Maybe they’re admiring your spot.

I’m having second thoughts about my job.  They’re premature.  Tomorrow, I’m going to share with my boss a significant time saver for the project workflow.  You’d think I learned in the Army not to make efficiency suggestions.  That would only be correct when dealing with an institution that honors tradition.  The Army is big on tradition.  It annoyed me at first.  Eventually, I learned a lot about them and used that information to win free trips all over Europe by competing in knowledge boards.

I still think of more efficient ways of doing whatever I’m doing while I’m doing it.  It’s how I’m wired.  I suspect it’s related to my impatience.  The problem is I’m using my idle thought time to think about how I could be idling more efficiently.  I wondered if I needed to get away from computers at work altogether.  We’ll see how it goes after my suggestion.  If I don’t bring it up, it’ll bug me.

I’ve always wanted to work in a factory.  They fascinate me.  I regularly binge on How It’s Made on Netflix.  I get so absorbed.  The weirdest part is I can’t shake the feeling that knowing how to make things is going to be important in the future.  It’s illogical and dramatically negative for no reason, but I feel it all the same.  I watch media like I’m going to be tested later.  I have an unconscious tendency to memorize the dialogue of TV and movies.  I guess that was obvious based on how I title my posts.  I don’t understand this obsession, but I’m pleased with it.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I met someone else who does it too.  That was a day I’ll remember for a long time.  We recited some of our favorite lines back and forth for a while, typing madly.  I love connecting with someone naturally.

Sometimes, neurotypical people will deliberately engage with me in a manner they know I appreciate.  In my case, this means asking me a leading question about computers, paying enough attention to know when to ask another, and letting me type until I get distracted, which won’t be for at least 20 minutes.  While this is happening, I’m aware of what they’re doing for me.  It’s the equivalent of giving me a significant portion of candy for no reason.

I think I should be bothered in instances where it’s obvious the person is faking interest, but instead, I think it’s adorable.  It doesn’t ruin my enjoyment.  I believe I’ve mentioned I’m unsophisticated.  One of the perks of being unsophisticated is not knowing when I should be embarrassed or offended much of the time.  I’m not self-conscious, but I’m more aware of the concept than I used to be.  At this pace, I’ll take a selfie when I’m 80.

Seventy days passed quickly.  I’m pleased with how much I’ve accomplished in that time.  I’ve laughed and smiled far more than I’ve cried.  I’ve spent time doing my favorite things.  I ended my role as a leader.  I’m behaving a lot like an Objectivist, which amuses me.  My stomach is in knots in anticipation of the inauguration.  I need to order a helmet.  I had a nightmare that I got my head bashed in by some sheeple who were worked into a hateful frenzy and sent out hunting for chances to be evil.

I know my dreams are merely reflecting fears I don’t allow in my consciousness.  However, I’ve discovered addressing them in a literal way eliminates the nightmares.  I don’t want to move to Canda or any other country.  I’m going down with the ship.  When Michelle Obama said there’s no more hope, my heart sank.  I don’t think I’ll live beyond the next four years.  I’ll be surprised if I make it a year.  I’m not sad about that.  I’m sad that I won’t get to finish my projects.  Strongly suspecting I’m going to get killed soon isn’t as stressful as I would have thought.  It’s too abstract to process, so it’s just there.  I saw some propaganda encouraging people to hurt Jews in a particular state.  I hope nobody is dumb enough to act on it.  It’s death penalty state.

We all know if someone is dumb enough to act on it, and ends up dead or on death row, whoever put out the call for violence will say it was a joke and suffer no consequences.  The instigators and puppet masters aren’t subject to the laws that govern regular people like you and me.  Don’t be a puppet for someone else’s agenda.  Make wise choices that include tomorrow.  Hate is a terrible reason to ruin your life.  We’re all one dumb decision away from destruction.

He has a 12 minute bit about Ovaltine!

