I haven’t posted in a while. I was distraught and found solace in silence. During that time, I did a lot of thinking, growing, accepting, and letting go. I purged several rote beliefs that weren’t working out. I forced traumatic memories into a distant room in my mind and unimagined the door. I can’t forget them, but I don’t want to be owned by them, so they’ve been banished from my thoughts. The resulting lessons are all that matter.
Rebuilding myself was a painful process, but it was necessary. I like who I am now. I’m in the midst of transforming, but the groundwork exists. I know I’ll experience far less stress in the future. I’ve kicked guilt and regret to the curb, as I’ve finally grokked the ridiculous concepts they are. (Needless to say, I still have no time machine and am not actively trying to create one.) 😂
I looked back on the choices I’ve made thus far and noted patterns. When I was a teenager, I joined the Army. Soon after that, I joined a fundamentalist Christian church, as well. I see now a lot of my choices were because I didn’t know how to do life. I wanted instruction and desired to know all the rules. I believed and enjoyed following rules. They made me feel like I was doing life right.
I thought there was a right way and a wrong way, and I wanted to be sure I made right choices. The Army was excellent with rules and telling me what to do, and how to do it. I loved having manuals with diagrams for virtually every action, lots of tradition, history, and guidance. I fully intended to serve as long as permitted. I believed I made an incredibly wise decision by volunteering. I fell for all the recruitment tactics, thinking I was helping my community and nation. I thought I was a brilliant teenager doing noble work for a good cause. 😂
In reality, I was an American teenager. I don’t fault myself for volunteering to be (further) groomed by my country. I was clueless, enthusiastic, and incredibly naive. Now, when I remember reciting the Pledge of Allegiance as a child, I forgive myself. Of course, I fell for it. I was born without wisdom. I’ve since acquired a smidgen. The purpose of grooming is rape. I’m quite literal. I know myself well enough to accept I had to experience it to understand. I recognize I’m slow to grok reality.
The Army also afforded me the chance to visit other countries, which quickly led to realizing patriotism, nationalism, etc., were mere tools to create tools. People are as different as they are alike. Individuals, every one. At this point in my life, my only reliable classification system for humans: asshole or not. I hate assholes. I want nothing to do with any of them. I used to choose only to behave in a manner that doesn’t cause deliberate harm to others, regardless of how they treated me. After much thought and experience, I’ve abandoned this strategy.
There are a lot of humans on this planet. Most are striving to live their lives to the best of their ability in harmony with those around them. They have no interest in going out of their way to hurt other people. These are the people I love. There are also a lot of assholes living on earth. I no longer hold any compunction against killing any asshole who deliberately seeks to kill or torture me or those I love.
Assholes choose to be hateful, spiteful, vile, and destructive. They kill people for existing while being different, despite their not harming anyone. They lie, steal, cheat, and create misery merely because they choose to do so. I don’t care about them. They’re troglodytic vermin who are actively seeking to destroy our future as a species. I don’t value assholes. I’m glad they’re all going to die, (even if I don’t lift a finger to speed up the process.) I’m going to enjoy what remains of my life while avoiding them like the plague they are.
Not all are entitled to kindness, respect, etc. I’m so glad I finally believe this. I’m going to go enjoy being my new self; Alison who thinks, who hates assholes, and only values those who don’t seek to destroy. Me who throws away trash, and doesn’t look back or agonize where I can’t affect change. Yay.
P.S. Thanks for reaching out to me in my absence, Lily. Also to those who gently nudged in other ways. I love and appreciate you. Comments close automatically after a few days due to spam, (digital assholes.) 😂