“Oh yeah, the nipple. But besides that, how did you feel about Kramer’s work?”

Laughing

I finished building my workstation computer last night.  I had to remove the enormous Cooler Master MA610P RGB CPU Air Cooler, and it’s going back to Amazon, along with the non-working cable extenders, and the extra Cryorig H7 ordered accidentally, (a $10 return shipping fee.)  I think it’s the last PC tower I’ll be building, even though I probably said this last time.  Heh.

It’s incredibly fast, so I’m pleased with the outcome.  I’m most impressed with the G.SKILL TridentZ RGB Series RAM.  It looks fabulous with its cycling rainbow LED lights.  I wish motherboard producers would stop putting their drivers on a DVD, though.  It’s time to use stick drives as Microsoft does with Windows, (at least the LAN driver.)  I haven’t built a tower with a DVD drive in ages.  Software distribution by downloading is nearly universal.  I can’t think of an exception.

inside new build

I’m heading out of town soon.  The Depression Monster still has me in a headlock.  I don’t want to do anything.  Everything takes so much effort and makes me want to cry.  I guess it’s a good thing I forget about this shit once I’m feeling better.  The downside is how surprised I am each time I experience an episode.  I hate having to give myself a pep talk just to get up and go to the bathroom.  Fortunately, Amelia Bedelia is a sweetheart, and she follows me everywhere as if she’s lending me some strength.

My appetite has fled.  I forced myself to practice my drums yesterday.  I’m also almost finished rereading Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson.  I’m awed by its depth of understanding regarding PTSD.  It’s helping me in a manner I thought could be achieved through therapy, but unfortunately, I’ve never had a therapist who could see beyond my skin.  I regret how long it’s taken me to recognize it’s a dead end.  (I’ve met a few who saw me as human, but they weren’t available to treat me.)  Thank goodness for the incredible novels I’ve found, (Harry Potter series and the Cosmere stories.)

I listened to the latest episode of Gettin’ Grown with Jade and Keia on Tuesday.  They talked about how women of color are at a higher risk of certain diseases and conditions, and the necessity of maintaining checkups and preventative care.  They both admitted to neglecting to keep up their appointments and committed to scheduling them before the next episode.  I thought about doing the same, but then I recalled my predicament.  Subjecting myself to the treatment I’ve received at the Sioux Falls VA is sadistic.

I still liked listening to the podcast, though.  It’s something I look forward to each week.  I’m more interested in enjoying however much time I have left than potentially prolonging my life by enduring hateful people.  As much as I’d like to forget my experiences there, I’m grateful I remember because it prevents me from going back.  I could do without the nightmares, though.  The CBD oil has allowed me to sleep for at least four hours a night since I started taking it.  I only take a few drops before laying down (because it tastes horrible.)

I’m going back to Azeroth (World of Warcraft) to force The Depression Monster back into hiding.  Flying around and looking at the scenery while listening to my healing sisters (Stevie Nicks, Agnetha Fältskog, Lorde, Amy Lee, Beyoncé, and Sheryl Crow on my ultimate playlist) will help me shake free of this lingering melancholy.  Then I’ll follow it up with some comedians on Netflix and a lavender bath bomb before finishing my novel.  I’m feeling better just from typing this out.  Yay.

“I love The Drake!”

swing

It’s been a busy week so far.  I’ve been silent for a few days, meaning my ability to speak aloud has fled.  It happens every so often and to recover my voice I need to force myself to stop freaking out about it.  Fortunately, I have a short attention span.  It functions as Plan B because eventually, I forget I haven’t said anything in a while, and start singing again.  It’s just anxiety.

I don’t know why I’m so anxious lately, but whatever.  It’s possible I’m merely over-excited.  All my components for my new PC arrived, and I began building it last night.  It turns out, the CPU cooler I chose is too big to seat the four RAM chips I bought.  Sadly, I installed it before realizing it wasn’t going to work as planned.  I tend to function on auto-pilot too often, and this is a consequence.  For now, I’ll leave it and only use two chips.

I failed to research this particular component thoroughly enough.  Relying on reviews on Amazon and Newegg isn’t as useful as it was in the past.  Amazon used to be my favorite e-tailer, but now it’s more like a vast, unorganized garage sale.  The search function is a joke as third-party sellers place their items in any category they decide will get the most views, rather than where logic would dictate.  Half the time, the things I order are customer returns sold as new products.  I despise this practice so much I’m breaking up with Amazon altogether.

I’m finished assembling the PC, and only need to install the OS and drivers.  I’ll do it this weekend.  I’ve been thinking a great deal about Jesus lately.  I was given a different perspective on Christianity recently, and it’s rocked my world.  It might be why I’m not talking, now that I think about it.  Not enough resources left.  😂  My CBD oil should arrive tomorrow, and I’m hopeful it will lead to sleeping again.  I’ve spent my nights this week rereading Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson.  I’m finally quiet enough internally to process it as I read, which makes me so happy.

