“He’s even curtailed his auto-erotic activities.”

Woman reading the news and shouting, "That baby was mowing the damn lawn!"

I need to stop reading the news.  It’s killing me.  I don’t know how I slid back into my old habit of perusing and cross-checking multiple sources online a few times a day.  It doesn’t matter.  I need to refrain entirely for a while.  I looked at my face in the mirror today.  I’m not very visually oriented, probably because my vision sucks.  I usually glance without seeing, but today, I saw.

I look like I haven’t slept in a few days.  I’m dehydrated, nauseated, and depressed.  I’m also excited about upcoming concerts, hella resilient, and an expert at functioning despite discomfort and despair.  I sometimes wish I could find solace in sleep at these times, but it’s no friend of mine.  Instead, I must push myself to engage in specific activities until the issue resolves.  Fortunately, I’ve had lots of practice.

It used to frighten me whenever I felt this way.  I resent how long it took me to overcome the fear.  Now, it annoys me at most.  I’m usually reasonably good at training my brain to do what I want, but sometimes, I need lots of repetition before it clicks.  Fighting off depression is one of those times.  It took a long time to train myself never to presume humanity in others.  It was painful to learn, but not nearly as much as not knowing better.

I forced myself to practice my drums earlier.  I love to play, but when I’m depressed, it’s incredibly difficult to make myself do it.  I had fun, just as I knew I would.  There’s a new mix of Solo by Clean Bandit, ft. Demi Lovato.  I hated it the first time I heard it, but when I accidentally played it again, I discovered I love it.  I also enjoyed drumming to Ghost by Jaden Smith.  depression

I’m rehydrating so that I can hit the treadmill later.  Running in place is remarkably helpful when I’m so low.  I used to be able to throw a pity party and wallow a bit before I fought my way out from under a mountain of despair.  Eventually, I reached a point where I recognized feeling sorry for myself is also hysterically funny, which ruined it.  Heh.  (Pretending Wanda Sykes and Jerry Seinfeld were riffing off my negative thoughts did the trick.)

Now I work it out as quickly as possible and get back to my life.  I slept beneath my weighted blanket last night.  It felt like cold water and central air after crossing a desert.  M is out of town with his cousins, geeking out over the world cup.  They were astonished I can’t name a single team and wasn’t confident which sport.  I told them I enjoy watching sports exactly as much as they enjoy listening to me talk about AI.  I’m a wee bit embarrassed to report they grokked that immediately.  😂  (Noted.)

It was hot yesterday; my pink Puma’s melted.  I thought I stepped in some gum or something.  Then I realized the soles of my shoes were sticking to the concrete and melting off.  They were old enough the white treads were turning a bit yellow, but damn.  So I threw them away and ordered a new pair.  (I have a one out, one in policy with most things now.)  New shoes are almost as mighty against depression as viewing I’ma Be Me by Wanda Sykes.  🙃 💜


Puma sneakers

“So, you’re still master of your domain.”

Adidas Alphabounce Em

It’s hot today (86° F.)  The outdoor pools opened and are already busy.  I’m happy because I’m wearing my new running shoes.  Adidas Alphabounce EM’s.  They’re fabulous and bouncy.  They also make me an inch taller.  Bonus.  New sneakers bring me so much joy.  Props to Adidas;  the quality is impressive.

I can’t wait to break them in.  I’m changing up my fitness routine.  Running alone isn’t a sufficient exercise regime for me.  (I’d have to run a lot faster and farther for it to suffice.)  It’s more a stim with minor cardio benefits.  I’m going back to what Jane Fonda taught me, (because she’s 80 now, and she could probably kick my ass.)


High-impact aerobics is the best workout I’ve discovered so far.  It’s a full body workout in an hour.  It includes music and dance-like movements, which make it fun.  It sucks at the beginning because it’s 45 minutes of cardio similar to running at 75% speed, 10 minutes with weights, and 5 minutes of stretching.

My 5-miles a day runs at whatever pace I feel like running won’t save me from huffing and puffing my way through the first few sessions, (at least.)  I plan on using my marathon stick often to prevent soreness.  I have one for my feet, too.  I remember how fantastic I felt when I was at my peak fitness level.  I’m going back there to stay.  Bring it, menopause.

It helped so much when I was in school, too.  I’m planning to take a writing course next semester.  Now that I’m writing a novel, I want more information, and I have questions.  None of my previous coursework dealt with things like character development.  Most of what I know is from being a voracious fiction reader.

Aside from feeling like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, the writing is going well.  The novel I’m creating is series of interrelated short stories of a speculative fiction nature.  I’m having fun in the process.  I write for a while, then sit on my balcony and think for a bit, with a little pacing in the mix.  It seems to be my method.  I’m off to band practice.  ✌🏽


New Shoes

I was delighted to realize my custom Star Wars  Adidas shoes arrived today.  They turned out to be better than I was expecting, and also came with a Star Wars pull string bag.  Now I just need a Star Wars hat, and I will have a complete Star Wars outfit.  I have a black Adidas track suit with a Yoda image on the back of the jacket.  It has neon yellow stripes on the arms.

I’ll wear it when I go see the new movie.  I was hoping to go to the OTA meeting today.  Unfortunately, it sold out before I even heard about it.  It made me realize how out of touch I am with my own community.  I’ve spent so much time on the east coast with my schooling and research that I’m more familiar with that community.  I haven’t done anything to build networks locally since I got my PhD.  I guess because I don’t plan on staying.  I’m moving to Denver in a year, and have done some networking there with others on the autism spectrum.

Aside from the game series I’m working on, I haven’t followed up on any job offers.  I feel kind of bad about this, because I know deep down that the biggest reason is because the very idea of starting a new job with strangers gives me surges of anxiety.  It’s hard to recall that at 17, I entered the Army in a different state, where I knew noone.  I’m sure I was anxious then too, but that was before I had PTSD.  It’s changed me in many ways.  I’m not adventurous and daring anymore.  I realize that being so young played its part in that, but I can still sense that I’m less ambitious.

I try to keep that in perspective.  I’m not less, I’m different.  I’m a new me, and that’s okay.  My experiences changed me just as they do everyone else.  It’s normal.  Blahblahblah.  So, the new me isn’t even considering moving to Japan to start a new career.  I love anime and robotics, but I know how hard it is to move to a different country where you don’t speak the language.  I’m not up for that.  I’m disappointed in myself for not being up for it, though.

But I’ll get over it.  I have a plan, and am putting lots of time into my current projects.  That’s one good thing about being aspie.  I can hyperfocus easily.  I don’t really have an off switch once I get into what I’m doing.  I usually only stop to care for my cat, or to attend to my biological needs when I can no longer ignore them.   I haven’t had my period in a long time.  I can’t remember how long.  I know it’s because I got too focused, and didn’t eat enough for a while.  I’m starting to gain the weight back now, so it’ll probably return to normal eventually.  Not that I miss it.

After that happened, I’ve been doing better with eating.  I just need to try harder with having more variety in my diet.  I think part of the reason I struggle with this, is because I don’t understand why I can’t eat the same things for every meal every day.  I think it should be a good thing.  My frequent kidney stones disagree.  I did add a new fruit, though.  I like mangos now.  So there’s that.  Oh well, I better get back to being a code monkey.