“If I like their race, how can that be racism?”

Look.  I’m telling you three times not to read this post if you’re not in a safe place mentally right now.  💜

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t sleep last night.  I just lay in bed grinding my teeth.  It’s not nightmare avoidance, though (for once.)  I got a letter from the VA.  Part of me is in shock.  All of me is pissed off.  It’s not often I find myself wondering how the hell a person can be so clueless.  (I’m too used to being the one who causes others to think it.)  It’s the first time I’ve felt the desire need to resume using F-bombs liberally.

I’m 99% certain the person sent it because they were required.  I subtracted 1% because it’s possible I’m mistaken, and they’re not clueless at all, just vile.   I’d prefer not responding at all.  It’s the most logical, adult thing I could do.  However, I’ve done this dance too many times not to know what’s next.  If I don’t respond, they’ll send the police and call it a health and welfare check.  (Pressing every button on my F*** box; best toy ever.)

Here’s the thing:  I’m a POC with autism and mental illness, living in what was dubbed The Whitest City in America.  Jeff Sessions is the (pressing buttons on best toy ever) Attorney General.  Here’s a lovely photo of a bridge just outside Sioux Falls Christian school.

racist grafitti

Sending the police to my place is more dangerous to my lifespan than lacing a snail mail letter with ricin.  It’s hard to imagine it’s not intentional.  I’m trying, but the benefit of the doubt got tired after the fifth time they did this shit.  (Pressing buttons with feeling.)  Frankly, it would have been more compassionate to add ricin to the envelope.  It would also surpass the effectiveness of any “treatment” they’ve offered so far by a longshot.  It would cure my autism, mental illness, and skin condition.  I’m black; there would be no repercussions.  Here, let me hold up the edge of the rug so we can sweep me under and be done, already.  Win, win whatever.

M. has enough sense to recognize he can’t stay here for a while.  He’s upset because he read my medical records, and knows I’m going to get the (pressing) out of South Dakota as soon as I finish ticking off my (button) already-prepared-because-five-times-checklist.  I’m not kidding when I say it’s 1960 in South Dakota.  If I don’t run for the border and leave my mobile tracking device phone behind, I’ll be handcuffed in the back seat of a cop car again before I can say (remixing like DJ Guetta.)   I’ve been handcuffed (and leg shackled) too many (button again) times for someone whose rap sheet solely consists of a single traffic violation over a decade ago.

Health and welfare check my ass.  Let’s call it what it is, eh?  A microaggressive Get Out note.  Do you want to know what’s rich?  Good, because I’m going to tell you.  It’s the person in charge of suicide prevention at the VA, pretending I can’t read between the lies.  The same one who flat out told me I should move to the east coast because “they’re more compassionate about mental illness there.”  That’s a Get Out note, too.  Get Out notes are what clandestine racists send to POC.  It’s for our health and welfare, see?  (all the buttons)

North American porcupine

It’s not the first person at the VA (in the mental health field) who sent me one. (When it didn’t work, they sent the chaplain in to suggest I meet with the only other black person he knew at the VA.  (Not even a medical anything, IIRC.)  It’s in the manual, I think.  If they don’t bow down, send them to The Other One, so they can explain the rules and nip this in the bud.  (YepI’m that (press) pissed.)  This issue is a part of white privilege I hate with a (button) passion.  I have Caucasian expectations.  I expect at least minimal consideration from other humans for also being human.  I know this is a dangerous attitude for black people on earth.

The Election showed me it’s irrational.  It broke my heart, but whatever.  There’s a furious, mean part of me that wants to move to Plan B, and initiate Operation Knock Knock.  It’s infantile bullshit, but it’s typed up and stored next to my bugout bag all the same.  I’m not literally clueless.  I know how to push the issue and stop this dance.  I think about it when I can’t sleep all the time.  I can make any American cop shoot me in the head.  (It’s a superpower of the oppressed, here in the land of the free. If you want to test it out, tell a cop you’re a different gender than you appear to be ((to the ignorant and hateful.))  I think it would be (press) evil to deliberately pass on my PTSD to a cop as my last act in this reality.  It (button) with them when we make them do what they secretly want to do anyway.

