“I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It’s like asking them to donate a kidney.”

Radioactive doll

I’m closer to mastering The Art of Not Making It Weird.  I’m ready to graduate from Just Because You Think It, Doesn’t Mean You Should Say It 101.  I believe the next course is, Yay, You Didn’t Say It! Now Stop LOLing Over It; It’s Still Weird.  Effing sigh.  (My prodigy turned 13.)

I suspect I hurt the feelings of someone I care about a great deal.  I did it unintentionally because I was masking intentionally.  Sometimes, rather than admitting I’m unable to do a task without significant clarification and assistance, I seek an alternative.

Sometimes, I don’t find one before stressing out over how long I’ve spent searching.  In those instances, I usually just go silent and add the stress to the pile of things that make my stomach hurt until I figure out how to discharge them.

Then I low-level analyze.  It’s how I recognized where I probably went wrong.  I also noticed I had an underlying shameful motivation.  Part of why I chose an alternative is because I was subconsciously (?) upset someone (whom I decided should just know without my saying a word) didn’t see it as something I couldn’t do without the patient assistance of another.  (I hate asking for help with things I think I should be able to do on my own.  Issue #29078145.)

Yep.  Hella audacious of me.  I brought luggage to the situation, and it’s led to hurt feelings.  😶  I don’t want to be an adult right now.  I just want to cry it out, then apologize, and hide for a while.  But I don’t even know if it’s appropriate to apologize for something I’m merely intuiting (assuming.)  (Glares at the center of the universe.)

You know, being an adult usually isn’t worth being able to have animal crackers and Mt. Dew for breakfast.  Even worse, you can only do it every so often, or the bill comes due, and the interest is hellacious.  I’m stuck.  I’m going to listen to Lorde and figure out what to do.

p.s.  My band doesn’t have a name yet.

I can’t believe that you saw her before me.

I realized I don’t code most of the time anymore.  I think this is a good thing because I laugh more.  It feels like I broke an addiction because I get random urges to start new projects all the time.  I thought I would have a harder time letting go.  It’s mind boggling how much time I’ve spent writing code on a computer in my lifetime.  It’s probably just under the time I’ve spent sleeping.  I’m impatient.  If something takes ten hours to complete, there is no way I’m going to break that up.  I know my limit is between 19 and 21 hours.  (That’s not typical, however, and I swear I’ll never do anything that long again.)

I can stay awake(ish) for 32 hours, but those last several hours are wasted time.  All I do is nod off, startle myself awake, laugh about it, (rinse, and repeat.)  I fell asleep on guard duty once when I was in the Army.  The fucker who was my relief saw me, went and caught a tarantula, and put it down my shirt.  I ripped my shirt off while screaming and running in place.  Then I burst into tears and told him I hated him, while he fell on the ground laughing.  Fucker.  Although, I never did it again.  Fucker.  (Full body shudder.)

I’m well into my second reading of The Dark Tower series, by Stephen King.  I’m just marveling at the details this time.  I think the mastery lies in his restraint.  He only told us enough of the story to force us to obsess over what he didn’t.  Human brains make premature determinations all the time, so he left room for the Constant Reader to use their own imagination and cryptography skills to add even more richness to an already lush tale.  I know!  Holy shit!  No two will experience the exact same story.  Sigh.  My next boyfriend will be more of a reader.  (It’s a joke, mostly.)

I read an article yesterday about Prozac being used to “treat” autism.  The Army came to that conclusion when I was a teenager.  I always forget about the delay.  It seems an unusually long one, though.  I’m not a parent, and I’ve already shared my thoughts on the drug.  All I can say is thank goodness I don’t have to make such a hard decision for someone completely dependent on me.  And I know that’s just one out of thousands like it.  I can’t even have a dog, so I’m generally awed by good parents.  It was the single parent of an autistic kid who helped me realize activism isn’t optional.  (Last year, sigh.)  I’m always late to the party.

I’m super anxious today, and I’m subconsciously trying to match it by speeding up.  My heart is telling me I should be running, not sitting on the floor typing on a laptop.  I’m having a difficult time remaining seated.  It reminds me of the time my PC doctor yelled at me for jumping up and down when I was supposed to be waiting to get my blood pressure checked.  (Jumping up and down makes it feel like time is moving faster, and makes waiting less annoying.  Duh.)  It scared the shit out of me because she came up behind me.  I must have accidentally let the I’m about to cry face show for a second because she immediately apologized.  It was a tiny bit funny.  Sometimes I have to admit I am too fucking literal.

I saw an interview on Youtube with Stevie Nicks and noticed she was rocking throughout the interview.  I mentioned it to M., and he said, “She’s not autistic, she’s high on cocaine.”  (I didn’t ask him if he thought she was autistic.)  I paused for a second to decide if his reading my mind was funny or infuriating.  I decided it’s funny.  (I kinda think everyone is half black, might be undiagnosed autistic, loves Star Wars, reads, and sings a lot until otherwise is proven.)  That’s right.  Still not sophisticated.

One thing I’ve learned from Stevie Nicks is to trust my intuition with a fierceness when necessary.  Also, I noticed she doesn’t tear people down.  I like that quality in a person.  For those who also wonder;  she still looks gorgeous because she stays in the shade, uses La Mer skincare products, and never ever goes to bed with makeup on.  I’m settling for 2 out of 3.  I can’t stomach paying that much to stay cute (while not being a rock goddess.  Besides, La Mer would be foolish to make her buy it.  All they have to do to make bank is put “Stevie Nicks uses this” on the bottle.)  I’ll just be kinda cute instead.  It looks the same from my perspective.  😂