Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Today was busy.  I was offered a teaching job, but it would require me to move to the Boston area.  I don’t want to live there, so I won’t be taking the job.  I wish all decisions were that easy.  I’m doing a freelance contract while I rethink my original project.  I failed on my first try, but I’m trying again.  I have to think on it, and try to grasp the problem better before I try to solve it.

Most of what I do involves solving a problem by breaking it down into instructions so simple that even a computer can understand it.  Mainly because I use a language the computer can interpret.  There are a lot of details as well, but that’s the gist of it.  I love computers, and part of me thinks it’s because they’re so black and white.  I’ve spent more time with computers than any person.

Sometimes I worry that the internet is more of a distraction than it is a tool.  A few of my computers don’t use the internet at all.  This is deliberate.  The best way to avoid getting information stolen, is to make it as inaccessible as possible.  Hacking on the internet is still way too easy to allow sensitive material to maintain a connection.  So many businesses are putting convenience ahead of security, and then want us to feel sorry for them when they get hacked.  Sony comes to mind.

I feel contempt for companies that get hacked, not pity.  I seriously think they should be held accountable legally for being vulnerable to cyber attacks while maintaining sensitive information about their customers.  Target got off easy considering how epic their fuckup was.  Just unbelievable.  Ignorance is not an excuse when you commit a crime.  Ignorance shouldn’t be an excuse for negligence in security in this day and age either.

If you put your customers sensitive information in a database that’s connected to the internet, and it gets hacked because you were too incompetent to use even a reasonable amount of preventative security, your CEO should be in jail next to the poor moron who got caught with weed.  Only one of those crimes is harmful to the community.  We need to punish the ones who are ultimately responsible.  If one of those over compensated CEO’s was rotting in jail for ineptitude, the others would likely get a clue.

Right now, I’m leaning toward Bernie Sanders as the candidate I’ll vote for.  Some of the things Hillary Clinton is focused on made my eyes glaze over.  The war on drugs is a joke.  Stop throwing money at it. Legalize, then tax the hell out of drugs, like the smart states are doing.  Only take it further.  If an adult chooses to buy heroin or some other drug that will probably kill them, let them do it.  Let them be an adult and make choices, and then face the consequences.

Trying to stop them from doing it hasn’t worked.  It hasn’t even made a dent in the “problem”.  In the meantime, we have kids who want to learn who can’t afford to go to college.  Or they’re desperate enough to take out huge loans and go anyway, only to have them come due before they find gainful employment. This is unnecessary.   A tax on cocaine and marijuana could ensure a 4 year college degree for every kid in the country, including the outrageously priced textbooks.

The textbook industry for universities is running the same bullshit profiteering schemes as the government sanctioned drug industry.  There’s something for the government declare war against.  Okay. That’s enough ranting for now.  I don’t want to get my blood pressure too high.

Ooh, shiny!

The announcements from Apple today were fun to watch.  I’m planning on getting the Apple TV since I dumped cable a while ago, and stream everything now.  I have smart tv, roku 3, and the Amazon stick, but in my living room, I’m using my Playstation 3 for streaming and watching blurays.  It’s fine, but not ideal.  The interface is frustrating.  I hated the Xbox One, so I’m hoping the Apple TV will fulfill my needs.

The problem with the Xbox One was that it was always on, and constantly downloading shit in the background.  Between that and the camera, it felt way too invasive.  I didn’t hack it because I knew quickly that I hated it.  I sold it on Amazon, along with my Wii U.  I hated that even more.  The games were fun, and the interface was okay, but the painfully slow downloads that were required before I could even play made me want to throw it off my balcony.

I don’t know what’s wrong with Nintendo, but they just can’t seem to get it together since the original Wii.  That was awesome.  Everything since has sucked so badly it’s hard to believe they came from the same company.  It’s sad.  I gave my 3DS XL to a kid in my building.  He cleaned up my parking spot in the underground garages in return.  He was probably 8 or 9, so that was as much labor as I was comfortable with him doing.  He was so eager to earn it, so I know he appreciates it far more than I ever did.

