“I would be friends with Stalin if he had a ping pong table.”

Welp.  I’m in a dark place mentally.  Surprisingly, I confided in M., (probably because he’s my fiance now, and I’m starting to comprehend it.)  I showed him the articles from mainstream media sources demonstrating the police have been told to shoot blacks on sight.  It sounds unbelievable, but do a search, and you’ll find articles about a cop who held a black man at gunpoint for 9 minutes because he was black.

The black man handled the situation like a rock star.  He remained calm (on the outside) while asking the cop why he was escalating the situation by pointing his gun at the passenger of a car driven by a white male on a standard traffic stop.  The only thing this man did was ride in a car while being black.  The cop spent 9 minutes debating whether or not this non-offense justified murdering him.  I happen to know there’s more than one article, (because I’m black, and even I couldn’t fucking believe it without corroborating evidence.)

That’s enough for me to recognize cops have been told to shoot blacks on sight.  But there’s more.  Sigh.  A cop recently assured a white woman she could calm down and stop panicking because they only kill black people.  I shit you not.  Look it up.  So, yeah.  Cops have been told to kill black people on sight.  Needless to say, it’s led me to make some adjustments.  I think this is at the core of what’s triggered me.  I’m a black woman.  When I hear sirens, it’s not only rational but wise to prepare myself for impending murder.

I guess it doesn’t qualify to be called a trigger because my reaction is spot on.  It’s an early warning system.  I feel better about it, now.  I know in Sioux Falls, the police haven’t murdered any black people for being black in the recent past, (my lifetime.)  It’s good to know, but I also know Jeff Sessions hadn’t given them the green light to become consequence-free murderers at that point.   I nearly hate that lying, Elmer Fudd-looking fuckwad.  (Not enough to acknowledge his existence very often, fortunately.)

So in light of recent revelations, I’m preparing to walk away from my life.  Well…  Hopefully drive away, but walking is still an option.  I have a particular destination.  I’m going off the grid.  I’m unplugging myself from society because I don’t want to be murdered for the pigmentation level of my skin.  (What a fucked up reason to die.)  I can’t say I did nazi this coming.  I predicted 45 would insist on being the king, and do away with elections altogether back when Deez Nutz was the leading Republican candidate.  (I was half kidding.)

Naturally, I’m extremely pissed off.  While I’m mildly excited and see it as an adventure where I get to use the skills I learned in the Army, I’m angry I have to share this planet with hateful murderers who are willfully ignorant, and barely qualify as homo sapiens.  As I’ve stated in the past, I consider troglodytes expendable.  So much so, I’ll be carrying an M-16 A2 and two modified 80-round cartridges at all times in my new home, (just like the good old days.)  🙄

I’m pissed I had to buy a fucking weapon and ammunition while a citizen in good standing in an allegedly first world country.  This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  I pay taxes so I can let the police and military deal with weapons.  I’m a civilian.  This is bullshit.  But I’m not going to die easily over bullshit.  I’m going to take out as many Nazis as I can, and I can hit anything within… I’ll keep that to myself.  Suffice to say, for someone who hates violence and primitive behavior, I’m lethal as fuck.  I know.  It’s weird.  (I was surprised by this, too.  And a lot uncomfortable.)

I have incredible faith in my training and a decade of practice.  There will be fewer Nazis when I go out.  You’re welcome.  I’m livid because I’m about to go on permanent guard duty because the GOP put a known criminal in the highest office (again, and several other governmental positions to boot.)  It was a deliberate act of evil based on greed and hatred.  Fuck the GOP.  It’s the KKK in different uniforms.  They don’t even deny it.

I knew I was a short-timer.  My body has been insisting I’m ending soon for months now.  I usually joke about it, because I’m still trying to adjust to evil being interchangeable with Christian conservative.  I did nazi that coming.  (It will never get old for me, sorry.)  I totally fell for Christianity.  I blame my forced indoctrination, (but who’s counting.)  I think I wavered so long because I know people who genuinely believe, and live like real Christians.  I love the shit out of them for it.  (It’s an excellent argument for belief.)

Unfortunately, the vast majority are fakes only interested in the status, not the lifestyle.  It’s a constant, loud, belligerent rebuttal.  Plus, Joel Osteen and his ilk.  (Holy shit!)  Most atheists were indoctrinated Christians at some point.  Ex-Catholics make up a huge portion.  Getting raped by your spiritual leader does it every single time.  Statistically, it’s ridiculous, and it makes me sad.

