The Depression Monster ambushed me in my sleep. I tried so hard to ignore him, but I couldn’t stop weeping against my will over shit that already happened. It’s a lousy way to wake up. I don’t recommend it. In the hour it took me to awaken fully, he beat me up with logic. I hate that. I can’t argue with logic. He has new weapons that initially shocked me, then left me reeling with their truth.
Now I’m just pissed off the American government doesn’t promote euthanasia. I don’t understand why I haven’t seen a single commercial offering a safe and simple way to put ourselves down like pets. It should cost $19.95, and available at convenience stores open 24/7. I’ve been producing this commercial in my head, (mostly because it’s far less dark than other thoughts running through my mind, and it amuses me.)
I’m going to cut this short because I know it’s too honest. I know in a few days my brain chemistry will likely return to homeostasis, and this will all seem ridic. Even though right now I’m confident this is entirely reasonable, and therefore my usual mindset is mere self-deception. I also know I’ll still be upset I can’t buy a PermaNap kit for $19.95. I’m off to design the packaging with Photoshop and my ninja coping skills.
It’s been a busy week so far. I’ve been silent for a few days, meaning my ability to speak aloud has fled. It happens every so often and to recover my voice I need to force myself to stop freaking out about it. Fortunately, I have a short attention span. It functions as Plan B because eventually, I forget I haven’t said anything in a while, and start singing again. It’s just anxiety.
I don’t know why I’m so anxious lately, but whatever. It’s possible I’m merely over-excited. All my components for my new PC arrived, and I began building it last night. It turns out, the CPU cooler I chose is too big to seat the four RAM chips I bought. Sadly, I installed it before realizing it wasn’t going to work as planned. I tend to function on auto-pilot too often, and this is a consequence. For now, I’ll leave it and only use two chips.
I failed to research this particular component thoroughly enough. Relying on reviews on Amazon and Newegg isn’t as useful as it was in the past. Amazon used to be my favorite e-tailer, but now it’s more like a vast, unorganized garage sale. The search function is a joke as third-party sellers place their items in any category they decide will get the most views, rather than where logic would dictate. Half the time, the things I order are customer returns sold as new products. I despise this practice so much I’m breaking up with Amazon altogether.
I’m finished assembling the PC, and only need to install the OS and drivers. I’ll do it this weekend. I’ve been thinking a great deal about Jesus lately. I was given a different perspective on Christianity recently, and it’s rocked my world. It might be why I’m not talking, now that I think about it. Not enough resources left. 😂 My CBD oil should arrive tomorrow, and I’m hopeful it will lead to sleeping again. I’ve spent my nights this week rereading Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson. I’m finally quiet enough internally to process it as I read, which makes me so happy.
It’s feeding a part of me I don’t know how to identify, but I was so hungry it hurt. It’s also contributing to my thoughtfulness. It’s reminded me of the fact I see all humans as possibly Jesus interacting with me. I remember when I learned I should treat everyone I encounter as if they might be Jesus in disguise. It blew my mind profoundly as a kid. I’ve since recognized the fact many don’t even see me as a human being. I’m somehow less than that to many I’ve interacted with, and while it’s incredibly painful, it doesn’t change how I view others.
Brandon Sanderson writes about this pain in Oathbringer. It’s by no means the focus of the story, but it’s loud and clear. It’s strange, but identifying a source of my inward pain is comforting. When I’m able to understand, it makes healing easier. At the core of my inability to identify as a Christian is my despair over the behavior of (self-proclaimed) Christians. I’ve decided to let go of this distraction. I do know a few who behave as if they believe Jesus is real. I’m thankful to be aware of more than one because one was enough all along. Silly me. 🙃
I’m incredibly relieved to have worked this out. It’s done beautiful things for my joy-noticing ability. I guess I not only had to climb out from beneath that rock, but I also needed to set it down. That last bit is essential. (I’m such a doof for carrying it around for no reason.) 😂 I finally understand why I love people so much, regardless of how they feel about me. I don’t feel like a fool anymore. It’s fascinating to me how much I’ve learned from people I’ve never met this year. Most of them are much younger than me, too.