More shit I’ve learned since The Election, that.  It makes me regret being a veteran, sometimes.  I didn’t think anything could do that.  I (press) get it wrong a lot.  (I got rose-colored eyeglass frames so that I can remind myself how I used to view my country.)  You’d think after being in the Army, I’d know better.  But nope.  I thought we at least gave a shit about fellow Americans.  Why was I (all the buttons) risking life and limb for a country where a third of the populace is furious I’m not a slave!?  In my defense, they did show a lot of propaganda videos on the only TV channel we had in English when I lived in Germany.  (Fraud. Waste. Abuse.  It’s your duty to report it!)  Stoners would probably love them.

It snowed again which means I can’t drive (open my eyes wide enough to see outside) until the new snow is dirty.  I’m going to go dry heave for a while.  (One of the lovely perks of insomnia.)  I’ve set a new record for the duration of my fury.  I usually see something shiny by now.  (last press.)

“Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.”

I’m having a shitty night.  I just told M. to get the hell out.  I have another kidney stone.  Every time it moves the pain becomes so intense I make involuntary sounds.  I breathe loudly and moan every so often (without my consent.)

It comes and goes in waves.  When the pain subsides, it leaves me feeling drained.  Rinse and repeat until the damn thing passes.  I’m sipping cranberry juice and water between waves.  Good times.  It’s nothing new and nothing to freak out over.  (Especially when you’re not the one experiencing the pain.)

M. suggested I go to the ER.  I told him no, I don’t want to make this experience more miserable than it is already.  I think it may have offended him since he’s a medical professional.  Sigh.

Later, when the pain returned, M. repeated his suggestion. (!!!) I told him he should go sleep at his apartment because this is probably going to continue all night, and I won’t change my mind.  Then he went into doctor mode and started telling me he knows what’s best.

I could feel my blood pressure rising.  M. said he doesn’t understand why I won’t utilize medical care when I should be thankful I’m fortunate enough to have it when lots of people don’t.  (I was curled in the fetal position on the floor, doing something like Lamaze breathing to deal with the pain.)

I crawled to my desk and gave him a thumb drive copy of my VA medical records, dating back to when I got out of the Army.  I (too loudly) told him to read them if he wants to know why I’m not going to the (expletive) ER.  Then I told him to get out.

I regret I was brusk, but I was also preoccupied.  My medical records are a fascinating read.  I’m probably going to publish them as part of a dissertation on racism in the medical field.  It’s a surprisingly thick file considering all it honestly says is, the patient is black and doesn’t count, over and over again.

I’m so lucky to have medical coverage, she said through clenched teeth.

 

“I can’t believe we put it off until today, and then we couldn’t do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy.”

kino

I got nothing for Christmas this year.  (It’s because I told everyone I’m not celebrating Christmas.)  I’m holding out for Easter because I find it far more impressive.  Babies are born to virgins all the time, (she said, sardonically.)  Zombies, however, are supposedly rare, (outside our imaginations.)  Jesus Christ is the best zombie ever.  Can I get an amen?  Please note, I’m using white privilege (facetiously) when making these statements by assuming everyone in America, (or an English speaking country) is Christian.  Growing up in America means automatic indoctrination to the Christian faith to some degree, but we worship the way taught, the way we choose, or not at all, (when allowed.)

The only people in America who haven’t been tainted by white privilege are children.  (Very young children.)  There may be other small groups who are incredibly insular, as well.  White privilege is more complicated than the name reveals.  I’m black, but I’m also American.  I’m currently exorcising WP from my thought processes.  I don’t allow myself to resent this necessary transformation because everyone I know has the same burden.  I have friends who are Canadian, Scottish, and British who are also reprogramming their minds to eliminate their contribution to this serious problem in the western world.

