“Why can’t you be like that Lloyd Braun?”

road trip

I’m still paying off the debt to my body for eating like I don’t understand how consequences work.  I feel like my neurons are communicating via dial-up when I’m used to gigabit speeds.  The signals get there eventually, but I’m so exasperated and clumsy in the meantime.  I’d love to share about how executive function is involved, and the importance of eating wisely, but it’s not happening today.

I’m supposed to leave for my sisters’ place in a few days, but I have no idea if it will happen.  I can’t predict that far in advance how I’ll be feeling with any accuracy.  Thinking ahead requires too much bandwidth.  Driving for roughly five hours in a row is a challenge for me when I’m functioning at my best.  I’ve pulled it off a few times, but I’ve always been in awe of myself for a bit afterward.

Driving requires a lot of focus.  It’s hard for me to allocate that much of my attention on a task that doesn’t interest me.  It’s similar to being overtired and trying to pull an all-nighter anyway.  I have to remind myself every few moments to pay attention.  On top of that, I live on the prairie.  It’s flat and monotonous.  I sing with my system blaring until I hit a city.  Then fear of collision takes over, and it’s all good.

I’ve driven around Iowa, Minnesota, and Nebraska so far.  I tried a guided bus tour years ago, but it was to Deadwood, SD.  It sucked.  It’s only a fun town if you’re into gambling, (and even then fun might be a stretch.)  I don’t gamble.  (Gambling and lottery tickets are topics that raise my blood pressure.  I blame statistics.)  Traveling with strangers from an elder generation wasn’t fun, either.  (I strongly suspect my presence made them tired.)

prairie

The weather is perfect today.  It’s 62° F and sunny.  I’d love to go for a run, but I can’t trust myself to stick to my route yet.  When my brain is in this state, I’m extremely likely to keep going, and then eventually realize I don’t recognize my surroundings.  I hate when that happens.  I rely more on my sense of smell than any weather apps when it comes to rain.  I was once caught out in a lightning storm, but at least there wasn’t any thunder, (it levels me.)  Sigh.  Not today.

I dumped DirecTV Now and went back to PlayStation Vue.  It’s only $4 more per month, and it doesn’t suck.  I got tired of the buffering, and crappy picture before my introductory offer with DirecTV Now ended.  It also took more bandwidth than PlayStation Vue for a less reliable, sad result.  I can use picture-in-picture on my iPad Pro to have live TV or my DVR shows play while I use another app simultaneously with PlayStation Vue’s app.  I like the user interface on my Roku, too.

I dumped them because they raised the price, but after trying some competitors, I’m back, baby.  I think the channel line-up for the basic tier is better, too.  I hope M doesn’t look at the available offerings (for more money) and see all the games he could be watching.  I’ll probably end up upgrading out of guilt.  (I suck at feigning interest in sports.)  The DVR in the cloud rules, too.  Yay, Sony.  How about lowering the price of the PlayStation 4 Pro, eh?  $350 is more reasonable now that the Xbox One X is out (and no drop date for PlayStation 5.)  I’m just saying.  😀💜

“Death is number two!”

garbage or junk food

A letter to future me:  Please read this whenever you think perhaps you can get away with it just this one time.  You cannot. You cannot get away with it.  You’ve forgotten the consequences because it’s been so long since you last attempted this foolishness.  Stop it right now.  Read the whine-fest below, and remember where it leads.  Dammit.

I’m a strong woman.  Sometimes I make poor decisions and regret them later.  Apparently, I’m also a bit of a sadist, because I’ve made this particular error repeatedly.  I know better.  I guess I forgot I’m autistic and have PTSD or something.  Oops.  Tut tut.  There are rules.  I can’t eat garbage without paying a hefty price. It’s due to consequences that usually take at least a week to resolve entirely, and sometimes far longer.

The universe is laughing at me.  (Not the fun kind you can join.)  I put the wrong fuel in my body, and now it’s acting up.  I need a priorities intervention, stat.  I get tempted by junk food every so often, and instead of analyzing why, I give in and indulge.  I need that data because the results are once again kicking my ass.  (Perhaps some mild public shaming will finally put an end to this folly.)

It hit me just before 7 AM.  I awoke later than usual with no desire to get out of bed.  Just the idea of rising made me whimper inside; a red flag because I’m not big on sleep.  Unless I’m unwell, I’m ready to get up when I wake up.  Then, The Depression Monster showed up.  That bastard went straight to a commentary about politics designed to raise my blood pressure.