Today has been quiet and peaceful.  I feel disconnected and free.  My largest accomplishment so far was washing my car, but I’ll be doing laundry tonight when it’s cooler.  I’ve been sleeping at least 4 hours a night recently.  It’s nice to have my brain operate in real time for a change.  I had to pause just to recall my own name the other day.  That’s ridic.  Being an airhead is one thing.  Getting distracted by hearing the breeze is another.  I’m happy to report no more accidental injuries.  I ruined my 2 day streak of no bruises, though.  The toilet grabbing gravity check left a doozy on my thigh.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need more schooling.  I’m not certain yet if it will require my enrolling in another degree program.  I sincerely hope not.  One PhD is plenty for me, thankyouverymuch.  I love learning new things, but I resent the amount of time wasted while attending a formal school.  I want to see strong A.I. in my future.  I know many doubt, but I don’t care.  It’s been the overall goal of my life.  The one thing that always gets my undivided attention.  The thing that I think about when I run, and in my sleep.  I don’t care about fame or fortune.  I care about being fascinated with every ounce of my being.

I know I’m not alone in my obsession.  I avoid networking with other A. I. devs and researchers who are working for some companies.  Many assume there is a single path that we’re all climbing together, with a clear and compatible goal at the end.  That’s not the case.  There are already sinister application goals, of course.  You can put the cart before the pony if you throw enough money at it, I suppose.  I also don’t share information at this point, because deep learning is profitable, and I’m not strictly speaking financially.  But you can refocus your eyes, because I’m done with that topic.

I saw the new Kindle, and want it.  Dammit.  I just got the paperwhite.  So I won’t get it unless my paperwhite meets with some sort of accident.  It probably won’t.  It’s odd that I still crave new gadgets, but haven’t bothered opening the latest ones I’ve acquired.  I even put it on my schedule, but everything got flipped, turned upside down, and it didn’t happen.  I feel like I’m running from something, but it’s different.  I’m not running out of fear.  I’m running because it’s what I used to do, and I haven’t figured out how to stop yet.  It never felt this uncomfortable when I was running out of fear.  Now, I think I’m starting to resent it.  It’s interrupting me, and that’s my pet peeve.

I realize this makes me seem simple minded, but I don’t mind because I’m pretty sure I am.  When I feel like I’m stuck, be it from a misinterpretation, a shocking revelation, or being overwhelmed, I act out my mental resolution.  I literally clean and organize my living space to help get my brain unstuck.  Even when it’s a minor hiccup.  I’ve caught myself aligning magazines while trying to keep it together in loud, bright waiting rooms.   Sometimes, counting everything isn’t enough.  I miss a lot of appointments because the waiting room situation kicks my ass.  Oddly, the waiting room at the dentist is the least stressful.  Walk-in on a Monday morning is the most stressful.

I suspect one of the things I’m going to gain from therapy is an off switch.  We talked about routines and schedules.  I could tell she wasn’t impressed with my half-ass solution for when I hyperfocus on work.  She didn’t say, “How’s that working for you?” with words.  But the awkward pause and almost laugh said it loudly enough.  I’ve admitted to the fact that I’m depressed.  It’s a low level depression, so it’s something I normally would ignore (deny?).  And that defeats the purpose of striving for a happier life.  So… Hi.  I’m Alison.  I’m depressed.  But I’m drinking milk, and… No.  I know.  Joking about it doesn’t make it disappear.  It just makes coping with it more fun.  It’s my depression, and if I want to have fun laughing at it, then that’s what I’m going to do.  Because laughing is the opposite of depression.

I am speechless: I have no speech

Today was easy.  We closed up shop at lunch time, after choosing our next project.  It’s more advanced than anything we’ve done recently, which is why it was chosen.  However, I’m a bit concerned about how client-centric it’s going to be.  That means communicating a lot with the client.  Since we’re providing the service, it’s best to allow for clients choice regarding how to do that communicating.  They almost always choose the phone.  Usually we can compromise with Skype.  A few times, we’ve had to ask a relative to be our go-between.  Far from ideal.  The  more I think about it, the more I realize it’s a bigger problem than originally thought.

