Maybe they’re admiring your spot.

I’m having second thoughts about my job.  They’re premature.  Tomorrow, I’m going to share with my boss a significant time saver for the project workflow.  You’d think I learned in the Army not to make efficiency suggestions.  That would only be correct when dealing with an institution that honors tradition.  The Army is big on tradition.  It annoyed me at first.  Eventually, I learned a lot about them and used that information to win free trips all over Europe by competing in knowledge boards.

I still think of more efficient ways of doing whatever I’m doing while I’m doing it.  It’s how I’m wired.  I suspect it’s related to my impatience.  The problem is I’m using my idle thought time to think about how I could be idling more efficiently.  I wondered if I needed to get away from computers at work altogether.  We’ll see how it goes after my suggestion.  If I don’t bring it up, it’ll bug me.

I’ve always wanted to work in a factory.  They fascinate me.  I regularly binge on How It’s Made on Netflix.  I get so absorbed.  The weirdest part is I can’t shake the feeling that knowing how to make things is going to be important in the future.  It’s illogical and dramatically negative for no reason, but I feel it all the same.  I watch media like I’m going to be tested later.  I have an unconscious tendency to memorize the dialogue of TV and movies.  I guess that was obvious based on how I title my posts.  I don’t understand this obsession, but I’m pleased with it.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I met someone else who does it too.  That was a day I’ll remember for a long time.  We recited some of our favorite lines back and forth for a while, typing madly.  I love connecting with someone naturally.

Sometimes, neurotypical people will deliberately engage with me in a manner they know I appreciate.  In my case, this means asking me a leading question about computers, paying enough attention to know when to ask another, and letting me type until I get distracted, which won’t be for at least 20 minutes.  While this is happening, I’m aware of what they’re doing for me.  It’s the equivalent of giving me a significant portion of candy for no reason.

I think I should be bothered in instances where it’s obvious the person is faking interest, but instead, I think it’s adorable.  It doesn’t ruin my enjoyment.  I believe I’ve mentioned I’m unsophisticated.  One of the perks of being unsophisticated is not knowing when I should be embarrassed or offended much of the time.  I’m not self-conscious, but I’m more aware of the concept than I used to be.  At this pace, I’ll take a selfie when I’m 80.

Seventy days passed quickly.  I’m pleased with how much I’ve accomplished in that time.  I’ve laughed and smiled far more than I’ve cried.  I’ve spent time doing my favorite things.  I ended my role as a leader.  I’m behaving a lot like an Objectivist, which amuses me.  My stomach is in knots in anticipation of the inauguration.  I need to order a helmet.  I had a nightmare that I got my head bashed in by some sheeple who were worked into a hateful frenzy and sent out hunting for chances to be evil.

I know my dreams are merely reflecting fears I don’t allow in my consciousness.  However, I’ve discovered addressing them in a literal way eliminates the nightmares.  I don’t want to move to Canda or any other country.  I’m going down with the ship.  When Michelle Obama said there’s no more hope, my heart sank.  I don’t think I’ll live beyond the next four years.  I’ll be surprised if I make it a year.  I’m not sad about that.  I’m sad that I won’t get to finish my projects.  Strongly suspecting I’m going to get killed soon isn’t as stressful as I would have thought.  It’s too abstract to process, so it’s just there.  I saw some propaganda encouraging people to hurt Jews in a particular state.  I hope nobody is dumb enough to act on it.  It’s death penalty state.

We all know if someone is dumb enough to act on it, and ends up dead or on death row, whoever put out the call for violence will say it was a joke and suffer no consequences.  The instigators and puppet masters aren’t subject to the laws that govern regular people like you and me.  Don’t be a puppet for someone else’s agenda.  Make wise choices that include tomorrow.  Hate is a terrible reason to ruin your life.  We’re all one dumb decision away from destruction.

He has a 12 minute bit about Ovaltine!

Today has been quiet and peaceful.  I feel disconnected and free.  My largest accomplishment so far was washing my car, but I’ll be doing laundry tonight when it’s cooler.  I’ve been sleeping at least 4 hours a night recently.  It’s nice to have my brain operate in real time for a change.  I had to pause just to recall my own name the other day.  That’s ridic.  Being an airhead is one thing.  Getting distracted by hearing the breeze is another.  I’m happy to report no more accidental injuries.  I ruined my 2 day streak of no bruises, though.  The toilet grabbing gravity check left a doozy on my thigh.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need more schooling.  I’m not certain yet if it will require my enrolling in another degree program.  I sincerely hope not.  One PhD is plenty for me, thankyouverymuch.  I love learning new things, but I resent the amount of time wasted while attending a formal school.  I want to see strong A.I. in my future.  I know many doubt, but I don’t care.  It’s been the overall goal of my life.  The one thing that always gets my undivided attention.  The thing that I think about when I run, and in my sleep.  I don’t care about fame or fortune.  I care about being fascinated with every ounce of my being.

