“Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn’t mean they’re creating a race of mutant pigmen.”

colorful marbles

I lost my rhythm.  I’ve been silent for a while, processing.  It becomes an all-consuming task when I lose my groove;  (I hate being in this state because it’s so vulnerable.)  It’s like suddenly being thrust back into your five-year-old skillset, while still trying to function as an adult.  I can’t mask my autism or PTSD symptoms from stranger danger when like this.

The universe is reminding me I’m disabled.  It feels like an unnecessary smack-down.  My resulting attitude pretty much determines how long the reminder will last.  Yay (sarcasm).  Fortunately, when I can’t talk, I remember how to listen well.  I pick up on things I likely wouldn’t have, otherwise.  I caught some wisdom while hearing Gettin’ Grown with Jade and Keia podcast, yesterday.

It struck me my relationship with Jade and Keia is fascinating.  I’ve listened to well over 100 hours of their podcast.  Since I don’t participate in social media, I’m not part of the conversation.  My perspective interests me because on virtually all the episodes so far; I think they’ve been nearly exhausted and running on their last spoon when they record, (busy/many jobs.)  DNA molecule

Based on what I learned in the Army, I understand how sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion can combine to remove all social and emotional shields.  I think it results in a very genuine, heartfelt podcast.  It’s as if they stand before their audience naked every week, and it’s why I trust their sincerity.  I don’t need to judge them as they’re not posing.  No ace bullshit detector required.  I like that.  (Especially since mine kind of sucks.)  🙃

I’m delighted by the information and wisdom I acquire by merely listening.  I appreciate the spontaneity and thought language resulting from extemporaneous speaking on the podcast.  (Especially knowing Keia is a scholar used to defaulting to scholarly linguistic rules all day.)  One thing Keia touched on this week was how we tend to reject in others what we dislike within ourselves.

We're all connected

It jumped out at me and said, boo!  I’ve been thinking about it since.  I need to program a delay for some think-time before rejecting anyone for anything in the future.  Then I need to figure out if I’m projecting.  And knowing me, while simultaneously pondering whether or not theoretical psychology (projecting) is bullshit.  Heh.

During this recent processing time, it’s occurred to me I may care too much.  I fear I might be taking life too seriously of late.  As far as I know, I’m stardust with delusions of selfhood.  Most evidence I’ve gathered so far informs me we’re all connected.  I’ve spent my life building on that same model in search of answers to a question I still don’t know how to ask.  I think I’m finally beginning to understand how to hear, though.  (That seems a significant skill to master before asking anything, eh?)  Yay.  I’m off to practice.

“The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment.”


I’m disgusted by the Americans who continue to support treason. Law applies to all or none. If you think you’re safe as houses while this continues, you’re setting yourself up for a horrible surprise. I’m looking forward to seeing Beyoncè perform live next month. After that, I’ll keep looking forward to seeing Fleetwood Mac a few months later. Assuming we’re not all dead or dying from a nuclear tantrum, that is.

I completed NBC (nuclear, biological, and chemical warfare) training while serving in the Army. I know enough to be alarmed by the recent chemical attacks in the UK. I know exactly how to react to such tactics based on this knowledge. Do you? Russia denies everything, per usual, while gleefully celebrating yet another victory against the daft Americans who surrendered their free will to Fox News.

Boris and Natasha

But, hey. At least 45 is white, huh? And he’s a Christian because Fox News said so. A white, allegedly Christian man with lots of money (do you truly know how he got it?) can commit treason, and you’re okay with it because he promised to overturn Roe vs. Wade? And he encourages you to hate loudly and boldly, and you love that shit, don’t you? Just as much as you hate me when I notice and point it out, eh?

There are a thousand clichè’s to describe how history repeats itself. What comes around, goes around, etc. Lay in the bed you made. That one seems fitting on many levels. Much of writing for others to read entails creating a story that uses symbolism to relate wisdom. I mean the underlying tale that’s rearranged, recast and reworded over and over by author after author.

