“Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.”

negative self-talk

I got gently course-corrected by The Friend Zone podcast this week.  It related to how I identify healing, what it means, and my expectations of life after that.  (I’m reasonably sure I’ve established my propensity for over-excitement.)  I’ve since re-evaluated, sat with, and reigned in my expectations.  In a way, it’s a relief because my expectations were kind of lofty. 🤭  I’m grateful; (imagine how much time this adjustment will save.)  The assignment this week is to counter each negative thought with five positive (before sleeping) to train away negative self-talk.

It sounded like a lot to me at first.  But I tried it, and it’s fun.  I’m enjoying it as much as a video game that doesn’t depend solely on hand-eye coordination for advancement. 😶  It unlocked a new level in life, too.  Now, I am suddenly able to recall lots of good memories from times in my life when traumatic memories used to block them.  It’s fracking awesome!  I knew I had a ridiculous amount of fun while serving, but couldn’t trace it back to very many specific memories.  Now I can, and it began from thinking of positive things to counter negative self-talk.

The timing was excellent, as I didn’t make it north to visit my sister.  I was busy mentally tearing myself into ickle bitty pieces over it when the airshow shut me down for a while.  (Even though my sisters’ response was so kind, it made me cry.)  I was repeating my old habit of jumping in with both feet like my life hasn’t been a cautionary tale advising the opposite.  I forgot. 🤭  (My body remembered and activated all the alarms.)  I’m one of those people who have to experience the lesson to grok it, half the time.

Boxer dog

My level of interest determines how quickly I learn, which is as much a blessing as a curse.  If I’m interested, I learn so quickly people behave differently around me ever after.  (It’s weird and fascinating.)  If not, I’m no longer surprised by people assuming I’m intellectually challenged based on how much repetition is required for me to learn.  (I went from my ego being in intensive care to no damns to give rather quickly in that regard.)  It also strengthened my asshole detector; bonus.  Sometimes, I wish I could control this by faking interest, but so far, nope.

I did make it to Denver, even though I just had a meltdown recently.  Flying is a lot easier than driving for me, and TSA is part of why.  I know it’s weird, but I like TSA in Denver and Sioux Falls.  They help make it possible for me to travel alone.  I was an inch from bawling over the slightest thing and still managed to maneuver an international airport by myself without shedding a single tear.  The app on my phone failed to load my boarding pass.  Seconds before I tilted my head back and just crumbled into a most pitiful pile, a TSA person stepped in and gave me clear instructions on how to resolve it.

And when I did step one then promptly got lost, another TSA person stepped in like they were in a relay race passing batons. They even wrote me a note, so I didn’t have to stand in the long ass security line twice.  I know about the services that prevent this, but I need the time to mentally prepare for following all the instructions without holding up others.  (I’m so much better at it now than when I first started traveling again.)  A TSA person pulled me aside and told me exactly how to behave (body language) when in line so that I would stop getting all my bags scrutinized.  She didn’t have to do that, and I’m thankful.  It makes me wonder if they get training for interacting with neurodivergent people.  (It seems like they do.)

I was able to speak aloud at the time, but not much beyond lots of nodding and showing my phone screen.  I know a lot of people are annoyed by TSA, but to me, they’re helpful and pleasant.  (At least in Sioux Falls and Denver.)  Guitar Hero is teaching me how to use weed as a creative tool.  (I can tell he was a hippie because he has a lot of rules about respecting pot.)  I’m loving every minute of being calm in my body.  It’s a lot like coming up for air after staying underwater a little too long.  I’m off to introduce him to Solange. 😆💜✌🏾

“Stop it, Kramer, you’re freaking me out.”

person in cosplay costume

I just got back from a mini vacation in Denver.  M thought it would be an excellent way to shake loose from the downward spiral into a pit of depression.  It worked.  I’m feeling so much better.  I’m nearly giddy — a pleasant side-effect of getting baked while in Rome.  I feel energized from reaching a state of zero anxiety.  Half the effect is from the sense of awe over the achievement.  I always forget how incredible it feels.  It makes for a delightful surprise each visit.