I’m still identifying problematic thinking as I go.  It’s disturbing every time.  It hurts a lot to realize I’ve been unwittingly contributing to the repression of people of color.  I’m one of them.  I initially thought it meant I was off the hook.  As if.  Unless you’re Amish, you probably bear this burden too, regardless of race.  I was raised in South Dakota by Caucasian parents, to boot.  It’s a painful and possibly lengthy process, but I’m committed with all my heart.

I’m just trying to make it through this life without contributing to The Pain.  There’s too much as it is.  If I can lessen it, I’ll consider myself a smashing success.  I’ll also strut around like I’m Wanda Sykes, probably.  (I’m excellent at celebrating (any of) my accomplishments.  It seems prudent.)  I’m having a blast in Denver.  I love it here.  So does M.  I think he’s in the early stages of considering a move.  Oddly, it doesn’t frighten me at all.

It’s possible I’m second-hand high (from a recent visit with an adult relative.)  It just occurred to me.  I bet any stoners who read this are thinking, “I began suspecting a few paragraphs back.”  Heh.  I don’t think Stevie Nicks would be upset if she knew I got high accidentally.  I don’t use drugs period, (which is what I believe she would advise me if she knew I existed.)   I witnessed her saying the same anti-drug message from her own lips, more than three times in different HD videos on YouTube.  (That’s how I sift out the bullshit.)

I forgot what I wanted to blog about.  Sorry about how weird this post is.  (A little.  Heh.)  Oh, right!  My girl, Keia, from the Gettin’ Grown podcast, said she can’t recall ever being called the n-word to her face.  It knocked me over and said booyah!  It never occurred to me this was possible on earth.  It makes me so happy I cried a little.  Now I’m going to celebrate this beautiful fact.  She’s a lot younger than me (from her perspective, probably.)

So that’s what made me want to share.  If so inclined, drink one for Keia’s journey, (+10 if you thought of Kino’s Journey.)  May she, and all yet to exist, always be spared.  Cheers.  💜 (Walks away, singing Zombie, by The Cranberries.)

“I would be friends with Stalin if he had a ping pong table.”

Welp.  I’m in a dark place mentally.  Surprisingly, I confided in M., (probably because he’s my fiance now, and I’m starting to comprehend it.)  I showed him the articles from mainstream media sources demonstrating the police have been told to shoot blacks on sight.  It sounds unbelievable, but do a search, and you’ll find articles about a cop who held a black man at gunpoint for 9 minutes because he was black.

The black man handled the situation like a rock star.  He remained calm (on the outside) while asking the cop why he was escalating the situation by pointing his gun at the passenger of a car driven by a white male on a standard traffic stop.  The only thing this man did was ride in a car while being black.  The cop spent 9 minutes debating whether or not this non-offense justified murdering him.  I happen to know there’s more than one article, (because I’m black, and even I couldn’t fucking believe it without corroborating evidence.)

That’s enough for me to recognize cops have been told to shoot blacks on sight.  But there’s more.  Sigh.  A cop recently assured a white woman she could calm down and stop panicking because they only kill black people.  I shit you not.  Look it up.  So, yeah.  Cops have been told to kill black people on sight.  Needless to say, it’s led me to make some adjustments.  I think this is at the core of what’s triggered me.  I’m a black woman.  When I hear sirens, it’s not only rational but wise to prepare myself for impending murder.

I guess it doesn’t qualify to be called a trigger because my reaction is spot on.  It’s an early warning system.  I feel better about it, now.  I know in Sioux Falls, the police haven’t murdered any black people for being black in the recent past, (my lifetime.)  It’s good to know, but I also know Jeff Sessions hadn’t given them the green light to become consequence-free murderers at that point.   I nearly hate that lying, Elmer Fudd-looking fuckwad.  (Not enough to acknowledge his existence very often, fortunately.)

So in light of recent revelations, I’m preparing to walk away from my life.  Well…  Hopefully drive away, but walking is still an option.  I have a particular destination.  I’m going off the grid.  I’m unplugging myself from society because I don’t want to be murdered for the pigmentation level of my skin.  (What a fucked up reason to die.)  I can’t say I did nazi this coming.  I predicted 45 would insist on being the king, and do away with elections altogether back when Deez Nutz was the leading Republican candidate.  (I was half kidding.)

