“I didn’t think you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.”

person giving side eye

I’m on the fence about continuing to blog with WordPress.  I’m not happy with the changes they’ve made to their service.  The overall vibe is greed.  Gross.  (I reserve my loyalty for corporations that are playing the long game. Thanks, Jeff Bezos, aka Ironman IRL.)  I messed up flexed one of my features, and now my ability to focus is AWOL.  Whoops.

I started brainstorming a new project with a small group and got too excited.  It’s been two days, and if anything, it’s increasing.  Sigh.  I forgot where I left my focus controller.  Welp.  I bet I sleep well tonight, at least.  I’m burning through energy like it’s an open bag of Hi-Chews.  (My need to maintain effective spoon conservation is crying in the corner.)

person flexing balance

On top of that, I sat wrong again.  Now my left foot won’t obey commands.  It’s hella numb halfway up my shin, and I keep getting a charlie horse in my arch.  Good times.  It’s gradually self-correcting, but the slowness is astonishing.  M brought me some compression socks (and said some medical stuff that floated by.)  I remembered to thank him in real time.  Yay.

All of this is related in that it’s happening while I’m present in my body, which is a new skill.  Alison 3.0 would have fled inward at the slightest hint of body betrayal.  (Blushing, because I just glimpsed my own awesome.)  Leveling up is laden with new growth opportunities.  I understand now.  The universe had to teach me how to recognize them before they started showing up all over the place.  (I used to mistake them for overwhelming obstacles.)

person with camera

The good part of being unfocused is I think differently.  It often results in new insights.  My whiteboards are covered in notes whenever this happens.  (My foot is still janky.  My hi-hat foot!)  I’m multitasking with healing now, too.  Multitasking used to set off meltdown alarms.  Well look at that;  Anxiety is my bitch, now.  Hah!  I’m going to celebrate hard because I know this means the next step is reclaiming all the shit I’ve been avoiding over it, and it’s a lot, (she said while internally reciting fear is the mind killer.)

I compared notes with some of my autistic besties (my new favorite game,) and discovered we sleep with arms in the praying mantis position.  It wreaks havoc on our arms and shoulders when we awaken numb.  Those with EDS pay far more for the habit.  (I don’t have EDS, which is likely why I think this common thing we have is fascinating.)  I’d better go and drag my foot around until it wakes up and stops playing too much.  💜✌🏽

“I choose not to run.”

Here be dragons

Warning:  There will be spoilers.

 

We’ve almost made it to the end of Game of Thrones.  What a journey!  I was exhausted, emotionally wrecked, and drenched in sweat after viewing the latest episode.  While spending 90+ minutes completely immersed in the horrors of war,  I forgot I was watching a TV show.

I was Arya Stark, chased through a city being systematically destroyed by dragon fire.  I almost died a thousand times, but it was nothing compared to witnessing the horrific deaths of so many around me.  I learned vengeance is indistinguishable from tyranny.

Sandor, thank you.  -Arya Stark

masks

I was Cersei Lannister, watching the world end to the beat of my unraveling denial.  As my defenses crumbled around me, the fear overwhelmed me, making my heart shake.  I died in the arms of the only person who truly understood me; loved me.  Finally, free of the terror that’s owned me since my mother was taken from me.

Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls.  -Cersei Lannister

I was Sandor Clegane, confronting what remained of the man who failed me as a brother.  Blow after blow of hate-fueled rage, honed over a lifetime, against a mountain of evil.  My only remaining purpose to remove this towering hunk of rotting flesh from the world.  Convinced it’s all I ever wanted, I succeed and we both burn.  Victory is mine.

Do it.  Do it!  Just do it!  -Sandor Clegane/The Hound

I was Daenerys Targaryen, alone, distraught, and betrayed.  I wept as I lay waste to King’s Landing.  I felt everything and nothing at the same time.  I burned away the disease so healthy life can grow and thrive in the future.  If I can’t have their love, I’ll take their fear.

