“No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.”

Off Switch

I accomplished a great deal yesterday. Today, I’ve barely managed to pull off the mandatory tasks. I squeaked by with incredible effort. I can’t believe it’s early evening. I feel it should be around 2 PM at the latest. So much for my plan to turn in early tonight.

My off switch has never worked properly. Once I’m engaged in a task, it’s difficult to stop. I’d like to believe I have a bit of control over it, despite evidence to the contrary. I haven’t definitively determined what triggers it to become worse. Not even close. I have two hypotheses; both discouraging. Sigh.

I love being completely absorbed in what I’m doing. It’s like stepping out of time, letting go of everything, including my body, and focusing only on what I’m doing. Leaving that state makes me want to weep. But I’ve accepted I must, often. Not doing so often enough is the equivalent of living under a rock.

I’ve learned it’s not the way I want to exist, much as I love it. It murders my ability to socialize, for starters. (I’m always going to regret not finding out about Stevie Nicks sooner.) There are excellent reasons to check in with the rest of the world on a regular basis, and I’m absolutely interested.

The thing is, acknowledging the world outside my head is borderline sadistic. There’s a shitload of pain out here, and I’m unshielded. I don’t have the experience in coping necessary to navigate without rivers of tears; so I tend to retreat when I sense I’m failing and have no clue what I’m doing wrong. (I despise that feeling.)

My decision to attend a Fleetwood Mac or Stevie Nicks concert in the future is turning out to be an effective retreat deterrent. (At least when it’s voluntary.) I need to stay connected, so I’ll know when they go on tour. I already had the terrible, awful nightmare where I discover I missed out because I was too distracted to get tickets. I woke up and immediately began bawling like it really happened. I’m such a doof. Heh. But it was horrible!

I’m going to work out a new time management strategy. I keep adding new things, but there are still only 24 hours in a day. My bad. This is my reward for bragging about my math skills, eh? The universe is hilarious (sometimes.) I’m off to read.

“I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It’s like asking them to donate a kidney.”

Radioactive doll

I’m closer to mastering The Art of Not Making It Weird.  I’m ready to graduate from Just Because You Think It, Doesn’t Mean You Should Say It 101.  I believe the next course is, Yay, You Didn’t Say It! Now Stop LOLing Over It; It’s Still Weird.  Effing sigh.  (My prodigy turned 13.)

I suspect I hurt the feelings of someone I care about a great deal.  I did it unintentionally because I was masking intentionally.  Sometimes, rather than admitting I’m unable to do a task without significant clarification and assistance, I seek an alternative.

Sometimes, I don’t find one before stressing out over how long I’ve spent searching.  In those instances, I usually just go silent and add the stress to the pile of things that make my stomach hurt until I figure out how to discharge them.

Then I low-level analyze.  It’s how I recognized where I probably went wrong.  I also noticed I had an underlying shameful motivation.  Part of why I chose an alternative is because I was subconsciously (?) upset someone (whom I decided should just know without my saying a word) didn’t see it as something I couldn’t do without the patient assistance of another.  (I hate asking for help with things I think I should be able to do on my own.  Issue #29078145.)

Yep.  Hella audacious of me.  I brought luggage to the situation, and it’s led to hurt feelings.  😶  I don’t want to be an adult right now.  I just want to cry it out, then apologize, and hide for a while.  But I don’t even know if it’s appropriate to apologize for something I’m merely intuiting (assuming.)  (Glares at the center of the universe.)

You know, being an adult usually isn’t worth being able to have animal crackers and Mt. Dew for breakfast.  Even worse, you can only do it every so often, or the bill comes due, and the interest is hellacious.  I’m stuck.  I’m going to listen to Lorde and figure out what to do.

p.s.  My band doesn’t have a name yet.

“So, Elaine. Are you going to dance this year?”

Beautiful and alive

I’d like to take a moment to share something important to me.  I’m surprised it’s come up, but at least now I know I need to do this.  If you encounter someone dancing to an internal rhythm, the proper etiquette is to stop what you’re doing, pick up the beat, and join in.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a good dancer.  Be cool enough to dance, anyway.  The only way you can fail at this experience is to stand there and stare as if you’re new, (on earth.)  Bob your head and move your feet, spin your wheelchair if you have one, or something.  Bust the moves you’ve been practicing for years in front of the mirror alone in your room.