I love my Playstation Vita, but I keep reading that it’s considered a failure for Sony.  I’m a Playstation fangirl.  I didn’t realize it until I noticed that I have two Playstation 3’s, a Playstation 2, a Playstation 4, a PSP, and the Vita.  Four consoles plus 2 handhelds equals fangirl.  I used to like a lot of other things by Sony, but now I only like their gaming consoles.  They were so incredibly bad at creating software for the Viao laptops.  I’m glad they sold Vaio, hopefully to a more competent business.

The rose gold iPhone 6s was tempting.  I may upgrade, but I haven’t decided yet.  I didn’t pay attention to much of the upgrades.  I saw the 12 MP camera and 4k video.  Meh.  The iPad Pro and iPencil look ridiculous to me.  That was when I started noticing silly shit.  Like how every year the new whatever they are plugging is better than anything they’ve ever offered before.  Duh!  Why would you go to so much effort to announce something that’s not as good as what’s already available?  I laughed when I saw that.

Their pathetic attempt to be more diverse was funny too.  Between the 3 token females, and the photoshopping of the image of a woman’s smile, it was embarrassing.  They have a way to go in that regard.  I didn’t even bother watching the Apple watch stuff.  Mine is still my alarm clock and nothing more.  I’ll upgrade the OS on the 16th, but if that doesn’t result in a full day on a single charge, I’m selling it.  I wish I had stuck to the golden rule:  Never buy first generation anything from Apple.

Memories

When I was a kid, I asked my mom if god was real.  She told me not to take the bible too literally.  That was the extent of my mom’s teachings regarding religion.  I think it was good advice.  My family attended a Lutheran church until I was 10.  We were asked not to return after my brother, Steve, swallowed the Sunday School goldfish on a dare.  There were several similar antics that led up to this dismissal.  After that, we didn’t go to church anymore.

I thought the entire episode was hilarious, and am guilty of being extremely pleased when Steve met the dare without hesitation.  He was two years older than me, and for the first 15 years of my life, I thought he was the coolest person on the planet.  I went along with his schemes, even though they usually ended with a spanking.  He was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, which meant he had no ability to foresee the consequences of his actions.  I still can’t believe some of the things we did as kids.

In our neighborhood, there was only one rule.  You all play together, or you don’t play at all.  In hindsight, I’m thankful for that rule.  I know now that I drove the neighbor kids nuts with my weirdness.  Playing barbies was a big thing, and there were so many accessories that you could add.  While my little sister, Heather, play acted out stories about being married and having babies, I would sort their stuff.  I loved to arrange their shoes and clothing.  I would align them and have a fit if anyone moved something once I placed it neatly.

child1

That’s a neighbor girl, Greta, me, Steve, and a neighbor boy in the photo.  My mom is peeking out the door.  This is before my parents remodeled our house.  I remember the shoes I’m wearing.  When I outgrew them and had to get new ones, I had a meltdown at the shoe store.  I still dream about that sometimes.  It really shook me up.  I called them “my buckle shoes”.  I eventually learned how to avoid becoming attached to shoes.

I need to scan some photos of Heather.  She was so cute.  She died in 2005 from bilateral pulmonary emboli.  She was coming to visit me the next day, which would have been her birthday.  It was shocking, and I found out from her best friend over the phone.  When Steve had his last open heart surgery at the Mayo Clinic in 2001, he never regained consciousness.  I found out from his fiance over the phone.  When my mom died in 2001, after hospice care gave her a lethal dose of morphine to relieve her pain from terminal cancer, my sister, Gayle, called me on the phone and told me.

