“Jessica, did you just fart?”

person eating cheetos

Some Apologies

I want to kick it off by apologizing to my favorite bloggers. I ghosted for like a month. I was inconsistent, which makes me anxious (so naturally, I assume it makes everyone uneasy.) I’m sorry I did that, and I’m working on not doing it again in the future. Starting today. (Also, I missed you. 🤫)

Next up, podcasters. I made the laziest list of podcasts immediately after telling everyone how much I love you. My bad. I’m working on creating a separate page to reflect my gratitude better. It will include studios, siblings, and a chart to indicate how I discovered you. (Thanks, Fran.) I’ll also design a system to show how friendly they are for neurodivergent people, and why. For example, The Friend Zone is the highest possible score for neurodivergent-friendly podcasting. It’s also an excellent starting podcast. The conversation is entirely spontaneous, yet they give precise instructions on how to do surprisingly useful things (mental wellness skills.)

You can see why elaborating on why I recommend them is helpful. (/over-explanation) I’m also sorry for the probability my writing about depression might invisibility-pinch people with severe depression. My depression is presently manageable (without non-medicinal intervention.) I already had therapy, and this is significant (because I probably whined about it without elaborating); even the *wrong therapist can be helpful.

Focus on the skills they teach and try not to let your ego ruin everything, like raisins. Quit them when you have enough skills to work on things at home. Repeat (with someone else) if/when necessary. (It’s one of the lessons to which I’m referring.) When I’m in crisis, such as during the nightmare preceding my ex-husbands’ (virtually) permanent incarceration, my depression dips low enough to include psychotic episodes.

muscular doll

It makes me seem intellectually challenged based on the feedback I’ve observed. I don’t smear feces on walls, as media portrays. I check out and run on autopilot scripted by dreams, TV shows I watched recently, conversations I overheard, and such with rules loosely similar to Dominoes. It’s like I’m locked in random access memory, and very little of it records onto my hard drive. So it’s possible I smeared feces and don’t remember it, but I have no evidence. Besides, media lies sometimes.

It sucked so much, but I can barely remember it from a non-robotic perspective. When I’m not in crisis, my depression is moderate, with challenging winters. Exercise is my best tool. I do know from experience how low depression can get: where you can’t muster the energy or skills necessary to off yourself, but can’t think of anything else, very slowly, between barely audible, involuntary moans. It’s where I got the saying, stapled to the floor. It’s a tribute to the people enduring severe depression so heroically, they somehow still managed to read my freakin’ blog. I see you. (I was there for a minute, and I’ll never forget.)

Dear comedians,

I’m sorry I tried to glom on to your privilege earned from getting paid to be funny. You are the comedian; I’m part of the audience. I can’t joke about things I know may hurt others because nobody is paying me to be funny. There is no meet-you-halfway bracing in anticipation of my dancing near or crossing the line with wild, professional abandon going on here. I didn’t think it through. I’m in awe of your abilities and much appreciate your healing talent. I’m sorry I overstepped the boundary.

(you know) 🥰

Person facing away

New Rule

Shame is banned. (Possibly canceled, but I’m not sure I understand the culture.) It’s a con against the human condition. I’m not privy to a single example where it was effective in any positive change. All it ever did was hurt people. What a piece of shit, right? Lay by your bowl forever, Shame. If that’s even your real name, (she added, further proving she’s not a comedian by chasing it with a self-inflicted snort.)

Interesting Stuff

Jesus wept is my favorite line in the Holy Bible. It’s my mantra as I exorcise all traces of hypermasculinity out of me. (I hope it’s not cultural appropriation. I’m still playing catch-up.) In some ways, I copy all the teachers who attract my attention. Jesus didn’t let anyone talk him out of being human to feed imaginary pride. Those two words say it so succinctly. 💜✌🏽

*-Wrong such as; the therapist is going through a crisis without heal-thyself abilities, you brought in oversized luggage, inexperience, personality barriers, are ist/ōbic, suck at it, or stuff I haven’t imagined yet.