It’s proper because you’re answering the unspoken question;  You’re saying, “Yes, I’m beautiful and alive.”  It’s one of those things I don’t feel comfortable saying with words, (because I was raised to fear hippies.)  So if you were previously unaware of this bit of human language, now you know.  You’re welcome.  Tell a friend.

I’ll let you imagine the scenario that led to this nano-rant.  🙃  I’m super excited because I get to play drums with other musicians tomorrow.  I’m bringing my violin, just in case.  (I know, but I’d be so sad if for once it was welcome and I didn’t have it.)

I’d better take a Benadryl tonight, or I won’t sleep.  I got a contract at work to create a custom AI with precise parameters.  I can’t say what, which is unfortunate because it’s hilarious (to me.)  I spent at least ten minutes thinking about how incredible is the human mind after making sure I understood the project.

flashduh

I also have a logo to create, so I’m anticipating a fun weekend.  I changed up my creative workstation a bit to flow better.  Also, I’m using a better mechanical keyboard for typing a book, now.  (It’s a WASD.)  And I replaced my wireless mouse with a Mionix Castor because it’s a dream for creative apps.  I figured out how to use the flash for the photo, so it’s not as painful to view.  😂

Blogger Recognition Award

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I’m grateful to be nominated for a Blogger Recognition Award by Thomas of Aspiblog.  I’d like to thank Thomas for thinking of me:  I appreciate how supportive you’ve been as a fellow blogger and autistic brother.  You’re a delightful friend, and I’m happy you’re part of my world.  I enjoy reading your blog.  The wildlife photos and brain teaser puzzles are fabulous.  Thanks. 😘 💜 🙃

I’m going to break the rules of this award.  I’m supposed to nominate ten other bloggers.  The problem is, it means all but those ten will be left out.  My blogosphere is significantly larger.  I’m thankful to everyone who reads my words.  More so to those who share their own.  This is my safe place in the world where I can interact with others.  It’s someplace I fit, which is astonishing and fabulous.

Thanks for spending some of your precious time interacting with me, (in the one arena where I can participate.)  I love you for it.  You’re amazing and I hope you know it.  (Yep.  I mean you.  I couldn’t tell you if you weren’t reading this.)  Next time the universe gives you an atomic wedgie, and you catch yourself feeling low, please remember there’s someone who thinks you totally rock.  (Psst.  It’s me.)  💜💜💜✌🏽

“I don’t know, they drink, and they bend things at the bar.”

Someone stole my identity.  I found out today when my bank notified me my credit score plummeted over 200 points.  I won’t know the extent of the damage until I get some more information, but holy shit.  Fortunately, I don’t know how to feel about it, so I’ve picked nothing.  (It might just be because I’m overtired.)

I was too excited to sleep last night.  I had an epic breakthrough after decades of trial and error.  I gave up on the problem, and starting thinking of a new approach then found the solution.  I guess I just needed to stop pressuring myself.  (Hindsight is such an asshole.)  Instead of sleeping, I lay in bed listening to my favorite podcast.

It’s called, And That’s Why We Drink.  It’s hilarious and scary.  It’s two young women explaining all the messed up things in the world that led to their drinking.  (One drinks boxed wine, the other milkshakes.)  They’re going to get me in trouble for bursting into laughter (seemingly randomly) during the wee hours of the night.

It can’t be helped, other than my listening at a more appropriate time.  The hosts talk about the scary stuff (occult shit and serial killers) just long enough for me to forget I’m trying to be quiet.  Then I burst into full-on belly laughter again and end up shushing myself and feeling guilty.  (Because I’m Midwestern, I think.)

I also listen to Lore, of course.  And Myths and Legends is another favorite.  That stuff fascinates me.  It’s all about people.  I highly recommend all three podcasts.  I listen to them on Spotify, (which I love now that I finally kicked iTunes to the curb.)  I’m all about the CD or the streaming.  (No more renting disguised as owning.)

I love the time change.  Too bad I didn’t use any of it sleeping.  My eyes feel like I’m wearing contacts constructed of sandpaper.  No reading tonight, but I’ll listen to podcasts instead.  Until Oathbringer is released in just over a week.  Yay.  I’m off to beat my drums.