A ramble

Today I should totally go to the airport and pick up my car.  It’s supposed to be done snowing for now.  I’m not looking forward to it.  But I need to get food.  And run some errands.  The streets should be plowed by now.  My cat is back to her normal self.  I lost my wallet.  I’m pretty sure I left it in the taxi.  Fortunately, none of my cards were in it, as I put them in a shielded case.  It was a Tokidoki wallet that I probably can’t replace since they’re limited and sell out quickly.  I’m not too upset about it.  It could have been a much worse scenario.

I haven’t felt well for the last day or so.  I’m not surprised when I recall the number of people coughing on the plane home.  When I did my run this morning, I used the treadmill in the main gym.  I was the only one there.  I think it’s funny that for a few weeks following new years, a bunch of people will start using the gyms with good intentions of making it a new lifestyle.  But after a few weeks, it’ll be back to the usual people.  I don’t know when exercising became optional.

I didn’t sleep well last night because I had bizarre dreams.  I only remember that they were strange.  I’ll be glad when the holidays are over so I can get back to work on an game I’m almost finished with.  I’m waiting on the illustrator for now.  Then on to adding voices.  I have beta testers lined up as well.  It should come together nicely.  I have to work out a marketing plan too.  Right after I find out what a marketing plan entails.  That’s as far as I can look ahead without getting overwhelmed.

Dang, I think I’m getting a cold.  I’ve sneezed about 10 times since my run.  I ended up taking my macbook pro instead of my gaming laptop.  Once I got it loaded into the backpack with my mouse and the power cable, the backpack was too heavy.  I’m glad I went with my R2D2 carryon and a smaller backpack.  The wheels came in handy, and a lot of people complimented it.  I still feel a little bit unsettled from my routine being altered while I traveled.

I’m looking forward to moving in a way.  I should say I’m looking forward to being settled in my new home, and comfortable in my new routine.  My anxiety has creeped back.  I’m trying not to be hyper aware of it.  Just knowing there’s a way to take a rest from it helps.  Once I finish my errands, I’m going to set up my new guitar.  I need to order a strap for it.  I’m excited to start playing it.  Seeing Marie Osmond on a nutrisystem commercial now.  She must have had work done.  She was never this hot when she did her show with Donny.  She looks great.  Hollywood is like the real Twilight Zone.  A microcosm of vanity.  It baffles me on so many levels.  I’m off to shower.

FFS

I still haven’t finished the sites.  I’m close, though.  I’m going to set December 15th as launch day for 2 out of 3.  That’s the day I’ll begin work on the remaining site.  Ironic that PTSD symptoms get in the way of my building the PTSD site.  My winter hyper is setting in.  Being able to remain seated at my desk is getting harder.  I get up a lot.  Too much.  The standing desk didn’t work because of vertigo.  The stationary bicycle didn’t work because it wasn’t natural for me to pedal and work at the same time.  That turned out to be a really poor choice.  Sitting on the floor with a laptop and noise cancelling headphones is semi successful.  The only problem being my cat curling up in my lap, and then when I do get up, she acts put out.

So putting a computer on my kitchen island, and half sitting and walking around a lot is what I’m doing.  I need to run outside.  It’s still snowing.  We accumulated about 10″ so far.  Someone fell and broke her hip today, which has led to my chickening out.  It’s painful not being able to run outside.  It makes me want to cry.  I’m going to go swimming later, to see if that helps this horrible feeling.  I did alright when I played hashtag games.  I even sat still for a bit while laughing.  I’m frustrated, and being so is messing with my ability to find the root cause so I can correct it.

My nephew is coming back this weekend.  He’s going to take me skiing locally if possible.  That will help, even though I mostly ski on my face.  I’m irritating myself because I’m whiney.  Fuck!

Kaisai

Today has been awesome.  I got 3 hours of continuous sleep.  Yay!  No nightmares.  Shoutout to estrella1982 for suggesting I look into lucid dreaming.  It’s fascinating, and I’ll absolutely be utilizing the technique.  I started my dosage change today.  Prozac has a long half life, so it’ll be about a month before the change takes effect.  It helps that I run because it requires me to remain well hydrated, and helps flush toxins out of my body faster.

