A little respect. For I am George, King of the Idiots.

Today was long.  I’m not enjoying a 5 AM start time for work.  We agreed today that our newest team member will adjust to different hours starting next week.  The purpose of her hire was to be our phone representation.  Most of our clients are on the west coast.  None of them have ever needed to phone us at or anywhere near 3 AM.  We negotiated more suitable hours, and next week I’ll probably be less of an airhead.  Probably.

Even in the Army, we didn’t run until 6 AM.  That mean waking up at 5:45 AM to use my toothbrush, (with toothpaste applied the night before).  I slept in my PT uniform, and could put on my kicks and dash out to formation, where I would strategically tie them while doing warm up exercises.  Sleep was precious then, and I could sleep pretty much anywhere, anytime.  One time in basic training, I thought I was being so clever by sneaking in some ZZzz’s while pretending to tighten up my bunk from beneath it.  I heard abruptly cut off laughter, and opened my eyes to see my Drill SGT’s face inches from my own.  I’m fairly certain I lost about 3 years from my life expectancy from that moment of sheer terror.

Hopefully, the rest of the week will fly by.  I don’t have enough to do this week, and it’s messing with me.  I’m conscious of working too quickly for my teammates, so I’m deliberately holding back from jumping to another project.  I walked the circle a lot.  Being in motion seemed to help.  I did several Twitter fly-by’s, and tried to play a few hashtags.  I’m a very casual hashtagger, but it’s mostly because I usually need several examples before I understand how to play whatever tag is going around.  Ironically, the few times I’ve done a funny one, it was where I misunderstood the tag.  I think.  I’m too literal.  And knowing I’m too literal doesn’t seem to make any difference, which kinda pisses me off.

Fortunately, the people who play regularly are generally pretty kind, and will favorite some of my attempts.  I’m pretty sure some of them are pity favorites, but I’ve decided that’s just fine.  I take it as, “You keep hanging in there!  You’re bound to tweet something funny someday!  Here, have a favorite!”  Or something similar.  I’m just glad I saw a tweet early on that was making fun of people who gushingly thank anyone who retweets or favorites their tweets, (because that’s totally something I could see myself doing).  When I understand the tag, and can also think of a tweet, it’s a good feeling.  It’s like solving a mini puzzle that leads to a new puzzle.  I love puzzles as much as candy.  Maybe more.

I’m rambling because I’m embarrassed.  I want to rage against unexpected things, but that would be a waste of energy.  When I’m in my apartment, I keep my entry door locked, and then don’t worry about being fully dressed, as it’s just me and my cat.  When I get home, I tend to take off my shoes, socks, and jeans.  I’m on the top floor, so even if I walked past an open window, nobody would be able to see anything private.  I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of an airhead.  Well, tonight I proved it.  I walked down the hallway past several closed apartment doors, to the trash chute.  It’s in a little room near the middle stairwell.  When you open the door, the light comes on automatically, (motion detector).

Up until that point, it didn’t occur to me that I was in only my t-shirt and undies.  Technically, nothing private was exposed, I suppose.  But this was an accident.  I saw my reflection in the door to the chute.  I could feel myself start to shut down, but I didn’t.  I bolted from the room and walked quickly back to my apartment.  Nobody opened their door.  I hope nobody looked out their peephole.  When I was 3 doors away, I heard a nearby door unlock, and I ran the last few steps.  We have electronic locks, so there was no key fumbling.  I was in, and then I did that thing I’m always whining about.  I slammed the door.  Sigh.

Missing Heather

I miss my little sister.  She’s in my dreams a lot.  So are my Mom, and brother, Steve.  A shrink would probably tell me that ‘I have unresolved feelings regarding family members who have passed’.  Then I would ask for my money back, because duh.  But then, I wouldn’t tell a shrink something so personal.  I reserve my innermost thoughts and feelings for total strangers on the internet.  That’s a joke, in case it wasn’t obvious.  I’m usually the only one who gets my jokes.

I remember this day.  I had a red tricycle.  This was our front courtyard and we would ride in circles around the tree in the center.  She was so adorable.  Her nickname was, “Smiley”.  Sigh.

This is me and Heather playing with the neighbor kids.  Heather’s little belly sticking out.  So cute.  Clearly, I was never into fashion.

This is the most recent photo before she died.  Someone on Twitter mistook a sarcastic comment I made earlier while playing a hashtag game, and stated I was to blame for the gun problem in America.  It hit me hard.  I lashed out and told him to fuck off.  I have since apologized.  I’ve since been crying, and I can’t stop.  I miss Heather so much.  I hate guns.  I hate that their main purpose is to kill.  Their second most used purpose is for practicing in order to kill more efficiently.  I know too well what it feels like to have someone you love suddenly ripped from your world.  I wish it had been me.

#connection

It snowed all day and it’s still snowing now.  We had a brief reprieve, but it’s supposed to continue through tomorrow.  I love it.  It looks pretty through a window.  I went out in it very briefly to pick up a package at the office.  They haven’t plowed yet, so I went slowly and pumped my breaks.  I slid a little, but nothing startling.  I know how to drive in snowy weather.  The last I checked, there had been 71 car accidents, and that was 5 hours ago.  This happens every year.  The first few snowfalls cause massive amounts of fender benders, and then people remember that snow requires slowing down.

I got the gym to myself for the last 2 mornings.  The cute guy went swimming instead of weights.  I know you’re not supposed to lift every day to allow your body to heal, so I’m thinking he’ll be there tomorrow.  We’ll see.  I do like having the gym to myself, though.  I turn off all the TV’s that people leave on all night, (eyeroll).  Then I put on my headphones and rock out while I run.  I know they leak sound, but the treadmill probably drowns it out.  I don’t wear my Grado’s in the gym because they leak a lot.  I use my Audio Technica M50x’s because they have interchangeable velour ear cups.

My slip over studs for my running shoes turned out to be crap.  I lost half of the traction pegs the first time I used them.  I can get replacements, but I didn’t realize they were disposable.  Poor engineering.  The snow is too deep to run now, because I can’t see the ground, and that can be super dangerous.  I even tripped when going to get my package earlier.  The Voice was really good tonight.  I also liked the first 2 episodes of the new show with America Ferrera.  They showed a Force Awakens commercial.  Bonus.

I played hashtag games a few times, and noticed some that one of my followers was posting.  They were basically her admitting things about her upbringing that broke my heart.  Hashtag games can be a safe way to empty the ghosts out of a closet.  The overall goal is to be funny, but sometimes being honest is better.  I let her know that I was reading them, and that I could see that she was being honest, and sent her hugs.  She admitted it was mostly true, and put a link to her blog.  I went and read it.  It explained a lot of what she was tweeting.  I felt bad that I told her I hated her parents, because she lost her Dad at a young age.  I couldn’t apologize for it though, because it’s still true.

I saved the link after reading several entries.  She takes Prozac too.  She also mentioned having a sociopathic older sister.  I wanted to say hey I have a sociopathic older sister too!  But then I thought about it, and figured that it’s not something to high five over.  I stopped reading after that because it’s too close to sleep time, and I was afraid of coming across something that might trigger me.  One thing that seems to separate me from others with similar issues surrounding depression and childhood trauma, is how they react.  Heather reacted the way she did.  Everyone I have read about did too.  The promiscuity and drug abuse.  I don’t know why I never turned to either.  Maybe it’s because I’m autistic.  I’m glad I didn’t, of course.

It was nice to feel a connection with her.  She’s super funny in hashtag games.  On her blog too.  I’ll read the rest tomorrow.