“Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.”

I’m having a shitty night.  I just told M. to get the hell out.  I have another kidney stone.  Every time it moves the pain becomes so intense I make involuntary sounds.  I breathe loudly and moan every so often (without my consent.)

It comes and goes in waves.  When the pain subsides, it leaves me feeling drained.  Rinse and repeat until the damn thing passes.  I’m sipping cranberry juice and water between waves.  Good times.  It’s nothing new and nothing to freak out over.  (Especially when you’re not the one experiencing the pain.)

M. suggested I go to the ER.  I told him no, I don’t want to make this experience more miserable than it is already.  I think it may have offended him since he’s a medical professional.  Sigh.

Later, when the pain returned, M. repeated his suggestion. (!!!) I told him he should go sleep at his apartment because this is probably going to continue all night, and I won’t change my mind.  Then he went into doctor mode and started telling me he knows what’s best.

I could feel my blood pressure rising.  M. said he doesn’t understand why I won’t utilize medical care when I should be thankful I’m fortunate enough to have it when lots of people don’t.  (I was curled in the fetal position on the floor, doing something like Lamaze breathing to deal with the pain.)

I crawled to my desk and gave him a thumb drive copy of my VA medical records, dating back to when I got out of the Army.  I (too loudly) told him to read them if he wants to know why I’m not going to the (expletive) ER.  Then I told him to get out.

I regret I was brusk, but I was also preoccupied.  My medical records are a fascinating read.  I’m probably going to publish them as part of a dissertation on racism in the medical field.  It’s a surprisingly thick file considering all it honestly says is, the patient is black and doesn’t count, over and over again.

I’m so lucky to have medical coverage, she said through clenched teeth.


Do you know how hard it’s getting to tell people I know you?

I’m having a decent day.  I made a big decision.  I’ve decided not to seek medical care in the future.  As a service connected, disabled veteran, I’m entitled to health care at the VA Medical Center.  I’m also still on the health plan for my software company. (I no longer work there, but I still own 50%.)  I’ve never used it.  In the past, I’ve gotten all my care at the VA.  I’m no longer willing to put myself through the experience.  I’m hoping this will make the nightmares stop.  At least the VA nightmares.  I’m confident it will work as I usually have them the night before an appointment, or if I’m having an episode of depression.

When depressed, my mind recalls every terrifying or soul crushing experience from my life and plays them back like a really fucked up movie.  Good times.  All my life I’ve bent over backward to avoid stepping on others.  It’s my default, and so it shall remain.  I know I’m naive.  I don’t see it changing at this point.  I acquire more information, but my mind still processes thoughts from a compassionate viewpoint.  I value life.  It hurts to care.  But pain is the only negative consequence I’ve discovered.

Seeking medical care is a nightmare for me, every single time.  It’s illogical to subject myself to trauma when I have a choice.  I’m tired of the astonishing ignorance of some medical professionals, who in 2017, still believe African Americans don’t experience pain as strongly as Caucasians.  It taught me how to cope with physical pain intense enough to render me semi-conscious.  It taught me to be wary.  It taught me never to rely on medication I can’t purchase at a convenience store.  It proved my military service doesn’t count because I have a vagina and brown skin.  I’m no longer willing to enter such a hostile environment.

I realize I’m shortening my lifespan by this decision.  I have a week of medication remaining, both for depression and hypertension.  Eight days, to be exact.  Prozac has a long half-life.  It will stay in my system for a while, but as my body transitions, I’ll have the random brain zaps from quitting cold turkey.  Honestly, when I consider how long I’ve taken it, that’s getting off incredibly easy.  I know you’re not supposed to quit a beta blocker cold turkey, but oh well.  My body can handle it.  I’ve had hypertension since I was a child.  I sincerely believe it’s a physiological reaction to my environment.  It’s like White Coat Syndrome on steroids.  When I’m running, my blood pressure is lower than when I’m walking into the VA.  I eventually refused to have my blood pressure checked at the VA.  It’s like checking for a fever while in a sauna.

