Like us with Elaine.

I’m home again, and for a while this time.  I’m so over flying.  Doing it twice in as many days was too much stress, and I wasn’t able to sleep while in Denver.  I’m so sleepy.  But we have Match Game tonight, and I don’t want to miss it.  I had weed on Friday night with my nephew, and I can still feel the lack of constant anxiety nagging at me.  It’s nice, and I always forget how good it feels to be relaxed in my body.  When it first overtakes me, it’s like stepping into a soft, even shower where the water temperature is steady and perfect.  Then when I experience it again, it’s like a new discovery.  It’s weird, because when I’m home and don’t have access to weed, I don’t crave it, or even think about it.

I’m pretty much addiction proof when it comes to substances.  I figure it all evens out in the end.  I don’t like alcohol because it burns, or is bitter, or tastes nasty.  I don’t understand the concept of acquiring the taste of something that isn’t instantly delicious.  So I don’t drink coffee, either, but I love the smell of it.  I’m probably part of the reason people felt the need to declare themselves Foodies, and begin recruiting.  They find my lack of interest in food borderline offensive.  That probably shouldn’t amuse me.

It would suit me just fine to eat protein cubes and supplements, so long as they taste good.  I’ve spent hours sitting alone at the dining table, staring at food I refused to eat.  The fact that I never once gave in is something I consider an accomplishment.  My Mom was not easy to out stubborn.  I suspect by the time I came along, half my victories were guaranteed due solely to her sheer exhaustion from raising the 8 stubborn siblings that preceded me.  It still counts.

I feel like I’m in limbo, and when it passes, I’ll be faced with a lot of stress.  I want to be using this time to rest and get ready for the battle on the horizon, but so far I’ve been functioning from moment to moment.  It’s a dangerous place to linger, and I have a plan to snap out of it as soon as the sun goes down.  In the past, I’ve barely noticed when I was in this state.  Now I’m more aware of things that didn’t even matter to me a year ago.  I used to think knowing how I felt at a given moment was silly.  Now, I think I was just calling it silly to hide the fact that I didn’t know the words to describe how I felt most of the time.

I need to start restricting my thoughts to English only.  I’ve been thinking in a concise mashup of several languages for as long as I can remember, and it’s not compatible with communicating in real time with other people.  It certainly makes me anxious.  The time it takes to translate into words I’ve seen them use before is excruciating.  If I’m more comfortable with a person, I just let it go and say whatever I’m thinking.  I trust them to give me a chance to apologize if I step in it.  Strangers aren’t generally as forgiving.  It seem backwards to me, but since it’s working in my favor, I won’t overthink it.

Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?

Today went by quickly.  I went in for my last early morning, thank goodness.  The dark circles have returned beneath my eyes, but they probably won’t last through the weekend.  I’ve acquired a few more coping skills, so I’m practicing until they become more natural.  I haven’t felt too well for the last few days.  I don’t think I’m sick.  I think I need to use one of those hydration tablets that you dissolve in water to replenish electrolytes and minerals.  I’m not fond of the half-ass attempt the manufacturers use to make the water taste sweeter.  I’d rather they make it turn purple, but not add any taste.  That would be cool.

I harbor a (formerly) secret disappointment that all of our foods and beverages aren’t brightly colored, micro-engineered cubes that are tailored to our nutritional needs and taste/texture preferences.  I know GMO’s are hated, but I only object to the lack of information and regulation.  If you’re going to add ingredients to my food and/or genetically alter it, I want to know what, how, and why.  And I want the option to choose what modifications I approve of, and the ability to reject those I don’t.  I want science to do awesome things to food.  Just not the shady shit they pull now, and then don’t tell us until enough people die from it.  Greedy bastards.

I had a horrible moment early this afternoon.  I discovered a spider on my ceiling, right over my bed.  I have 9 ft. ceilings, so it was a pain to get it.  It was probably a wolf spider, but I didn’t study it.  I know intellectually that it couldn’t possibly harm me.  But that didn’t stop my body from freaking the fuck out.  I was breathing hard, and searching on Google for any service that would come immediately and kill the spider.  The entire time, I kept looking across the room to see if it was still there.  It barely moved.  I sat there and almost cried for a few.  Then I called the apartment manager to see if she would send over a maintenance person to kill it.

