“I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian!”

I’m in Colorado for the weekend.  We planted a few trees early this morning, and are getting ready for another round of digging in the dirt.  It felt awesome to sleep under the stars (kinda.)  I mean, technically it’s impossible not to, but I was in a tent.  Nature is an excellent sleep aid.  I didn’t sleep particularly long, but it’s the quality that counts.  My cellular reception is better here than at home.  M. is surprised I brought my laptop.  I’m a soldier to my core.  Before I move to an even more remote location, I’m going to test the shit out of my equipment and develop some reliable redundancy.  (Is that redundant?) 🤣

We’ve spent hours talking about the future.  We’re going to help build a community of people who refuse the grid.  We’ll communicate via the internet.  People from all over the world who choose to stop abusing the planet.  This will take a lot of effort to convert from idea to reality.  Good thing I’m a wee bit on the obsessive side, eh?  My goal is to make the conversion affordable.  (To me, that means free.)  So anyone from anywhere can participate.  Absolute inclusion.  Be alive to enter.  (So I guess the dead aren’t invited but bring your best memories.)

M. is focusing on the medical side.  Lots of people on earth are elderly, infirm, dependents, and/or disabled, which determines the (new) standards.  The abled adjust, (this time.)

The quality of life of the least able among us determines the level of humanity, civility, and righteousness of the people.

I think we all know this, deep down.  Many pseudo-adults in our cancerous, existing status quo resent this, like toddlers.  They’re humanities disease.  We must heal what we can heal, for the sake of all.  I’m excited, most of all, but lots of other feelings, too.  It’s going to take a lot of time and every resource I can muster.  It’s going to take the will of lots of humans.  Striving spirits.

My time here has brought a smidgen of clarity to my thoughts regarding spirituality.  I’ve finally managed to define what it is regarding people I find so loveable.  I’m attracted to striving spirits.  I don’t care if you call it Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, atheism, or something  I haven’t heard of yet.  I don’t care if you call yourself a Latter Day Saint or Catholic, or Muslim, etc.

It’s your striving spirit I see and love instantly.  Striving to be all you can be. (The irony never stops. 🤣)  You’re on the road;  I’m waving you in for an embrace.  Sophistication isn’t in the cards for me. (I just proved it by thinking, “Whatever.”)  The Muse is still dancing on the wind.  She’s like a smile that won’t go away.  I love her.  (She knows Stevie Nicks!)  I know, I know.  “Geez, Alison, when are you going to chill about Stevie Nicks?”  Right?  Welp.  You’ve had (as much as) decades to relax, knowing she exists.  I was under a fucking rock, and have only had months.  So… gimme a few decades, alright?  Glad we had this talk. 🙃

Here’s a song I remember from my childhood that reminds me of Stevie Nicks:

Be like the bird

Who halting in her flight

On a limb too slight

Feels it give way beneath her

Yet sings, sings

Knowing she hath wings

Yet sings, sings

Knowing she hath wings


I’d better get back to work.  In case someone is inadvertently stung by the (random-ish) Seinfeld quote in the title, here’s my truth:  I don’t hate men.  If I could choose my sexuality, I would pick lesbian in a heartbeat.  (Women are so easy to love.  I just lack the desire to have sex with them, which I understand is a disqualifier.)  Off to dig and discuss. 💜


I come home and find my son treating his body like an amusement park!

I’m overtired.  Good thing it’s the weekend.  I hyperfocused on coding earlier and now I feel a bit loopy.  I got a raise at work today.  My boss appreciates my ideas and said I’m making him more money by pointing out wasteful practices (and other obvious shit.)  My quirk of despising inefficiency is good for business.  Yay.  I like my job.  I haven’t worked a part-time job since I was a teenager.  I worked at Mcdonald’s prior to joining the Army.  Heather was the only one of my siblings who didn’t work at Mcdonald’s as a teenager.  She got $100 allowance for doing nothing.  I’m still a little bit pissed off about it.  I know, the lesson is life isn’t fair.  Got it.  (Deleted 2 paragraphs of me whining about this. You’re welcome.)

I’ve been pondering a move again.  I would love to move to California.  It would be a nice thing to do for my body.  My blood pressure would thank me often.  I could use medical marijuana to treat my anxiety, which would free me from the cage it keeps me in too often.  I could fall in love with the sea.  It calls to me from the Badlands; the pinkish layers of an ancient sea.  But something holds me back.  Some part of me feels it’s wiser for me to stay and grow from my original roots.  I long for the comfort of diversity.  Racial isolation is uncomfortable, but I can’t stomach running away from discomfort.  This is where I grew up.  My location is irrelevant.  These are my neighbors.  This is my community.  I can grow here.

I’ve been thinking about joining a local church.  I’ve asked a few friends who know of churches in their area where atheists are welcome.  On the surface, it probably seems silly.  I’m fine with that.  I’m seeking fellowship.  I’m too far out on the fringe of my community.  I was so preoccupied with my career, I ignored everything else.  I’ve since learned this was unwise.  I’m embarrassed because it’s obvious if I gave it any thought.  I’m not to the point where I yell at random kids to get off my lawn, yet.  I’m relieved I got a clue before I went there.  I saw a blurb about an LGBTQ+ friendly church somewhere near downtown.  That works.  I don’t think of myself as LGBTQ+, but it translates to “We don’t do hate” in my eyes.

I’m confident I’ll find what I’m seeking.  I should probably go back to calling myself an agnostic.  I didn’t make the cut for atheism.  There are still humans in my world whose lives and actions defy my ability to be certain.  Even now when the world seems to be on fire, they’re steadfast.  I’m a keen observer.  I take notes.  My focus has shifted to learning how to emulate them.  A friend and I agreed earlier this year we were going to be empowered women going forward.  I have to admit, I like it.  It’s not about control or power, it’s about respecting myself to the degree others naturally do the same.  I have so many good examples to follow it’s ridic.  I love when that happens.  I’m off to continue rereading the Wheel of Time series.  I just began the first book in the series written by Brandon Sanderson.