I am not your little princess.  I am Daenerys Stormborn of the blood of old Valyria and I will take what is mine, with fire and blood I will take it.  -Daenerys Targaryen

light dancing

When the episode ended, I couldn’t move.  I just sat there, stunned.  (Then I laughed at myself for confusing SD winter with a cessation of hot flashes.  Probably where most of the sweating came from.)  I had to sleep on it, then think about it for a while before I could process what happened.  I’m sure I’ll continue long after the series ends.

I’ve learned a great deal about human nature watching the series.  We’re all in the story in some aspect or form.  It has been fascinating to slowly gain enough information about each character until I could understand them well enough to see the world through their eyes (to a point.)

The emotional rollercoaster of triggers and disturbing scenes were a small price to pay for the many gifts of wisdom.  We tend to behave in accordance with our perception of the world.  Therein lies the value in understanding others’ viewpoints.  Without it, people are indistinguishable from monsters.

Do you lie awake at night fearing my gash? – Lord Varys

✌🏽💜

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

umbrella ella ella eh eh eh

I’m thinking about my mom a lot, of late.  The upcoming holiday adverts have likely penetrated my thoughts.  I have so many memories of my mom.  A part of her exists in my head now.  Often, I hear her comments in my mind.

I have what I refer to as the Greatest Hits collection.  It includes things she would often say, such as, “I’m the mom; you’re the child.”  (I’m a wee bit embarrassed by how much convincing I needed on that point.)  I accepted I wasn’t in charge, eventually, but never that I was a child.  Fortunately, the temporary nature made it moot.  🙃

I remember the horrible, awful way it felt when I first realized my mom was human, and therefore, imperfect.  (Cut to me at age six, on the phone with 911, reporting my mom for lying.)  It felt like being yanked up and back at high speed with no warning by an invisible force; resulting in utter disorientation in the universe.  The same way it felt when she died.

mother

It wasn’t the first time I lost a loved one.  I was still reeling from the loss of my brother, a year prior.  I honestly didn’t know it was possible to continue existing after losing my mom.  How the hell could I walk when there was no longer a ground?

There’s no way to prepare in advance for the loss of a parent.  When it happens, you fall apart.  Part of the foundation of your existence is gone.  You have to figure out how to rebuild it from within.  It sucks.  It’s hard.  All I know is it helps to become your parent (to yourself,) taking over the role your parent once fulfilled.

I usually know what my mom would say or do in a situation.  She’s still an influential guide in my life.  I now have a reinforced foundation built of the many things my mom taught me when she was here.  It also consists of applied lessons gifted from others who helped shape who I’ve become.

Happy Mothers Day

I’m grateful I had her as long as I did.  It’s funny how I used to resent her for knowing me better than I knew myself.  I thought it was the peak of audacity when I was a teenager.  😂 I can still remember the sound of my mom laughing hard.  It’s one of my best treasures.  I’m off to read ✌🏽💜

“I feel it would be best if you didn’t talk to Noreen for a while.”

Photo by namo deet from Pexels

I love Sophie Turner.  I read a rumor she was told to lose weight at some point while filming Game of Thrones.  Sansa Stark.  It fails the logic test, miserably, but who knows.  When people are traumatized, depressed, and overwhelmed, they tend to either lose their appetite or gain an insatiable need to self-comfort by overeating.  (There’s very little believable middle ground for TV, but either way works.)

I believe HBO decided Sansa Stark would lose her appetite, based on my wondering if I could encircle Sansa’s waist (fingers touching) with just my hands, after mentally compensating for the ten pounds added by cameras.  I guess what I’m trying to say, is if the rumor is true, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the junk of anyone who suggested Sophie Turner needed to lose weight during filming.  And bacne.  Because no. That is all.