Now I understand why Stevie Nicks is my fairy godmother. (Although not understanding had no impact on my ability to love her.) I no longer feel weird for adopting Amy Lee as my little sister, even though she doesn’t even know I exist. It’s not necessary. I can still love her and learn from her. Yay. I don’t care that Lily is young enough to be my daughter. She’s a friend and teacher. As are Jade and Keia from Gettin’ Grown. And so what if Lorde (Ella Yelich-O’Connor) is younger than kids I used to babysit. Her music heals me. I understand enough. I now know being silent has more benefits than annoyances, so I won’t bother worrying about my voice returning. I’m off to read about music theory. Peace. 💜
It’s dreary here. It snowed a little, but it will likely melt soon. I discovered the downside of my new sleep medication. It’s the same active ingredient as Benadryl, which means it dehydrates me. Dehydration sucks because I get a sinus headache and feel like shit. I’ve been drinking water with a squirt of lemon juice to help. I’m going to look into hydration additives later to speed things up.
I’m building a workstation computer for music production. I spent more time researching the components than it will take to assemble them, but I’m pleased with my decisions. Forgive me while I geek out for a moment. Here’s a list of the parts:
It should all arrive by Wednesday, although the CPU, case, RAM, and Windows 10 came already. Newegg is ridic fast!
I’m excited to assemble it and plan on using white (combed) cables to pop in the window. I already have a few Samsung EVO 860 512 SSD’s to store all my sounds. When finished, it will probably look like an alien artifact or something. I’ll be sure and post crappy photos. It will run Ableton Live 10 Studio, Fruity Loops Studio Signature Edition, and all my software synthesizers and plugins fabulously.
M. confiscated my existing gaming tower weeks ago. I haven’t gamed on a PC in ages. It’s weird when I recall how much time I used to spend playing MMORPG’s (mainly Warcraft.) I miss it sometimes, but then I pick up a Korg Volca or a Pocket Operator and forget all about it. Synthesizers have ruined me for video games.
It’s a good thing I didn’t know this beforehand, or I wouldn’t have opened that Pandora’s box. Warcraft used to be my primary social outlet. Talking smack to cartoony monsters to fend off anxiety during raids was usually the only time I spoke aloud. I enjoyed that time and will always love Blizzard for creating a world that both frightened and amused me. I’m thankful for all the things I was able to do that didn’t involve violence. Exploring, flying, fishing, farming, and mining are my favorites, but I also liked helping new players learn the ropes.
My guild consists of veterans, autistics, parents of autistics, and people who identify as other than CIS heterosexuals. I’ve met everyone in my guild over the years and will probably always think of them as my A-Team. (Even though they usually refer to us as hella sarcastic misfits.) I spent a lot of time convincing young men of their value to a potential partner, too. I suspect this is a similar experience for many women who play Warcraft. (Yes, dammit. Women play.)
When I first began playing, I was clueless. I got killed and couldn’t figure out how to return to my remains to revive. After wandering around as a spectral image for a while, someone felt sorry for me and helped me learn. I was thankful, but not interested in a relationship, which I suspect was his motivation. He dropped me like a bad habit when I laughed (really hard) at the concept of Warcraft cybersex. By then, I knew enough to join a guild and watch YouTube videos of raids and dungeons. I’m aware people meet their significant other this way, and I’m pleased for their joy, but I just wasn’t into it.
I’m probably a prude, and Prozac certainly didn’t help. I’ve met some incredible people anyway. I haven’t been to a BlizzCon, though. It’s probably not likely unless M. suggests it. I’m more interested in seeing Fleetwood Mac perform. I do like how ComicCon is becoming more accessible for neurodiverse people, though. The quiet rooms to destress are brilliant, and I suspect everyone could benefit from them to some degree. I’m off to beat my drums with sticks.
I slept. (Jumping up and down) I feel like I could run a marathon 10K today. My face hurts from smiling like I just met Stevie Nicks (and didn’t make a fool of myself in the process.) It’s sunny and brisk outside, but I only ran my usual 5-mile route this morning. It felt great, and I was even awake for most of it. Yay. 🙃
M. will be home this weekend. He’s in Denver working on a project to assist homeless people. We’re investing in Denver with a plan to move there in a few years. It’s the first time we’ve pooled our savings toward a future goal, and I’m excited. I forgot I own a building there because it’s an investment that requires none of my time. My former co-workers live and work there, in addition to a few rented commercial spaces. There’s also an occupied unit where I was meant to live when I’m ready to leave South Dakota.
