Oofda, I’m tired and sad. Using my massager to loosen the knots in my body from tension is an hourly task at the moment. I have a headache from continually clenching my jaw. I’m proud of myself for slamming on the brakes, taking a deep breath, and working on regaining control over my emotions before allowing them to transform into a rage.
Yesterday, I wanted to throw all police under the bus as if we’re hive-minded animals rather than individuals. A lot of us are grieving the loss of George Floyd. His cold-blooded murder is traumatic. I caught myself before allowing my feelings to be the boss of my actions. I’m the boss of me. Nobody else gets to dictate my behavior.
I hope for justice and condemn the blatant criminal behavior of those who murdered George Floyd. They very clearly demonstrated the destructiveness of a complete lack of emotional mastery, hate, and racist driven rage. I reject their example. Instead, I choose to continue to view all humans as individuals worthy of my love, kindness, and respect.
When some individuals mistreat me, I remove myself, because I refuse to invest in self-delusion, hatred, and destruction. Life is too short and precious to waste on performative behavior. Fuck the fakeness. We’re all going to die one day. I choose to experience reality while continually building myself into someone I respect and admire.
Racism is reversible. I know multiple people who succeeded in outgrowing it. Nobody is born a racist. We receive systematic training to adopt racist thoughts and behaviors. White privilege is unfortunately named because it affects all people; it’s like brainwashing. We’re all victims of an unhealthy, vile, racist mindset that started being inflicted upon us consistently from a very young age.
The media and our education systems teach lies about our history and fraudulently vilify specific groups of people as scapegoats for self-loathing. It’s a scam. I’ve spent decades exorcising white privilege from my mindset. I don’t believe it’s possible to avoid this taint as an American. It pisses me off how much time I wasted doing homework for school, only to find out the real homework is reclaiming my mind from the lies.
Self-loathing comes from knowing deep down your thoughts and behavior are harmful (sometimes even deadly) to people, while living in reality led by pretenders who refuse to grow or acknowledge the fraud. Their claims and actions oppose each other. They dodge accountability for their crimes and persistently act to convince the world their wealth and or power makes them immune to righteous disdain.
Anyone can claim respectable affiliation and pretend to uphold their purported values. But if their actions don’t match, you know they’re performing, not being real. Posers who put more value in how others perceive them than their self-esteem are phonies. Their ability to self-deceive is not a skill; it’s a severe flaw. They refuse reality and create a fantasy, then put forth great effort into conning others into believing their delusion.
They’ll do almost anything to uphold their false reality to maintain their image. It’s probably a lot of work to be fake. And the worst part is it’s never as satisfying as being real, because deep down, you know it’s bullshit, so you secretly loathe yourself. It’s no way to live. Fortunately, it’s a choice. Change is scary, but we all change all the time. We wouldn’t survive otherwise.
Anyone can decide to stop buying into the bullshit and take back control of their mind. We have amazing brains that even the best scientists barely understand. We generally hate being told what to think, but we’re all also subject to manipulation. Once you begin allowing others to decide what you think, it’s all downhill from there. It’s giving up your individuality for a hive mind.
I think our individuality is one of our best traits as a species. We have thoughts and feelings about everything under the sun. We’re alike in some ways, but we’re massively diverse in so many ways at the same time; it’s so cool. Collectively, I can’t imagine anything we can’t do as a species. I know we can outgrow the thought plague known as racism inflicted on us by long-dead cowards in history.
Just remember nobody is the boss of your thoughts but you. Nobody gets to dictate your behavior but you. Being fake leads to self-hatred, so practice being real and brave. Being vulnerable means risking getting your feelings hurt, but who among us hasn’t already survived that numerous times already? It’s better to respect and admire yourself for working hard to build yourself into who you want to be.
We’re human, so we’re going to make mistakes while we practice. Let’s try being kind and forgiving of the brave who choose to grow instead of self-delude. Let us not shame those who stumble on the way; let’s help where we can and grow together, eh? Fuck hate and fraud. We’re better than that. 💜✌🏽