I wanted to be a Christian.  I live like a Christian, but I don’t believe.  (I just think Jesus’ word in the Holy Bible is a wise doctrine regarding how to avoid being an asshole on a crowded planet, sometimes.)  Plus, a lot of our laws are clearly based on it, so it’s a convenient way to avoid becoming a slave in a for-profit prison.

For those who just thought to themselves, “She doesn’t act like a Christian because she drops f-bombs like there’s a prize”:  Fuck you.  Fuck is a great word.  It’s not taking an imaginary entities name in vain, (which I don’t do out of respect for those who believe.)  It’s the only curse I refuse to use.  Welp… I won’t use the C-word either.  Ew.  I’m fortunate because my fiance insists on going with me.  I have to admit, my heart melted into a puddle of love when he informed me.

If I weren’t black, I wouldn’t be doing this with a weapon.  I’d still be going off the grid, but while maintaining a presence in society, and communication with relatives.  The richest force behind this coup is Putin’s desire to be the oil god of earth.  He’s not going to do it with my assistance, thankyouverymuch.  Hence, fuck the grid.  Solar will suffice until I finish designing me-powered gadgets.  Finally, my incessant pacing while stressed will pay off, when I hack my new hallway with piezoelectric transducers.  It will take time to get set up, so I’ll post updates that aren’t too risky.  (I don’t think many read my blog, so I’m not overly concerned.)

So that’s how my day has been.  Fucking yay.  I’m off to beat my drums like an angry black woman.


That doesn’t work, we’ll give ’em Kramer!

Fucking Nazi’s.  Since writing my open letter to the tiki torch-carrying losers, more information about their actions has been revealed through photos and video footage.  And of course, the murder of Heather Heyer.  I can’t pretend to be as shocked as most seem.  The overwhelming ignorance of oppression in America is like forcing the oppressed to smoke two packs of non-filtered cigarettes a day.  We can barely fucking breathe, and people think we experience the same lives they do.  Most non-oppressed people have no fucking idea what we go through.  They’ve seen some videos now, and are starting to believe we struggle, but they STILL don’t get it yet.

They have little frame of reference because they think watching Roots brought them up to speed.  They believe now overt slavery is banned, we’re all living equally ever after.  They think Obama succeeds because of Affirmative Action, rather than sheer will, hard work, and drive most can’t even comprehend. They hate him because his existence reminds them how pathetic they are in comparison.  He achieved something incredible, and instead of motivating them to work harder, it enraged those who don’t even dare try out of fear of having their darkest fear proven correct.  They’re terrified of looking at themselves, because they know there’s nothing great to see.  The utter lack of effort they’ve put into building themselves up destroyed any self-esteem they managed to develop.  They surrendered before even trying because it was easier.

How many of you know someone branded by racist pricks?  I served with someone who bore this scar (while honorably serving the nation that enabled his torture.)  They used the same tools they use to torture livestock.  He escaped before the lynching.  This happened in the 70’s in America before the internet made it easier to expose racist evil.  When I saw his melted, scarred tissue, he quickly covered it and refused to speak of what happened.

I found out when he got drunk one night and sat up telling me his history.  I lost a lot of ignorance and innocence that night.  He was detained by racist fuckwads after school for a beat down, and was injured, (2 broken ribs from being repeatedly kicked while down.)  It made him miss his bus, and he had to walk home alone.  He was ambushed, beaten further, and branded, in preparation for a fucking LYNCHING.

They tried to horrifically murder him for walking down the street with brown skin.  He was a 9-year-old child.  It made me vomit.  My childhood was heaven in comparison.  (The difference being location, location, location.)  My family settled in an area that isn’t dominated by hate, bitterness, ignorance, and fear.  In the south, they celebrate this type of behavior.  Think about that.  This is only one horror story.  There are far, far more.  This one didn’t end in murder, but he’ll bear the scars for life.  I decided that night I’d never visit the Hate States.  I would never willingly go there, knowing evil murderers walk free as a matter of course.

Not everyone in the south has committed such atrocities.  However, everyone in the south lives among these demons.  They’re your neighbors.  You might not be aware of their evil activities.  Our fucking AG (attorney general) is a racist prick who lied under oath and colluded with the enemy to gain his ironic post.  Jeff Sessions is what a demon looks like.  (He’s an angel compared to Mike Pence.)  I wonder how many children he’s tortured and murdered.  I hope he dies in a fire.  I hope all who pose as humans while behaving as demons are annihilated.  They’re enemies of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  They’re traitors to our beloved nation.  Every time they inhale, it’s a tragedy.

