“Cut off your nose to spider face.”

foggy bridge

It’s been a challenging week.  My central air ran out of freon and froze up.  I had to shut it off and wait until a professional could come out and refill it (the following day.)  I’m stunned by how much this minor situation threw me off.  I didn’t want to stay at M’s or get a hotel room for a single night without ac.  (It’s not like there was a giant spider.)  The temperature in my apartment fluctuated between 76 and 79 F; however, the humidity rose to 90% overnight.  I spent the night watching Steven Universe on my iPad.  (It’s such a fabulous show.)

I thought a lot about how much I love central air and how grateful I am to have access.  Heh.  The cat ran between windows half the night (like ALF was out there or something.)  Her delight in making the best of the situation helped, I guess.  I can’t remember how miserable it was anymore because it’s working great now.  I took a nap while my apartment cooled and slept so hard I was disoriented when I awoke three hours later.  Last night I slept soundly and comfortably, probably grinning.  🙃

I think I’m starting to grok how my subconscious communicates with me when conscious.  I usually notice when it’s Pi Time (3:14 PM.)  I often glance up and look at a digital clock at that time.  (Then I announce it’s Pi Time, smile, and think about it for a while.)  Lately, it’s shifted to 3:16 PM;  (Matthew 3:16 in the New Testament.)  As someone taught by Christians, I know the verse.  The first time I hyper-focused on what it meant, it made me incredibly sad.  I didn’t feel worthy, and it made me want to scream, I object at God.

child pretending to be a monster

I was eighteen and exploring religion for the first time as an adult. 🤣 Now, I feel like I understand the verse.  My former reaction has transformed into acceptance, calmness, and awe.  It only took thirty-two years.  Yep;  that sounds about right.  Always late and excited to arrive.  Love thy neighbor as thyself is more apparent to me than ever before, as well.  (It rings true like all the bells of Westeros.)  I believe this slight shift in time noticing was a message from my subconscious informing me of new connections in my mind.  The pathways feel more solidified now that I’ve connected the dots while awake.

Side Note:  When I was eighteen, I was at my cockiest.  Completing basic training made me so confident in my abilities, I was a supreme asshole.  Then I went home on leave, my niece beat me up, and I got over myself damn near immediately.  (I thought about defending qualifying that, but it just kept making it worse.)

Our minds are so fascinating.  (Yells, brains, in my zombie’s voice.)  I’m a believer in shouting into the void.  Six degrees of separation and the interwebs makes it viable.  (It’s also a great movie starring Will Smith.)  I discovered my participation in social media is unnecessary;  I’m still in the loop through my tribe.  (I only see the memes my friends know I’ll appreciate.)  I don’t train rogue AI for free (or at all), so I’ve never used Facebook.  (Avoiding all the political brainwashing by Cambridge Analytica and Fuckerberg is a nice bonus.  Still happening, yo.)

I didn’t rejoin Twitter after hearing someone lashed out at Hey Fran Hey and Crissle West.  I’m proud of myself for heeding the option to stop and think first.  I have a theory about the tweet author.  The hateful words were a cover.  The person who aimed them and fired was pain-talking.  The targets are people who consciously chose to heal from their pain and grow and thrive while on their journey through life.  From wanting to do that, to actively doing so, it is a journey in itself.  It takes dedication, hard work, and doing lots of shit you’re not confident you can pull off without weeping the whole time.

spider web

It’s daunting when taking your first baby steps away from crisis mode — just thinking about it when that shaky can make you want to cry.  Or maybe even say something horrible to people who are showing us how to do it.  Because now you can’t deny the possibility, which means you probably have to do all that hard shit, too.  And it’s going to suck so badly at times; you’ll be astonished healing isn’t fatal.  It’s not fair.  But lashing out at padawans makes them grow.  So, get a therapist, and get busy because misery is a shitty investment.  I’m off to make noise.  💜✌🏽