I hate the telephone.  I don’t care that it’s an unreasonable, displaced response to my losses.  Hate it.  My dad also died in 2005, but I found out in person from his widow.  Losing so much of my family in such a short span of time took a heavy toll on me.  It was a strange toll, though.  When Steve died, it leveled me.  I fell apart immediately and wept for what seemed like a year.  He was my best friend throughout my entire life up to that point.  He stood up for me when kids called me a nigger.  He was my partner in crime. He used to make me laugh so hard I’d throw up.  He was my protector, and my anchor to this world.

When my mom died, she’d been sick for over a year.  When she was first diagnosed with colon cancer, she told me, and then told me not to tell anyone else.  I kept the secret for a year while driving her to her chemo appointments.  I would take her home and do her laundry and clean her house.  It was a secret that weighed heavily on me.  After she had surgery, I was beside her in recovery, and the doctor told me “I can’t cure her”.  I couldn’t process those words.  I seriously wanted to fight him.

He wanted to try more chemo, but my mom refused.  She told her siblings, and mine after that.  They all came and stayed until she passed.  The last time I saw her, she grabbed my arm and told me it hurt so much.  That was it for me.  I wanted hospice to deal with her pain no matter what.  My oldest sister, Gayle, wasn’t ready.  I remember wanting to fight her too.  It was so hard to reason out that she didn’t get to spend the time with her that I had.  That she was my mom’s first born, and knew her way longer than I’d even been alive.

I did understand this, but it didn’t matter to me as much as I needed my mom not to hurt anymore.  I screamed at them to give her the morphine.  Then I left and never went back.  I couldn’t stand to be around anyone who would allow her to suffer a moment longer.  Gayle called me later that day to tell me she’d passed.  I was standing outside in the rain, looking at a butterfly, wondering what it was doing out in the rain.  A part of me deep inside knew my mom was gone.  I can’t explain how.  She was my adopted mom.  There was no blood relation between us.  I just knew.

I didn’t cry.  I just went on existing, even though I couldn’t fathom doing so without a mom.  There were many times that something would happen, and I’d want to talk to my mom about it after she was gone.  She was always the person who knew what was right.  We had some intense moments between us that I have never shared with anyone.  She treated me differently than my other siblings.  More like I was an adult, now that I look back.  She would tell me what she was thinking, even if it wasn’t something you should ever share with a child.

Sometimes I think it was because I was so introverted that she would forget that I could comprehend what she was saying.  Some of the things she told me still haunt me.  Sometimes I’m angry that she told me things that forced me to see her not just as my mom, but as a woman with way too many people depending on her at all times.  The responsibility she carried was immense, and even today is awe inspiring.  Most people would cringe at being a single parent with six teenagers at the same time. Add six severely disabled foster children who often couldn’t even roll over without assistance, and you start to see what I mean.

I always helped my mom as much as I could.  She never forced us to help.  It was very clear to us that it was voluntary.  Of all my siblings, only me, Kevin, and Greta chose to help.  For me, it was a huge privilege to be trusted to hold one of the foster babies.  I spent a great deal of time doing slapstick to entertain them.  I would be so delighted when I could get them to laugh.  Especially when my mom told me that the child had only a brain stem, or was blind or deaf.

Some of the foster kids were children of Vietnam veterans who were exposed to agent orange.  My mom always told me what was wrong, and why if she knew.  I remember all of them.  I loved them.  When my mom brought home a little girl who was blind, deaf, and had severe facial deformities surrounding a cleft palette, my brothers and sisters were nervous.  I remember looking at her very closely, and realizing it was nowhere near as horrific as I had anticipated.

She was without a doubt the most affectionate of all the foster kids my mom cared for.  Her eyes never opened and were sealed with skin, but her right eye had a tiny slit where you could just make out that she had deep blue eyes.  She had bright red hair, and the typical soft, sweet smelling skin of an infant.  My mom told me that she was mentally retarded, but I think that was a misdiagnosis.  When I played with her, she responded like any other baby.  She loved to touch my afro, and could identify me by it.

