The show is about nothing!

It’s 68 F here today.  It’s perfect.  Light breeze, sunny, low humidity.  I’ve been doing my chores while watching a Fixer Upper marathon on HGTV.  My sleep issues are bad enough now that I’m going to seriously put forth effort to eliminate them, starting tonight.  The only thing that’s really lacking from my sleep routine is closing my bedroom door with my cat on the outside.  She has several prime nap spots throughout my apartment, so she’ll adjust.  It’ll probably be harder on me than her.  If she cries, then I’ll let her in.  But other than crying, she’s kicked out from now on.  Sleep is just too necessary for my overall wellbeing.  I suspect that I’ll be less scatter-brained once I start sleeping regularly.

I have a pretty regular routine that’s otherwise working for me.  I think if I am asleep by 11PM and get up at 6AM, I’ll spend less time on obsessive behaviors that are overkill.  Such as when I wander about my apartment with a Swiffer duster, and dust everything.  It would be fine if I only did that once a day.  Or less.  But my mind disengages from the task to think about other things as I aimlessly dust.  It’s a step up from pacing, but not by much.  I do have allergies, so that’s probably good.  I think I might be craving mindfulness.  I didn’t see that coming.  Being efficient is important to me, so eliminating wasted time matters.  I did a 10 day forecast for Denver on a few sites, and one predicts light snow on Thursday and Friday.  While I love snow, it’s been so warm of late that I was planning to pack lightly and not bring a coat.  I think I’ll compromise and bring a hoodie.  I have my doubts about it snowing.  Probably because it’s so warm right now.

When I was changing my linens, my cat helped.  She was running around on my mattress while I was putting on the fitted sheet, and she went beneath it.  I put on 3 corners and then watched her chase my hand under the sheet.  It was so funny because she’s so vocal, and she was squeaking.  When she found her way out, I finished making my bed and she lay on my quilt and it looked so much like she was smiling.  I melted.  My cute little Purrminator.  She’s asleep on her tower of bad quilts right now, snoring.  My nephew is coming to visit, which is ridic considering I’m going there Friday, but I don’t mind.  He’ll be flying with me this time.  I can fly by myself easily, but he had something to do in Minneapolis, so he wanted to hang out and go with me.  He’s been working on some plans for my bed.  It’s going to be queen sized.  I prefer to feel enclosed when I sleep, so he’s doing a padded headboard that wraps around the sides a bit.  Then the footboard will also wrap around a bit, but will connect to the headboard above in a rounded arch.  It’ll all be upholstered in leather.  He said to imagine 2 Chesterfield sofas facing each other with a bed in the middle, and the backs of each sofa connecting in an arch above.

I can sort of visualize this.  I’ll probably float it in the middle of the room so that I can put my head at either end.  He’ll make a miniature version for my cat.  I’m leaning toward a cream colored leather with charcoal stitching.  The walls will be a light, pale pink.  I have to pick a rug and lamps.  I’m going to do a mural on the ceiling.  Surreal clouds.  Then I’ll choose a comfy reading chair and that’ll be it for my bedroom.  My closet was originally going to feature a swing in the middle.  That’s been scrapped, and instead I’m getting built ins for shoes, dressers, a bench, and big mirror.  I have an obscene number of t-shirts that I’ll be purging before I move.  But I use a flip-n-fold, and store them in baskets by color, so I’ll have cubbies for that.  Then drawers and hanging space.  He rendered it for me in 3D, so I have a good visual of how it’ll look.  I have to decide if I want to use wallpaper, paint, or leave exposed concrete and wood.

My floors are polished concrete in a light grey color.  I chose a high gloss.  I’m sure it will all come together later this summer.  My half bath has been finished for a while, and it’s bold and geeky-graphic.  I love it so much.  The toilet and pedestal sink are black, and there is black subway tile.  The ceiling is high gloss magenta.  It looks awesome.  The chandelier is cool, too. The mirror is oversized, and sculptural.  I have to find some hand towels for it, and am leaning toward getting black and white striped.  It’s Graphic-Geek-Whimsical in full effect.  It’s the first room I ever designed.  Here is the mural and similar products to get an idea:


The toilet and sink are the same high gloss black as the subway tile, and the floor is the same polished concrete as the rest of my place.  It’s the boldest room by far, but I haven’t done my playroom yet.  I’ll be getting in touch with my inner geeky, artistic collector in that room.  But for now, I only have to focus on paint colors and kitchen cabinets.  It’s nice having builders in the family.