I’ll see how training goes with our newest hire.  We started her insurance right away because she has Medicare, and they lapsed on a supplemental plan.  If I understood her correctly.  I think it means she’d have co-pays or something.  Our group rate won’t increase by adding her.  While she’s training, we’re giving her $15/hour.  I was overheard telling Sean that it passed, and it was assumed that I meant nationwide.  So when I brought up salary in our meeting, they said $15/hour is the lowest we can go now.  I didn’t correct them.  I haven’t been able to work out if by remaining silent, I lied, since I got home.  So that’s what I’ll be obsessing over tonight.

The way I see it, we need her more than she needs us.  We’ve managed to avoid talking on the phone to a client for so long now, that I think we’re more than a little scared.  I can’t imagine the scenario that would make talking out loud to a stranger over the phone, in a professional capacity, a good idea.  I can speak out loud, but it’s not without effort.  I really don’t like talking.  I usually can, so I usually do.  But if it’s my choice, I choose typing instead.  My typing speed matches my processing speed in conversation.  It also requires motion, which is more comfortable than being still.  It’s probably why I obsess over my mechanical keyboards.  They’re like my preferred mouth.

The downside to typing as much as possible, is that if I avoid speaking out loud for too long, I struggle to restart.  I have that little panic surge that I blew it, and will never speak again.  This causes my throat to tighten up, and make it come true, at least until I can calm myself down.  It’s awful.  And you’d think that after this happened the first time, it would lose it’s chutzpah.  Nope.  Freaks me out every time.  So I talk to my cat.  She’s not very good at conversation, so I say her lines too.  She usually watches me attentively, and interjects on occasion.  It’s adorable.  Even though I know she’s concentrating on hearing the word, ‘treat’.

I just know that I’ll be the one talking on the phone to this client.  I guess I’ll make some scripts over the weekend, and then volunteer so I don’t stress about it Monday.  I won’t need any extra stress on top.  Sean said something that made me think.  He’s obnoxious, but about half the time, I think his antics are hilarious.  He pointed out that I give him a mixed message with my sometimes eye rolling.  So now, since I thought instead of responding, he thinks it means he can step it up a notch.  So far it’s been harmless, so we’ll see how it goes.  I’ve collected all the nerf darts, and they’re in my lower drawer just in case.

Smart Stick Darts

A ramble

Today I should totally go to the airport and pick up my car.  It’s supposed to be done snowing for now.  I’m not looking forward to it.  But I need to get food.  And run some errands.  The streets should be plowed by now.  My cat is back to her normal self.  I lost my wallet.  I’m pretty sure I left it in the taxi.  Fortunately, none of my cards were in it, as I put them in a shielded case.  It was a Tokidoki wallet that I probably can’t replace since they’re limited and sell out quickly.  I’m not too upset about it.  It could have been a much worse scenario.

I haven’t felt well for the last day or so.  I’m not surprised when I recall the number of people coughing on the plane home.  When I did my run this morning, I used the treadmill in the main gym.  I was the only one there.  I think it’s funny that for a few weeks following new years, a bunch of people will start using the gyms with good intentions of making it a new lifestyle.  But after a few weeks, it’ll be back to the usual people.  I don’t know when exercising became optional.

I didn’t sleep well last night because I had bizarre dreams.  I only remember that they were strange.  I’ll be glad when the holidays are over so I can get back to work on an game I’m almost finished with.  I’m waiting on the illustrator for now.  Then on to adding voices.  I have beta testers lined up as well.  It should come together nicely.  I have to work out a marketing plan too.  Right after I find out what a marketing plan entails.  That’s as far as I can look ahead without getting overwhelmed.

Dang, I think I’m getting a cold.  I’ve sneezed about 10 times since my run.  I ended up taking my macbook pro instead of my gaming laptop.  Once I got it loaded into the backpack with my mouse and the power cable, the backpack was too heavy.  I’m glad I went with my R2D2 carryon and a smaller backpack.  The wheels came in handy, and a lot of people complimented it.  I still feel a little bit unsettled from my routine being altered while I traveled.