When I picked her up, she would wrap her arms around me and pat me on the back.  She was blind and deaf, but she was bright and loving.  It was easy to get her to giggle.  I remember being so eager to get home to play with her after school.  I got in my first fist fight with a neighbor boy because he called her ugly.  I think that was the most offensive thing I’d ever encountered at that point.

I run into a few of the kids who fostered with us now as adults.  The native american man who lived with us until he was 10.  He has cerebral palsy.  He plays drums in a heavy metal band now, despite being wheelchair bound.  A native american woman who used to babysit me when I was little, who is mildly retarded.  She always gives me a big hug when I see her.  She’s married now.

Many of them died since then.  Some died in our home.  I wish I didn’t remember that part.  But many of them lived a lot longer than predicted, which was always a victory to my mom.  I think my unique childhood played a big factor in who I am today.

I know there is always more to people than what my eyes show me.  I automatically have a deep respect for mothers.  Unless they’re insane and hurt kids, of course.  I’m an atheist, but don’t disrespect the beliefs of others.  I don’t feel anxious around children, but do around adults I don’t know well.  Everybody dies, and it hurts.  Life goes on, even if you don’t want it to.  If and when your mom dies, you have to take what she showed you, and use it to be your own mother.  Everyone needs a mother, even if you have to be your own.

 

Yes, Please.

I finished a song yesterday.  Today, I finished all my chores.  Tomorrow I’m going to start a new book.  Here is the song:  

I didn’t sleep last night, because I got too engrossed in a book I was reading.  It’s “Yes, Please” by Amy Poehler.  I finished it, and then played with my cat until it was time to feed her.  It was such a good book.  I love that she’s so honest and funny.  I laughed out loud a lot.  I had a huge grin on my face when I finished.  Before I read it, she was one of the hilarious people who made me laugh so hard I drooled a little while watching the Golden Globes last year.

I haven’t watched SNL in ages.  Being in the military really messes up your TV viewing.  For several years, I didn’t watch at all, and then it just wasn’t part of my routine when I got out of the Army.  I eventually started watching Big Bang Theory after people kept asking me if I watched it.  By people, I mean 3 of my former neighbors.  I thought it was odd that they all asked about the same show.  Then I watched it.  And I was like, “oh”.

I assumed it was a science show, not a sitcom.  I love it, though.  Even though a few bitches at the VA told me I was a female Sheldon.  That really pissed me off because it’s not true.  TV isn’t real.  There are similarities with myself and the character of Sheldon, but not enough to imply that my lack of a penis is the only difference.  That’s so rude.

I’m not a physicist.  I didn’t graduate from high school at the age of eleven.  I’m sure there are numerous differences I could name, but the point is made. My favorite character on the show is Raj because I think he’s super cute.  I don’t watch it when it airs.  I buy the season and stream it.  I do this with all the shows I watch.  I’m usually at least a season behind.  Modern Family is another show I like.

Lately, I’ve been watching Parks and Recreation.  I love it.  I’m on season 2 or 3.  It makes me laugh really hard too.  Today I saw the one where Tom accidentally shot Ron, and Leslie took the blame.  When Donna saw that he also shot her Mercedes, she lost it and was weeping like she was at a funeral for her husband. It was hilarious.  I laughed so hard I scared my poor cat.  She took off like a wolf got in.  That made me laugh too, I hate to admit.

I thought about making a video today for the song, but decided against it.  It would have been a video of my cat anyway.  Like the internet needs more cat footage.  So I didn’t bother.  When it cools off, I’ll reconsider.  Right now, it’s too hot and humid to even consider going outside unless there’s a fire.  I’m not going to miss summer.  Come on snow!

Depression Diversion

I slept really well last night.  I went to bed at 7PM, which is ridiculously early for me.  I woke up at 4:45AM because Amelia wouldn’t stop walking on me, and meowing for me to feed her.  After I fed her,  I intended to strip my bed and start laundry, but instead I fell asleep again.