Naturally, I’m extremely pissed off.  While I’m mildly excited and see it as an adventure where I get to use the skills I learned in the Army, I’m angry I have to share this planet with hateful murderers who are willfully ignorant, and barely qualify as homo sapiens.  As I’ve stated in the past, I consider troglodytes expendable.  So much so, I’ll be carrying an M-16 A2 and two modified 80-round cartridges at all times in my new home, (just like the good old days.)  🙄

I’m pissed I had to buy a fucking weapon and ammunition while a citizen in good standing in an allegedly first world country.  This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  I pay taxes so I can let the police and military deal with weapons.  I’m a civilian.  This is bullshit.  But I’m not going to die easily over bullshit.  I’m going to take out as many Nazis as I can, and I can hit anything within… I’ll keep that to myself.  Suffice to say, for someone who hates violence and primitive behavior, I’m lethal as fuck.  I know.  It’s weird.  (I was surprised by this, too.  And a lot uncomfortable.)

I have incredible faith in my training and a decade of practice.  There will be fewer Nazis when I go out.  You’re welcome.  I’m livid because I’m about to go on permanent guard duty because the GOP put a known criminal in the highest office (again, and several other governmental positions to boot.)  It was a deliberate act of evil based on greed and hatred.  Fuck the GOP.  It’s the KKK in different uniforms.  They don’t even deny it.

I knew I was a short-timer.  My body has been insisting I’m ending soon for months now.  I usually joke about it, because I’m still trying to adjust to evil being interchangeable with Christian conservative.  I did nazi that coming.  (It will never get old for me, sorry.)  I totally fell for Christianity.  I blame my forced indoctrination, (but who’s counting.)  I think I wavered so long because I know people who genuinely believe, and live like real Christians.  I love the shit out of them for it.  (It’s an excellent argument for belief.)

Unfortunately, the vast majority are fakes only interested in the status, not the lifestyle.  It’s a constant, loud, belligerent rebuttal.  Plus, Joel Osteen and his ilk.  (Holy shit!)  Most atheists were indoctrinated Christians at some point.  Ex-Catholics make up a huge portion.  Getting raped by your spiritual leader does it every single time.  Statistically, it’s ridiculous, and it makes me sad.

I wanted to be a Christian.  I live like a Christian, but I don’t believe.  (I just think Jesus’ word in the Holy Bible is a wise doctrine regarding how to avoid being an asshole on a crowded planet, sometimes.)  Plus, a lot of our laws are clearly based on it, so it’s a convenient way to avoid becoming a slave in a for-profit prison.

For those who just thought to themselves, “She doesn’t act like a Christian because she drops f-bombs like there’s a prize”:  Fuck you.  Fuck is a great word.  It’s not taking an imaginary entities name in vain, (which I don’t do out of respect for those who believe.)  It’s the only curse I refuse to use.  Welp… I won’t use the C-word either.  Ew.  I’m fortunate because my fiance insists on going with me.  I have to admit, my heart melted into a puddle of love when he informed me.

If I weren’t black, I wouldn’t be doing this with a weapon.  I’d still be going off the grid, but while maintaining a presence in society, and communication with relatives.  The richest force behind this coup is Putin’s desire to be the oil god of earth.  He’s not going to do it with my assistance, thankyouverymuch.  Hence, fuck the grid.  Solar will suffice until I finish designing me-powered gadgets.  Finally, my incessant pacing while stressed will pay off, when I hack my new hallway with piezoelectric transducers.  It will take time to get set up, so I’ll post updates that aren’t too risky.  (I don’t think many read my blog, so I’m not overly concerned.)

So that’s how my day has been.  Fucking yay.  I’m off to beat my drums like an angry black woman.

 

That doesn’t work, we’ll give ’em Kramer!