The latest episode of Game of Thrones had me so enthralled; my nose was practically touching the screen from trying to take in every detail. I didn’t notice a Starbuck’s cup, and I usually catch such things. (I think it’s a hoax.)  People trust social media way too much.  (It’s no wonder my literal ass couldn’t hang.)  Frankly, we don’t need this petty bullshit in a world where so-called leaders are above the law in an alleged democracy.  It’s half-past play-too-much o’clock, dig?  🙃

blue flame

Spoiler alert:

If you get only one word to express how much you want your best friend to melt your enemy’s lair with them inside, now you know it:  Dracarys, (said with bitch implied.) If you’re interested in telling a fantastic story on TV, and you want to nail it on levels that don’t even exist yet, put Game of Thrones on top of your list of creations to study.  It’s that good.  I’m so proud of the people involved.

The episode has me thinking about grief in general.  We should teach grieving to children.  Losing something or someone dearly loved, and figuring out how to go on living afterward, is a skill.  I’ve never met an adult who wasn’t grieving a loss of some sort.  It seems an inescapable part of life.  I think it would be better to have a clear understanding of the process in place, and a rote reaction to cuddle when devastated.  The whole not knowing what to do or say around loss is tired, eh?

I created a new category for humans (in my head.)  Padawans are now people who believe in a higher power and are practicing and living their values and beliefs.  When they accidentally step on you or your boundaries, you know you can bring it to their attention, and they’ll make the correction, usually graciously and apologetically.  You can trust they’re striving to be their best self.  So now there are padawans, people who are generally reasonable about sharing a planet with 7 billion+ other people, and assholes.  Guess which ones I like?  🤣 I’m off to entertain some cows with my violin.   ✌🏽💜

p.s. Cersei Lannister would make Darth Vader curl up in the fetal position and cry for his mommy.

“Every two minutes, ‘Who ate the top of my muffin?!'”

romantic road

I depleted my recent candy acquisition.  I see a mouth full of cadaver donations in my future.  I hope lots of people who avoided sweets all their lives choose to donate their teeth when they die.  (Thanks in advance.  😁)  More candy arrives tomorrow.  Heh.  I have to admit to a fascination with having dead peoples teeth in my mouth.  It’s a Stephen King novel waiting to happen, yo.  Imagine what Jordan Peele would do with it.  I may even take a stab at it.

I believe the above paragraph qualifies as a warning against reading further.  I’m having a cognitive kaleidoscope kind of day.  I would elaborate, but it’s presently beyond me.  It involves thought loops that spontaneously capture my attention.  After the first few rounds, I start playing with it.  It’s mental jazz or something.  I’m not really into it, but I can hang.  (This paragraph counts as an example.)

I know why this is happening; it’s a fragmented focus.  The Depression Monster has been low-level messing with me for a long time, and I’ve been ignoring it.  Sometimes it feels like walking across a minefield.  At any moment, I could buckle under a mountain of despair atop me out of nowhere.  An interruption to my ability to do more than exist while questioning why.  Thinking about it seems dangerous, so I don’t.

there are no rules

Instead, I double down on known counteractants.  Exercise and laughter are most potent in my experience.  Both are difficult to attempt when depressed.  They’re the last things you feel like doing.  But they help, so I usually manage.  It’s brutal because the necessary effort is always astonishing.  I can’t even bitch about it, because I know I’m more skilled at living with chronic depression than in the past.

I have a deep sadness about the state of humanity on my back, as well.  I feel horrible over the massacre in New Zealand because the atrocity was deliberately committed by a fellow human, resulting in the loss of fifty of us. We are less now.  I hate reminders of our collective insanity.  I don’t like thinking about impending self-destruction on a species level.  I’m too literal for this game.

I sighed when I read Aunt Becky was supposedly arrogant when appearing in court recently.  It would have been weird if she wasn’t.  We all know she knows she’s merely the one who got caught doing what we all know is so common it’s a freaking tradition among the privileged.  Character stopped counting in America at a point I’m unable to pinpoint.  Perhaps it never really mattered.  I still believe Mr. Rogers knew what he was talking about, though.  (Despite all the evidence supporting Dr. Ford’s theory of the human intellect being like peacock feathers on Westworld.)  And on that cheery note, I’m off to read.  ✌🏽💜