“The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.”

light through the forest

Confession: I recently returned from a recreational, medical mini-vacation in Denver. I partook of a new-to-me product that consists of 1:1 CBD and THC (hybrid) via a disposable vape. It was perfect for my body chemistry. I felt terrific without feeling mentally hazy. Two hits every two hours for two days, and now I can hold my head up without crying from the effort required. Yay so hard. I’m free of a challenging round of depression, and I feel like myself again. This round was the creepy kind, where I don’t feel emotional despair, but my body behaves as if I’m completely devastated.

(The despair bit came first, and I got through it before the physical part hit, so it feels wicked out of sync. I can’t even multitask with depression sometimes. At least it’s funny.)

On top of that, the Depression Goggles were stuck on my face, and I couldn’t get them off. Every thought was dripping with negativity. It was so obviously skewed I didn’t fall for the lies, at first. Then they started wearing me down with constant repetition. Yo, Explosive Rage, this is your queue. (I hate that guy.) I caught myself yelling at an app for possessing a bug feature. I’m pretty sure anyone who ever created an app is no longer allowed to personify them to this degree. Sigh. (Okay, dear universe, I see it — red flag.) 🙃

So anyway, that sucked. I feel so much better; I’m giddy. Part of it is because I’m home. It’s astonishing how much I hate leaving my apartment. I recently showed up two hours early (my bad) for a dental appointment. I set a new record for length of time spent in a crowded waiting room with a loud TV and more than one lively conversation taking place. Worse, I sat between a couple who were trying to invite me to join their discussion. I made a valiant effort and hung in there for over an hour. Then I very awkwardly rescheduled and hauled ass out of there before my breathing revealed my leaking panic.

pug peeking

I have to look at it as a heroic attempt and stamina building exercise. It’s a feat of strength every single time I enter the VA building. Instead of feeling shame for wasting an appointment slot, I insist on viewing it as an unscheduled break for my dentist and assistant. (If I spent that much time hustling around between rooms, my feet would cry.) They’re both delightful people with excellent bedside manner. I’ve only had one evil dentist in my entire life. Every other one has been awesome. Yay. I have a long way to go to fix my smile.

When I’m myself, I smile a lot. I smile at everyone I encounter whose energy doesn’t repel me. It’s rare when I feel immediately frightened in someone’s presence, but when I do, I always know which way to run, or what to do if I’m trapped. Thanks, Army. Fair warning: If I encounter any human deliberately harming another human, I will intervene on their behalf with a ferociousness intended to scar. My journey so far has gathered a lot of furies I’m holding in abeyance for just such an opportunity to unleash with wild abandon. Also, I’m convinced this is the strategy of my entire massively intersectional tribe. Step accordingly. 😐

Almost caught up to the present with My Favorite Murder podcast. Do you know how every so often you encounter a person you feel you’ve identified with your entire life? It’s happened to me three times before discovering Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. They’re as different as Beyoncé and Solange, yet both feel like they’ve known me forever. WTF? Whatever, I love it. Karen is a wee bit younger than me, and Georgia a whole lot. I get all Karen’s references, which rocks because she’s so funny. Georgia thinks so quickly; it feels viscerally exciting to listen to her talk. (Like Crissle!)

She processes what Karen says, and begins responding (often hilariously) before I finish hearing. (!!!) I’m usually a moment behind, which makes the humor a surprise I only caught on the second internal pass. It results in that laughter that shoots out of you before you can apply any filters. (Like what Dustin Ross does to The Friend Zone podcast ecosystem every week. 🤭) I’m reasonably sure podcasts are a significant factor in overcoming that last round of depression. Listening as often as I could drown out the negative distortions on repeat in my head. I’m so thankful. 🙃 I’m off to bond with Amelia B and Tallulah. I missed them so much. 💜✌🏽

p.s. Freelance Lover by Syleena Johnson is my new favorite song. (Thanks, Dustin.)

“Who’s Justice Beaver?”

cat peeking out from behind pillows
Amelia B

I finally made it to my dental appointment.  It took a while for me to grok the victory.  But once I did, I was no longer stapled to the floor from massive energy depletion.  It’s embarrassing how quickly I felt better by merely adjusting my perspective.  Now I have to acknowledge how much shit I’ve made harder by picking a viewpoint without benefits. Welp.  May as well skip the regret (because who has time to double down on mistakes?)

