“You told Nana to drop dead!”

Beautiful cake with a unicorn on top

Thank you, HBO.  The documentary was a delightful surprise.  The Night King is even cooler IRL.  Now I’m not only lovingly obsessed with the main cast of Thrones, but I also have a massive crush on Andrew McClay, Loyal Stark Man, First of His Name.  (I know.  Who doesn’t?)  He oozed masculinity while simultaneously flexing enough security in his selfhood to cry openly as his Dream Job transformed into The Best Memory Ever.  (That’s some Will Smith-level shit, yo.) 🥰

Emelia Clarke blew my mind with her old soul.  I love her.  I know I love virtually every actor on Game of Thrones, but listen;  It was an event so epic I feel privileged just to have been allowed to view it (in my safe place.)  So many people with mad skills got together and smashed our expectations concerning television forever.  The bar is so high now it’s ridic.  (And we still whinged, but The Internet is a preteen, so please forgive us.) 😔🤭😍

Thank you all for giving us everything you had, and a little more on top.  You. Did. That. Shit.  You breathed a part of yourselves into fictional characters and brought them to life.  They’re now a part of our life story.  We’ll never forget these beautifully human people who won our hearts.  And dragons!!!  (If More Evil Chucky has a tantrum and only a small number of humans survive to carry on the human race, you can bet one of the stories told around the fire will be Game of Thrones.  Just saying.)  Did. That. Shit.  I’m so proud of you all. 💜

p.s.  Remember Daario Naharis #1? I hope he recovers from the universe jangling his jewels.  Would be cool if he popped up in one of the spinoffs. 👍🏽

“I choose not to run.”

Here be dragons

Warning:  There will be spoilers.


We’ve almost made it to the end of Game of Thrones.  What a journey!  I was exhausted, emotionally wrecked, and drenched in sweat after viewing the latest episode.  While spending 90+ minutes completely immersed in the horrors of war,  I forgot I was watching a TV show.

I was Arya Stark, chased through a city being systematically destroyed by dragon fire.  I almost died a thousand times, but it was nothing compared to witnessing the horrific deaths of so many around me.  I learned vengeance is indistinguishable from tyranny.

Sandor, thank you.  -Arya Stark


I was Cersei Lannister, watching the world end to the beat of my unraveling denial.  As my defenses crumbled around me, the fear overwhelmed me, making my heart shake.  I died in the arms of the only person who truly understood me; loved me.  Finally, free of the terror that’s owned me since my mother was taken from me.

Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls.  -Cersei Lannister

I was Sandor Clegane, confronting what remained of the man who failed me as a brother.  Blow after blow of hate-fueled rage, honed over a lifetime, against a mountain of evil.  My only remaining purpose to remove this towering hunk of rotting flesh from the world.  Convinced it’s all I ever wanted, I succeed and we both burn.  Victory is mine.

Do it.  Do it!  Just do it!  -Sandor Clegane/The Hound

I was Daenerys Targaryen, alone, distraught, and betrayed.  I wept as I lay waste to King’s Landing.  I felt everything and nothing at the same time.  I burned away the disease so healthy life can grow and thrive in the future.  If I can’t have their love, I’ll take their fear.

I am not your little princess.  I am Daenerys Stormborn of the blood of old Valyria and I will take what is mine, with fire and blood I will take it.  -Daenerys Targaryen

light dancing

When the episode ended, I couldn’t move.  I just sat there, stunned.  (Then I laughed at myself for confusing SD winter with a cessation of hot flashes.  Probably where most of the sweating came from.)  I had to sleep on it, then think about it for a while before I could process what happened.  I’m sure I’ll continue long after the series ends.

I’ve learned a great deal about human nature watching the series.  We’re all in the story in some aspect or form.  It has been fascinating to slowly gain enough information about each character until I could understand them well enough to see the world through their eyes (to a point.)

The emotional rollercoaster of triggers and disturbing scenes were a small price to pay for the many gifts of wisdom.  We tend to behave in accordance with our perception of the world.  Therein lies the value in understanding others’ viewpoints.  Without it, people are indistinguishable from monsters.

Do you lie awake at night fearing my gash? – Lord Varys


“I feel it would be best if you didn’t talk to Noreen for a while.”