I’m looking forward to moving in a way.  I should say I’m looking forward to being settled in my new home, and comfortable in my new routine.  My anxiety has creeped back.  I’m trying not to be hyper aware of it.  Just knowing there’s a way to take a rest from it helps.  Once I finish my errands, I’m going to set up my new guitar.  I need to order a strap for it.  I’m excited to start playing it.  Seeing Marie Osmond on a nutrisystem commercial now.  She must have had work done.  She was never this hot when she did her show with Donny.  She looks great.  Hollywood is like the real Twilight Zone.  A microcosm of vanity.  It baffles me on so many levels.  I’m off to shower.

Sleep Eludes Me

I didn’t sleep again.  I think I’ve gotten about 6 hours total so far this week.  Last night we had thunder while it was snowing.  It was bizarre.  I suppose freaky weather is the new normal.  It’s frozen ice mixed with snow outside, so I haven’t been driving much.  I’ve been writing down things to pack as I think of them.  My sleep deprived brain will forget something important otherwise.  It’s funny to me, as my memory is normally outstanding.  But when I’m sleep deprived, my short term memory gets spotty, and my ability to access my long term memory becomes painfully slow.  I feel like a Windows computer owned by someone who has never done maintenance or defragged the hard drive.

They found a Linux bug that will make hacking much easier.  That won’t last long on the popular distros.  I can almost picture the people who do a lot of work on various distros awakening to this news with utter disgust, and vowing to fix it before they sleep again.  Software bugs remind me of cheap jigsaw puzzles where the pieces are cut in a manner that requires careful attention to detail in order to prevent putting the wrong piece in  place merely because it fits.  Heye and Ravensburger are the best jigsaw puzzle brands.  I don’t always buy them because I like certain artists like Charles Wysocki, but I know the cheaper puzzles will only survive being solved twice.

I have a serious jigsaw puzzle addiction.  I own about 200, not counting the ones that are awaiting delivery.  I need to cull them and only keep the good ones.  I figure I’ll just recycle them, as I’ve not had good luck giving them away.  It always results in at least one box being dropped, and pieces everywhere.  It’s just cardboard and ink.  I’ll dump a bunch in the cardboard recycle bin.  I don’t like the electronic puzzles.  The interface is awkward using a mouse.  The touch screen versions for iPad are poorly coded.  I’m holding out for coffee table sized touch screens that are fully touch capable, not X-points where X=<the entire screen.  Then I’ll write my own program that allows me to use wallpaper images as puzzles.

OLED screen would be good.  Then touch and pause for say 1 second to pick up a piece and move it.  Magnetized effect to prevent pieces from covering each other.  Auto sort edge pieces option.  Turn all pieces right side up option.  And other sorting options.  Clearly, I take this shit seriously.  I think one reason I love jigsaw puzzles so much is because they are like math.  There is only one solution, and when you solve it, the reward is a completed pattern.  When I finish a puzzle, I count things in the photo.  Like, how many people? How many animals?  That sort.  Then I break it apart and start another.  I’ve been doing them my whole life.  I love them as much as reading.

I need to sleep soon.  I can tell I’m loopy.  I can see the air, but the floor isn’t appearing to randomly change depths yet.  When that starts, I know I have to at least lay down or I’ll start hurling.  Insomnia sucks.



Playing around with Illustrator.  I figure I may as well use it since I’m paying for it.  Adobe charges an annual fee to utilize their products now.  I can’t help but feel like they’re trying to recoup all the money they lost to pirating of their software.  I know that for about 15 years, anyone with a little bit of internet savvy could download a cracked version of Photoshop for free.  It was basically purchased by students, graphic designers, and corporations that dealt with media and art.  But it was probably the most stolen software program in existence.  So, I can’t blame Adobe for jumping through multiple levels of hoops to prevent this from continuing.  It’s just that they make it very obvious that you’re only renting.