Levels, Jerry

I slept last night.  Seven glorious hours in a row.  I feel sluggish and I awoke with a migraine, but other than that, yay!  It’s 39 F, which feels warm to me.  I’m going to do a short run tonight before the temp. drops off.  I have to maintain the balance between keeping my weight up, and keeping my depression down.  A short run twice a week will suffice for now.  My short route is all within a park, so that’s nice.  I got my cable reinstalled.  Antenna TV was meh.  I’ve been watching HGTV nonstop all day today.  I missed it.  I didn’t realize how much I missed surround sound, but I’m glad to have it back.

Now that I have a DVR, I forgot why I wanted it.  There was a new show with Megan Mullally the other day, but it was at the same time as Big Bang Theory, so I missed it.  I kicked my cat out of my bedroom completely last night.  She keeps thinking it’s time to eat between 2 and 3 AM.  When I tell her it’s not time, she whines, even though she has plenty of food in her bowl.  I can’t stand for her to be unhappy, but I have to sleep.  So I shooed her out and closed the door.  It’s obvious that I sleep better when she’s not walking on me, or systematically knocking everything off every surface to get my attention.  It amuses me, and then I laugh, and she interprets this as my agreeing that it’s playtime.

The second I opened my door when I awoke, she was right there waiting for me.  So I fed her what she was anticipating:  A spoonful of wet food.  I give her this, plus a scoop of dry food every day.  Her weight is good, and her coat is shiny with minimal shedding, so it’s working.  I get her the Blue Buffalo Indoor cat food with LifeSource bits.  She likes it well enough, but once in awhile I give her a handful of cheap dry food on top of her nutritious food as a treat.  She loves it.  It’s her version of junk food.  When she eats, she purrs so loudly it’s funny.  When I first got her, she wouldn’t eat unless I stood right there and assured her it was okay.  That was heartbreaking.  But she’s grown out of that.

She has her own bed underneath mine, but she only uses it if she’s cold, or if I’m watching a loud movie.  She was in there this morning because I had my window cracked all night.  I lay on top of my bed and pulled a corner of bedding back so I could see her.  I stuck my hand down to pet her, and she bit it, but not hard.  I got the message all the same, and retracted and left her alone while cracking up laughing.  She came out soon after, and is in my lap as I type this.  I really hit the jackpot with this cat.  My nephew was teasing me because I call her so many things besides her name.  Emmy, Emberling, Embers, Precious, Baby Girl, Sweetness, etc.  Okay, he has a point.

My finger is healing nicely, but for some reason it still hurts.  I think I may have a deep bruise.  I did lob off a little chunk of my finger right on the tip, which sucks because I can’t play my violin or guitar.  The thing that bothers me the most is that I don’t know what happened to the bit of finger that I lost.  It probably stuck to my initial pressure dressing.  It doesn’t hurt much to type, but it’s noticeable.  I haven’t done anymore work on my quilt today.  I’m thinking about rearranging some furniture, but I haven’t visualized what I want to change yet.  My headache is tolerable now, but not gone.  I just took some Excedrin Migraine, so I’m sure it’ll be gone soon.

I’m supposed to be searching for a sofa for my new place.  Part of me is opposed to this because when I consider my lifestyle, a sofa is just a decoration.  I sit on the floor on a cushion 99% of the time.  When I get sick, which is rare, I make the sofa my island, so I suppose I’ll get one.  My nephew wants to build built in wooden seating, but I said no.  In my case, it would be built in bruisers.  I need my space to be soft with nothing hard to clip a knee or foot on.  I’ve broken my toes so many times it’s ridiculous.  I tried to explain to him that my body is my avatar, and my ability to control it isn’t terribly good.  Maintaining my balance and avoiding walls and furniture is my goal.  When I run, I focus on the rhythm of my music, and my form.  It makes me almost graceful when there’s no ice.

When I walk about, I must pay too much attention to my destination rather than to the journey.  I’ve arranged my furniture to accommodate my clumsy nature.  I need to start getting rid of stuff, though.  It’s making me low level anxious.  I’m going to pick a room and focus on getting rid of anything I don’t need or use, and go from there.  I think I’ll start with my sewing/puzzle room.  It will make moving so much easier if I am already rid of most of my excess stuff.