Photo by namo deet from Pexels

I love Sophie Turner.  I read a rumor she was told to lose weight at some point while filming Game of Thrones.  Sansa Stark.  It fails the logic test, miserably, but who knows.  When people are traumatized, depressed, and overwhelmed, they tend to either lose their appetite or gain an insatiable need to self-comfort by overeating.  (There’s very little believable middle ground for TV, but either way works.)

I believe HBO decided Sansa Stark would lose her appetite, based on my wondering if I could encircle Sansa’s waist (fingers touching) with just my hands, after mentally compensating for the ten pounds added by cameras.  I guess what I’m trying to say, is if the rumor is true, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the junk of anyone who suggested Sophie Turner needed to lose weight during filming.  And bacne.  Because no. That is all.

The latest episode of Game of Thrones had me so enthralled; my nose was practically touching the screen from trying to take in every detail. I didn’t notice a Starbuck’s cup, and I usually catch such things. (I think it’s a hoax.)  People trust social media way too much.  (It’s no wonder my literal ass couldn’t hang.)  Frankly, we don’t need this petty bullshit in a world where so-called leaders are above the law in an alleged democracy.  It’s half-past play-too-much o’clock, dig?  🙃

blue flame

Spoiler alert:

If you get only one word to express how much you want your best friend to melt your enemy’s lair with them inside, now you know it:  Dracarys, (said with bitch implied.) If you’re interested in telling a fantastic story on TV, and you want to nail it on levels that don’t even exist yet, put Game of Thrones on top of your list of creations to study.  It’s that good.  I’m so proud of the people involved.

The episode has me thinking about grief in general.  We should teach grieving to children.  Losing something or someone dearly loved, and figuring out how to go on living afterward, is a skill.  I’ve never met an adult who wasn’t grieving a loss of some sort.  It seems an inescapable part of life.  I think it would be better to have a clear understanding of the process in place, and a rote reaction to cuddle when devastated.  The whole not knowing what to do or say around loss is tired, eh?

I created a new category for humans (in my head.)  Padawans are now people who believe in a higher power and are practicing and living their values and beliefs.  When they accidentally step on you or your boundaries, you know you can bring it to their attention, and they’ll make the correction, usually graciously and apologetically.  You can trust they’re striving to be their best self.  So now there are padawans, people who are generally reasonable about sharing a planet with 7 billion+ other people, and assholes.  Guess which ones I like?  🤣 I’m off to entertain some cows with my violin.   ✌🏽💜

p.s. Cersei Lannister would make Darth Vader curl up in the fetal position and cry for his mommy.

“The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.”

computer desk

How about the latest Game of Thrones?  No spoilers, in honor of those who need more time to take in the newest episode.  I had to break it into two viewings.  I was continually hitting pause, and taking several laps around my apartment (to coax Anxiety into allowing me to breathe like I wasn’t just barely winning a 200-meter dash away from White Walkers.)  I had to watch an episode of Bob’s Burgers before I could consider sleeping.  (Thanks for the tip, Narcoleptic Aspie.)

The second-half viewing, I watched while on my treadmill.  I figured if I was going to feel like I was sprinting, I might as well get the full benefit.  It didn’t hurt that it was on a much smaller screen, (laptop.)  I invented a new way of watching TV:  look just to the left of the screen, so you’re practically looking away when the tension rises.  For some reason, it’s less frightening in peripheral vision.

The soundtrack was spot on, as usual.  I’ll have to rewatch this season on my TV that has HDR, so I can see what happened in the shadows.  (And look directly at the screen with full knowledge of when to long blink.) The portrayal of PTSD is fabulous;  So many of the characters afflicted after witnessing and surviving unspeakable horrors.  Being perpetually stalked and chased by a supernatural entity whose only purpose is my utter destruction is how living with PTSD feels to me.  It’s no wonder watching a symbolic, on-the-nose depiction turns me (and everyone else I know) inside out emotionally.