My mood did a backflip over the cliff, while simultaneously flipping both birds at half mast.  It happened so quickly I was stunned.  It probably worked in my favor by causing me to question what the hell just happened.  I realized The Depression Monster was involved and slammed on the brakes.  Then I figured out why and launched directly into beating myself about the head and neck for doing this to myself again.  Sigh.

garbage

I didn’t manage to shower and dress until 4 PM.  I didn’t spend that time in bed, though.  I spent it pacing around my apartment while debating with myself silently.  Some of that time was spent experiencing awe over how long I’d been doing it.  I tried so hard to stop.  I even wrote out the one step I was trying to take on my whiteboard, (then passed it over and over without it registering for a long, long time.)  It said, Get in the shower.

These are hours of my life I can never get back, (and this is day one.)  All because I had to eat some freaking garbage.  It’s not worth it.  Memorize this, Alison.  You’re in training for menopause, and it could start anytime in the next decade.  Get your shit together, or it’ll end you.  Dammit.

“I’m queen of the castle.”

spring flowers

I’m shakily maintaining while adjusting to changes in the plan for my upcoming trip.  It’s happening in stages starting with a near complete meltdown and working back from there.  It feels like coming to an unexpected and abrupt halt after coasting quickly.  I guess I acquired a bit of whiplash.  I’ve spent a good part of today reasoning with myself, and have finally convinced myself it’s a mere speedbump.

I can do this.  I need to calm down and start over.  My new mantra is:  If the music is still playing, everything is alright.  (I got it from the last time I fell while running with music.)  Sometimes being literal is helpful.  I’m going to play pinball on PlayStation 4 later to resolve the knot in my gut.  I had fun practicing with my band yesterday, but unwinding afterward was difficult.  I’d like to list my tendency to become over-excited on eBay.  I’ll even throw in a box of Hot Tamales (because yum.)

It’s nearly 70° F today.  All the snow is gone from my balcony, although there are still little piles from clearing the parking lots.  There are lots of people out walking dogs and babies.  The birds are singing outside, too.  It’s a comforting sound.  I also like the music of cars driving by with their windows down and systems up.   And an airplane flying by every so often.  Outside sounds lovely in spring.

I’m reading a fascinating book by Octavia E. Butler titled, Dawn.  It’s part of a near-future speculative fiction trilogy.  (I’ll try not to give any spoilers.)  It involves a group of humans rescued from the dying post-nuclear earth by aliens.  And the price they may end up paying for the favor.  That’s probably all I can say without giving anything away.  I’m enthralled and already ordered the next two books.

I think my sporadic pleas to the universe to send some aliens already motivated my choice.  I think I love books as much as music.  I was going to say, and that’s saying something, but then it occurred to me it’s saying nothing to anyone but me.  😂  I just cracked myself up.  I finished John Scalzi’s latest, Head On, previously.  I suspect it’s going to be a favorite among several stories in the same universe, much like Old Man’s War series.  I enjoyed the book.  It changed the tone of the series a bit from the more serious first installment; Lock In.  I hope that’s not a spoiler.  🙃

Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor was another recent book I loved.  So much for my idea to curb my reading a bit this year.  I forgot why I even thought it was necessary.  😂  It’s not interfering with my writing or music, so it’s all good.  Oh right, it was something about sleep.  Over it.  I’m off to look for Coachella videos of Beyoncé on YouTube.  I heard excellent things.  😆

“What’s your definition of scary cold?”

travel

I’m back in Sioux Falls.  We had a thunder blizzard last night.  It felt pre-apocalyptic, but I was overwhelmed at the time, (so assume a minor adjustment for reality.)   I’m sure I’ve mentioned how thunder freaks me out, (beyond my ability to pretend I’m fine.)  Strong gusts of wind against my improperly weatherized balcony doors made it worse.  The howling wind in my living room was creepy.

Today there’s a layer of ice covering everything, including my windows.  It’s as if it rained sideways, froze, then snowed.  I opened my balcony doors to have a look because the windows provide a trippy view.  It took lots of effort to open them.  Then after gawking for a bit, I struggled to close them again.  I had to dig through two feet of snow to step outside.