Dancing with depression

It’s ridiculously cold.  Last night, it dipped down to -15F with a windchill of -34F.  You’d think this would deter college students from hitting the clubs and returning afterward to hold loud conversations in the parking lot at 2AM.  Between that, and listening to drunken stair climbing, followed by door slams, I was annoyed.  I did manage to fall back asleep, though.  Mostly thanks to the Advil PM I took due to leg pain.  I hate when my insomnia catches up to me, and my legs start to hurt.  It feels like bone deep pain, and it’s a dull ache that keeps me awake.  I think it’s my legs telling me that they’ve had enough, and they’re going to sleep regardless of what shenanigans I’m engaging in.

I’ve been paying attention to the weather in Denver.  It’s really mild there.  I’ll be able to run outside year round.  They have a lot more races there too.  While I have no desire to run a marathon ever, I do like 10K and 15K races.  In my case, I think running a marathon would have long term consequences.  It’s not something I’ll put my body through.  It would alter my body chemistry in a major way, and I can’t afford that with PTSD.  My body is too sensitive.  Surgery has this poor effect on me, too.  Fortunately, the only surgery I foresee in my future is implantation of some sort of device that aids in maintaining the ideal body chemistry.  Once it’s invented and made available, anyway.

I’ve avoided weighing myself for weeks now.  I can tell I’m too low by how much clothes fit, but I guess I’m running with denial for now.  My appetite is low to non-existent.  Every so often, I have intense protein cravings, though.  I hate that it’s such an interruption.  I just want to work on my projects without being interrupted.  I’ll have to think about this, and find a new plan.  I’m starting OT again next week.  I’ll be focusing on food prep and adding variety to my diet.  I was upset about it, but I talked to a friend, and now I recognize it’s for the best.  When I move, we’ll reassess if it’s necessary to continue there.  I can feel a steady, constant anxiety in relation to moving.  In my mind, I waiver on it every day.

I think I’ll start with visiting there, and increase the length of my stays until I’m there more than here.  I know if I move my cat there, it’ll get me to stay there.  That and the inconvenience of traveling.  I can tell it’s low level stressing me out already.  I’m not set to move until August.  I’m an overachiever when it comes to needless worry.  There is some intangible sense that accepts a new space as home.  When I was in the Army, I had a confident grip on that sense, and could resettle in a few days without feeling displaced.  I think I need to focus on getting rid of a lot of my stuff.  I hope that by August, I am rid of about 80% of my stuff.  I’ll photograph a lot of stuff I like, but don’t want the burden of owning.  That will help tremendously.  Owning too much stuff is stressful.  Especially when I know there are others who would treasure many of the things I neglect.

When I was a kid, my mom would have an annual purge of toys and clothes.  We would get to choose 2 things we wanted to keep, and the rest was given away.  It involved a lot of crying at first, but we always managed.  The Army reinforced this by teaching that you should never own more than you can carry.  As adults, it’s interesting to see how this affected us.  Heather became a hoarder who couldn’t part with anything, no matter it’s condition.  Steve used to move a lot, and leave most of his shit behind.  Guy is a minimalist who favors black and white decor.  My oldest brother is a nomad.  My oldest sister likes large, luxurious things.  And then there’s me.  I guess I focus on lots of open space so I can run around, pace, and play with my cat.

I’m most deliberate about my bed, because I’m always at war with sleep.  I make it as inviting as possible, choosing soft linens, etc.  I wish it worked.  The rest of my space is about my interests.  In Denver, it’ll be set up according to activity, with lots of cabinets and drawers to keep everything in it’s place.  One of the perks to having master cabinet builders for nephews.  The lighting will be soft, so that alone will make it more livable for me.  Lighting is so important to me.  I wish those buzzing fluorescent overhead lamps were outlawed.  I still have nightmares about them from primary school.  Whoever decided on the format for classrooms is an asshole.  It’s certainly not conducive to learning, regardless of neurodiversity.  The groups are too large, and the students aren’t even involved.  I’m hoping VR glasses are something I can tolerate.  I know I’ll be taking them apart and reverse engineering an alternative that will accommodate my glasses.  I’m off to clean.