I estimate I got about 9 hours of sleep.  That’s an alltime record for me when not ill.  Usually I average between 4 and 5.  I generally suck at sleeping, even though I practice good sleep hygiene.  I blame it on my brain.  It, much like my cat, would rather play all night.  Sometimes I give in.  I did add a new mattress pad to my bed that was advertised as the same ones used in Marriot hotels.  I have a Tempurpedic mattress, and this is a thickly cushioned pad on top.  The combination was heaven.

I think the new mattress pad kept me from overheating from the memory foam.  I’m hot blooded big time.  Also, my body sucks at regulating my temperature.  I blame a head injury from when I was in the military.  As much as I’d like to say I obtained said injury in the line of duty being a hero, I can’t.  I got it from riding on bumper cars at a company picnic.  My car wouldn’t go, and some asshole hit me from behind at top speed.  I bumped my head against the pole that attaches the car to the roof of the driving area.  I blacked out for a bit, and then asked for a do-over since I missed most of my turn.

Instead, I got a trip to William Beaumont Army Hospital, where I was kept overnight for observation.  All I remember about that night was that my friends brought me some warm flour tortillas from Taco Cabana, and then ate the green jello off my dinner tray.

After I woke up and walked around for a bit, I realized I was feeling down.  The photos of the refugee boy who drowned were still on my mind.  I unfollowed one of my favorite singers (Paloma Faith), on twitter because she posted a graphic photo of him today.  I just can’t take any of that today.  I donated money to UNHCR ( a UN refugee agency), but still feel like it’s not much of an effort to help.  I have to redirect my thoughts away from the travesty for now because I have PTSD, and The Depression Monster would just love to jump on this opportunity to drag me into despair.

So I decided it was time to delve into my anti-depression canister and pull out an activity.  I got:  Create a song on your computer using Logic Pro.  So aside from chores, that’s my activity for the day.  I’m making an upbeat electronic dance track.  I’m working on the bridge now, as I already have the main melody.  I’m taking my inspiration from Justin Timberlake.  Except I won’t be beatboxing on any tracks.  I may create a video for it tomorrow, and then upload it next week.  I’ll think on it.

setupmac

The purpose of the activity is to distract my brain and force it back into happy-go-lucky mode.  It works well.  I have a short attention span, which means it’s also easy for me to redirect my thoughts. Bonus.  But when I am engaged in an activity I like, I can do it until my body or my cat demand I stop.  I’m just weird like that.  It’s a good thing for a code monkey.

Halfway through setting up to create my song, someone knocked on my door.  It was Fedex with 2 packages.  The first was my Bose Soundlink Mini II.  It’s as good as I thought it would be.  The second was another Raspberry Pi.  That’s for another project.  It also had 2 new 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles.  One is one of those  Wasgij puzzles where you don’t get a photo of the finished puzzle.  The other was a cartoon with a gazillion things going on at once.

I do jigsaw puzzles to wind down before I sleep.  I have to avoid any kind of screen for an hour before I lay down, or I won’t sleep.  Then I usually read a while, then sleep.  I’m off to work more on my song.

The Force Friday

I just completed my Star Wars shopping online.  I kept it under $500, which is the amount I allocated for Force Friday.  I got my Sphero BB-8 directly from the source, as it was sold out at thinkgeek.com.  It worked out well anyway, as they have free shipping.

Thinkgeek had a lot of what I wanted, though.  I got an R2D2 Bento box, the R2D2 trash can,  an R2D2 carry-on suitcase, and an R2D2 purse.  Yes.  I like R2D2.  He’s a smartass droid.  What’s not to love?

huil_r2-d2_bento_box r2d2_trashcan 1e45_r2-d2_carrry_on_luggage imlh_r2d2_dome_purse

Thinkgeek irked me, however.  They had a banner on top offering free shipping if you spend over $50.  What it really meant, is free shipping on some of your stuff, but not all.  Even after their alleged free shipping discount, my shipping was still $10.95.  So it was really a coupon for $6 off shipping, which is less appealing.  Therefore, I headed over to retailmenot.com and got a coupon code for $10 off entire order.  Much better.  That additional $4.95 off matters.