The positive changes will include a return to writing poetry and songs.  Prozac stifles creativity in a noticeable way.  It’s probably why a lot of famous artists and writers die from suicide.  The tortured artist is such an accurate term.  Creativity has a cost and usually exacts its toll in tears.  I entered a poetry contest when I was a Private (PFC) in the Army.  It was the first and last contest I entered.  I won first prize, and it deeply disappointed me.  It wasn’t my best poem, just my latest when I entered.  It wasn’t very good.  For it to get first place depressed the shit out of me.  My Commander was excited I won, and I was in The Army Times, and the newspaper at home.  I didn’t go to the ceremony in D.C.  I stopped writing altogether for a few years.

While on Prozac, it’s rare I’m inspired to write a poem.  I’m looking forward to being a tortured artist again.  At least it’s the type of torture I can endure.  I’m getting ready to go on vacation.  I’m in the planning stage (which usually lasts as long as the vacation.)  I probably enjoy the planning more than the vacation most times, but I’m aiming to have a lot of fun this time.  Off to the whiteboard.

Hello, Newman.

I’m still working on the song in my head.  I got distracted trying out different drum kits and creating them with my own sounds.  I created one of nothing but sounds my cat makes.  Because I can, that’s why.  Also, because getting my cat to do anything nine times merits documentation.  You never know when having… I can’t even type the rest of that thought with a straight face.  Now that 45’s attempt to repeal the ACA failed, I suppose I should end my healthcare boycott and reschedule the mammogram and annual appearance with my shrink.  It’s a shitty victory party, but I’ll add a slice of chocolate cake afterward to make it better.

Now that I’ve fully surrendered to adulthood by becoming politically informed and active, I think from a far larger perspective.  I’m a citizen of earth.  I recognize my responsibility to the planet.  I understand survival.  In the biggest picture (the only one that matters), the validity of my existence is heavily contingent on my aiding millennials in reaching their potential.  It’s logical which means it’s easy for me to accept.  Fortunately, it still allows me to enjoy what’s left of my lifespan.  It’s not a burden, it’s an imperative truth for those who want homo sapiens to survive and thrive as a species.  Evolution is a slow process in comparison to a human lifespan.  It’s essentially nonexistent in those terms.  It’s easy to forget how fragile we are as a species.  I’m guessing cutting the CDC’s budget will become a potent reminder.  45 is bad for humanity.

My blood pressure spiked when Sessions ignored the question about the white terrorist who killed an African American recently.  Sessions is a racist who lied under oath with no repercussions as the fucking Attorney General.  His appointment to the position is likely more about his willingness to conspire with Putin than his overt racism, though.  Clearly, if you’re willing to sell America out to Putin, you’re White House material, now.  It’s Bizarro World.  I finally got the explanation I can accept regarding 45’s supporters.  From Psychology Today, of all places!

“The knowledge and intelligence that are required to be good at a task are often the same qualities needed to recognize that one is not good at that task — and if one lacks such knowledge and intelligence, one remains ignorant that one is not good at the task. This includes political judgment.”

In my own words, you can’t comprehend what you can’t comprehend.  It’s #MuslimWomensDay.  I’ve been reading poetry written by Muslim women for hours (I don’t work on Mondays).  I like being reminded we’re all so much alike, despite our diversity.  The family I lived with in Saudi were no different than my ‘weekend family’ in Germany, or my Panamanian American family, Korean American family, or Mexican American family.  I acquired so many families in my travels because they made me feel like I was at home.  They showed me we all basically want the same thing; what’s best for the children.  It’s our inherent desire for survival as a species.  I’m off to read more poems.

Those are my everyday balloons.

From this day forth, the walking orange boil growing on the white house shall be known as 45.


The visual reference is not my design, and the designer is unknown.  If you know, please state the artist in comments.  I’m astonished and saddened by what I see in America today.  So many who supported and voted for 45 are about to lose affordable access to healthcare.  Most of them have less than $1000 in savings if any.  Most of America would be devastated by the loss of a single months income.  How many have families who can help out financially in a crisis?  For how long?  When so many Americans are struggling to make ends meet, and living paycheck to paycheck, I wonder at the value of a beautiful three bedroom two bathroom house.  Who will be in the market to buy property when the majority are in debt?  What is the value of all the updates and work you’ve done over decades to increase the value of your home when so many others did the same thing with the same expectations?

