I need to stop reading the news. It’s killing me. I don’t know how I slid back into my old habit of perusing and cross-checking multiple sources online a few times a day. It doesn’t matter. I need to refrain entirely for a while. I looked at my face in the mirror today. I’m not very visually oriented, probably because my vision sucks. I usually glance without seeing, but today, I saw.
I look like I haven’t slept in a few days. I’m dehydrated, nauseated, and depressed. I’m also excited about upcoming concerts, hella resilient, and an expert at functioning despite discomfort and despair. I sometimes wish I could find solace in sleep at these times, but it’s no friend of mine. Instead, I must push myself to engage in specific activities until the issue resolves. Fortunately, I’ve had lots of practice.
It used to frighten me whenever I felt this way. I resent how long it took me to overcome the fear. Now, it annoys me at most. I’m usually reasonably good at training my brain to do what I want, but sometimes, I need lots of repetition before it clicks. Fighting off depression is one of those times. It took a long time to train myself never to presume humanity in others. It was painful to learn, but not nearly as much as not knowing better.
I forced myself to practice my drums earlier. I love to play, but when I’m depressed, it’s incredibly difficult to make myself do it. I had fun, just as I knew I would. There’s a new mix of Solo by Clean Bandit, ft. Demi Lovato. I hated it the first time I heard it, but when I accidentally played it again, I discovered I love it. I also enjoyed drumming to Ghost by Jaden Smith.
I’m rehydrating so that I can hit the treadmill later. Running in place is remarkably helpful when I’m so low. I used to be able to throw a pity party and wallow a bit before I fought my way out from under a mountain of despair. Eventually, I reached a point where I recognized feeling sorry for myself is also hysterically funny, which ruined it. Heh. (Pretending Wanda Sykes and Jerry Seinfeld were riffing off my negative thoughts did the trick.)
Now I work it out as quickly as possible and get back to my life. I slept beneath my weighted blanket last night. It felt like cold water and central air after crossing a desert. M is out of town with his cousins, geeking out over the world cup. They were astonished I can’t name a single team and wasn’t confident which sport. I told them I enjoy watching sports exactly as much as they enjoy listening to me talk about AI. I’m a wee bit embarrassed to report they grokked that immediately. 😂 (Noted.)
It was hot yesterday; my pink Puma’s melted. I thought I stepped in some gum or something. Then I realized the soles of my shoes were sticking to the concrete and melting off. They were old enough the white treads were turning a bit yellow, but damn. So I threw them away and ordered a new pair. (I have a one out, one in policy with most things now.) New shoes are almost as mighty against depression as viewing I’ma Be Me by Wanda Sykes. 🙃 💜