The unspoken motivation for writing in the first place is what I’m referring to here: To cause the reader to feel, think, and experience your creation. To draw on that to which we can relate, then share a perspective. As a voracious reader, I treasure this bond. I love seeing the world through the eyes of another. As a writer, I’m finding myself reluctant to share. I recognize now it involves a slight level of trust.

The state of America affects me in ways I never considered before. I’m saddened by how quickly I’m becoming anti-theist. Presently, the word Christian is meaningless. A transparent shield of lies.  I’m embarrassed by how naive I was.  And disgusted. Wolves in sheep’s clothing don’t seem to understand why I respond like they’re a wolf.  Maybe I should copy.  If I pretend to believe hard enough, perhaps I can be a tree.  We’ll see.

“Well, this is a little awkward, isn’t it?”

awkward dogs

I’m going to borrow a segment from my favorite podcasters, Jade and Keia, of Gettin’ Grown podcast, titled, Honesty Box.  Here we go.  I’m doing this because I know what I’m about to share is generally considered oversharing in society.  I decided life is too short to conform to society’s model of typical.

Oversharing is an invented concept to describe being open in a manner others may find uncomfortable to witness.  If they see it as awkward, it’s likely because they’ve learned it’s the expected reaction.  Oversharing has a negative connotation resembling an insult.  Many seem terrified of being accused of this social crime.  I’m more interested in grokking the status quo of privacy in general, as it appears to be an endangered concept.

I know I’m naked.  I suspect (and hope) others who are highly sensitive to the energies of others have accepted this knowledge by age 40, too.  I don’t use energy worrying what I share online might be socially awkward.  I was born into an energy crisis, literally and figuratively.  Conservation and I go way back.  (Inside joke with disabled people.)

I low-level analyze everything I observe.  I’m convinced it’s a symptom of being human.  I could give a lecture on light and dark colored car trends in the parking lot adjacent to my balcony, for example.  I’ve been studying the patterns since I moved in.  Because I’m alive and I notice.  (No lecture, I promise.) 😂  thumbs up, like

I low-level study trends on my blogs, too.  Such as variations in numbers of likes and comments between topics, writing styles, etc.  It’s mostly a subconscious observation, but I’m aware enough to ponder what I’ll do with the data.  Do I want people to like my posts?  Or, more to the point, what does it mean when someone does?

When I click like on someone’s blog entry, it means more than one thing.  It says I support the author, and read, watched, or viewed the information presented.  It means I like the author.  If you shared the same information in person, I would tell you out loud.  (Even though people react in surprising ways when someone says, “I like you.”)  That’s all.

The embarrassing part is the fact I assume everyone else does it for the same reasons.  I suppose I could require people to agree this is what they mean before clicking in the future, but that seems like a lot of work to stop getting likes altogether.  😂  I feel a surge of joy when someone clicks it on one of my entries.  Sometimes, I do a little dance.

Elon Musk from Wired Magazine

It makes me happy because I see it as a deliberate connection with another human because it’s their will.  You knew I was weird.  🙃  I don’t know of any like-bots running rampant on WordPress, so I know they’re genuine.  I haven’t seen this discussed before so I’m glad we had this talk.  Hopefully, you’ll share your thoughts in the comments.  💜

Tangent:  Elon Musk was trying to be a hero when he sent the mini-submarine to Thailand.  I think accusing him of doing it as a publicity stunt is vile.  (He’s a celebrity.  He can’t do much without publicity, eh?)  Humans were in mortal danger.  Instead of doing nothing and feeling helpless, he did the best he could manage in a short time.  He has resources and wealth to make action possible, and he chose to act.

Elon Musk behaved like Ironman and Batman because it was his will.  He doesn’t get credit for the rescue, but the potential loss of life was reduced to one Navy seal, (much respect.)  He still took extraordinary measures to assist.  He behaved like a hero.  (More like Deadpool after quoted comments, but hero.)  Cheers to Elon Musk, a hero in waiting.

“So you’re denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?”

I spent a little time using an Adobe web app called Spark, this afternoon.  It’s super easy to use (without bothering with the built-in tutorial.)  It helped me express myself with more than words in a short amount of time.  (It also reinforced my desire to continue learning Premiere Pro and After Effects.)  You’d think the message would indicate despair on my part, but nope.