I know I’m not alone in my obsession.  I avoid networking with other A. I. devs and researchers who are working for some companies.  Many assume there is a single path that we’re all climbing together, with a clear and compatible goal at the end.  That’s not the case.  There are already sinister application goals, of course.  You can put the cart before the pony if you throw enough money at it, I suppose.  I also don’t share information at this point, because deep learning is profitable, and I’m not strictly speaking financially.  But you can refocus your eyes, because I’m done with that topic.

I saw the new Kindle, and want it.  Dammit.  I just got the paperwhite.  So I won’t get it unless my paperwhite meets with some sort of accident.  It probably won’t.  It’s odd that I still crave new gadgets, but haven’t bothered opening the latest ones I’ve acquired.  I even put it on my schedule, but everything got flipped, turned upside down, and it didn’t happen.  I feel like I’m running from something, but it’s different.  I’m not running out of fear.  I’m running because it’s what I used to do, and I haven’t figured out how to stop yet.  It never felt this uncomfortable when I was running out of fear.  Now, I think I’m starting to resent it.  It’s interrupting me, and that’s my pet peeve.

I realize this makes me seem simple minded, but I don’t mind because I’m pretty sure I am.  When I feel like I’m stuck, be it from a misinterpretation, a shocking revelation, or being overwhelmed, I act out my mental resolution.  I literally clean and organize my living space to help get my brain unstuck.  Even when it’s a minor hiccup.  I’ve caught myself aligning magazines while trying to keep it together in loud, bright waiting rooms.   Sometimes, counting everything isn’t enough.  I miss a lot of appointments because the waiting room situation kicks my ass.  Oddly, the waiting room at the dentist is the least stressful.  Walk-in on a Monday morning is the most stressful.

I suspect one of the things I’m going to gain from therapy is an off switch.  We talked about routines and schedules.  I could tell she wasn’t impressed with my half-ass solution for when I hyperfocus on work.  She didn’t say, “How’s that working for you?” with words.  But the awkward pause and almost laugh said it loudly enough.  I’ve admitted to the fact that I’m depressed.  It’s a low level depression, so it’s something I normally would ignore (deny?).  And that defeats the purpose of striving for a happier life.  So… Hi.  I’m Alison.  I’m depressed.  But I’m drinking milk, and… No.  I know.  Joking about it doesn’t make it disappear.  It just makes coping with it more fun.  It’s my depression, and if I want to have fun laughing at it, then that’s what I’m going to do.  Because laughing is the opposite of depression.

I am speechless: I have no speech

Today was easy.  We closed up shop at lunch time, after choosing our next project.  It’s more advanced than anything we’ve done recently, which is why it was chosen.  However, I’m a bit concerned about how client-centric it’s going to be.  That means communicating a lot with the client.  Since we’re providing the service, it’s best to allow for clients choice regarding how to do that communicating.  They almost always choose the phone.  Usually we can compromise with Skype.  A few times, we’ve had to ask a relative to be our go-between.  Far from ideal.  The  more I think about it, the more I realize it’s a bigger problem than originally thought.

I’ll see how training goes with our newest hire.  We started her insurance right away because she has Medicare, and they lapsed on a supplemental plan.  If I understood her correctly.  I think it means she’d have co-pays or something.  Our group rate won’t increase by adding her.  While she’s training, we’re giving her $15/hour.  I was overheard telling Sean that it passed, and it was assumed that I meant nationwide.  So when I brought up salary in our meeting, they said $15/hour is the lowest we can go now.  I didn’t correct them.  I haven’t been able to work out if by remaining silent, I lied, since I got home.  So that’s what I’ll be obsessing over tonight.

The way I see it, we need her more than she needs us.  We’ve managed to avoid talking on the phone to a client for so long now, that I think we’re more than a little scared.  I can’t imagine the scenario that would make talking out loud to a stranger over the phone, in a professional capacity, a good idea.  I can speak out loud, but it’s not without effort.  I really don’t like talking.  I usually can, so I usually do.  But if it’s my choice, I choose typing instead.  My typing speed matches my processing speed in conversation.  It also requires motion, which is more comfortable than being still.  It’s probably why I obsess over my mechanical keyboards.  They’re like my preferred mouth.

The downside to typing as much as possible, is that if I avoid speaking out loud for too long, I struggle to restart.  I have that little panic surge that I blew it, and will never speak again.  This causes my throat to tighten up, and make it come true, at least until I can calm myself down.  It’s awful.  And you’d think that after this happened the first time, it would lose it’s chutzpah.  Nope.  Freaks me out every time.  So I talk to my cat.  She’s not very good at conversation, so I say her lines too.  She usually watches me attentively, and interjects on occasion.  It’s adorable.  Even though I know she’s concentrating on hearing the word, ‘treat’.

I just know that I’ll be the one talking on the phone to this client.  I guess I’ll make some scripts over the weekend, and then volunteer so I don’t stress about it Monday.  I won’t need any extra stress on top.  Sean said something that made me think.  He’s obnoxious, but about half the time, I think his antics are hilarious.  He pointed out that I give him a mixed message with my sometimes eye rolling.  So now, since I thought instead of responding, he thinks it means he can step it up a notch.  So far it’s been harmless, so we’ll see how it goes.  I’ve collected all the nerf darts, and they’re in my lower drawer just in case.