I wasn’t ready when planned, and remaining here has been wise on all counts in the meantime. It has growth potential, but it doesn’t cost me anything to take my time and plan wisely. It’s a source of income that will substantially increase when we’re ready. Despite the (bigoted) suggestions I move elsewhere (so I can be around my kind,) South Dakota has always been my home. I’ve lived all over the world, but my roots have remained. It’ll be a significant transition when I’m ready.
I know I occasionally joke about how much it sucks to live here, but it’s only half-hearted. Sioux Falls is a lovely city. The people are kind and approachable. I’m protective of them because you know I’m Ms. Literal, so when I served in the Army, I was serving my community. With the present political climate, I feel a compelling duty to stay here and remain ready to help the most vulnerable among us. Adopting a new community will be a new concept, but I’ll eventually face it with M. at my side.
Thanks to those who have lent me some strength during the horrible, awful period of insomnia. You made a tremendous difference, and I want you to know your efforts got me through. Taking a chance and offering support on the internet is courageous and I love you for reaching out to me, (not that I didn’t already.) 😂 (I know I’m supposed to withhold this information, but I break rules often, so here we are.) We can pause and look at the ground together. 🙃
I’m so happy to be myself again. I don’t like being cranky and spaced out. When I awoke this morning, Amelia Bedelia was laying on my back. I hope this is a new habit for her as it felt wonderful. She was my weighted blanket after I kicked my usual one off the bed. I’m sleeping hot again, which of course I assume means I’m (thinking I’m) heading into menopause earlyish. I know it’ll probably be a while before it kicks in, but I’ve been blaming shit on it for a while now. Heh.
I get hot in my sleep reasonably consistently lately. I’m going to start cracking the window before I sleep to counteract it because it’s no fun. Yay for spring. There’s barely any snow left. I don’t know why I’m pleased by this as thunderstorms level me. Ah well, it’s not storming now. There’s a new version of Bose QC35’s now, but I’m still researching Sony and Senheisser’s offerings. Beoplay also has an offering in the same price range. I think I’ll spend some bitcoin when I decide because it’s high now. 🤔 I’m off to the studio for drummer training.
p.s. It’s Guillermo Haro’s 105th birthday! (He was the first person from Mexico to be elected to the Royal Astronomical Society.)
I’ve had an exceedingly frustrating day. It’s not over yet as I’m still waiting for a technical issue to be fixed after several hours of back and forth communication. At least I can say I didn’t cry about it. I came dangerously close, but I sucked it up. I’m confident it will be resolved soon.
I’m still dealing with insomnia but I ordered groceries earlier, and they included a non-addicting sleep aid. I’m not hopeful for tonight, though. I figured out what’s going on. It’s my method of coping with life. I force myself not to grieve and agonize over how we humans treat one another during my waking hours.
Unfortunately, when I sleep, the bill comes due. Everything I avoided thinking about plays out horrifically in my dreams. I feel trapped by this strategy, but it’s the only way I can survive. Now I’m going further by drugging myself, so I can sleep. It feels like a chicken-shit option, but so does the alternative.
I honestly don’t know how others can sleep with even more knowledge about fellow humans behaving atrociously. I avoid the news. I can’t watch TV unless it’s a cartoon. The Flintstones and Hey Arnold! are my shows these days. I’m relieved I can at least read novels, although some of them level me in my sleep. I just finished reading The Lords of Discipline by Pat Conroy for the second time. My gut regrets my decision.
My inner asshole has been verbally hazing me for being incapable of coping with reality. I’ve thought about phlebotomizing myself again, but not seriously. It’s not a solution, just a concession that exceptional intelligence is more disability than a gift IMO. (Especially when my avatar is black and female.)
I’m hoping when I’m well rested, I’ll be able to see the positive aspects of my life as they also exist. Exhaustion isn’t the same as depression, but it sucks just as much. Both shine a spotlight on all things negative and exasperating. I’m reduced to my pathetic facts list to help me cope. Things like: At least I’m middle-aged, and no matter what, it’ll all be over soonish. I’m getting a lot of mileage out of that fact.
I feel like Miss Celie telling Sophia not to fret over spousal abuse because life is a temporary condition in The Color Purple. Sigh. I need to decide on a novel to read later. I’ll probably choose something by John Irving or Charles Dickens. For now, I’m off to watch Stevie Nicks on YouTube. She can make me smile even through tears.