I’m more resolved to endure as long as I can despite the willful ignorance, deception, and destruction surrounding me.   The hurt and betrayal I feel don’t decrease as I process the status quo, though.  I don’t know what to do with these feelings, other than experiencing them.  All the hate and ignorance being spread are motivating me to fight for all who are marginalized.

M and I agreed it’s our duty as citizens to support and protect them to the best of our ability.  We’re focused on the LGBTQIA+ community presently.  We had fun helping out (serving food and cleaning up) during Pride this year, and it felt magnificent to be in the vicinity of so many people celebrating.

Despite what I think is coming, I’m hopeful.  Part of me is amused because it’s probably ridiculous at this point.  I choose to hope because I’m in love with the human race.  People are my favorite fascinations;  Each one a unique universe, capable of incredible good and evil acts.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we figured out how to live and let live in harmony with all that’s alive?

That’s my dream.  I plan to use what remains of my life doing what I can to make it a reality.  I’m going to fight to help bring The Force back into balance by policing my actions so they match my values.  Watching so many preach one thing and do another strengthens my resolve.  Sheryl Crow nailed it with her latest single, titled, I Wouldn’t Want To Be Like You.  The universe shows us, over and over, life finds a way.  I believe.

“That’s the guy who threw George out of the wedding.”

traditional wedding

Today I am so very contrary.  Anxiety keeps pinching my adrenal glands, giggling at the hormonal chaos that ensues.  My mind betrays me further by throwing up too vivid snapshots of moments in the past that triggered this response.  Yeah.  Thanks for reminding me why Anxiety took up permanent residence in the first place.  I’d forgotten.  Not.  (Yep.  I talk like it’s still 1987.)

M asked me if I have an idea of when we should marry.  I didn’t immediately answer.  Instead, I instantly regressed to a 5-year-old mentality, then willed myself to mature back to adulthood.  It was like passing an emotional kidney stone, but I managed.  I’ve been low-level processing this question for months.  I know what I want.  I was afraid it wouldn’t match what M wants.

I used the whiteboard to outline my pros, cons, and an alternate option.  It was a necessary bridge to the discussion that followed.  I feel like I destroyed some of M’s innocence in the process.  He’s never experienced the repercussions of being virtually owned by another entity.  I don’t think it’s something people ponder unless it touches their lives.paper beats rock

I know many others have experienced the potential horror of seeking asylum from an abusive marriage by using 911.  They too see how the attitudes and beliefs of individual law enforcement affect the justice for a perceived possession far more than any laws.  They’ve probably also experienced medical professionals in their face asking why they don’t merely call the police; while glaring with accusing eyes.

I think M understands why paper beats rock, now.  A paper marriage license almost got me killed last time.  Experience outweighs statistics in this instance.  I don’t want to do it again, even if my reasons are (now) irrational.  I’d prefer creating a partnership that doesn’t involve the government.  (Especially one that’s attempting to transition into The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood.)

It disgusts me that in 2018, what is or isn’t between my legs has more influence over my life than any other factor on this planet.  I know when people look at me, they’re automatically assessing my worth based on things for which I have no control.  Many determine how to treat me, and whether I deserve respect or even life itself on the same basis.  I’m an NPC (non-player character) in this vile game of fraudulence and domination.wedding hands

I catch myself thinking about the citizens of Germany during the Holocaust of late.  Visiting the Dachau concentration camp memorial in Bavaria transformed (and broke) me more than any other single event in my life so far.  It’s likely why Anxiety is beating me about the head and neck.  I’m a pattern finder.  It’s no wonder I feel like I can’t catch my breath most of the time, these days.

M told me he wants to be my partner for life, and we can celebrate it however I want.  I responded like a 13-year-old who just found out her crush like-likes her, including the pre-choreographed dance routine and high-pitched squee.  Shutup.  Heh.  I’m relieved it didn’t turn out to be a case of, This is Where I Leave You (funny movie, btw.)  I’m off to work on my vows for our untraditional partnership.  🙃 💜