For those who read the fine print, it’s always been the case.  They just allow people to rent it by the month, or for a year with monthly installments.  Or you can save a little and rent it for a full year up front.  I’m not sure if they still sell it outright.  If they do, they’ve not made it obvious, as I didn’t see the option while casually browsing their site.  It’s a smart move on their part.  Those who can’t afford to drop a few grand up front on the suite now have affordable access with the installments, so I’m sure they’ve increased their customer base.  They do release a light version of Photoshop and Premier that you can purchase outright, but light is an understatement.  You’re better off using Gimp for free than bothering with Photoshop Elements.

The fact that an entire new industry was created surrounding Adobe applications is kind of cool.  Books, tutorials, and university courses that teach it’s uses have been steadily glomming off Adobe’s success for as long as I can recall.  It can cost a few hundred dollars to take an online course for Photoshop.  However, it’s for those who want someone to hold their hand while they figure out the features.  You can use the built in tutorials, free tutorials on websites like DeviantArt, and trial and error to get to the same level of expertise.  I’ve found that trial and error is the best teacher for me.  I tend to remember when I click a new button and have it destroy the project I’ve just spent hours creating.  Thank goodness for the history, (undo) option.  You learn quickly to take snapshots as you go to save time.  It’s why I prefer digital painting to tactile painting.  No mess, and no waste.

Illustrator is interesting and surprisingly simple to dive in without prior experience.  I’m sure my Photoshop skills come into play regarding the tools to some degree, but there are lots of new ones that I have yet to explore.  The mesh tool was taunting me while I worked on the above.  Next time I’ll play with that.  I’m going to break out my Wacom tablet next time.  Premiere Pro, After Effects, and Audition look like fun, too.  I’ll have to pace myself.


I had a productive day.  I got all my chores done.  I did a little work on some of the websites I’m currently working on.  Nothing live yet.  I’m revamping the design for the support site for autism and similar.  I got fed up with the domain issues from so I picked a new one instead.  It can sit in limbo for a year for all I care.  A $15 mistake.  I’ve made worse.  I registered instead.  It gets right to the point, and I like that.  I’ll work on that during the week.  The other site is 3rd in priority, so it’ll be the last one I address.

The autism site is up, but not live.  Meaning, it hasn’t been advertised and has no members yet.  I was using WordPress, but have since decided against it.  I don’t have the content to bother with a CMS.  So I’m doing it from scratch, which is always best.  That way I have control over all the design elements.  I’m keeping the logo, though.  I really hate web development.  I stopped doing it ages ago.  Back before Adobe bought out Macromedia.  Back when Flash was considered cool.  I used Macromedia way back when Flash was called Action.  I was so accustomed to the interface, that using Fireworks was like breathing.  I’m glad I don’t have to create for dial-up bandwidth anymore.  That was so limiting.

I do realize that most people access the web with their smart phones now, but I don’t build websites for phones. Just apps.  I’m optimizing the site for phones, but not extensively.  They won’t be able to chat on their phones without a 3rd party app.  Pretty sure that applies to the forums too.  I don’t surf on my iPhone.  My vision is too poor.  My phone is for texting, email, weather, banking, and games.

I’m so over Apple.  While I do like Logic Pro X and writing IOS apps, the reasons to ever buy one again are plummeting.  I want to try the Google phone next.  If I don’t like it, I’ll go back to a Samsung Note.  The iPad Air 2 is nice.  It’s fast, light, and has a great screen.  Nobody has topped it yet.  However, I don’t use it enough to bother buying the next iteration.  Certainly not the monstrosity they just released with the $99 stylus.  I did get $99 worth of laughing my ass off at it, though.  It’s been out for a week.  I wonder how many people have lost their stylus so far.  Bet it’s more than one!

The only thing about Apple is that their laptop touchpad is still the best on the market.  Sigh.

Dear Chinese Electronics Manufacturers,

Please copy the design for the Apple trackpad, and install it on every laptop you produce for the next three years.  They won’t sue you because they need you to continue fleecing the American public with their overpriced but sleekly attractive products.  Except the Mac Pro.  That thing is fugly.  What were they thinking?  But I digress.  Copy the design.  Use it on everything.  You will be rewarded with American customers who like me, despise Apple, Inc., but still buy their stuff because nobody else has copied the trackpad design.  Be that someone.