Sadly, they were all busy, and would be for a few hours.  She was nice about it, and admitted to sharing my fear.  She suggested I stand on my bed with vacuum extension, and suck it up, then vacuum all over to make sure it’s dead.  This is exactly what I did.  The only hard part was approaching it, and that was all about fear.  I dragged the vacuum hose up the wall toward it, so it couldn’t flee down the wall toward my bed, (scream).  It sucked it up easily.  Then I vacuumed the shit out of my whole apartment.  I have a bag-less vacuum, so I wanted to bury that fucker in every cat hair and dust bunny I could find before emptying it.

It was a pretty good feeling to take care of it myself.  Knowing I can, even if it’s in a hard-to-reach place, is good.  I didn’t even think about grabbing my cat and abandoning my apartment this time.  And it was a pretty big spider.  With legs, about the size of a quarter.  But I’m going to stop typing about it, before I get all worked up again.  I gave myself a headache earlier from freaking out, but it’s gone now.  Whew.  I told the guys today that we didn’t have to start our newest hire at $15 an hour in our state, because it felt like a lie to withhold the information.  They didn’t care.  Shocking, I know.

Paper or Plastic?

I’m overtired.  I tried to sleep, but about 10 minutes after I got snuggled into bed, I got a cramp in my foot. My toes were bending in ways they shouldn’t and it hurt.  So I sat up, and started massaging my foot. Then my other foot started cramping.  It’s like they were ganging up on me.  I know what the problems is. I have hypokalemia.  I should be taking a Potassium supplement, but for some reason they only come in horse pill size.  I can’t swallow them as is, and breaking them with the pill cutter isn’t very effective as they tend to crumble.  Plus after they’re halved, the edges are sharp and stab my throat on the way down.

So I stopped taking them.  Now they’re extremely expired.  I was told that the kind I get at the health store are not the same.  So I didn’t bother purchasing any.  It’s a once in a while issue.  Once I started having the cramps, I realized the chest pains I had earlier were probably related.  I can’t tell the difference between heartburn and chest pain, so I usually take some Tum’s and ignore it.  I read online that if the pain persists for more than 20 minutes, it’s not a heart attack.  But today when I had the chest pains, they were painful, but not so badly that I cried.  In fact, first I walked around as if I could out walk them.  Then I got distracted and forgot about them.

I figure if they were forgettable, they weren’t a big deal.  Now that I am pretty sure it’s low potassium, I feel a little bit badly that I didn’t pay them any heed.  I kind of recall being told that low potassium can lead to a heart attack.  So, next time, I’ll try to pay attention.  I know I didn’t have a heart attack.  I’ve never heard of anyone getting distracted while having a heart attack, and forgetting they were having it. Although, if it could be done, I’d probably be the one who did it.  I have a high pain threshold and am easily distracted when in my home office.  Okay, playroom.  I have a playroom.  Shut up.

I went to the grocery store tonight.  I got the things I intended.  They were waxing the floor but fortunately, it was in the meat part.  The wax smelled the same as what we used in the Army.  I’m proud of myself for getting my groceries.  This is an ongoing challenge, but I always struggle with it.  Every single time.  I put it off until I am out of food.  This time, I put it off until I missed 2 meals.  This was a mistake.  For about 10 minutes, I thought I was going to faint in the store.  I suspect I’m coming down with something, and the combination of no sleep and no fuel nearly overtook me.

I went into the freezer part and the feeling gradually passed.  I don’t usually go in that aisle, but I’m glad I did because I found rainbow ice cream.  I got some.  I haven’t tried it, but I’m delighted such a thing exists.  It has zero nutritional value.  That means it’s technically not food.  That’s so weird.  The girl who did my checkout didn’t ask me how I was doing.  That was a relief.  It’s such an odd question.  How am I doing?  How am I doing what?  How am I standing here waiting for you to ring up my groceries so I can go home?  Anxiously. Impatiently. Exasperatingly.  Sheesh!

I’m going to have a hard time getting through today.  No, wait.  I don’t want to pin a negative prediction on my day.  Today is going to be awesome.  It’s going to fly by, and before I know it, it’ll be time to go to bed.