Nazi’s need to crawl under a rock and stay hidden until they die as miserably as they lived.  I don’t differentiate between the groups, with all their various disguises.  They’re all one group.  Enemy.  Evangelicals, white supremacists, the GOP, neo-Nazi’s, and whatever other names they’re hiding behind.  All expendable pieces of shit holding America back from achieving further greatness.  All hateful and evil.  All bent on ethnically cleansing the United States of America until all that remains are the privileged:  Those with white skin.

Only, it won’t stop there.  The only way vile pseudo-humans can feel okay about themselves is to belittle and oppress others while falsely inflating their single qualifying attribute, (like 45.)  It’s incredibly weak and evil.  Spoiler alert:  Once the brown people are gone, they’ll turn and come after you.  Do you have brown eyes?  Brown hair?  Freckles?  Maybe that means you’re not actually white.  They don’t use science to make these determinations, so it’s only a matter of time.

And all this evil is made possible by people who only stand up for what they think affects them directly.

It’s the American way.  Nazi’s are exterminating people in vast numbers in concentration camps?  Do we come storming to the rescue?  Fuck no.  We wait until a Divine Wind awakens the Sleeping (self-interested) Giant before we decide this is UNACCEPTABLE FUCKING behavior.  Still, think America is number one?  The world police?  Think again.  America is a fickle bitch who only helps when it’s profitable.  We value money over human life as a nation.  By a long fucking shot, too.  If you come between the rich and their god (money,) some of them will kill you for it.  Not with their own hands, mind you.  They’ll hire someone to do it on their behalf so they can continue pretending their elite.  Koch brothers?  Fucking evil pricks bent on killing the planet to get RICHER THAN THEY ALREADY FUCKING ARE NOW.  They’re enemies of life.  Die. in. a. fucking. fire. Koch. demons.

The only rich people who don’t deserve to perish in a fire are the ones who earned their wealth through success, not through conquest and loopholes.  Most are only rich because of inheritance, fraud, and theft.  They cheated.  They didn’t spend years training themselves to excel as an artist, scholar, inventor, etc.  They haven’t achieved anything.  They got their status for being born.  They got it by a fucking loophole.  They’re pampered and privileged and live in bubbles of unreality.  They don’t live in the real world and aren’t subject to real consequences or strife because their $god protects them.  From everything, including murder.

The sickest part is these loophole lottery winners rarely contribute to humanity in any way.  They don’t create.  They consume disproportionate resources.  They pollute more with their private jets and multiple McMansions.  They usually live and die unnoticed, having done nothing of note.  Most of them aren’t even happy in their perfect lives because they can’t trust anyone to love them sincerely.  Here’s a hint:  It’s because you bypassed the type of life that leads to good character.  You were too busy being pampered and elitist to deign to even speak to someone who isn’t worth a billion dollars, so you don’t know anyone who isn’t a human decoration with no purpose but to consume and look cute while doing it.  Sad!

It pisses me off because it’s such a waste.  What if  Einstein had a father like 45, and was rewarded for existing?  What if his potential was smothered with excess and sycophancy?  Those who put forth nothing and gain everything are a waste of oxygen, a bad example to those more impressionable than reasonable, and a drain on our planet’s resources with zero returns.  If a leech attaches to your body, you pull it off and shudder in disgust.  Why aren’t we doing the same with the parasites draining the lifeblood out of America?  I don’t understand why we continue jumping off the cliff like fucking lemmings.  The only way I can conjure an explanation is to accept the planet is rejecting homo sapiens as a species.

It would explain why we aid in our own murders.  Why we venerate our killers rather than annihilating them.  We as a nation are fucking pathetic because we usually don’t give a fuck until it hurts.  Short-sightedness, ignorance, and evil are steering humanity toward utter destruction.  We’re failing at survival because a few fuckwads want more wealth than they’ve already stolen.  It’s never enough because it doesn’t fill the void where their souls should be.  Instead of recognizing this, they just keep taking more.  Allowing them to continue is America’s shame and pending destruction.

If there is consciousness after death, and I highly doubt it, we’ll just use it to lament our pathetic failure to survive.  It’s easier to give up, surrender, look away, walk away, and pretend it’ll all go away if we do nothing.  We’re dying as a species because life took too much effort for some people to bother even trying to live honorably.  I’m starting to think it might be for the best.  When I see Nazi’s brutalizing citizens while openly brandishing weapons so powerful the police take cover, I think maybe homo sapiens is a virus, and the planet would be better off without us.