Love, My Blatant Inner Consumer

If they don’t manage to pull this off, I’ll use an external mouse and suck it up.  I’m no longer hostage to Apple’s ecosystem, thanks to Amazon.  So I’ll continue to use the 2 Apple machines I have currently, but I won’t buy anything else from them.  I’m officially boycotting Apple for loopholing their way out of billions in taxes.  Having a gay CEO isn’t enough to overlook this bullshit.  They still don’t hire enough women and I’m unaware of a single disabled person working there.  I won’t even bother to see if they have any veterans on the payroll.  These are important factors to me.  I vote with my money.  If you suck that hard, you can’t have anymore.

I understand that tax dollars finance a lot of bullshit programs for an extremely corrupt government.  It’s a legitimate issue.  But the “can’t beat ’em, join ’em” attitude doesn’t cut it.  Just because the laws are set up for the wealthy corporations and individuals who buy lobbyists who then pay off congress and senate representatives to skew the system in their favor, doesn’t mean it’s right to withhold your share of the cost of being an American corporation.  The system is corrupt because companies like Apple, Inc. have shareholders who make the company their little bitch.  I know the shareholders care only about the profits.  I also know that being a publicly traded company is optional.

I know that Apple, Inc. could buy back it’s own controlling interests, and stop being part of the problem.  I know that Apple, Inc., could stop outsourcing all their manufacturing to China and South Korea, and bring those jobs to America.  It would require paying them a livable wage, which would cut into their overall profit margin.  But if it was a privately owned company that didn’t contribute to the corruption that is Wall Street, it could do these things, and be an outstanding company, rather than a morally corrupt part of the problem with America.

I hate Wall Street.  I hate it because people use it to gain without giving anything.  They don’t add anything or create anything.  They are vultures who gamble in hopes of gaining profits off the labor and creations of others.  Everything about it is corrupt.  It’s a festering boil on our economy.  The fact that taxpayer money was used to bail it out is something that utterly disgusts me.  It etched in my mind the moment I recognized that I would no longer die for my country.  My service to the US Army is over.  I never stopped being a soldier afterward, though.  I was always prepared to do whatever my country needed me to do to protect her interests.  This is no longer the case.  Until America is freed from the corruption that is presently strangling her, and robbing her of the dream that once united us all as a nation, I’m only dedicated to the interests of the poor, the infirm, and those who are weaker than me.

The leeches and festering boils that are ruining America can suck it.

Gamify Your Life

I slept well last night.  I have a feeling I will again tonight.  It’s starting to cool off and may result in snow tomorrow, so my days of running outside may be coming to a pause.  I’m not as bothered by this because there’s a new treadmill in the gym downstairs.  I haven’t been using the gym in the leasing building recently because for some reason they completely redecorated it.  They put in new flooring, furniture, window treatments, and fixtures.  They even changed how the furniture is arranged.

It looks nice, I must admit.  It took a bit for me to muster the courage to look it over.  I gave myself double points for doing alone.  There’s a new treadmill in that gym too, but the one I always use is still in the same spot.  I might use the new one if nobody else is working out.  It’s in the middle of the row of cardio equipment, which means the chances of someone working out right next to me are higher.  I’ll go at 5AM.  That way it will just be me and the weight lifters.  They just watch their form in the mirrors and ignore everyone else.  They also allow me to cut in to do my reps while they stretch, which is nice.

The people who are there just before closing are the Indian immigrants who live in my building.  They’re always nice to me, and sometimes they do cricket team workouts which are fun to watch in the mirrors.  Especially when it’s dancing.  It’s so cute to watch several guys doing the same dance moves in unison.  I’ve seen them playing cricket on the softball fields in the park across the street.  The ones who live down the hall from me play their music loudly, but you can only hear it when you’re in the hallway.  It made me feel more confident to play my violin.  We have soundproofing between units, just not the entrance doors.

