“My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.”

orange in apple box

It’s beautiful and crisp with a breeze today.  I slept in for the first time in recent memory.  Yesterday was surreal because I finally broke out of rote mode completely.  Say hello to Alison 5.0.  I’ve gained some insight into how to control my ability to be present.  I hate how it sounds like psychobabble, but it’s too important to ignore.

I’m astonished by what I’ve discovered.  For my entire life, I’ve been told my way of thinking, feeling, and behaving is odd.  Abnormal.  Strange has been my lifelong companion.  I’ve accepted it as my default.  I don’t take on the negative connotations as part of the deal, though.  They only show up when The Depression Monster is lurking.

I’ve identified it as fact rather than flaw for the most part.  As I grow and learn myself, I notice behaviors I want to abandon along the way.  My methodology for achieving these changes is where I’m focused.  (I’m probably too excited about this to explain it well.)  My perception of the world has been my greatest asset all along.

I often joke about how I live life on a 3-second delay.  It turns out; it’s an advantage.  Yay.  Also, my constant internal dialogue is a skill, not a quirk.  It’s the key to my superpower ability to focus on one thing for several hours without losing that focus.  The hard part was learning to control my reaction to being interrupted.  (Being a child was the biggest obstacle in that regard.)

inner dialogue

New rule:  From now on I will not attempt to refrain from talking to myself.  I suspect I do it aloud when I’m either alone or if background noise is threatening to distract me.  I prefer being dismissed by others on sight to being interrupted.  When I slip into a rote mode, it’s because I’ve let go of my inner dialogue.

Instead of being present in the internal conversation, it allows all the background noise to take over.  It’s an extremely vulnerable state.  It’s like leaving the door unlocked in a shady neighborhood.  I don’t want to spend any more time in that state.  I’m kicking that shit to the curb now that I figured out how it works.

The background noise is a welcome mat for The Depression Monster and Anxiety.  It’s the opposite of focus.  It’s mental chaos.  Every fleeting thought gets an equal voice because my bullshit detector is offline.  All those times people have yelled at me out of exasperation for having no common sense comes to mind.  Sense requires being there to activate it.

Background noise is my ego unchecked in reaction to the world around me.  So, I’m donning some (figurative) background noise canceling headphones.  At the moment, I’m embarrassed it took me this long to notice.  45 has spent over a year demonstrating how an unchecked ego reacting to the world is not the path to a joyful, peaceful existence for anyone.  Operation Mute is in effect.  Peace.  💜