Fucking Nazi’s.  Since writing my open letter to the tiki torch-carrying losers, more information about their actions has been revealed through photos and video footage.  And of course, the murder of Heather Heyer.  I can’t pretend to be as shocked as most seem.  The overwhelming ignorance of oppression in America is like forcing the oppressed to smoke two packs of non-filtered cigarettes a day.  We can barely fucking breathe, and people think we experience the same lives they do.  Most non-oppressed people have no fucking idea what we go through.  They’ve seen some videos now, and are starting to believe we struggle, but they STILL don’t get it yet.

They have little frame of reference because they think watching Roots brought them up to speed.  They believe now overt slavery is banned, we’re all living equally ever after.  They think Obama succeeds because of Affirmative Action, rather than sheer will, hard work, and drive most can’t even comprehend. They hate him because his existence reminds them how pathetic they are in comparison.  He achieved something incredible, and instead of motivating them to work harder, it enraged those who don’t even dare try out of fear of having their darkest fear proven correct.  They’re terrified of looking at themselves, because they know there’s nothing great to see.  The utter lack of effort they’ve put into building themselves up destroyed any self-esteem they managed to develop.  They surrendered before even trying because it was easier.

How many of you know someone branded by racist pricks?  I served with someone who bore this scar (while honorably serving the nation that enabled his torture.)  They used the same tools they use to torture livestock.  He escaped before the lynching.  This happened in the 70’s in America before the internet made it easier to expose racist evil.  When I saw his melted, scarred tissue, he quickly covered it and refused to speak of what happened.

I found out when he got drunk one night and sat up telling me his history.  I lost a lot of ignorance and innocence that night.  He was detained by racist fuckwads after school for a beat down, and was injured, (2 broken ribs from being repeatedly kicked while down.)  It made him miss his bus, and he had to walk home alone.  He was ambushed, beaten further, and branded, in preparation for a fucking LYNCHING.

They tried to horrifically murder him for walking down the street with brown skin.  He was a 9-year-old child.  It made me vomit.  My childhood was heaven in comparison.  (The difference being location, location, location.)  My family settled in an area that isn’t dominated by hate, bitterness, ignorance, and fear.  In the south, they celebrate this type of behavior.  Think about that.  This is only one horror story.  There are far, far more.  This one didn’t end in murder, but he’ll bear the scars for life.  I decided that night I’d never visit the Hate States.  I would never willingly go there, knowing evil murderers walk free as a matter of course.

Not everyone in the south has committed such atrocities.  However, everyone in the south lives among these demons.  They’re your neighbors.  You might not be aware of their evil activities.  Our fucking AG (attorney general) is a racist prick who lied under oath and colluded with the enemy to gain his ironic post.  Jeff Sessions is what a demon looks like.  (He’s an angel compared to Mike Pence.)  I wonder how many children he’s tortured and murdered.  I hope he dies in a fire.  I hope all who pose as humans while behaving as demons are annihilated.  They’re enemies of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  They’re traitors to our beloved nation.  Every time they inhale, it’s a tragedy.

Nazi’s need to crawl under a rock and stay hidden until they die as miserably as they lived.  I don’t differentiate between the groups, with all their various disguises.  They’re all one group.  Enemy.  Evangelicals, white supremacists, the GOP, neo-Nazi’s, and whatever other names they’re hiding behind.  All expendable pieces of shit holding America back from achieving further greatness.  All hateful and evil.  All bent on ethnically cleansing the United States of America until all that remains are the privileged:  Those with white skin.

Only, it won’t stop there.  The only way vile pseudo-humans can feel okay about themselves is to belittle and oppress others while falsely inflating their single qualifying attribute, (like 45.)  It’s incredibly weak and evil.  Spoiler alert:  Once the brown people are gone, they’ll turn and come after you.  Do you have brown eyes?  Brown hair?  Freckles?  Maybe that means you’re not actually white.  They don’t use science to make these determinations, so it’s only a matter of time.

And all this evil is made possible by people who only stand up for what they think affects them directly.

