“She’s like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms.”

I’m still struggling to entirely free myself from the grip of the Depression Monster.  I’m doing better, thanks to our Stevie Nicks party.  When I think about what she’s taught me, it helps free me from my inner asshole.  I quit beating myself up for having depression and focus on forcing it back into remission.

I watched an interview on YouTube in which Stevie Nicks was royally pissed off.  I had to view it a few times to recognize she was angry, (this is one of my known bugs.)  When it clicked, I realized she gets pissed precisely the way I do.  We both talk a whole lot of shit to cover up how powerless and hurt we’re feeling.

I’m kinda glad there’s someone else on this planet who reacts this way besides me.  When I reach that point, I’m incredibly compelled to throw out unbelievable threats against whoever has me riled.  I know as it’s coming out of my mouth how ridiculous it sounds.  I just need to say it anyway.

As I age, I’ve improved slightly.  It’s been decades since I’ve threatened to hit someone with the Empire State Building.  It’s symbolic of my rage, not literal, (although, if I could, I might need a timeout to prevent it.)  To me, I’m merely stating exactly how pissed off I am.  Others usually choose to find it amusing, (which only makes me want to replace the Empire State Building with the moon.)

Before I acquired this um… Skill…  My only way of expressing rage was crying.  This is better.  Just so you know, the best way to react to someone losing it like this is to remain silent and avoid eye contact.  Perhaps no sudden movements, too.  Please, don’t laugh, it just makes it worse.


NVIDIA Titan Xp Star Wars Collector’s Edition

Tomorrow morning at 7AM PST, the pre-ordering begins.  Of course, there’s a dark side version as well.  It’s red instead of green.  I was in the process of researching my new gaming build, when this popped up and said, “Strong with the force, I am.”  Gamer’s who also prefer their machine to look like a brilliant, (damn near garish) alien artifact:  May the force be with you.  Always. 💜

I’m getting ready to watch comedians on Netflix.  Laughing until my face hurts is my way of going nuclear against the Depression Monster.  I keep it in reserve for this use.  I’m not pulling out my secret weapon just yet:  Wanda Sykes.  I do need to start watching Conan again, though.  He’s like America’s Prozac.  I love him.  Okay, I’m off to laugh like there’s a prize.

Stoned entry #1

I’m stoned.  I probably shouldn’t try to write a blog post in this condition, but oh well.  Here goes.  I’ve been partaking of recreational weed while on my Christmas vacation in Denver.  I purchased way too much, as I had no idea it lasted so long.  I’m a lightweight for sure, but I’ve tried a sativa, an indica, and a hybrid so far.  I like the indica.  The hybrid messed with my off switch.  I felt like I was glitching while on automatic pilot.  It was too far back for my comfort level.  It felt too autistic.  Too cut off.  The indica was perfect.  It allowed me to exist without anxiety for about 6 hours.  I was in tears.  It shocked me how wonderful it feels to be without anxiety.  I kept telling my nephew I was crying because I’m happy.  He was worried it was having an unpleasant affect on me.  The opposite was true.

I’ll admit, I’m very much pro weed for medical usage.  That’s just logic.  I’m also pro weed as a recreational drug for those 21 and older.  With the same laws as those surrounding alcohol.  I think anyone who says they drive better when high is lying, regardless of how they got high.  I absolutely feel differently than what’s normal for me.  It’s a pleasant feeling because of the break from anxiety.  It’s easy to only notice anxiety when it interrupts me, and forget about the low levels that never fully go away.  I understand that this has at least as much to do with my autism as it does my PTSD.  PTSD comes and goes, and is an often, but not constant bother.  Autism is 24/7.  However, right now while I’m high, I feel less autistic.  I can only explain this by relating that the background struggle constantly going on within me regarding unavoidable interruptions and sensory disturbances becomes less.  I’m basking in the less.  It’s a nice rest.

I also noticed that Blended, with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore is hilarious when you’re stoned.  I think I was more able to pay attention, because I noticed all kinds of funny things I missed when I watched it before.  I could tell there was some ad libbing.  It also seemed like everyone in it was having a great time.  This made it even more enjoyable.  I haven’t gotten the munchies.  I’m a little bit disappointed about that.  I was looking forward to feeling strong hunger.  I think it might really be a decreased ability to stop doing an activity.  The repetitive motion of putting food in your mouth is a stim.  (Non-autistic people are unaware that they also stim when their inhibitions are lowered enough.)  The behavior is stimulating, so you continue to do it.   The high feeling from THC is probably the best way for a neurotypical person to experience neurodiversity on a low, temporary level.

It’s ironic to me that we’re considered frigid in our thinking, when in reality, we’re far more fluid than the neurotypical mind can easily grasp.  I suppose any extreme can have an opposite.  We spend a lot of our early life building bridges of thought in order to connect and communicate.  The motivation to do such a thing comes from many factors and are varied.  Feeling motivated to connect with my Mom was natural.  My brother, Steve, too.  He could always make me laugh.  Laughing has always been one of my favorite things to do.  Laughing and flapping is heavenly.  Try it sometime when nobody is looking.