Today has been awesome. Early this morning, while continuing my rinse/spit routine and watching Teen Titans, the pain began to gradually ease. That’s the last thing I remember. I’m pretty sure my long blinks became sleep the moment I was freed from my disgusting ritual. I awoke to a ringing phone at around 9AM. It was a nurse from the VA, informing me that my primary care doctor got my note, and was sending me 4 oxycontin pills to give me some relief before my appointment on Wednesday. I was expecting the call, and it was a pleasant start to my day. Then I realized I wasn’t in pain. None at all.
I got up, made my bed, and started my morning routine. Every few moments, I remember the pain is gone, and celebrate all over again. Usually by marvelling at how the universe is so incredible. I’m pretty sure this is how atheists and agnostics pray. (Well, aside from the thousands of times a year we agnostics of the indoctrinated christian ilk thank a god we’re not certain we believe exists, within the privacy of our minds.) Heh. I’ve noticed some of the things I’ve learned today. I love when that happens. Perspective and relativity are continuing to boggle my mind on a near daily basis. My perspective on pain has shifted, now that I know my ability to cope is relative to my perspective. I’m no longer afraid of pain. Such a beautiful circle.
I also love how my dialect suddenly changes to gangsta rap when I’m feeling goofy, sometimes. It’s STIMAPALOOSA up in this bitch, ya’ll! (It’s especially funny to me, because I’m pretty sure I get it so wrong, it changes my intended meaning.) I’ll translate: I’m so happy, excited, relieved, astonished, surprised, and hyper in my apartment right now, everyone!!! I’m going to brag, (I think). I’m so proud of myself for managing to stop whining long enough to learn what my pain had to teach me. /brag
I’m also proud of scientists for vastly improving my odds of surviving, (and I’d like to retract all the bad things I thought in your regard, for not having already invented a pain elimination transdermal patch that can be conveniently printed and applied with my iPMC, (Pocket Matter Converter by Apple). I realize it’s a bit much to expect at this point, and I’m sorry I was so quick to minimize your superpowers). Okay, I see that I’m getting carried away with the parenthesis. I’ll stop. You’re welcome.
I also figured out what’s been hurting. I say hurting, but I don’t necessarily mean pain. I mean a background distraction that’s too blurry to zoom in on. I know it’s there, so it’s robbing part of my attention without my permission, until I identify it. It’s a lot like being nagged by someone with an annoying voice. You want to block it out on principle, but you half listen out of habit. My tolerance for this type of hurting is low. In fact, it seems to be a direct consequence of passing for neurotypical. I’ll have to think about that more. In some ways, I can see how therapy is resulting in my being more aware. So much of living with mental illness is exactly like playing chicken with yourself. It’s not for the faint-of-heart, which is ironic, because we seem to be the most susceptible to conditions like PTSD. It’s like a really shitty, hopefully self-correcting ailment, being faint-of-heart. That’s hilarious.
You’re faint of heart, so you get a brand new case of PTSD, along with some lovely parting neurosis! If you’re paying attention, you’ll figure out a way to outgrow it, but not for at least a decade! During which time, those many lucky contestants who are also susceptible to substance abuse, will be allowed to add the beloved game of Russian Roulette to the mix!
I’m a wee bit cynical. Consequences: That math that many do, but but few want to talk about. I suppose it’s my religion. I worship with music. It’s been absent from my life of late. I’m no longer playing violin with a group of locals, now that summer is over. Being unwell has prevented me from running. That’s a spiritual activity for me, and it always includes music. I run to music. I put lots of thought into my running playlist, and I change it once a month. I choose powerful music. The type you absolutely cannot remain still while hearing. When I decided to celebrate being pain free, the first thing I did was ask Alexa to play Kelly Clarkson.
First, she played a song I haven’t heard in awhile, and I sang along while stimming. Then she played, Stronger. I smiled, and immediately knew I found the itch. I finally figured out what was hurting. I’m off to rip my new CD’s to .FLAC files. I have a new direct-from-Korea DAP. A friend recommended the following when I asked for ideas for new music:
- Jimmy Giuffre/Jim Hall Trio: Complete Studio Recordings
- Joni Mitchell – Blue
- The Essential Van Morrison
- Pentangle – Light Flight, The Anthology
- Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Dallas Taylor & Greg Reeves – Déjà vu