I’m in Denver and am thrilled I haven’t lost anything so far. It’s probably something to do with wearing my phone and wallet in a small pouch around my neck. I look like a doof, I’m sure. But it’s worth it. I’m hanging out with M’s cousins while he attends a meeting. Then we’re off to discover pinball machines. It’s around 70 F and sunny. Much better than the snow at home.
I have no idea what we had for lunch, but it was delicious. It was Indian food, but I forgot to ask further. I learned as a teen never to decline food from people who invite me into their home. I offended an African (university student) who was braiding my hair and didn’t realize my error until her son told me she cooked explicitly for my appointment. I apologized and ate with them, (but I also cried at the same time, and had post-crying hiccups afterward.)
One perk of being a doof: I learn the shit out of valuable lessons. Sigh. It’s barely a perk. I’m super tired due to being too excited to sleep last night. My mind is doing aerobics, but my body is whining. I watched the beginning of Star Wars: The Last Jedi, when I realized sleep wasn’t happening. Love it so far. Spoiler Alert: I (internally) slammed my foot against the ladder along with the doomed rebel to get that damn remote to fall. I bet every Jedi (dreamer) who saw it did, too. The catch and press scene was brilliant.
Also, I helped General Leia Organa slap Poe for his ruthless priorities. The timing might be a bit off for the humorous quips, though. Or, more likely, I just wasn’t ready to laugh after all that loss. And I have this bizarre need to touch Supreme Leader Snoke’s skin. He’s scarier than Emperor Palpatine. He also appears fragile except when furious. Weird how that increases menace.
I asked M if he thought weed would help me tolerate intensely exciting movies, but he said it would make it much more overwhelming for me. So I’ll be sticking with patiently waiting for the version I can control with a remote. (And tossing it up and catching it while pressing pause, like some rebel in a galaxy far, far away.) ✌🏽
It’s been a busy week so far. I’ve been silent for a few days, meaning my ability to speak aloud has fled. It happens every so often and to recover my voice I need to force myself to stop freaking out about it. Fortunately, I have a short attention span. It functions as Plan B because eventually, I forget I haven’t said anything in a while, and start singing again. It’s just anxiety.
I don’t know why I’m so anxious lately, but whatever. It’s possible I’m merely over-excited. All my components for my new PC arrived, and I began building it last night. It turns out, the CPU cooler I chose is too big to seat the four RAM chips I bought. Sadly, I installed it before realizing it wasn’t going to work as planned. I tend to function on auto-pilot too often, and this is a consequence. For now, I’ll leave it and only use two chips.
I failed to research this particular component thoroughly enough. Relying on reviews on Amazon and Newegg isn’t as useful as it was in the past. Amazon used to be my favorite e-tailer, but now it’s more like a vast, unorganized garage sale. The search function is a joke as third-party sellers place their items in any category they decide will get the most views, rather than where logic would dictate. Half the time, the things I order are customer returns sold as new products. I despise this practice so much I’m breaking up with Amazon altogether.
I’m finished assembling the PC, and only need to install the OS and drivers. I’ll do it this weekend. I’ve been thinking a great deal about Jesus lately. I was given a different perspective on Christianity recently, and it’s rocked my world. It might be why I’m not talking, now that I think about it. Not enough resources left. 😂 My CBD oil should arrive tomorrow, and I’m hopeful it will lead to sleeping again. I’ve spent my nights this week rereading Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson. I’m finally quiet enough internally to process it as I read, which makes me so happy.
It’s feeding a part of me I don’t know how to identify, but I was so hungry it hurt. It’s also contributing to my thoughtfulness. It’s reminded me of the fact I see all humans as possibly Jesus interacting with me. I remember when I learned I should treat everyone I encounter as if they might be Jesus in disguise. It blew my mind profoundly as a kid. I’ve since recognized the fact many don’t even see me as a human being. I’m somehow less than that to many I’ve interacted with, and while it’s incredibly painful, it doesn’t change how I view others.