After hitting up thinkgeek, I headed over to Massdrop.com.  They had Star Wars: The Force Awakens fabric fat quarters for quilting.  They also have a free pattern to make a quilt, but I didn’t like it.  I’ll design my own Star Wars quilt instead.  Massdrop is not a site for the impatient.  They’re a group buy site, so you have to wait until the end date, then wait for the manufacturer to make, pack, and ship it to them.  Then you have to wait for Massdrop to repackage your items and ship them to you.  Usually it takes a month or 2.

You can save some money this way.  However, many of the people who use the site are really good at finding the items cheaper on another site, and then linking it in the comments.  I’ve done this a few times when the better deal was on Amazon.  I use it sparingly, as I’m not thrilled with the process.  Amazon Prime has spoiled me so much I can barely tolerate other stores.

forca

I love Star Wars.  I watch the original trilogy and the prequels about five times a year.  I can recite the original trilogy verbatim.  I have the soundtrack, which is awesome.  I listen to it when I run and it makes me feel like a powerful hero while I loop around the bike trails adjacent to where I live.  I always know what’s happening in the movies by what song is on.  It’s like watching a movie while I run.  I love it.

Busy Day

It’s been a busy morning.  The class I taught went well, thanks to the students.  I told them about myself, and one of the guys asked me if it would be easier to type than speak.  I said yes, and he set it up so that everything I typed showed on a screen in front of the classroom.  It helped a lot. I do wish I hadn’t opened my twitter in another tab, though.  They were passing around a handout I printed out for them, and I forgot they could see my laptop screen.

I scrolled down my timeline, and clicked on a photo of a new line of computers by Acer.  One is like a stacking Lego desktop.  When I heard people saying it was cool, I realized what I’d done and switched the tab back to Google docs.  They laughed, and I typed that I forgot.  I finished the class, and went to pick up my R2D2 Trapper Keeper.  It’s not as cool as the ones from the 80’s.  It has a snap instead of a velcro closure.  But it’s still cool.

The professor gave me feedback on the game I’m working on.  It wasn’t positive.  He said he didn’t see how it would be helpful to people on the autism spectrum.  He thinks I should scrap it, and do more freelance programming.  I’ll think about it more before I decide.  I hate it when I find out I misinterpreted an idea.  I will probably try again.

I went back to my hotel room after that and checked twitter privately.  Tomorrow I’m going to see my former doctor.  She’s picking me up in the morning.  My sister is going to take me out for dinner later.  I wish I brought my Alienware laptop instead of my macbook pro.  I want to play World of Warcraft.  I just gained the ability to fly in Draenor, and I wanted to exploit this new ability to treasure hunt.

I’ll have to wait until I get home.  I’ll be glad when I’m home again.  I didn’t sleep well without my weighted blanket.  I’m going to watch Ex Machina again.  It’s a fascinating movie, even though the advanced hardware of the avatars is unbelievable after seeing the computer setup in the opening scene.  Nothing in the photo below is remotely futuristic.  I realize it was a low budget film, but it’s like they didn’t even try in that scene.  It scared me the first time I watched it.  Now I know what will happen, so I like it better each time I watch.  Despite this oversight, it’s such a good, thought provoking film.  It would have made an excellent novel.

ex-machina-2015-04

My Shelter Baby

I had an epic migraine today.  It started out as annoying background pain, but later came on at full force.  Even barfing didn’t end it.  I took some Advil and lay down for a while.  It has finally ended for the most part, now that the day is over and night is well underway.