My protective nature is beginning to recognize the planet is more worthy of saving than we who are destroying it.  I’m starting to think I’ve wasted my life loving humans more than trees and seas.  I’m finding it harder to recognize our potential as a species because it’s buried under so much hate it can only be seen with faith.  Why?  Because a few are unbelievably evil, and for some reason, we don’t kill them for it.  We let them lay waste unmolested and pretend we couldn’t prevent it.  We all lose if we don’t stop them.  Our extinction event is set to be self-destruction.  No comets, aliens, or zombies necessary.

I think it’s B.O.!

Open Letter to the tiki torch carriers in North Carolina:

I woke up this morning and (eventually) checked my Twitter feed.  Oh.  A demonstration in North Carolina by angry, privileged, and misled individuals carrying tiki torches.  You’re upset because despite having an entire nation specifically designed to give you a better shot at everything in life, you’re still not thriving.  It’s not enough you’ve never experienced life surrounded by hateful people who despise you for existing.  You don’t even know what it’s like to face life without every possible advantage at your disposal.  You can’t imagine it.  It’s much easier to ignore these facts, and pretend to be the victim, instead, eh?

It’s also simpler to waste your life than live it to it’s fullest.  Privilege is an advantage, but it doesn’t live your life for you.  It doesn’t guarantee you will be on top of everyone else.  It doesn’t automatically make you awesome.  You still have to get off your lazy ass and build your life with effort, which is what truthfully has you so upset.  It’s unfortunate you didn’t focus on making yourself into someone you can love, and instead chose to concentrate on hating everyone else.  Every single one who carried their tiki torch around the church, while spewing racial slurs and saluting a dead, meth addicted loser, has publicly announced you are a miserable piece of shit.

That was precisely the message you delivered.  Nobody saw you, and thought, “Hey!  This person has factual information to share with the world!”  We looked at you and were disgusted.  What a pathetic tiki tantrum by spoiled brats who haven’t figured out how to adult yet.  We don’t pity your invented woes.  We know your cause is bullshit.  We are aware you’re merely proving yourself one of the poor fools who fell for (weak) propaganda because it was easy and didn’t take any effort.  You just want to be a terrorist without consequence, and this group will take anyone with white skin.  Finally, you get to fit in without effort or policing your poorly formed personality.  How sad.

Barrack Obama was President of the United States of America for eight years.  He has brown skin.  Obama overcame every single obstacle that stood in his way.  Not one of you tiki torch carrying fuckwads has even faced a single one of the barriers he conquered.  Instead, you’re bent on creating more barriers to ensure such an incredible achievement never happens again.  Even with all the privilege and advantages, in this beautiful country where you automatically have a far better shot at life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,  merely for existing, you’re still losers.  That’s so fucking pathetic it’s hard to believe it’s even possible.  Holy shit.

The worst part is the why.  Why are you so miserable and pathetic?  The answer is simple.  You chose this.  You looked at all the opportunities America has to offer you, and said, “Nah, that all sounds like hard work.  Instead, I’m just going to make it harder for everyone else, and then pout over not being treated as if I’m valued, when all I have to offer is hate and destruction.”  On second thought, I do pity you.  If I see you on the street with your bug repelling torch, I’ll hug you.  I can’t imagine how awful it feels to be you.  Besides, you’re alive, which entitles you to my consideration.  You don’t even need skin for me to consider you and your feelings.  But if you strike me, my return will end you, so don’t.  Take the hug or don’t.  It’s yours to accept or reject.

Instead of choosing to be hateful, you can always change your mind and embrace all of America in her glory.  Together, we’re amazing.  I’d rather you were part of our greatness because I  suspect you have something inside you that makes you one of a kind.  Not part of some angry group looking foolish.  Just you, alone, without all the fake baggage.  Oh, there you are!  I can see you better when you’re not pretending to be a psychopath.  I don’t even believe you hate other Americans.  I think you’re angry and frustrated.  You’ve accepted a lot of bullshit as true and decided to go with it because you know you can get away with it, (now.)

I’m hoping you figure out this path leads to a dark empty place.  Many have traveled it, but none of them are still around to share.  You’ve chosen the team that will lose every single time, regardless of how much money and KGB bots feeding the effort.  In the end, love and life always win.  They’re the point, silly.  So think again about who you want to anchor yourself to, and why.  Do you want to spend the rest of your life angry and miserable?  Many have chosen to do this.  We have diseases named after them.  I hope you decide you want far more.  I hope you opt to be honest.  The hate is your thing.  I don’t hate you.  If I did, I wouldn’t bother writing this.