Brandon Sanderson writes about this pain in Oathbringer. It’s by no means the focus of the story, but it’s loud and clear. It’s strange, but identifying a source of my inward pain is comforting. When I’m able to understand, it makes healing easier. At the core of my inability to identify as a Christian is my despair over the behavior of (self-proclaimed) Christians. I’ve decided to let go of this distraction. I do know a few who behave as if they believe Jesus is real. I’m thankful to be aware of more than one because one was enough all along. Silly me. 🙃
I’m incredibly relieved to have worked this out. It’s done beautiful things for my joy-noticing ability. I guess I not only had to climb out from beneath that rock, but I also needed to set it down. That last bit is essential. (I’m such a doof for carrying it around for no reason.) 😂 I finally understand why I love people so much, regardless of how they feel about me. I don’t feel like a fool anymore. It’s fascinating to me how much I’ve learned from people I’ve never met this year. Most of them are much younger than me, too.
Now I understand why Stevie Nicks is my fairy godmother. (Although not understanding had no impact on my ability to love her.) I no longer feel weird for adopting Amy Lee as my little sister, even though she doesn’t even know I exist. It’s not necessary. I can still love her and learn from her. Yay. I don’t care that Lily is young enough to be my daughter. She’s a friend and teacher. As are Jade and Keia from Gettin’ Grown. And so what if Lorde (Ella Yelich-O’Connor) is younger than kids I used to babysit. Her music heals me. I understand enough. I now know being silent has more benefits than annoyances, so I won’t bother worrying about my voice returning. I’m off to read about music theory. Peace. 💜
I slept. (Jumping up and down) I feel like I could run a marathon 10K today. My face hurts from smiling like I just met Stevie Nicks (and didn’t make a fool of myself in the process.) It’s sunny and brisk outside, but I only ran my usual 5-mile route this morning. It felt great, and I was even awake for most of it. Yay. 🙃
M. will be home this weekend. He’s in Denver working on a project to assist homeless people. We’re investing in Denver with a plan to move there in a few years. It’s the first time we’ve pooled our savings toward a future goal, and I’m excited. I forgot I own a building there because it’s an investment that requires none of my time. My former co-workers live and work there, in addition to a few rented commercial spaces. There’s also an occupied unit where I was meant to live when I’m ready to leave South Dakota.
I wasn’t ready when planned, and remaining here has been wise on all counts in the meantime. It has growth potential, but it doesn’t cost me anything to take my time and plan wisely. It’s a source of income that will substantially increase when we’re ready. Despite the (bigoted) suggestions I move elsewhere (so I can be around my kind,) South Dakota has always been my home. I’ve lived all over the world, but my roots have remained. It’ll be a significant transition when I’m ready.
I know I occasionally joke about how much it sucks to live here, but it’s only half-hearted. Sioux Falls is a lovely city. The people are kind and approachable. I’m protective of them because you know I’m Ms. Literal, so when I served in the Army, I was serving my community. With the present political climate, I feel a compelling duty to stay here and remain ready to help the most vulnerable among us. Adopting a new community will be a new concept, but I’ll eventually face it with M. at my side.
Thanks to those who have lent me some strength during the horrible, awful period of insomnia. You made a tremendous difference, and I want you to know your efforts got me through. Taking a chance and offering support on the internet is courageous and I love you for reaching out to me, (not that I didn’t already.) 😂 (I know I’m supposed to withhold this information, but I break rules often, so here we are.) We can pause and look at the ground together. 🙃
I’m so happy to be myself again. I don’t like being cranky and spaced out. When I awoke this morning, Amelia Bedelia was laying on my back. I hope this is a new habit for her as it felt wonderful. She was my weighted blanket after I kicked my usual one off the bed. I’m sleeping hot again, which of course I assume means I’m (thinking I’m) heading into menopause earlyish. I know it’ll probably be a while before it kicks in, but I’ve been blaming shit on it for a while now. Heh.
I get hot in my sleep reasonably consistently lately. I’m going to start cracking the window before I sleep to counteract it because it’s no fun. Yay for spring. There’s barely any snow left. I don’t know why I’m pleased by this as thunderstorms level me. Ah well, it’s not storming now. There’s a new version of Bose QC35’s now, but I’m still researching Sony and Senheisser’s offerings. Beoplay also has an offering in the same price range. I think I’ll spend some bitcoin when I decide because it’s high now. 🤔 I’m off to the studio for drummer training.
p.s. It’s Guillermo Haro’s 105th birthday! (He was the first person from Mexico to be elected to the Royal Astronomical Society.)