I started a new project today with a friend I met on Twitter.  He’s a software engineering student.  We’re going to build a site that encourages people to do the things that challenge them in life, and reward them like any other video game would when they conquer a task.  I’ve done this for years, and it’s helped me stay motivated when doing things that are hard for me.  I love that rush I get when I finish a task that I really didn’t want to do.  Grocery shopping comes to mind.  I award myself points and do a victory dance for a bit afterward.  It feels good, like any other accomplishment, so it totally counts.  I keep score in my head.  I’m totally winning.

He’s far more into web development than me.  I got burned out on web dev years ago, and now I only do personal projects here and there.  The programming languages change over time, and the process is constantly getting easier.  I’m a firm believer in utilizing open source software, rather than recreating it myself whenever possible.  It’s kind of the point of open source-ware.  My friend wanted to build a custom content management system from scratch, but when we realized his language of choice won’t work on the server I rented, he agreed that we should use open source.  We’ll probably go with either WordPress or Joomla.  I’m leaning more toward WordPress, as I like it.

I’m excited about it, and am probably going to spend lots of time making award titles and graphics.  It’s a system that works well for me, and I hope others will find it useful too.  I’m a gamer, so it was a natural thing for me to do.  Non-gamers might also enjoy the benefits of the accumulation of small victories.  I hope so!  Either way, I’ll have a blast building it.

My Dad Was Better Than Santa Claus

I still feel like a zombie.  The time change is kicking my ass.  I got a lot done this morning with latest project.  I think freebie clients are more particular than the rest. I wonder if there is a correlation between people who dedicated their lives to helping others, and their ability to visualize an idea in detail.  Not enough data. Interesting, though.

A potential client called me on the phone.  Two things about it bothered me.  First, the call was at 6:03 AM.  There are several reasons I can imagine as to why that happened.  None of them compensate.  The second thing is, I don’t talk on the phone to clients ever.  I don’t publish my phone number with my credentials.  I very specifically give only an email address.

So this person had to go out of their way to acquire my phone number.  I am pretty sure I know what is going on with this client.  It’s a wealthy man who is used to playing by his own rules, and is used to everyone else complying with his every whim.  I know this because I’ve worked for a colleague of his before, and that’s likely who referred me to him in the first place.

He left a message asking me to get in touch.  No problem there.  I will think about whether or not I want to work with him and decide tomorrow.  I won’t reject the idea based solely on his financial status and general attitude.  These are things that won’t matter unless I decide to allow them to matter.  I could easily decide to be insecure, and thus refuse to tolerate his behavior merely because it comes off as arrogant.  Or I could look at it like he has an effective, no nonsense approach to everything, and is focused on the goal, not the logistics.

The latter is more logical to me.  I have been taught two ways of seeing this situation.  But one way is through the eyes of an insecure person who goes out of her way to find a reason to feel slighted.  The other is through the eyes of a professional who doesn’t pay any mind to things that don’t advance her to the goal.  The latter is more logical.  The former is what I was taught by my peers.  The latter what I was taught by myself, the military, and logic.  So it’s obvious which way I’ll run with this.

It bothers me that some people would consider me foolish for choosing the latter. Its just another reminder that I’m weird, and will never fit in because I can’t even understand the mindset of “normal”.  The bother is not overwhelming or destructive.  It’s constant and annoying.  It’s annoying to be unable to relate to most people.  It’s annoying to have to stop and wonder if they mean what they say this time, or if they are telling socially acceptable lies that I should automatically decipher in real time again.

I know I shouldn’t care that I can relate to an arrogant, successful white man far more easily than any black woman I’ve ever met in my life.  But when you look at this world, society tells me that my enemy is the wealthy white man by default. Society doesn’t give a shit about logic or fairness.  Society doesn’t give a shit that my dad was a wealthy white man.  Or that he was incredibly gentle and selfless.  And in order to live in society, I have to deal with it to an extent that disgusts me.  It sucks.

I’ve always had a dream that one day an alien ship would land and take me home. That I would be delivered to my planet of origin, where people were like me, and said only what they meant, and were kind and concerned about the whole, not the one.  It’s evolved as I’ve grown and experienced life.  I know it’s a fantasy.  But I still dream of it.  It helps me relax.