It also reminded me of the cost demanded in vulnerability.  In my case, partaking is a buddy exercise only.  Heh.  I cherish this knowledge like someone who thinks way too much.  🙃 (Jordan Peele made us cool.)  I slept like Gayle King after an R Kelly interview last night.  I woke up laughing, feeling like I could conquer my chores before noon.  (Done.)  I worked on my story in progress like Mavis Beacon was testing my typing for several hours.  The Muse must have been pleased to see me discover that headspace.

The only con is I didn’t do an ergonomic check before I jumped in.  I’m don’t stay in the same position for too long, or you’ll move like you’re 100 for an uncomfortable minute years old.  It’s still funny every time I forget;  bonus.  I had a great time in Denver.  I behave like someone who hasn’t been around enough diversity for a long time and can’t reign in the huge grin.  I strongly suspect it factors into why I find the people of Denver so kind.

cute bearded person

I beta tested a prototype while visiting, and it’s triggered all sorts of thought paths for potential usability.  Air traffic controllers, surgeons, and neurodiverse people were obvious beneficiaries immediately.  By the time I strayed onto a different thought tangent, I had decided it would probably be useful to everyone who wanted to use it.  I merely applied a bit of capitalist tinged triage on the fly.  (Those are people I know are often under tremendous pressure.)

Despite having fun, coming home was the best part.  I longed for home while enjoying myself.  It’s confirmation I’ve successfully configured my living space.  It’s where I want to be.  I had no idea this was the prize.  It’s fabulous!  The funny part is I think it’s going to weaken my tendency toward agoraphobia.  When I know, I have a place where I can genuinely exhale, awaiting my return, going out is a lot less painful.  Yay.  Thank goodness for Marie Kondo.

I think the most important thing she taught me is organization and awareness of my connection to my stuff is a beautiful coping skill for anxiety and depression.  (Usually, what’s good for us is good for most, because many don’t know they dabble in juggling these challenges, too.)  I didn’t bring my new camera because I’m not even sure which parts of it I’m not supposed to touch yet.  I only know those parts exist.  (I’m such a noob.  😂)  I’m off to continue re-reading A Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss.  (We’re in Fae.  😆)

”Elaine, she’s a psychic. She knows how her kid’s going to be.”

16th St Mall, Denver, CO

I’m in Denver and am thrilled I haven’t lost anything so far.  It’s probably something to do with wearing my phone and wallet in a small pouch around my neck. I look like a doof, I’m sure. But it’s worth it.  I’m hanging out with M’s cousins while he attends a meeting. Then we’re off to discover pinball machines.  It’s around 70 F and sunny.  Much better than the snow at home.

I have no idea what we had for lunch, but it was delicious.  It was Indian food, but I forgot to ask further.  I learned as a teen never to decline food from people who invite me into their home.  I offended an African (university student) who was braiding my hair and didn’t realize my error until her son told me she cooked explicitly for my appointment.  I apologized and ate with them, (but I also cried at the same time, and had post-crying hiccups afterward.)

One perk of being a doof:  I learn the shit out of valuable lessons.  Sigh.  It’s barely a perk.  I’m super tired due to being too excited to sleep last night.  My mind is doing aerobics, but my body is whining.  I watched the beginning of Star Wars:  The Last Jedi, when I realized sleep wasn’t happening.  Love it so far.  Spoiler Alert:  I (internally) slammed my foot against the ladder along with the doomed rebel to get that damn remote to fall.  I bet every Jedi (dreamer) who saw it did, too.  The catch and press scene was brilliant.

Star Wars TLJ

Also, I helped General Leia Organa slap Poe for his ruthless priorities.  The timing might be a bit off for the humorous quips, though.  Or, more likely, I just wasn’t ready to laugh after all that loss.  And I have this bizarre need to touch Supreme Leader Snoke’s skin.  He’s scarier than Emperor Palpatine.  He also appears fragile except when furious.  Weird how that increases menace.

I asked M if he thought weed would help me tolerate intensely exciting movies, but he said it would make it much more overwhelming for me.  So I’ll be sticking with patiently waiting for the version I can control with a remote.  (And tossing it up and catching it while pressing pause, like some rebel in a galaxy far, far away.)  ✌🏽

 

“Spending the night is optional!”

