reason.

I hate being a civilian.  I hate working with people who don’t care about a company for which they’ve willingly dedicated much of their time.  It raises my blood pressure.  I thought I would fare better in an academic setting, but instead, I was surrounded by too much theory, not enough experience, and closed minds.

When a professor told me what I wanted to do wasn’t possible, I silently wished for an immediate refund on every penny spent on my tuition.  I was so offended.  I didn’t censor filter myself much back then.  I said, “You mean you can’t imagine how I’m going to do it.”  And I did it.  Dammit.

My expectations of higher education were so far off the mark it’s laughable in hindsight.  I was disappointed, but it was a significant lesson.   The lesson I’ve learned from working as a civilian is to always be the boss.  I’ll be delighted with whatever happens tomorrow.  I can’t be a peon for someone with less experience and initiative.

I thought I needed to step aside for the millennials to take over, but I forgot they need us to show them the secret handshakes, first.  I’ve felt like I’m stuck in a time warp since I got out of the service.  The military is more advanced in many ways.  (The reason is too scary to dwell on.)

I do believe these younger generations (Y and Z) are going to reshape how westerners think.  Thank goodness.  It’s beautiful to watch them enforce a higher standard of how we treat one another.  If this is you, thank you.  I see what you did there.  🙂

 

FFS

I still haven’t finished the sites.  I’m close, though.  I’m going to set December 15th as launch day for 2 out of 3.  That’s the day I’ll begin work on the remaining site.  Ironic that PTSD symptoms get in the way of my building the PTSD site.  My winter hyper is setting in.  Being able to remain seated at my desk is getting harder.  I get up a lot.  Too much.  The standing desk didn’t work because of vertigo.  The stationary bicycle didn’t work because it wasn’t natural for me to pedal and work at the same time.  That turned out to be a really poor choice.  Sitting on the floor with a laptop and noise cancelling headphones is semi successful.  The only problem being my cat curling up in my lap, and then when I do get up, she acts put out.

So putting a computer on my kitchen island, and half sitting and walking around a lot is what I’m doing.  I need to run outside.  It’s still snowing.  We accumulated about 10″ so far.  Someone fell and broke her hip today, which has led to my chickening out.  It’s painful not being able to run outside.  It makes me want to cry.  I’m going to go swimming later, to see if that helps this horrible feeling.  I did alright when I played hashtag games.  I even sat still for a bit while laughing.  I’m frustrated, and being so is messing with my ability to find the root cause so I can correct it.

My nephew is coming back this weekend.  He’s going to take me skiing locally if possible.  That will help, even though I mostly ski on my face.  I’m irritating myself because I’m whiney.  Fuck!

#connection

It snowed all day and it’s still snowing now.  We had a brief reprieve, but it’s supposed to continue through tomorrow.  I love it.  It looks pretty through a window.  I went out in it very briefly to pick up a package at the office.  They haven’t plowed yet, so I went slowly and pumped my breaks.  I slid a little, but nothing startling.  I know how to drive in snowy weather.  The last I checked, there had been 71 car accidents, and that was 5 hours ago.  This happens every year.  The first few snowfalls cause massive amounts of fender benders, and then people remember that snow requires slowing down.

I got the gym to myself for the last 2 mornings.  The cute guy went swimming instead of weights.  I know you’re not supposed to lift every day to allow your body to heal, so I’m thinking he’ll be there tomorrow.  We’ll see.  I do like having the gym to myself, though.  I turn off all the TV’s that people leave on all night, (eyeroll).  Then I put on my headphones and rock out while I run.  I know they leak sound, but the treadmill probably drowns it out.  I don’t wear my Grado’s in the gym because they leak a lot.  I use my Audio Technica M50x’s because they have interchangeable velour ear cups.

My slip over studs for my running shoes turned out to be crap.  I lost half of the traction pegs the first time I used them.  I can get replacements, but I didn’t realize they were disposable.  Poor engineering.  The snow is too deep to run now, because I can’t see the ground, and that can be super dangerous.  I even tripped when going to get my package earlier.  The Voice was really good tonight.  I also liked the first 2 episodes of the new show with America Ferrera.  They showed a Force Awakens commercial.  Bonus.

I played hashtag games a few times, and noticed some that one of my followers was posting.  They were basically her admitting things about her upbringing that broke my heart.  Hashtag games can be a safe way to empty the ghosts out of a closet.  The overall goal is to be funny, but sometimes being honest is better.  I let her know that I was reading them, and that I could see that she was being honest, and sent her hugs.  She admitted it was mostly true, and put a link to her blog.  I went and read it.  It explained a lot of what she was tweeting.  I felt bad that I told her I hated her parents, because she lost her Dad at a young age.  I couldn’t apologize for it though, because it’s still true.

I saved the link after reading several entries.  She takes Prozac too.  She also mentioned having a sociopathic older sister.  I wanted to say hey I have a sociopathic older sister too!  But then I thought about it, and figured that it’s not something to high five over.  I stopped reading after that because it’s too close to sleep time, and I was afraid of coming across something that might trigger me.  One thing that seems to separate me from others with similar issues surrounding depression and childhood trauma, is how they react.  Heather reacted the way she did.  Everyone I have read about did too.  The promiscuity and drug abuse.  I don’t know why I never turned to either.  Maybe it’s because I’m autistic.  I’m glad I didn’t, of course.

It was nice to feel a connection with her.  She’s super funny in hashtag games.  On her blog too.  I’ll read the rest tomorrow.