Did you see Dr. Keia from Gettin Grown podcast on The Read tv show? (!!!)  More importantly, did you hear her?  I got chills.  Then I rewatched it several times until M confiscated the remote.  (It kept repeating the same ad.)  I can’t remember the last time I ran in place while pointing at the TV and squeeing.  🙃  (Oh, yeah.  Homecoming.  😆)

I installed some acoustic panels in my apartment to get rid of the echo (or something.)  The sound didn’t behave properly before, and now it does.  Thanks, YouTube.  It feels like I made a drastic change, but it was easy.  My ears don’t get fatigued anymore if that makes sense.  I can listen to everything at a lower volume and not miss dialogue or lyrics.  I got them in white squares, and now I know the difference between white and eggshell.  Sigh.

Warcraft Shadowlands Bastion

Oh well.  It’s not like I have a strict design theme to maintain.  😂  I’m still laughing at the two years of my life I spent pretending to be a minimalist.  (I was a don’t-you-dare-open-anything-with-a-door-ist.)  I spent a lot of time taking crappy photos of my space while feeling superior to other consumers for no reason.  All it accomplished was a mild complex about opening closets.  I was over it the second it dawned on me.  Now my theme is whatever makes me smile.

I’m still listening to The Chain by Evanescence repeatedly.  I made a playlist with that, and four versions by Fleetwood Mac, (including a live recording.)  Fleetwood Mac’s original release of The Chain is one of the first songs I learned to play by ear on the drums.  It forced me to focus on the beat, not on listening to the band.  I play along with the new version using an orchestral kit, which is fun.  I love the reinterpretation.  Amy Lee is so fabulous.  I’d trust Pink and Kelly Clarkson to do a Fleetwood Mac song reinterpretation, too.

I upgraded my Warcraft account, including preordering Shadowlands.  I got a free level boost to 120, but I can’t do it.  It would take the fun out of it.  (I still have two unused 110’s.)  I reached level 114 the last time I played.  The anniversary experience buff is welcome.  All my skills are low all over again, and I still think archaeology blows compared to farming, but whatever.  Plenty to work on over the winter.  I’m not pleased about the dogs and cats that keep wandering into fights only to die, though, Blizzard.  Not cool, yo.  Time to hire a company psychologist, eh?  I’m off to play zoomed-in, (so I don’t accidentally murder cat-shaped pixels.)  💜✌🏽

“I have another complaint for Jim’s permanent file.”

decorative toys and stuffies

I had a fun Halloween.  I dressed up as a sloth and passed out candy very slowly to trick-or-treaters.  I suspect some of the kids didn’t recognize I was role-playing and thought I was just old.  Heh.  (A few got impatient and went to another apartment, then returned when I broke character after noticing it only amused me.)  The kids were loud, excited, and adorable.  I liked having their energy breeze through.

I couldn’t figure out how to take a selfie while masked.  🤪  M invited me to join him at a party, but the theme included the word haunted or horror.  We both started laughing after he asked.  I’ve never been wired to appreciate the thrill of being scared.  Epigenetics, yo.  I’m a wee bit jealous of the people who can participate in such things (without crying.) I have my Blu-rays of Us and Get Out that I won’t be watching, ever. (I bought them to support Jordan Peele.)

I haven’t even watched American Horror Story, and Stevie Nicks is in it. (!!!) (M said that alone proves it’s epigenetics.)  😂  My mind is running all over the place.  I’m officially a Lizzo fan.  I loved her immediately.  I find out about new-to-me artists from my favorite podcasts lately.  My introduction to American Griots, by Louis York, was terrific.  They performed a song on The Friend Zone podcast, and it was ear candy.  I preordered the album immediately after.  (It’s so good!)

neon sign stating, it was all a dream

XD, from Jade and XD, created a unisex fragrance, called, D’Leau.  I ordered some, and in the process, created two scents of my own.  Both M and I are in love with D’Leau.  It’s officially my favorite at this time.  However, the ones I created reek.  (It turns out; I suck at it.) Fortunately, I don’t care because I have D’Leau.  😆  I’ve had two people ask me about it so far (and you know I don’t get out much.)  😂

It’s World of Warcraft’s 15th anniversary.  I’ve been playing on and off for eleven years now.  I have no plans of quitting, although I did have an unfortunate incident the other day. I was soloing a dungeon from The Burning Crusade, and some toon assassin appeared from thin air behind me.  It scared the shit out of me, and I nearly had a panic attack.  I took a three-day break, then got right back in there and reran it, this time on the heroic setting.

