Welp. It’s been a long week, and it’s only Wednesday. I stressed myself out and ended up seeking out my big sister for advice. She’s close in age with Stevie Nicks. (Yes, it suddenly makes her cooler.) She helped me calm down, mostly.
I freak out about things with which I have no control like I’m being paid. I’m having a hard time refraining from beating myself up. It seems like a logical reaction when I’m the cause.
I’m functioning on auto-pilot too much. I burned my hand while soldering earlier by reaching for the iron without looking up. I left my eyes in my other world again. Along with my brain. Sigh. At least it’s not severe.
I’m assembling DIY kits for the kids in the afterschool program in Denver. They teach basic electronics and soldering. Today’s youth need to know how to recycle and repair electronics.
I’m still working on my guide to going off the grid (for free.) Today’s trash is tomorrows treasure. Scavenging, repairing, refurbishing, etc. are the skills I’m interested in of late. Water purification and desalination are up there, too.
M. and I are headed to Colorado to plant more trees. I’m not bringing a laptop this time. I need to unplug for a while. M. has a meeting in Denver, but otherwise, it’ll just be a mini vacation. I’ll soon be off to play in the dirt and let go of what isn’t working, or needs freed. Peace.
I’ve spent some time grieving over the recent violence in America. The fact that I need to qualify that statement is disgusting. The recent mass shootings in Colorado Springs, and San Bernardino. Both were committed by people who felt justified in their actions. Anything further is speculation. I grieve for the fact that justification for mass murder is considered an option. I don’t believe anyone has the right to kill people for any reason. I understand that there are laws that sanction it. I think they are wrong.
To steal existence from another is the ultimate arrogance. To rob their loved ones of their existence, and to dismiss their future and potential is anathema to me. I deliberately avoided news coverage of these events out of self preservation. Some facts leaked through, regardless. I saw an image of a black SUV riddled with high powered rifle impacts. It was an image of massacre. The murderers died by the same means as they inflicted on others. Violence begets violence. Live by the sword, die by the sword, blah blah blah. It’s all bullshit.
You can’t punish a crime by committing the same crime. This is illogical. Taking a life in human history has most often resulted in a life being taken in retaliation. We equate our grief with a right to seek revenge. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. I was born into a blind world. I was born into a world ruled by hatred and fear. These are what motivate humanity as a whole. These are literally chemical reactions within human brains. Yet they are allowed to end the existence of millions of people. Love, joy, and acceptance are also emotions, yet we reject these in the face of hatred and fear. We walking chemical reactions are ruled by perceptions based solely on our emotions.
It seems like insufficient motivation to rule the human race. Logic takes a back seat to emotion, when instead, it could be utilized as a guiding force to prevent such madness. I’m an outsider. My mind functions differently. At times, the chemical reactions in my brain are random, and unrelated to my emotions or environment. They rob me of control of my emotions, but don’t force action. I sit back and observe, having had much experience with this phenomenon. These experiences have allowed me to separate myself from my body. From the community. From the environment. From the human race.
When I allow myself to interact with other humans, the eventual result is profound sadness. Something within me keeps experimenting, seeing if a tweak here or there will bring about new results. I’m attracted to the goodness in others. I can see it beneath the fear in most people with which I’ve interacted. It’s motivations are love, joy, and acceptance. This is goodness. But the mask of fear usually surfaces, and eventually wears down my endurance, leading to deep sorrow. I’m older now, and would like to be wiser. I would like to limit my actions to logic. I would like to step back permanently. I know it’s within my ability. I know that the longer I remain apart, the more difficult it becomes to communicate with others. But if my goal is to remain separate, this becomes a desirable result.
Allowing my emotions to dictate my perceptions is a trap. A trap that entangles me in the actions of others. It traps me in an ocean of blindness. I end up drowning rather than thriving. And like anyone who is drowning, at one point, the will to survive becomes resolve in embracing the inevitable. It’s time to let go. If I am to continue, I have to do so on my terms. I have to allow logic to be my guide, and I must avoid the trap. The sadness I feel now will pass. I will hold tight to goodness, and turn my back on fear. I will dissociate myself from all who allow it to motivate their actions. I will turn my energy to creating. I will thrive in the joy of solitude.