“I didn’t think you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.”

person giving side eye

I’m on the fence about continuing to blog with WordPress.  I’m not happy with the changes they’ve made to their service.  The overall vibe is greed.  Gross.  (I reserve my loyalty for corporations that are playing the long game. Thanks, Jeff Bezos, aka Ironman IRL.)  I messed up flexed one of my features, and now my ability to focus is AWOL.  Whoops.

I started brainstorming a new project with a small group and got too excited.  It’s been two days, and if anything, it’s increasing.  Sigh.  I forgot where I left my focus controller.  Welp.  I bet I sleep well tonight, at least.  I’m burning through energy like it’s an open bag of Hi-Chews.  (My need to maintain effective spoon conservation is crying in the corner.)

person flexing balance

On top of that, I sat wrong again.  Now my left foot won’t obey commands.  It’s hella numb halfway up my shin, and I keep getting a charlie horse in my arch.  Good times.  It’s gradually self-correcting, but the slowness is astonishing.  M brought me some compression socks (and said some medical stuff that floated by.)  I remembered to thank him in real time.  Yay.

All of this is related in that it’s happening while I’m present in my body, which is a new skill.  Alison 3.0 would have fled inward at the slightest hint of body betrayal.  (Blushing, because I just glimpsed my own awesome.)  Leveling up is laden with new growth opportunities.  I understand now.  The universe had to teach me how to recognize them before they started showing up all over the place.  (I used to mistake them for overwhelming obstacles.)

person with camera

The good part of being unfocused is I think differently.  It often results in new insights.  My whiteboards are covered in notes whenever this happens.  (My foot is still janky.  My hi-hat foot!)  I’m multitasking with healing now, too.  Multitasking used to set off meltdown alarms.  Well look at that;  Anxiety is my bitch, now.  Hah!  I’m going to celebrate hard because I know this means the next step is reclaiming all the shit I’ve been avoiding over it, and it’s a lot, (she said while internally reciting fear is the mind killer.)

I compared notes with some of my autistic besties (my new favorite game,) and discovered we sleep with arms in the praying mantis position.  It wreaks havoc on our arms and shoulders when we awaken numb.  Those with EDS pay far more for the habit.  (I don’t have EDS, which is likely why I think this common thing we have is fascinating.)  I’d better go and drag my foot around until it wakes up and stops playing too much.  💜✌🏽

“Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.”

Topless woman sleeping in bed

We’re back from Denver.  Amelia Bedelia was up to no good while we were away.  She managed to open the freezer, (which fortunately has an auto-shutoff feature.)  None of the food survived, of course.  When we first entered, she made one of those extra long meows (laced with her disgust at our abandonment.)

Next time, I’ll be taping the freezer and fridge closed before leaving town.  I’m sure she’ll think of another way to express her displeasure.  She’s so cute.  I missed her.  Denver barely has winter compared to Sioux Falls.  I dropped off the DIY electronics kits for the afterschool kids.  It was so fun making them.

I deliberately made several errors with soldering and component placement.  They’re learning how to fix shitty workmanship, check against schematics, etc.  I made sure they were all differently messed up as well.  I’ll be pleased if they merely identify the mistakes, as it’s a lesson in critical thinking.  I’ll be over the moon if they repair them, too.

My former coworkers keep me up to speed on how the program is going.  The teachers are volunteers from sponsoring companies, but they’re following the curriculum I created, mostly.  They’re improving the shit out of it as they go.  Heh.  I’m so thrilled by their assistance and initiative.  (I’m also jealous I don’t live there and miss out on most of it.)

Child dreaming of space travel.

I’m struggling to exhale, now that I’m home.  For some reason, I’m still in travel mode.  I’m trying not to focus on it much, as I don’t want to psyche myself out.  It’s just that it’s uncomfortable, and I know when it turns off I’m going to be exhausted.  So I’m probably prolonging it out of fear of being stapled to the floor.  Funny how I never consciously recognized how scary it is to be too drained to function before.

When I was on active duty, I could sleep anytime, anywhere.  It was something I developed during basic training.  I could sleep while standing at attention, (but it wasn’t nearly as restful as laying down.)  I took short naps throughout the day during scheduled breaks.  I lost the ability after becoming a civilian.  I want it back.

I think it kept me from getting so low on energy I couldn’t move.  I don’t need such rigid structure anymore, but I miss it sometimes.  I have a face-to-face meeting with the client this week, so I’m hoping I can hold out until after that.  I need my brain to work well so I can comprehend what’s said, (the first time.)  I’d better go read before I talk myself into panicking.