This afternoon was stressful, but informative.  I watched Planet Earth, the version narrated by David Attenborough.  I really get into that particular documentary series.  I deliberately leave when the polar bear is starving and tries desperately to snare a walrus, only to get gored several times and still die from starvation.  It’s so sad.  Even though I had to stop watching Lost because that polar bear scared the shit out of me.

My cat is being extra adorable today.  When I think back to what she looked like when I picked her up from the Humane Society, it’s hard to believe she’s the same cat.  She was being abused by the other cats there, and a woman at the VA who volunteered there told me about her.  They had them all in an open pen and they weren’t letting her eat.  She had been crying so much she had tear stains on her face.  She was so timid and tiny and her fur was coming out.

When I got there, she was curled up in a ball in a corner.  I reached in and picked her up.  She didn’t really respond.  She just lay in my arms.  I put her in the carrier I’d purchased on my way there, and took her home.  I set up her litter, food, and water, and then just pet her and talked to her.  That first night, she slept on my pillow beside me.

She’s bigger now, and her coat is thick and shiny.  The tear stains washed right off and haven’t returned.  She’s also quite demanding, and won’t hesitate to tell me off if I get sidetracked when fetching her a treat.  In other words, she’s normal and delightful.  It’s been 3 years now this very month since she came home.  I love her.

New Shoes

I was delighted to realize my custom Star Wars  Adidas shoes arrived today.  They turned out to be better than I was expecting, and also came with a Star Wars pull string bag.  Now I just need a Star Wars hat, and I will have a complete Star Wars outfit.  I have a black Adidas track suit with a Yoda image on the back of the jacket.  It has neon yellow stripes on the arms.

I’ll wear it when I go see the new movie.  I was hoping to go to the OTA meeting today.  Unfortunately, it sold out before I even heard about it.  It made me realize how out of touch I am with my own community.  I’ve spent so much time on the east coast with my schooling and research that I’m more familiar with that community.  I haven’t done anything to build networks locally since I got my PhD.  I guess because I don’t plan on staying.  I’m moving to Denver in a year, and have done some networking there with others on the autism spectrum.

Aside from the game series I’m working on, I haven’t followed up on any job offers.  I feel kind of bad about this, because I know deep down that the biggest reason is because the very idea of starting a new job with strangers gives me surges of anxiety.  It’s hard to recall that at 17, I entered the Army in a different state, where I knew noone.  I’m sure I was anxious then too, but that was before I had PTSD.  It’s changed me in many ways.  I’m not adventurous and daring anymore.  I realize that being so young played its part in that, but I can still sense that I’m less ambitious.

I try to keep that in perspective.  I’m not less, I’m different.  I’m a new me, and that’s okay.  My experiences changed me just as they do everyone else.  It’s normal.  Blahblahblah.  So, the new me isn’t even considering moving to Japan to start a new career.  I love anime and robotics, but I know how hard it is to move to a different country where you don’t speak the language.  I’m not up for that.  I’m disappointed in myself for not being up for it, though.

But I’ll get over it.  I have a plan, and am putting lots of time into my current projects.  That’s one good thing about being aspie.  I can hyperfocus easily.  I don’t really have an off switch once I get into what I’m doing.  I usually only stop to care for my cat, or to attend to my biological needs when I can no longer ignore them.   I haven’t had my period in a long time.  I can’t remember how long.  I know it’s because I got too focused, and didn’t eat enough for a while.  I’m starting to gain the weight back now, so it’ll probably return to normal eventually.  Not that I miss it.

After that happened, I’ve been doing better with eating.  I just need to try harder with having more variety in my diet.  I think part of the reason I struggle with this, is because I don’t understand why I can’t eat the same things for every meal every day.  I think it should be a good thing.  My frequent kidney stones disagree.  I did add a new fruit, though.  I like mangos now.  So there’s that.  Oh well, I better get back to being a code monkey.