I’ve never believed in land ownership.  It astonishes me that people think they can own land.  In reality, you can buy land, but you can’t own it.  The government has the option of defending the land we call America.  The military is capable.  Civilians feel confident about purchasing plots of dirt because they think the government will enforce the laws that protect ownership.  They see it as an investment.  They’re deluded, but they were lead on by thousands before them.  If you can’t physically defend the dirt you bought, it’s not yours.  It’s only yours as long as you can prevent someone else from taking it.

While we all stand by and watch 45 arrogantly break the laws and constitution of our government, while railing against the legal system, please pay attention.  Pay attention to how the built-in checks and balances perform.  Are they keeping the three branches of government in check?  Or is 45 the only power remaining?  Do our elected representatives use their position to protect our rights and interests, or are they filling their own pockets while emptying ours?  There are a lot of people in congress who only represent their wallet and personal image.  They don’t give a flying fuck about their constituents.  We’re an inconvenient annoyance they can easily ignore.  Watch how they respond to their constituents when they’re angry.  Do they speak with them, and seek strategies to represent the people better?  Or do they hire security and turn off their phones?  When is the last time you saw your representative?  Do you think they work for you?

Do you think your representatives are living paycheck to paycheck, and are about to lose access to affordable health care?  Don’t be silly.  My House Rep. makes $174,000/year (before bribes).  The median income for my state is $48,000/year.  They all have excellent health care.  We pay for theirs, but they don’t even want to allow ours to be affordable.  I bet they have more than $1000 in savings, too.  They aren’t worried about the mortgage, or the fact that they owe more than their home is worth.  Many of them own property in the D.C. area in addition to their homes in our states.  They aren’t making minimum wage, but many of them are fighting to keep minimum wage below the poverty line.  Who the fuck do they represent?

I vomited when Betsy DeVos was appointed.  I’m still in shock.  It’s comparable to appointing Bernie Madoff as Secretary of Treasury.  The woman is an ignoramus of astonishing proportions.  She was concerned about all the bears invading public schools.  Have you ever heard of a bear invading a school?  Not even on Little House on the Prairie.  She’s in charge of education.  She bought the position by donating to 45’s campaign.  It’s called a bribe.  Remember when 45 proudly proclaimed he paid for his campaign?  It was bullshit, much like every other word that exits his facial anus.  He lied to ignorant people, and they believed him.  They still believe him.  They get all their information from Fox News.  Rupert Murdoch owns Fox News.  The same Rupert Murdoch who had a meeting with 45 to discuss the content of Fox News.

Fox News will only show what 45 wants his flock to know.  They’re not allowed to watch other news channels.  It’s forbidden because 45 said it’s fake news.  So they continue feeding on his lies and think it’s truth.  They believe they’re behaving like Christians by blindly thinking what 45 tells them to think.  They haven’t caught on yet that 45 is going to fuck them.  He’s going to fuck them so hard.  Many of them are going to die before 45 finishes fucking them.  They are going to die for 45’s lies.  I know I’m supposed to feel self-righteous, or something, but I don’t.  I don’t feel good about the fact that so many who support 45 are going to suffer for it.  I feel sick about it.  I don’t want them to come to harm.  I want to protect them, even though I know they don’t care about me.

It would be easy to write them off and adopt a careless attitude.  Turning my back would be simple.  But that would be so weak.  It would be pathetic to feel joy over someone else’s pain.  That’s the mindset of a loser.  I’m not a loser.  I care about humans.  They matter to me.  I want our species to survive and expand throughout the galaxy and beyond.  You’d think most people would want this same goal, but I seem to be in the minority.  The majority are only concerned with getting by.  Shortsightedness is an enemy of the future.  It’s a symptom of being owned.  I had time to wrap my head around the concept of being owned by my government when I served in the military.  It’s a painful recognition process.  Most Americans don’t know they’re owned.  It’s a comfortable state of denial that’s about to get desperately uncomfortable for those who are living paycheck to paycheck.

I can’t find any joy in knowing my neighbors are being fucked over by the people they voted into office to protect their interests.  Their crime was ignorance.  You don’t punish ignorance, you educate it.  Unfortunately, 45 is the puppet of evil.  He’s a willing participant in the rape of America.  He’s not the first rapist or the second.  His strings are being pulled by evil men hiding in the shadows.  They hide because they’re ashamed of their insatiable greed.

