“Just wanted you to know that your checking account is overdrawn.”

Emergency ward entrance

Things are possibly about to get uncomfortable around here.  I’m going to talk about my process of forgiving individual care providers who have mistreated me at the Sioux Falls VA, (SFVA.)  I’ve been working on forgiveness for several months, now.  I’ve done well enough; I was able to enter the VA building and get my annual checkup and visit the dental clinic.  I have no intentions of seeking care with mental hygiene.  My skin has always been an insurmountable barrier to getting any treatment there.  (Abuse and medication are the only options since I got out of the service.)

Frankly, I’m embarrassed by this sorry state of affairs.  Fortunately, I’m capable of healing without subjecting myself to the people as mentioned above, who chose to behave horribly toward me when I asked for help.  I have the tools, map, vocabulary, the ability to recognize healing, and the support.  My goal is to die with a healthy, healed spirit at peace with the world as it is.  I don’t know what, if anything, occurs after death.  I live my life in a manner that allows me to feel proud of myself for persistently striving to be my best possible self.  (It makes enjoying my own company delightful.) 🙃

I’m accountable in this process to myself and my life partner.  I accept course corrections and guidance from the members of my social tribe and others who offer wisdom through various media.  I learned a great deal during the traumatic period of my life when my (elite military forces veteran) ex-husband stopped taking medication for his mental illness.  It took me years to process it all.  Some SFVA providers automatically disbelieved, verbally abused, and humiliated me when I went there seeking assistance.  I won’t forget, but I will forgive it.

gesture saying no

I’m struggling to forgive the ER doctor, who when I reported rape, offered to do an exam.  I refused the exam, and he took my refusal as permission to ignore my report altogether.  When I first entered the SFVA after being raped and tortured, my ability to find the words to describe my state of mind, and what just happened, was grossly lacking.  Not because I’m autistic, but because I’m human.  All I could do was hold back the scream that was threatening to escape and never end.  That I even managed to get out the word rape, is heroic.

Sadly, I was black that day, too, she said, disgustedly.  South Dakota is a red state, meaning Republicans are in charge.  Republicans motto should be:  We hate abortion, but we love racism, rape, homophobia, and god.  Facts.  A holy bible was signed by 45 and sold on eBay – eleven damning words, yo.  It’s uncanny how well they sum up many Republicans.  I’m not a Christian.  I used to think I understood what holy meant in respect to the bible.  I don’t know anymore.  The word Christian doesn’t mean anything to me any longer.  I feel like an ass for believing for so long that it defined someone actively striving to live as taught by Jesus Christ.

When I was a member of a fundamental Christian church in my late teens, (cult according to family 🤭), I had an experience that shook me to my core.  I asked Jesus (in my head) if it was wrong to be other than heterosexual.  I didn’t expect an answer, but I wanted to know from Jesus.  (I didn’t trust anyone else to tell me the truth.)  I didn’t hear words or anything like that.  I felt a moment of intense intimidation like Jesus threatened me if I dared to mistreat anyone.  It scared the shit out of me.  I wish I could articulate the experience more clearly, but that’s my best attempt.

child reading bible

It more than answered my question.  It’s also why I don’t call myself an atheist.  I can’t undo that incredible, scary experience.  There are a few other things involving strangers who helped me in extraordinary ways, including a woman who held me after the first time my ex-husband hurt me.  I was hysterical and confused, as it was out of nowhere and defied past behavior and logic.  Neither of us knew he was sick at that time.  We were both on active duty in the Army, and I was in a Circle K convenience store, weeping, disheveled, and trying to hide.

It was just what I needed at the perfect moment.  My spirit insists the universe had something to do with it.  Things like this make it hard for me to dismiss God altogether.  When I look at how numerous people around me who identify as Christians behave and treat me, I’m wary of association.  I don’t know many who live as though they believe what’s written in the Holy Bible, (new or old testament.)  We each decide how we experience life, and how we interpret scripture, or not.  Actions still speak louder than words.

I was just following orders.  – ICE members when hell demands payment, probably.

I have no respect for those who claim such association while embracing things like rape, homophobia, and racism.  These are traits of people who fail at coexisting with other humans who do them no harm.  Fortunately, they’re all going to die.  Yay.  If you’re a Republican and don’t support these things, why are you a member of a group that openly, loudly does so?  Association is support.  I’m off to continue reading, Fall; or Dodge in Hell, by Neal Stephenson.  It’s so good! 💜✌🏾