Smart Stick Darts

A ramble

Today I should totally go to the airport and pick up my car.  It’s supposed to be done snowing for now.  I’m not looking forward to it.  But I need to get food.  And run some errands.  The streets should be plowed by now.  My cat is back to her normal self.  I lost my wallet.  I’m pretty sure I left it in the taxi.  Fortunately, none of my cards were in it, as I put them in a shielded case.  It was a Tokidoki wallet that I probably can’t replace since they’re limited and sell out quickly.  I’m not too upset about it.  It could have been a much worse scenario.

I haven’t felt well for the last day or so.  I’m not surprised when I recall the number of people coughing on the plane home.  When I did my run this morning, I used the treadmill in the main gym.  I was the only one there.  I think it’s funny that for a few weeks following new years, a bunch of people will start using the gyms with good intentions of making it a new lifestyle.  But after a few weeks, it’ll be back to the usual people.  I don’t know when exercising became optional.

I didn’t sleep well last night because I had bizarre dreams.  I only remember that they were strange.  I’ll be glad when the holidays are over so I can get back to work on an game I’m almost finished with.  I’m waiting on the illustrator for now.  Then on to adding voices.  I have beta testers lined up as well.  It should come together nicely.  I have to work out a marketing plan too.  Right after I find out what a marketing plan entails.  That’s as far as I can look ahead without getting overwhelmed.

Dang, I think I’m getting a cold.  I’ve sneezed about 10 times since my run.  I ended up taking my macbook pro instead of my gaming laptop.  Once I got it loaded into the backpack with my mouse and the power cable, the backpack was too heavy.  I’m glad I went with my R2D2 carryon and a smaller backpack.  The wheels came in handy, and a lot of people complimented it.  I still feel a little bit unsettled from my routine being altered while I traveled.

I’m looking forward to moving in a way.  I should say I’m looking forward to being settled in my new home, and comfortable in my new routine.  My anxiety has creeped back.  I’m trying not to be hyper aware of it.  Just knowing there’s a way to take a rest from it helps.  Once I finish my errands, I’m going to set up my new guitar.  I need to order a strap for it.  I’m excited to start playing it.  Seeing Marie Osmond on a nutrisystem commercial now.  She must have had work done.  She was never this hot when she did her show with Donny.  She looks great.  Hollywood is like the real Twilight Zone.  A microcosm of vanity.  It baffles me on so many levels.  I’m off to shower.

Sleep Eludes Me

I didn’t sleep again.  I think I’ve gotten about 6 hours total so far this week.  Last night we had thunder while it was snowing.  It was bizarre.  I suppose freaky weather is the new normal.  It’s frozen ice mixed with snow outside, so I haven’t been driving much.  I’ve been writing down things to pack as I think of them.  My sleep deprived brain will forget something important otherwise.  It’s funny to me, as my memory is normally outstanding.  But when I’m sleep deprived, my short term memory gets spotty, and my ability to access my long term memory becomes painfully slow.  I feel like a Windows computer owned by someone who has never done maintenance or defragged the hard drive.

They found a Linux bug that will make hacking much easier.  That won’t last long on the popular distros.  I can almost picture the people who do a lot of work on various distros awakening to this news with utter disgust, and vowing to fix it before they sleep again.  Software bugs remind me of cheap jigsaw puzzles where the pieces are cut in a manner that requires careful attention to detail in order to prevent putting the wrong piece in  place merely because it fits.  Heye and Ravensburger are the best jigsaw puzzle brands.  I don’t always buy them because I like certain artists like Charles Wysocki, but I know the cheaper puzzles will only survive being solved twice.

I have a serious jigsaw puzzle addiction.  I own about 200, not counting the ones that are awaiting delivery.  I need to cull them and only keep the good ones.  I figure I’ll just recycle them, as I’ve not had good luck giving them away.  It always results in at least one box being dropped, and pieces everywhere.  It’s just cardboard and ink.  I’ll dump a bunch in the cardboard recycle bin.  I don’t like the electronic puzzles.  The interface is awkward using a mouse.  The touch screen versions for iPad are poorly coded.  I’m holding out for coffee table sized touch screens that are fully touch capable, not X-points where X=<the entire screen.  Then I’ll write my own program that allows me to use wallpaper images as puzzles.

OLED screen would be good.  Then touch and pause for say 1 second to pick up a piece and move it.  Magnetized effect to prevent pieces from covering each other.  Auto sort edge pieces option.  Turn all pieces right side up option.  And other sorting options.  Clearly, I take this shit seriously.  I think one reason I love jigsaw puzzles so much is because they are like math.  There is only one solution, and when you solve it, the reward is a completed pattern.  When I finish a puzzle, I count things in the photo.  Like, how many people? How many animals?  That sort.  Then I break it apart and start another.  I’ve been doing them my whole life.  I love them as much as reading.

I need to sleep soon.  I can tell I’m loopy.  I can see the air, but the floor isn’t appearing to randomly change depths yet.  When that starts, I know I have to at least lay down or I’ll start hurling.  Insomnia sucks.