They’re terrified of We the People.  Did you see Betsy DeVos rush to her SUV while We the People chanted shame?  She was terrified.  She knows her appointment is evil.  She hides behind the Christian card, like so many others.  DeVos knows if she associates herself with Christianity, she can do whatever she wants, and the American slaves will cheer.  But just in case we don’t cheer loudly enough, 45 will round up all the non-Christian slaves, and remove them.

If you don’t believe me, ask yourself why Border Patrol agents need to know someone’s religion before they can enter our nation.  Our country that was allegedly founded on religious freedom.  Those pilgrims who fled here from England to practice their religion, rather than the mandatory Church of England.  To reject Muslims based on their being Muslims is evil.  Evil.

There is no such thing as a billionaire Christian.  It’s an oxymoron.  The act of being a billionaire defies Christianity.  There is no way to reconcile hoarding a billion dollars while humans on the same planet are dying from starvation.  This is a simple fact.  Bill and Melinda Gates are not professed Christians.  They’re decent people.  They believe in humanity and goodness and live what they believe.  They don’t think they’re obligated to give but do anyway.  They give more than money, too.

But they are still billionaires on a planet where people die every day from starvation.  Decent is not the same as Christian.  I respect both, but I’m clear on the difference.  Jesus was clear in the Holy Bible as well.

I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

You’ve seen a needle and a camel.  You get the gist.  It’s not rocket science.  I’m more inclined to believe this:

Books of ancient riddles and other peoples lives, used to control the masses.  Read between the lies.

I believe religion exists to control the masses.  Beyond that, my thoughts about religion are opinions.  As an American, I protect the right for other Americans to choose what they believe within the law.  Unlike sexuality, religion is a choice.  If Americans continue to abuse this right, I will continue to fight them.  Extremists claim to be Muslim or Christian to further their agenda, but their actions disprove this.  Extremists are violent and hateful.  They refuse to accept anyone’s view but their own and want to kill anyone who disagrees.  Extremists are expendable.  But Muslims and Christians are not.  Catholics are not.  Mormons are not.  Scientologists are hostages but are not expendable.  Extremists are terrorists.  They look like humans, but they are the enemy of life and our future.

Extremists kill people.  They usually find elaborate excuses to justify their actions, but it’s always bullshit.  Killing people is wrong.  Killing leads to more killing. There are over seven billion reasons why killing is wrong.  Many who are expendable are unaware of their status because they buy their own justifications.  I’m happy to share what I know.  I am aware that the GOP and 45 want to repeal Obamacare/ACA first, then think of a replacement.  Why would that matter to them?  I believe they know exactly how many Americans will die without affordable healthcare.  They know exactly which Americans will die, too.

First, they eliminate the most vulnerable.  The disabled, sick,  and elderly who depend on medication to live.  We can’t wait for the GOP to get around to writing a new affordable healthcare plan.  Not only because we know they have no intentions of doing any such thing, but because we’ll die when we run out of medication we can’t afford to purchase.  We can’t afford to buy it because it’s rare when we can find and maintain gainful employment.  (If you think Social Security disability insurance will cover both food and medication, you’re mistaken.  When they take away Social Security, eating and medicine go with it.)  It’s rare because businesses tend to avoid hiring disabled people.  They tend to avoid it because they’re ignorant of what some of us have to contribute, and would rather we were all invisible.  We’re an easy target, and the script was conveniently assembled and tested by the Nazi’s.

Eugenics is inevitable on an overcrowded planet ruled by greed.  The GOP usually hates science, but when it comes to eugenics, they’re fine with exceptions.  The alleged richest nation on earth doesn’t have enough money to allow disabled, elderly, and sickly to continue living.  But spends trillions on the military.  They know the average American is too lazy to read.  Journalists have been reporting scandals and corruption all along, but they require readers.  The government doesn’t want Americans to be informed.  Reading leads to discovering information they’d rather we didn’t know.  They have a lot to hide from the American public.  A lot.