I love you for being alive.  I’m angry you’ve chosen misery because I know it’s a choice.  Nobody is forcing you to go down this road.  You’re truly only hurting yourself.  Don’t do that.  Life is hard enough without sabotaging it.  You know what’s right and wrong.  You’re free to choose.  Just remember, every choice has consequences.  You’re probably going to get away with terrorizing North Carolinians last night because of your white privilege.  Nobody is shocked by this because we live in a nation that doesn’t treat everyone equally.  We hate it.  We fight it.  We do whatever we can do legally to try and even the playing field.  We don’t show up and terrorize you, though.  We treat you better than you deserve, and you make us beg just to exist.

I hope you think about what kind of future you want for yourself, and make better choices.  Your white skin isn’t necessarily going to protect you forever, so please work on building yourself into a decent individual.  Nobody can do it but you.



So what? Your genitals are still lined up.

I’m home from my mini-vacation, sans laptop.  I accidentally left it in security when a bag search interrupted me while on auto-pilot.  Fortunately, it was located in the lost and found and will be shipped back soon.  Whew!  I didn’t even notice it was gone until several minutes after we were in the air.  I used the remainder of the flight to freak out.  I was given sympathy and reassurance from the woman seated beside me.  She was so kind I almost started ugly crying.  The relief I’ll feel when it’s back in my hands will be worth every almost-tear.  Okay, I did bawl my head off when I got home, but it was in the shower, so it doesn’t count. 😛

I’m getting back into my rhythm with The Resistance.  I noticed a response thread about Bill Mahr using the N word.  Someone stated they didn’t mind his using it once in comparison to Snoop Dog using it several times a minute.  They first stated they were “Afro-American.”  It’s not a term I’ve heard in ages.  It gave me pause, but only because it was unusual terminology for today.  I didn’t draw any certainties from it.  I’m apparently the only one, out of the hundreds who jumped in to inform him they thought his choice of words proved he was white.  Initially, someone merely stated it’s an outdated term, and the use made them suspicious.  Then came the flood.

At first, it was hilarious.  Lots of memes and witty statements demonstrating a white person pretending to be a black person. It started getting ugly when the comments started coming from those who were taking a little too much pleasure in tearing someone down.  It wasn’t funny anymore.  It was an accusation.  People were literally stating he couldn’t be black based solely on his word choices.  Before long, I was also accused of pretending to be black by some Caucasian woman.   Blocked.  This is another symptom of institutional racism.  The belief one’s behavior dictates the pigmentation level of their skin is ridiculous and astonishingly ignorant.  It’s saying stereotypes have the same efficacy as DNA.

It’s a sore point for me in particular.  I’ve faced this abuse too often in the past by other blacks who deny my membership because of my language, clothing, and/or who I hang out with.  I speak proper Midwestern English, just like every other educated person who grew up here.  I’m aware of slang from hip-hop and rap culture, but don’t think it’s the cultural language of any race other than human.  There are people from everywhere who live the culture.  Their skin is irrelevant.  This isn’t rocket science.  I can imitate an inner-city accent, but not with a straight face while being phony.  I’m a black woman from the upper midwestern US.  This is called a fact.

I’ve traveled enough to notice language and cultural variations in different regions of the US.  I like diversity.  It’s fascinating.  I’m comfortable being myself and am mature enough to laugh at things like peer pressure and pettiness within my own race.  My own sister used to give me shit about being openly Midwestern.  All I heard was, “Hi, I’m a hypocrite so feel free to ignore me.”  Being raised in the Midwest would have sufficed, but on top of that, I was adopted by a Caucasian family.  Guess what?  It influenced my language and culture.  Of course, I don’t speak like someone who grew up in LA or NYC!  Please explain the thought process that led to this being surprising information, because I can’t find it.

I don’t filter my world by things so petty as variations in physical traits.  This is my life, and I intend to continue living the shit out of it.  I’ll continue doing my best to avoid stepping on others out of default decency.  I also won’t tolerate anyone stepping on me.  I’m too busy chasing fascination to waste time conforming to stereotypes.  I’m too free and happy for petty bullshit.  While I sincerely think many who joined in to be silly on Twitter over this had no malice behind their memes, the point that matters is this:  If you honestly believe language and culture can qualify or disqualify a person from a particular race, you believe a lie, which is ignorance defined.

Do you know how hard it’s getting to tell people I know you?