It still startled me when I triggered the assassin again, but I didn’t panic.  I just stood there and let the bastard try to kill my toon until I got bored, then ended him with nonchalance.  (I’m a level 110 tank, and he was level 80 or something.)  I’m so glad Blizzard allows us to travel back to lower level areas to exact revenge.  I don’t do it often, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis I usually have a blast.  I’m going to upgrade because they’re releasing a new expansion next year.  It’ll probably take me that long to reach level 120.  Heh.  I’m off to play.  💜✌🏽

p.s.  Missy Elliot was on The Read TV show on Fuse!!!

“Pam, I’m public speaking. Stop public interrupting me.”

new magnet

I had a good week.  I don’t think I cried the whole time.  (Probably a record.)  I did smash my fingers in the sliding doors, but I’m fine now.  I’ve been cautious about closing it ever since.  Before this, I cleaned the track and put WD-40 on it, but my muscle memory didn’t get the memo.  It was crawling around on the floor, making up new swear words, painful, but it didn’t leave a mark the next day.  (Based on the pain, it seems like a finger should have fallen off or something, but I’m not complaining.)

I got a new vacuum cleaner, recently.  It’s so much better than the last one I killed; I enjoy using it.  (Shark Navigator DLX.)  I think it might survive at least a year, which is impressive for a home with a cat.  Amelia B is a fur factory.  I didn’t know I was a cat person until I got one.  (In fact, I was quite convinced I was not a cat person.) I’ve decided it’s because my cat thinks she’s a dog.  (She’s great at fetch except for bringing it ba  nm.)

I loved listening to Loren Bouchard on 3 Questions with Andy Richter podcast this week.  I’m even more a fan now that I’ve heard him share his passion for his craft.  He’s fascinating and did an excellent job of answering the questions and expounding on them.  I watched the first few episodes of Home Movies again recently on the Adult Swim app.  I also love Bob’s Burgers, and Lucy, Daughter of the Devil.

Solange and new Funkos

For a long time, I could only watch animation or anime TV shows.  Anything with suspense, graphic violence, sirens, etc. was too triggering, but I was okay with shows like King of the Hill, Family Guy, The Simpsons, The Boondocks, etc.  Adult Swim and The Cartoon Network helped me get through some tough times and lots of insomnia.  Loren Bouchard mentioned it’s because cartoons enter our brains differently than live-action.

It explains why I can play World of Warcraft, but don’t enjoy hyper-realistic, violent games.  I love Blizzard for creating a playful world where I can feel powerful without harming others, or go fishing or fly around looking at the scenery.  When I struggle in an area of the game, I go back when I’m several levels higher and lay waste like Daenerys Targaryan over King’s Landing.  (Harmless retribution feels fabulous when the monsters that used to kill your toon die from a single blow.)

I discovered listening to audiobooks is perfect for me.  I cleaned my apartment yesterday while listening to a new novel, and realized it was even more satisfying than reading.  I don’t have to worry about staying in a weird position for too long while engrossed anymore.  Yay.  (It will also be useful when depression overwhelms, and I can’t hold my head up long enough to read.)


I figured out the camera flash, this time.  🤭 I followed The Office Ladies podcast, of course.  I love podcasts that talk about TV shows with which I’m obsessed (InsecuriTea podcast for insecure and Jade and XD for several shows.)  I’m thrilled I’m able to watch live-action TV shows again, but more so when I can listen to people also invested in the story discuss what took place.  (Geekster paradise.)  I’m off to wind down for the day.  ✌🏽💜