It’s the American way.  Nazi’s are exterminating people in vast numbers in concentration camps?  Do we come storming to the rescue?  Fuck no.  We wait until a Divine Wind awakens the Sleeping (self-interested) Giant before we decide this is UNACCEPTABLE FUCKING behavior.  Still, think America is number one?  The world police?  Think again.  America is a fickle bitch who only helps when it’s profitable.  We value money over human life as a nation.  By a long fucking shot, too.  If you come between the rich and their god (money,) some of them will kill you for it.  Not with their own hands, mind you.  They’ll hire someone to do it on their behalf so they can continue pretending their elite.  Koch brothers?  Fucking evil pricks bent on killing the planet to get RICHER THAN THEY ALREADY FUCKING ARE NOW.  They’re enemies of life.  Die. in. a. fucking. fire. Koch. demons.

The only rich people who don’t deserve to perish in a fire are the ones who earned their wealth through success, not through conquest and loopholes.  Most are only rich because of inheritance, fraud, and theft.  They cheated.  They didn’t spend years training themselves to excel as an artist, scholar, inventor, etc.  They haven’t achieved anything.  They got their status for being born.  They got it by a fucking loophole.  They’re pampered and privileged and live in bubbles of unreality.  They don’t live in the real world and aren’t subject to real consequences or strife because their $god protects them.  From everything, including murder.

The sickest part is these loophole lottery winners rarely contribute to humanity in any way.  They don’t create.  They consume disproportionate resources.  They pollute more with their private jets and multiple McMansions.  They usually live and die unnoticed, having done nothing of note.  Most of them aren’t even happy in their perfect lives because they can’t trust anyone to love them sincerely.  Here’s a hint:  It’s because you bypassed the type of life that leads to good character.  You were too busy being pampered and elitist to deign to even speak to someone who isn’t worth a billion dollars, so you don’t know anyone who isn’t a human decoration with no purpose but to consume and look cute while doing it.  Sad!

It pisses me off because it’s such a waste.  What if  Einstein had a father like 45, and was rewarded for existing?  What if his potential was smothered with excess and sycophancy?  Those who put forth nothing and gain everything are a waste of oxygen, a bad example to those more impressionable than reasonable, and a drain on our planet’s resources with zero returns.  If a leech attaches to your body, you pull it off and shudder in disgust.  Why aren’t we doing the same with the parasites draining the lifeblood out of America?  I don’t understand why we continue jumping off the cliff like fucking lemmings.  The only way I can conjure an explanation is to accept the planet is rejecting homo sapiens as a species.

It would explain why we aid in our own murders.  Why we venerate our killers rather than annihilating them.  We as a nation are fucking pathetic because we usually don’t give a fuck until it hurts.  Short-sightedness, ignorance, and evil are steering humanity toward utter destruction.  We’re failing at survival because a few fuckwads want more wealth than they’ve already stolen.  It’s never enough because it doesn’t fill the void where their souls should be.  Instead of recognizing this, they just keep taking more.  Allowing them to continue is America’s shame and pending destruction.

If there is consciousness after death, and I highly doubt it, we’ll just use it to lament our pathetic failure to survive.  It’s easier to give up, surrender, look away, walk away, and pretend it’ll all go away if we do nothing.  We’re dying as a species because life took too much effort for some people to bother even trying to live honorably.  I’m starting to think it might be for the best.  When I see Nazi’s brutalizing citizens while openly brandishing weapons so powerful the police take cover, I think maybe homo sapiens is a virus, and the planet would be better off without us.

My protective nature is beginning to recognize the planet is more worthy of saving than we who are destroying it.  I’m starting to think I’ve wasted my life loving humans more than trees and seas.  I’m finding it harder to recognize our potential as a species because it’s buried under so much hate it can only be seen with faith.  Why?  Because a few are unbelievably evil, and for some reason, we don’t kill them for it.  We let them lay waste unmolested and pretend we couldn’t prevent it.  We all lose if we don’t stop them.  Our extinction event is set to be self-destruction.  No comets, aliens, or zombies necessary.