After we die off (and don’t worry, it won’t take long), they’ll move on to the next step.  I’ll be dead, so of course, this shouldn’t concern me.  But I can’t help it.  I care.  I’m upset that a lot of 45’s supporters are going to die sooner because 45 tricked them.  I hate that type of behavior.  I get all protective when I see my neighbors getting fucked over.  I literally put my life on the line to keep Americans safe.  I served my country, unlike 45.  He only takes.  He’s not a giving person.  He won’t even pay his fucking bills.  He worships gold.  It distracts him from the fact that he’s a worthless piece of shit and a loser of epic proportions.

If I were as big a loser as 45, I’d resign, knowing it would be my first real act of public service.

You know a muffin can be very filling.

I’m stressed out.  I did a lot of talking on the phone this week, and it exhausts me.  It also makes me anxious.  If you told me a year ago I’d be calling Paul Ryan to leave a message begging him not to fuck with the ACA, I would have looked for the nearest exit to escape your talking to me.  Fortunately, Full Frontal starts again on Wednesday.  It’s the only news I watch on TV.  Religiously.  All other information comes from the internet, and my blacklist of news sites is growing.  Apple insists on putting Fox News in their news feed, even though I made every possible effort to ensure nothing they spew ever penetrates my bullshit deflector.  Delete.

I watched a marathon of Will and Grace in dedication to Debbie Reynolds.  It was delightful, but the commercials were offputting.  I looked at a commercial by South Beach Diet, in which they show the same person in a photo beside them while they lie to us about losing upwards of 10 pounds.  The only difference is the lighting and the facial expression.  If anything, they gained a few pounds.  Why does South Beach Diet think I’m dumb?  What did I ever do to them?  Fuck South Beach Diet.  Go sit next to the liars who swore they got an iPhone for $10 on Deal Dash: The Honest Bidding Site®.  You’re on time out for implying I’m gullible and dumb.  You suck.  Announcing you’re an honest site is a red flag on earth.  The memo was widely circulated.  Get off my TV!

I’m dumping cable.  I’m not putting up with Hulu+ and their money grab to get rid of their commercials, either.  I’m not paying more to stream a season than it costs to buy it on BluRay.  I’m not watching any more fucking commercials.  You blew it.  You got too greedy and treated us like shit.  I just eliminated your influence from my world.  $10 for an iPhone??  Fuck you!  America is not dumb.  We’re distracted.  We’re working our asses off for a pittance while the stockholder’s hoard all the fake money.  It doesn’t leave a lot of time for reflection.  You know?  That time-consuming activity where you examine your world under a magnifying glass and shore up the flaws, as well as able?  That.  There’s not a lot going on when people are tired and just want to relax and get some sleep before starting over the next day.

That’s not an excuse, it’s explanation.  Recall the scenario above, and meet that American worker for breakfast.  While you consume your eggs together, tell that American they’re dumb.  Then sit there and deal with the consequences.  Imagine based on what life has taught you so far.  I’ll help.  I imagine if that person is male you’re about to experience being punched in the face.  If that person is a woman, you’re about to experience being punched in the face.  If that person is genderless, you know the drill.  This is a literal imagining, but my point is this is exactly what telling someone they are dumb causes that person to ponder before remembering they’re an adult.  This was an easy one.  We all got it right.  Don’t call people stupid.  It fucks with their ability to remain rational.  It’s mean.  You hate it when people are mean to you for being you.  I hate it too!  It’s fucked up!  Humans do not like to be fucked with.  This is universal.

More specifically, stop calling Americans who voted dumb.  They did what they were supposed to do.  They voted for who they thought was the best option.  Okay, that’s almost correct…  Some Americans rage voted this time.  They’re shocked he won too.  The one time they lashed out this happens.  Holy shit.  I get it.  Some Americans watch Fox News.  I don’t need to expand on that.  The point is, very few of them did it to hurt you in any way.  Those few will be sure to identify themselves numerous times.  Give the rest of America a break and stop kicking them when they’re down, even if they don’t know they’re down yet.  It’s hard to admit to being wrong.  Harder when the people you hurt in being wrong are the Americans we’ve failed repeatedly.  The individuals who are forced to get by on Social Security are not a threat to anyone, let alone the rich bastards who are crying foul over their privilege of poverty.  That’s sick.  If you can’t muster compassion for impoverished people who aren’t able to work, and would rather they died, you’re not human.  This planet is not for you.  Please find the nearest exit.