I’m having a decent day.  I made a big decision.  I’ve decided not to seek medical care in the future.  As a service connected, disabled veteran, I’m entitled to health care at the VA Medical Center.  I’m also still on the health plan for my software company. (I no longer work there, but I still own 50%.)  I’ve never used it.  In the past, I’ve gotten all my care at the VA.  I’m no longer willing to put myself through the experience.  I’m hoping this will make the nightmares stop.  At least the VA nightmares.  I’m confident it will work as I usually have them the night before an appointment, or if I’m having an episode of depression.

When depressed, my mind recalls every terrifying or soul crushing experience from my life and plays them back like a really fucked up movie.  Good times.  All my life I’ve bent over backward to avoid stepping on others.  It’s my default, and so it shall remain.  I know I’m naive.  I don’t see it changing at this point.  I acquire more information, but my mind still processes thoughts from a compassionate viewpoint.  I value life.  It hurts to care.  But pain is the only negative consequence I’ve discovered.

Seeking medical care is a nightmare for me, every single time.  It’s illogical to subject myself to trauma when I have a choice.  I’m tired of the astonishing ignorance of some medical professionals, who in 2017, still believe African Americans don’t experience pain as strongly as Caucasians.  It taught me how to cope with physical pain intense enough to render me semi-conscious.  It taught me to be wary.  It taught me never to rely on medication I can’t purchase at a convenience store.  It proved my military service doesn’t count because I have a vagina and brown skin.  I’m no longer willing to enter such a hostile environment.

I realize I’m shortening my lifespan by this decision.  I have a week of medication remaining, both for depression and hypertension.  Eight days, to be exact.  Prozac has a long half-life.  It will stay in my system for a while, but as my body transitions, I’ll have the random brain zaps from quitting cold turkey.  Honestly, when I consider how long I’ve taken it, that’s getting off incredibly easy.  I know you’re not supposed to quit a beta blocker cold turkey, but oh well.  My body can handle it.  I’ve had hypertension since I was a child.  I sincerely believe it’s a physiological reaction to my environment.  It’s like White Coat Syndrome on steroids.  When I’m running, my blood pressure is lower than when I’m walking into the VA.  I eventually refused to have my blood pressure checked at the VA.  It’s like checking for a fever while in a sauna.

The positive changes will include a return to writing poetry and songs.  Prozac stifles creativity in a noticeable way.  It’s probably why a lot of famous artists and writers die from suicide.  The tortured artist is such an accurate term.  Creativity has a cost and usually exacts its toll in tears.  I entered a poetry contest when I was a Private (PFC) in the Army.  It was the first and last contest I entered.  I won first prize, and it deeply disappointed me.  It wasn’t my best poem, just my latest when I entered.  It wasn’t very good.  For it to get first place depressed the shit out of me.  My Commander was excited I won, and I was in The Army Times, and the newspaper at home.  I didn’t go to the ceremony in D.C.  I stopped writing altogether for a few years.

While on Prozac, it’s rare I’m inspired to write a poem.  I’m looking forward to being a tortured artist again.  At least it’s the type of torture I can endure.  I’m getting ready to go on vacation.  I’m in the planning stage (which usually lasts as long as the vacation.)  I probably enjoy the planning more than the vacation most times, but I’m aiming to have a lot of fun this time.  Off to the whiteboard.

Hello, Newman.

I’m still working on the song in my head.  I got distracted trying out different drum kits and creating them with my own sounds.  I created one of nothing but sounds my cat makes.  Because I can, that’s why.  Also, because getting my cat to do anything nine times merits documentation.  You never know when having… I can’t even type the rest of that thought with a straight face.  Now that 45’s attempt to repeal the ACA failed, I suppose I should end my healthcare boycott and reschedule the mammogram and annual appearance with my shrink.  It’s a shitty victory party, but I’ll add a slice of chocolate cake afterward to make it better.

Now that I’ve fully surrendered to adulthood by becoming politically informed and active, I think from a far larger perspective.  I’m a citizen of earth.  I recognize my responsibility to the planet.  I understand survival.  In the biggest picture (the only one that matters), the validity of my existence is heavily contingent on my aiding millennials in reaching their potential.  It’s logical which means it’s easy for me to accept.  Fortunately, it still allows me to enjoy what’s left of my lifespan.  It’s not a burden, it’s an imperative truth for those who want homo sapiens to survive and thrive as a species.  Evolution is a slow process in comparison to a human lifespan.  It’s essentially nonexistent in those terms.  It’s easy to forget how fragile we are as a species.  I’m guessing cutting the CDC’s budget will become a potent reminder.  45 is bad for humanity.

