“And the heat! My god, the heat!”

feet standing on ON sign

It’s ridic humid and hot here.  Menopause is forcing me to make some lifestyle decisions.  Since I am not able to power my home with excess body heat, there’s no point in risking spontaneous combustion.  From my perspective, it seems menopause is a built-in get-your-shit-together-or-burn stage of life.  I found a supplement on Amazon that works well for me, called Breeze.

After the first bottle, I was hot flash free and thought that meant they were over.  I was mistaken, (and winter tricked me.)  Next, I tried a soy isolate supplement, and it didn’t help at all.  So I went back to using Breeze.  After only a few days, the hot flashes disappeared again, (and I internally kicked myself for playing.)  My electric bill doubled in May from running the central air at 68° F all that time.  🤭🤫

Now, I’m a fan placement ninja.  I have it set at 70° F, and am comfortable.  I’m able to sleep until my cat wakes me at 4:30-ish AM.  Then I return to bed for a few hours after feeding her.  I’m feeling tired earlier in the night, now.  I felt sleepy and went to bed before 11 PM last night (without being ill.)  I haven’t done that since Jr. High.  In the Army, they told us we only needed 4 hours per night, and I believed it without question.  🤪  My side hustle was ironing uniforms and polishing boots while the smart soldiers were sleeping.  (And you know I thought I was the smart one.  🤣)

workout gear

I had an orange and royal blue sweatsuit and matching sneakers I wore after hours while ironing and shining.  I thought I looked so cute until someone asked me if I worked at Dominos.  😂 (I kept wearing it because funny is even better IMO.)  I bought an RX7 and later a BMW 525 SI IIRC (both used), so the extra fundage served me well during my car-caring phase.  Driving a late model BMW while a glorified private still cracks me up.  (Even though it was a flashing neon sign saying, I’m new and have no concept of tomorrow.)

I’m devouring all the junk food in my house this weekend.  After that, I’m adopting the Keto diet.  One of my autistic besties made the change recently, and it’s eliminated issues we share.  The headache upon awakening and lots of other minor inflammation and pains I didn’t notice when not in my body are being addressed.  Also, my new belly.  At first, I was going to keep it, but then I realized it’s bullying my wardrobe options.  Plus, spandex looks hot.  Hard pass.  The belly has to go (do crunches.)

I’m reading, The Three Body Problem, by Cixin Liu, (translated by Ken Liu, who wrote the Good Hunting episode on Love, Death, and Robots on Netflix.)  I love it so far.  Before this, I read The Paper Menagerie and Other Stories by Ken Liu, and Exhalation by Ted Chiang.  I’m enjoying all three authors tremendously.  I watched the new season of Black Mirror.  Suddenly, I love Miley Cyrus.  I want her to cover more NIN songs, then move to Nirvana, Green Day, and keep going with alternative rock.  It fits her like a glove.  Also, Netflix, please release the Ashley O songs for downloading and streaming.  (That shit on Spotify?  Really?)  Thanks!

Striking Vipers - Black Mirror - Netflix

Striking Vipers was brilliant.  The actors likely made Charlie Brooker dance with joy.  They gave his characters believable dimension and relatability, allowing him to tell a story about us, whose subject was previously denied, causing unnecessary hardship.  (Keep throwing money at him, please, Netflix. 💜)  Tales of the City by Armistead Maupin, starring Ellen Page was fabulous.  I’m watching Pose, now, (thanks to The Read podcast.)  More love.  TV rocks, now.  I’m off to stare at it while depleting my fruit roll-up stash.   💜✌🏾

“Why shouldn’t we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?”

tea break

I’m having a good week.  There was a near-meltdown moment that initially devastated, but quickly developed into reaffirming communication and connection with people significant to me.  After taking some time to process the experience, I recognized positive aspects worthy of celebration.  I went from lamenting the challenges of being autistic in a neurotypical world, to strategizing new ways of coping with them in the future, in mere hours.

The speed and clarity of resolve astonished me.  I realize I’ve leveled up in the game of life.  I’ve been floating on a cloud of joy ever since.  The process of rebuilding and learning myself still feels new and intriguing.  I almost fell into a pit of sorrow over letting go of things I once held so close.  Examining the root of these values, and acknowledging the fact they were never mine, but only acquired by rote, helped me bypass the trap.  Yay.  🙃

The changes I’ve made are small, but the results immense.  I drink herbal teas, now.  In the past, I rejected all hot beverages, without bothering to determine why.  Now I know it’s because they require me to be present in my body while partaking to avoid injury.  (It’s funny to me in hindsight.) Asking myself why turned out to be an excellent method of understanding myself in many ways.  Naturally, it led to delving deeper with more questions.

unreality

Instead of feeling regret about being different, and trying to force me to change and pretend to be like others in pursuit of acceptance by strangers, I’m using my energy to know myself.  I’m no longer accepting the values and beliefs of others as my own.  If they don’t originate within my soul, they aren’t mine.  Pretending they were was slowly erasing the essence of me.  I have no use for acceptance based on unreality.

I’d rather be alone in the dark. – Sheryl Crow

I began watching another series on Netflix titled, Black Mirror.  It’s not a show I can binge watch, (she said while giggling.)  The first episode is excruciating.  It’s also brilliant.  It’s a 44-minute test to determine if you’re eligible to continue watching.  It’s a mental tattoo.  I’m pleased it exists as I love things that lead to new paths of thought and discussion.  It also provokes me to question and learn myself.

It’s dark and foggy this week, and I struggle to sleep when it’s so humid.  Last night, I lay in bed listening to Amy Lee (Evanescence.)  I thought about how her music has accompanied my life through many hardships and growing pains.  I think I finally grok why certain musicians reach me so profoundly.  It’s about energy.  My knowledge and vocabulary are presently limited on this topic, as I’m relying solely on intuition.  I plan to explore it further, though.

I used to get so offended when people would question my choices in music (often based on things as superficial as race.)  I think it’s because I didn’t know why some appeal to me far more than others.  I’m thrilled to understand.  Amy Lee, Stevie Nicks, ABBA, Lorde, Sheryl Crow, Bach, Mozart, etc.  These musicians create music I can climb inside and bask in energy that soothes my soul.  That’s why.  🙃😂  I’m off to band practice.  💜✌🏽