Insomnia is kicking my ass. I’m seriously considering sleeping medication at this point. I’m too tired to care. The long pauses to stare off into space for no reason are annoying. I’m not going to the studio today because driving is presently beyond my attention span. You’re welcome, everyone driving in Sioux Falls.
I was planning to overclock my old PC tower today. It’s not happening. It would end in tears. Adobe recently announced they’re raising prices for Creative Cloud. When my subscription expires, I’m not renewing. Apparently whoever is in charge of these things has been smoking crack or something. $1200 a year when I honestly only use Photoshop and Illustrator is ridic. I already purchased Affinity Designer and Photo to replace them. $100 forever.
I’ll get Final Cut Pro when I’m ready to move up in video editing. I’ll add Motion, too. $350 forever. Better yet, I vastly prefer these apps as they load quickly, have a lower learning curve, can use Photoshop plugins, and no monthly fee. DIAFF, Adobe. I’ve been rebranding my favorite jeans by ironing patches on the back pocket and unstitching the branding. Now my black Levi’s say Black Girl Magic instead. I also used an R2-D2, and a Colin Kaepernick. Etsy rules.
I’m thinking about getting some ribbon to sew on the legs like an Adidas stripe, too. (Assuming I sleep soon so I can operate heavy machinery again.) I should probably get something besides sneakers, but the only other footwear I like are combat boots. I think I’m beyond the age where I care about how others feel about my attire. It’s a startling development compared to how I felt about it in high school.
When I was a teenager, having to wear the same outfit to school twice in a row was the most severe punishment my parents enforced. It was worse than having my bedroom door removed for slamming it in anger. It sucked being their 9th teenager. I used to get told off for things I was only thinking about doing.
Now (in my 40’s) I create my own uniform and am steadily moving toward an all-black wardrobe. I feel good when I’m wearing black jeans, a black top and my black Nike Air Force 1’s. Especially if the black shirt has someone fabulous on it. Like Stevie Nicks, or Huey Freeman from The Boondocks. I should look for some Black Panther patches and shirts. Wakanda Forever!
I’m off to search for some combat boots and Black Panther everything. Did I mention I love Etsy? 🙃
I passed the kidney stone early this morning. I’ve been dancing and singing ever since. I forgot about the post-kidney stone euphoria. It’s fabulous, even though I’m so tired I could cry. I know I’ll be sleeping well tonight. Imagine me with a massive grin on my face and a spring in my step.
Thanks to everyone who made thoughtful comments and provided suggestions. (I feel like I should have a statue to go with this speech or something.) I’m loopy, and I like it. I made another video, but I promise it doesn’t suck as hard as the first one did. The accompanying music is two short songs I created. The first was my initial GarageBand effort. The other was the last time I used GB before switching to Logic Pro X, more recently.
I used stock video footage to make it. I don’t think I’m ready to move up from iMovie yet. (Shup, I’m learning.) 😂 I have Adobe Creative Cloud, so I’m trying to build my skill level to where I can transition to Premiere Pro and After Effects. (Because I’m paying for them even if I don’t use them, and I’m probably cheap.) I did install them, but the amount of time required to open PP exceeded my patience. Remember when 16GB of RAM was terrific? Sigh.
I refuse to build a video editing rig. Look, Adobe. Put that shit in the cloud on professional editing rigs with uber RAM and video RAM. I want to log into an editing rig with my laptop and edit 4k video on it, then publish it to YouTube (or whatever.) Call Nvidia and AMD and make that shit happen, because I’m not building or buying a $10,000 desktop computer just to run your unbelievably bloated software.
Nvidia already lets me do this with video games, so I don’t have to build any more gaming rigs. Get with the program or go obsolete. In fact, make it work on my phone. I speak on behalf of the 99% (who didn’t game the economy to compensate for a teeny, tiny penis.) And without further ado, my second video.