My blood pressure spiked when Sessions ignored the question about the white terrorist who killed an African American recently.  Sessions is a racist who lied under oath with no repercussions as the fucking Attorney General.  His appointment to the position is likely more about his willingness to conspire with Putin than his overt racism, though.  Clearly, if you’re willing to sell America out to Putin, you’re White House material, now.  It’s Bizarro World.  I finally got the explanation I can accept regarding 45’s supporters.  From Psychology Today, of all places!

“The knowledge and intelligence that are required to be good at a task are often the same qualities needed to recognize that one is not good at that task — and if one lacks such knowledge and intelligence, one remains ignorant that one is not good at the task. This includes political judgment.”

In my own words, you can’t comprehend what you can’t comprehend.  It’s #MuslimWomensDay.  I’ve been reading poetry written by Muslim women for hours (I don’t work on Mondays).  I like being reminded we’re all so much alike, despite our diversity.  The family I lived with in Saudi were no different than my ‘weekend family’ in Germany, or my Panamanian American family, Korean American family, or Mexican American family.  I acquired so many families in my travels because they made me feel like I was at home.  They showed me we all basically want the same thing; what’s best for the children.  It’s our inherent desire for survival as a species.  I’m off to read more poems.

What do you expect when your name rhymes with part of the female anatomy?

It finally stopped snowing.  I had an easy day today.  It allowed me to wrestle with religion internally for most of the day.  I mentioned I’m failing as an atheist, so I decided to try a different approach.  Since I’m indoctrinated as a Christian, I’m guilty of overlooking the rituals and doctrine of any other religions.  It’s because I never felt interested in other faiths.  In fact, I was conditioned to avoid learning about other religions.  I suspect this is true with non-Christians, too.  It’s practically taboo.  (I love that word.)  Unfortunately, it’s no excuse since I’m American.  We’re people of all faiths and none.  I realized it makes me an asshole not to lift a finger to educate myself about what is paramount to so many Americans.  My bad.

I’ll be studying Islam first.  I want to understand because it’s the shortest path to love.  I lived with a Muslim family for a year in Saudi, but my focus was on language.  I was also unable to be present when I socialized at that time.  When I’m on auto-pilot, I remember what goes on around me like it’s a dream.  Sometimes I can easily recall, and other times it’s just out of reach.  It was something I did unconsciously whenever my anxiety surged.  I’m better at controlling my anxiety in social situations now.  There’s still room for improvement, however.  Part of what I’m calling an improvement is my ability to dodge social situations when I’m not in the mood.  Recognizing I was allowed to say no was all that was holding me back.  (Embarrassing)

I looked into purchasing a gun earlier.  The laws are shockingly lax in South Dakota.  I discovered I can legally own an M-16 A2 (semi-automatic assault rifle!) without the hassle of a permit.  That’s the first weapon I ever fired.  I went from crying because it scared the shit out of me to acquiring sharpshooter status in a week.   Being afraid helped me aim well.  I never allowed my myself to overthink the ethical issues of killing as a soldier.  I wasn’t a conscientious objector exactly… I just decided if I found myself in a kill or be killed situation, it was game over for me.  It was too abstract to ponder much.  When I saw the racist senator from Iowa call for ethnic cleansing, I started thinking maybe a gun would be nice.  Then I lost my fury while researching options and reading an article about a bill to legalize silencers.  Are you fucking kidding me?  So… Yeah.  Fuck it.  If a racist piece of shit wants to shoot me, come at me.  Then rot in a cage, beast.

Shut up you old bag!

I’m doing well.  It finally stopped snowing, but the driving is still precarious.  My boss asked me if I’m happy in my position today.  I’m overqualified for the job, but I didn’t understand why it’s an issue as it was deliberate on my part.  He said something about retention, but eventually, we got to the bottom of things.  He was concerned I might start my own company again.  I assured him it doesn’t interest me.

I’m on the other side of life now, since I don’t have kids.  I won’t compete with Millennials in the workforce or business sector because it’s their turn now.  My job is to help them achieve and get access to resources.  Because duh.  My fellow Gen X’ers who are still raising their kids need me and others like me to help with their grandparents, and sometimes parents who are struggling to remain independent.  The circle of human life.  When I’m no longer able to live independently, the Millenials will probably have gadgets to compensate and a bot to report any problems.  Home automation will include whatever necessary to allow me to stay independent the way Meals on Wheels does now.  (Alexa, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!)