Black Girl Magic

I slept.  (Jumping up and down)  I feel like I could run a marathon 10K today.  My face hurts from smiling like I just met Stevie Nicks (and didn’t make a fool of myself in the process.)  It’s sunny and brisk outside, but I only ran my usual 5-mile route this morning.  It felt great, and I was even awake for most of it.  Yay.  🙃

M. will be home this weekend.  He’s in Denver working on a project to assist homeless people.  We’re investing in Denver with a plan to move there in a few years.  It’s the first time we’ve pooled our savings toward a future goal, and I’m excited.  I forgot I own a building there because it’s an investment that requires none of my time.  My former co-workers live and work there, in addition to a few rented commercial spaces.  There’s also an occupied unit where I was meant to live when I’m ready to leave South Dakota.

I wasn’t ready when planned, and remaining here has been wise on all counts in the meantime.  It has growth potential, but it doesn’t cost me anything to take my time and plan wisely.  It’s a source of income that will substantially increase when we’re ready.  Despite the (bigoted) suggestions I move elsewhere (so I can be around my kind,) South Dakota has always been my home.  I’ve lived all over the world, but my roots have remained.  It’ll be a significant transition when I’m ready.

Sioux Falls, SD

I know I occasionally joke about how much it sucks to live here, but it’s only half-hearted.  Sioux Falls is a lovely city.  The people are kind and approachable.  I’m protective of them because you know I’m Ms. Literal, so when I served in the Army, I was serving my community.  With the present political climate, I feel a compelling duty to stay here and remain ready to help the most vulnerable among us.  Adopting a new community will be a new concept, but I’ll eventually face it with M. at my side.

Thanks to those who have lent me some strength during the horrible, awful period of insomnia.  You made a tremendous difference, and I want you to know your efforts got me through.  Taking a chance and offering support on the internet is courageous and I love you for reaching out to me, (not that I didn’t already.)  😂  (I know I’m supposed to withhold this information, but I break rules often, so here we are.)  We can pause and look at the ground together.  🙃

I’m so happy to be myself again.  I don’t like being cranky and spaced out.  When I awoke this morning, Amelia Bedelia was laying on my back.  I hope this is a new habit for her as it felt wonderful.  She was my weighted blanket after I kicked my usual one off the bed.  I’m sleeping hot again, which of course I assume means I’m (thinking I’m) heading into menopause earlyish.  I know it’ll probably be a while before it kicks in, but I’ve been blaming shit on it for a while now.  Heh.

I get hot in my sleep reasonably consistently lately.  I’m going to start cracking the window before I sleep to counteract it because it’s no fun.  Yay for spring.  There’s barely any snow left.  I don’t know why I’m pleased by this as thunderstorms level me.  Ah well, it’s not storming now.  There’s a new version of Bose QC35’s now, but I’m still researching Sony and Senheisser’s offerings.  Beoplay also has an offering in the same price range.  I think I’ll spend some bitcoin when I decide because it’s high now.  🤔  I’m off to the studio for drummer training.

p.s. It’s Guillermo Haro’s 105th birthday! (He was the first person from Mexico to be elected to the Royal Astronomical Society.)

“We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.”

old tires

Welp.  It’s been a long week, and it’s only Wednesday.  I stressed myself out and ended up seeking out my big sister for advice.  She’s close in age with Stevie Nicks. (Yes, it suddenly makes her cooler.)  She helped me calm down, mostly.

I freak out about things with which I have no control like I’m being paid.  I’m having a hard time refraining from beating myself up.  It seems like a logical reaction when I’m the cause.

I’m functioning on auto-pilot too much.  I burned my hand while soldering earlier by reaching for the iron without looking up.  I left my eyes in my other world again.  Along with my brain.  Sigh.  At least it’s not severe.

soldering

I’m assembling DIY kits for the kids in the afterschool program in Denver.  They teach basic electronics and soldering.  Today’s youth need to know how to recycle and repair electronics.

I’m still working on my guide to going off the grid (for free.)  Today’s trash is tomorrows treasure.  Scavenging, repairing, refurbishing, etc. are the skills I’m interested in of late.  Water purification and desalination are up there, too.

M. and I are headed to Colorado to plant more trees.  I’m not bringing a laptop this time.  I need to unplug for a while.  M. has a meeting in Denver, but otherwise, it’ll just be a mini vacation.  I’ll soon be off to play in the dirt and let go of what isn’t working, or needs freed.  Peace.