It’s supposed to snow all day, then twice more next week.  Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow shiver this year, I guess.  I’ve already determined my next travel destination:  Northeast to visit my sister.  It’ll be both visit and tech consultation.  I send her my former gadgets, knowing she’ll pass along whatever doesn’t interest her.  She’s repeatedly surprised me with her interest and eagerness to learn.

groundhog

I’ve made the drive before, and there are only three turns.  Heh.  It’ll be soonish (before my sister leaves for her summer place.)  I’m a bit leery of my niece who she’ll be visiting afterward, (her oldest kid.)   I still have the occasional nightmare of her beating me up.  She punches like Miss Sophia in The Color Purple, (and from a similar training ground.)  She knocked me out when I came home from basic training for Christmas.  (Just to remind me of my place in her world.)

My sister has that toughness in her, too.  But she uses it to endure rather than bully.  I’ve only seen her be violent to a brown bear who invaded our camp.  She calmly pelted it with rocks until it fled.  😂  I’m going to teach her a bit of Photoshop and lots of tutorial links since she has a DSLR camera.  I’m also going to give her my 25-key Novation midi keyboard to try some music apps on the iPad.  And a keynote presentation on why she needs to get broadband.  She uses her iPhone for all things interweb.  (!!!)

I probably have a Wacom tablet in my retired gadgets closet.  I’d like to see her embrace her creativity digitally.  I love teaching tech to people who are older than me.  They’re so easy to train it’s delightful.  The only thing you have to do is pretend you’re doing it for the first time, and say what you do out loud as you do it slowly.  Then give it to them in writing as an ordered checklist, and done, (they master it after you leave.)  They also usually end up teaching me about features I’ve never used before.  (Probably because of RTFM.) 😂

Baby boomers tend to be less intellectually lazy than Gen X’ers in my observations.  Let’s blame corn syrup.  😶  I’m going to try and watch more Star Wars:  The Last Jedi.  I’m already anxious as hell, so I may as well knock out some anxiety-provoking activities while I’m already maxed out.  Too bad I don’t need anything from the mall, or I’d throw that in, as well.  😂  Peace.

“Did you close with the swirl?”

 

Look awayI’ve had an exceedingly frustrating day.  It’s not over yet as I’m still waiting for a technical issue to be fixed after several hours of back and forth communication.  At least I can say I didn’t cry about it.  I came dangerously close, but I sucked it up.  I’m confident it will be resolved soon.

I’m still dealing with insomnia but I ordered groceries earlier, and they included a non-addicting sleep aid.  I’m not hopeful for tonight, though.  I figured out what’s going on.  It’s my method of coping with life.  I force myself not to grieve and agonize over how we humans treat one another during my waking hours.

Unfortunately, when I sleep, the bill comes due.  Everything I avoided thinking about plays out horrifically in my dreams.  I feel trapped by this strategy, but it’s the only way I can survive.  Now I’m going further by drugging myself, so I can sleep.  It feels like a chicken-shit option, but so does the alternative.

I honestly don’t know how others can sleep with even more knowledge about fellow humans behaving atrociously.  I avoid the news.  I can’t watch TV unless it’s a cartoon.  The Flintstones and Hey Arnold! are my shows these days.  I’m relieved I can at least read novels, although some of them level me in my sleep.  I just finished reading The Lords of Discipline by Pat Conroy for the second time.  My gut regrets my decision.

My inner asshole has been verbally hazing me for being incapable of coping with reality.  I’ve thought about phlebotomizing myself again, but not seriously.  It’s not a solution, just a concession that exceptional intelligence is more disability than a gift IMO.  (Especially when my avatar is black and female.)

Sad kitty

I’m hoping when I’m well rested, I’ll be able to see the positive aspects of my life as they also exist.  Exhaustion isn’t the same as depression, but it sucks just as much.  Both shine a spotlight on all things negative and exasperating.  I’m reduced to my pathetic facts list to help me cope.  Things like:  At least I’m middle-aged, and no matter what, it’ll all be over soonish.  I’m getting a lot of mileage out of that fact.

I feel like Miss Celie telling Sophia not to fret over spousal abuse because life is a temporary condition in The Color Purple.  Sigh.  I need to decide on a novel to read later.  I’ll probably choose something by John Irving or Charles Dickens.  For now, I’m off to watch Stevie Nicks on YouTube.  She can make me smile even through tears.