It takes a village isn’t just about kids.  It’s about everyone in the community.  I know how to be a good neighbor.  Mr. Rogers taught a lot of us.  If everyone looked out for their neighbors, it would be a nicer country to live in.  Also, homelessness would be a rare problem.  Not having a family to fall back on probably leads to it often.  I lost family to the cult of Drumpf after the election.  It wasn’t surprising.  I figure if having two black little sisters didn’t aid them in overcoming racism, nothing will.

It was stressful having racist family members, and I won’t miss that stress.  My mom’s dad overcame racism when I was a preteen.  It was a major event in my life because he was my only grandparent.  I just understood I didn’t have grandparents because my parents adopted me, not their families.  That’s a quote.  There were other family members I heard about but never met.  Some were because they were racists.

My dad’s parents are an example.  Heather and I weren’t allowed to get out of the car because the dogs didn’t like black people.  Another quote.  I do remember this, although I was four or five at the time.  I didn’t look at my dad’s parents, so I don’t know what they looked like.  The ground just outside the car was muddy, so I wasn’t going to get out of the car anyway.  I believed dogs could be racist, though.  I took it as my mom stating facts, not my dad’s parents being racists.

I didn’t understand racism until I was five.  That was a rough year.  I began Kindergarten, which led to my finding out I was black.  That was devastating.  I don’t know how I lived for four years before noticing only Heather and I matched.  I had some wild theories about a lot of things before I found out the facts.  I thought birth control pills were what you took to get pregnant, for example.  They should call them birth prevention pills.

I found out later that year my dad wasn’t actually Santa Claus, then that there was no such thing.  More devastation.  I had an epic meltdown because I didn’t know parents could lie and my brain wouldn’t process it.  I have a hard time adjusting to new rules.  I like rules too much on top of it.  To me they’re directions.  I hate when I don’t know the rules.  The Army always had manuals for how to do everything.  If the manual was for a HumV, it was kept in the HumV.  I loved that.

I could do anything I was asked to do because if I didn’t have the skill yet, I had the manual that would teach it to me.  Memorizing the manuals paid off big when I competed in knowledge bowls for free trips all over Europe.  I was surprised how few bothered.  I had a blast.  Then again, most people in my unit in Germany couldn’t pass the international drivers test.  There were a lot of signs to memorize, and some people aren’t good at it.  I bought a BMW 525 Si in white with chocolate brown leather interior while I was over there, but the cost to get it converted to American emission specs was ridic.

I used to drive my friends to a Chi Chi’s, and they would get hammered.  Then on the way back to our post, a few would get in the trunk because they couldn’t find their ID cards needed to get back in the gate.  That used to make me nervous because MP’s on guard duty don’t play.  But the trunk was huge.  It held two soldiers uncomfortably.

I’m still working with the Democrats.  I basically do whatever they ask.  I understand now where I fucked up, and how badly.  I still love Bernie Sanders, but I support the Democratic party period.  I’m anti-GOP so hard.  I hate Nazis.  I do enjoy watching people punch them in the face, however.  I don’t normally like boxing, but this is a sport I can get behind.  I’ve seen a few gifs on Twitter that were most satisfying to watch.  I’m off to order a Drumpf piñata.

We’re broken up for the rest of the day.

I met another veteran while delivering for Meals on Wheels today.  He retired from the Airforce Reserves and is also troubled by the threat to our healthcare.  He too thinks Drumpf is waddling shit.  Drumpf seems hellbent on killing more Americans than died in Vietnam (civilian or military!).  It’s astonishing to me that so many Republicans will support anyone who doesn’t have brown skin.  Racism and greed seem to be the only driving force behind the GOP.  It’s disgusting.

Every person on my route will die within a week of having their health care revoked.  They don’t have time for Drumpf to put together a “better” plan, (the plan is for us to die, folks).  Any interruption to healthcare will be a disaster of enormous proportions.  If this is where Drumpf thinks he can take America, he’s in for a YUGE surprise.  A lot of people who hate violence will get over it really quickly.  It’ll be ugly, and you can’t take back violence.

All over some orange fat fuck who lacks any decency, character, or morals.  Hate is often fatal.  I hope I’m wrong and Drumpf, and First Demon, Paul Ryan, don’t commit this crime.  But Drumpf clearly has no issue with criminal activity, and Paul Ryan clearly has no soul.  If you want to see bloodshed, and I know many Drumpf supporters are salivating for it, you’re probably going to get your vile wish.  Choke on it.