It’s feeding a part of me I don’t know how to identify, but I was so hungry it hurt.  It’s also contributing to my thoughtfulness.  It’s reminded me of the fact I see all humans as possibly Jesus interacting with me.  I remember when I learned I should treat everyone I encounter as if they might be Jesus in disguise.  It blew my mind profoundly as a kid.  I’ve since recognized the fact many don’t even see me as a human being.  I’m somehow less than that to many I’ve interacted with, and while it’s incredibly painful, it doesn’t change how I view others.

heather in the mist

Brandon Sanderson writes about this pain in Oathbringer.  It’s by no means the focus of the story, but it’s loud and clear.  It’s strange, but identifying a source of my inward pain is comforting.  When I’m able to understand, it makes healing easier.  At the core of my inability to identify as a Christian is my despair over the behavior of (self-proclaimed) Christians.  I’ve decided to let go of this distraction.  I do know a few who behave as if they believe Jesus is real.  I’m thankful to be aware of more than one because one was enough all along.  Silly me.  🙃

I’m incredibly relieved to have worked this out.  It’s done beautiful things for my joy-noticing ability.  I guess I not only had to climb out from beneath that rock, but I also needed to set it down.  That last bit is essential.  (I’m such a doof for carrying it around for no reason.)  😂  I finally understand why I love people so much, regardless of how they feel about me.  I don’t feel like a fool anymore.  It’s fascinating to me how much I’ve learned from people I’ve never met this year.  Most of them are much younger than me, too.

Now I understand why Stevie Nicks is my fairy godmother.  (Although not understanding had no impact on my ability to love her.)  I no longer feel weird for adopting Amy Lee as my little sister, even though she doesn’t even know I exist.  It’s not necessary.  I can still love her and learn from her.  Yay.  I don’t care that Lily is young enough to be my daughter.  She’s a friend and teacher.  As are Jade and Keia from Gettin’ Grown.  And so what if Lorde (Ella Yelich-O’Connor) is younger than kids I used to babysit.  Her music heals me.  I understand enough.  I now know being silent has more benefits than annoyances, so I won’t bother worrying about my voice returning.  I’m off to read about music theory.  Peace.  💜

 

“I’m exhausted. I’ve been on this street a thousand times. It’s never looked so strange.”

I’m so tired.  I’ve been acting as if I have infinite energy, (again.)  My body usually plays along with this delusion until I crash.  Good times.  At least I can hold my head up without too much effort.  I’m overwhelmed, but it’s a result of too much awesome in a short period of time.  I’ve been trying to piece together what happened, and devise a plan to calm down.  It started when Oathbringer, by Brandon Sanderson was released.  (Authorized Oathbringer artwork by Michael Whelan.)

I knew the overexcitement would level me if I didn’t pace myself.  Nevertheless, I didn’t.  I couldn’t read for comprehension because my mind was breakdancing.  Then I got a notice from one of those design-your-own-stuff websites.  It informed me the item I created infringed on Brandon Sanderson’s property, and therefore, was no longer available.  Oops.  I barely remember making it.  Someone bought it, and I owe Brandon Sanderson thirty-three cents. (I think it was a mousepad or something.)

It was kind of like seeing Obi Wan’s illuminated ghost in the sky, reminding me to use The Force.  So I set the novel aside to regain my focus.  It’s difficult to explain how significant the story is to me.  It’s helping me exist happily in my two worlds.  There have been a few times in my life where I’ve been broken to the degree I knew I could let go of one (or both) of my worlds.  (I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice.)

Autism feels like being stuck in extremes, and longing for middle ground, to me.  I suspect it’s why I find myself drawn to those with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.  I’m probably not complicated to anyone, but especially not to them, it seems.  I wonder if it played a factor in my attraction to my ex-husband, (he’s schizophrenic, but wasn’t diagnosed when we married.)  Being engaged makes me think about him lots lately.  More good times.

I read Artemis, by Andy Weir.  I loved it even more than The Martian.  It’s often hilarious.  Andy Weir is fabulous.  I still wasn’t settled enough to read Oathbringer.  So I returned to witches and vampires.  I’m reading the second in a series by Deborah Harkness, titled Shadow of Night.  I’m able to focus and am enjoying the series immensely.  I love reading about these creatures, and the fascinatingly different ways people write of them.

Fortunately, I’ll be ready to devour Oathbringer when I get home.  I’m enjoying our time in Denver, despite crashing today.  I’m going to watch more footage of Stevie Nicks on her latest tour next.  The one I saw earlier began my journey back to calmness.  She told the audience to go after our dreams, after pointing out how long she worked to make hers a reality.  She gave specific examples of things we should do, (which floored me.)  I know this sounds literally fantastic, but she told me to write the book.  So I’m going to do just that.  💜