I followed a woman on Twitter recently, and have discovered that I struck pure gold.  She’s beautiful, kind, and makes Vines that encourage people to be loving and accepting.  Plus she’s a cat lady.  Gold.  I got my responses back from Twitter regarding the racist harassment I endured a few days ago.  They basically praised their own concern for preventing harassment on the site for the first half of the email, and then told me that they didn’t find anything they consider harassment in the screen shots I sent in my reports.  I have since perused their rules regarding harassment, and discovered that unless someone directly threatens to kill you, or commit suicide, they don’t care.  So I wasn’t surprised by their email.

I accept that this is their stance on the topic.  I’ve decided to continue utilizing the site with my more thorough understanding of the role they’re willing to take in keeping the site safe in their view.  Logic is easy to accept.  I’ll utilize the block feature more readily in the future, should I encounter such hatefulness and racism.  It’s the perfect tool to assist me in protecting myself.  For some reason, in the instance I reported, I had to block the person twice before it took effect.  It could be that I double clicked the option rather than a single click.  I’ve done that with favoriting before.

I would like a more tactile option.  Like a huge red button mounted on the wall that I could whack with a purpose when encountering such unpleasantness.  But instead, I’ll just visualize it.  I’m not playing in the hashtag games today.  They are tags that encourage gore and violence.  Not my thing.  I know it’s not literal, but it’s still disturbing.  Heroes Reborn is on tonight.  I hope I can pay attention.  I missed The Big Bang Theory on Monday because I was having sensory overload issues.  Heroes Reborn is one of those shows that is right at the limit of what I can handle as far as violence and suspense.  I wish I could read it first.  Same with Minority Report.  

I’m presently reading, The Cycle of Arawn trilogy, by Edward W. Robertson.  It’s a fantasy series.  I’m liking it so far.  After that I have a new book by Amanda Palmer titled, The Art of Asking.  It was recommended by a friend on Twitter who’s awesome.  Every day she shares links to fascinating stuff.  Whenever I’m waiting for code to compile or content to render, I pop over to check my feed.  A few times, I’ve gotten absorbed in the hashtag games and spent more time than I should have goofing off.

I make up for it on the weekends, when I allow myself to hyper focus on my projects.  Allowing 2 days per week to let myself become completely absorbed in what I’m doing has been the best way to avoid meltdowns that I’ve discovered so far.  Aside from my cat, no interruptions are heeded.  I live for weekends.  I’ve been so much more social now that I’m paying attention to Twitter.  It’s hard.  Even though it’s mostly reading, it still can overwhelm me.  Today, someone I follow changed their avatar.  It really threw me.  I took a moment to stim and collect myself, and then forced myself to respond to it in the most positive manner I could muster.  She acknowledged my response, and mentioned she may put it back how it was in the future.  I felt relief at the prospect.

I’ve unfollowed a few people who change their avatar like most people change their undergarments.  I don’t understand why someone would do that.  It’s like changing your face.  It’s really upsetting.  But I’ve learned not to expect people to understand this.  Sassafrantz is the only one that doesn’t rattle me when she does this.  It’s not often, and she keeps tweets the photo of her new avatar when she changes it, and keeps the former one in her photo timeline.  That helps.

I can tell I’m still a little loopy from sleep deprivation.  My mind is all over the place hahaha.  My cat was so funny this morning.  I was laying on the floor beside her after my run.  I started to sit up to do my stretching, and she got so offended.  She made a loud, very long meow sound, and then hit me on the arm with her paw.  I don’t know what I did wrong that offended her, but it made me laugh really hard.  I guess she wasn’t ready for me to start moving again.  I apologized to her and then praised her for a bit while stroking her cheeks.  She settled, and I carried on.  So funny!  I think my cat is autistic too.  Here she is falling asleep on her Flintstones/Jetsons quilt I made her.