shadow play

To refrain from speculating about the story, I focused on how we may be altering our DNA by programming our brains with entertainment so immersive, believable, and enthralling.  Our ancestors nights were dark and full of terrors of a different nature.  Did this program an expectation we’ve fulfilled with our imaginations?  Do we need to experience a full range of emotion and stress on a somewhat-regular basis as humans?  (It was a lot more interesting in my head.)  🙃

I did make it to the VA for my annual checkup.  I used Lyft, which eliminated the stress of driving there.  I met my new care provider, and she was kind.  I wasn’t present for as much of the experience as ideal, but I managed to get a blood pressure medication changed from one with a known carcinogen.  I mentioned I stopped having menses, yay.  Yay, again.  Heh.  Nothing problematic with my labs.  I got my tetanus vaccination and was out of there before Anxiety had a chance to ruin everything.  Uber yay.

I still feel powerful for the victory.  (Even though the side effects of the tetanus shot made me feel like I overdid it at the gym for a few days.) I binge watched the entire series of The Office (American version) over the past few weeks.  I loved it.  It’s brilliant.  It helped keep me from drowning in this awful round of depression.  I’m approaching it as if it’s no big deal and nothing to panic over, mostly because I can’t afford to add anything detrimental to this shit storm.  (The skin of my teeth, yo.)

Besides, Liana Mormont, Arya Stark, and Ser Brienne of Tarth wouldn’t freak out over a little despair.  Not today.  💜✌🏽

“George, you can’t show up at someones house with Ring-dings and Pepsi.”


Homecoming:  a film by Beyoncè Knowles-Carter, is presently streaming on Netflix.  It was on my welcome screen, where it belongs.  Well done, Netflix.  (The HBCU documentary series is next, right Netflix?) 👍🏽  My face hurts from grinning nonstop since I found Homecoming.  I don’t care.  Two hours and seventeen minutes with Beyoncè and her hand-picked talent have lifted me all the way through.  I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve streamed it, so far.  Thank you, Beyoncè;  I’m incredibly proud of you!  💜💜

I’m thrilled by how it’s led to my feeling compelled to play my violin.  And drums, guitar, and bass.  (I’m fighting off an urge to play my keyboard as I type.)  I’m inspired to create music again.  As I rewatch, I’m studying the complexities of Beyoncè’s music.  Also, fantasizing about how amazing it must feel to be in a band with Beyoncè.  She had people, some of whom look like me (!!!) playing the violin in the middle of all the festivities, and they rocked!  Yep.  I squeed so hard.

I love that Beyoncè has harnessed her superpowers to build others up.  Also, her leading superpower is hard work.  Beyoncè leads by example, and successfully demonstrated the same leadership skills I studied in Army training.  She gifted us with footage of her beautiful family, and herself unmasked.  I’m grateful whenever Beyoncè reminds us she’s human.  She’s continuously striving to be the best Beyoncè she can be, and it makes me want to be the best Alison I can be.

roller skates

Aside from clips with her children, my favorite part is when Solange joins her at the pyramid base, and they dance together.  It felt like the joyful moment with my sister, Heather, I’ve longed for since her passing.  It was sisterhood celebrated in a manner so healing to me.  I’m using my augmented morale to develop a new skill.  It entails installing a stop and think before allowing my pain to speak.

I don’t ever want to weaponize my pain.  I recognize I’ve made this mistake in the past.  I’ve lashed out and felt justified in my sloppy aim because I was injured.  It didn’t make it stop.  It just added guilt to the pain.  Fail.  I’m sorry to those I’ve hurt with hasty, ugly words.  New strategy:  Say, ow, when the pain hits.  Pause and think before saying anything further.  Focus on shaping the pain into something beautiful, (rather than allowing it to leak all willy nilly.)  Turn ow into wow.  Heh. (Too corny to trademark.) 🤭

I’m watching Game of Thrones in realtime for the first time.  It’s excruciatingly fabulous.  It feels like HBO is teasing me, but I don’t mind, because they’re also giving me candy, and there might be cake.  (Isn’t this how heroin works?)  Glued.  Also, I picked up on a hint to cease all speculative info dumping regarding the story.  (It was from a fellow autistic, but it still counts.  Maybe double.)  Ceased.  💪🏽🙃 I’m off to resume the adulting I’ve neglected, recently, (for some reason.)  ✌🏽💜