“I don’t know, they drink, and they bend things at the bar.”

Someone stole my identity.  I found out today when my bank notified me my credit score plummeted over 200 points.  I won’t know the extent of the damage until I get some more information, but holy shit.  Fortunately, I don’t know how to feel about it, so I’ve picked nothing.  (It might just be because I’m overtired.)

I was too excited to sleep last night.  I had an epic breakthrough after decades of trial and error.  I gave up on the problem, and starting thinking of a new approach then found the solution.  I guess I just needed to stop pressuring myself.  (Hindsight is such an asshole.)  Instead of sleeping, I lay in bed listening to my favorite podcast.

It’s called, And That’s Why We Drink.  It’s hilarious and scary.  It’s two young women explaining all the messed up things in the world that led to their drinking.  (One drinks boxed wine, the other milkshakes.)  They’re going to get me in trouble for bursting into laughter (seemingly randomly) during the wee hours of the night.

It can’t be helped, other than my listening at a more appropriate time.  The hosts talk about the scary stuff (occult shit and serial killers) just long enough for me to forget I’m trying to be quiet.  Then I burst into full-on belly laughter again and end up shushing myself and feeling guilty.  (Because I’m Midwestern, I think.)

I also listen to Lore, of course.  And Myths and Legends is another favorite.  That stuff fascinates me.  It’s all about people.  I highly recommend all three podcasts.  I listen to them on Spotify, (which I love now that I finally kicked iTunes to the curb.)  I’m all about the CD or the streaming.  (No more renting disguised as owning.)

I love the time change.  Too bad I didn’t use any of it sleeping.  My eyes feel like I’m wearing contacts constructed of sandpaper.  No reading tonight, but I’ll listen to podcasts instead.  Until Oathbringer is released in just over a week.  Yay.  I’m off to beat my drums.

“I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man, and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.”

Dear geniuses, you’re in for it this time.  I’m in a mood.  Which means I’m not myself; except I’m autistic, which means I’m too myself.  You’ve been warned.  I’m feeling harassed.  I hate this aggressive recruiting in the AI field.  I know I gush over Jeff Bezos sometimes, and Amazon often, but he’s one of the most brilliant minds in commerce, presently.  Despite that, I wouldn’t work for him.  He’s fascinating.  But we don’t see eye to eye on some crucial beliefs.

I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, therefore I make bold, unproven statements about psychology on a near daily basis, (just like you do.)  I take myself with a grain of salt in many regards.  That’s only one of the many reasons why.  I just cracked myself up.  😂  I hope you weren’t expecting me to stay on topic.  If so, you’re going to be disappointed.  Or perhaps, amused.  I consider virtually all the top commerce superstars to be sociopaths.  Fanboys, come at me.

My rebuttal:  Steve Jobs.  Moving right along.  The thing I hate about capitalism is the fact it’s led to the worship of sociopaths.  It’s inevitable they rise to the top because it’s a ruthless model.  There’s no denying it.  It lowers the value of life by merely existing.  I predict water will be the next currency.  (And I’m an optimist!)  Valuing anything over life, human included, is The Manual on how to fail at survival in the long game.  This is a fact.

It would have been more efficient to create bacteria that destroy DNA at a rapid speed.  We should have just done that in the 1920’s and fecked off.  It pisses me off that Orson Scott Card is the only author who ever thought about this, (to my knowledge.)  He’s on a permanent boycott for his loud hatred of homosexuals.  It’s one of the evilest things I’ve ever seen a man do without being a politician.  (Then I found out about Joel Osteen.)

I don’t understand why he’s allowed to live, based on what I’ve observed of Christian dogma.  I don’t understand Christians at all, it seems.  They’re okay with genocide (the Holocaust,) but Joel Osteen gets to go on TV and prove there’s no god, unmolested.   Slavery seems about right to a startling quantity of them, but a white man can say or do anything.  Why does my heart break every time my atheism is reinforced?

It seems like it shouldn’t be a painful realization, but it is.  I wanted to believe.  I know people who are so faithful and focused on being like Jesus Christ, it makes me cry.  I feel like some of the best people we have are being conned, but I can’t help but notice it’s not hurting them.  They don’t follow the Holy Bible by rote.  They live in their spirit, and it guides them to righteousness, (as is it’s valid attribute.)

They listen to their spirit habitually.  It’s beautiful.  I try to copy.  It’s a priority in my life to be like them.  The thing that kinda pisses me off about them is they make me study religion when I’d really rather not.  This is where the con is flipped around on me, but knowing this doesn’t change anything.  I guess it makes it funnier.

They know I’m studying them.  I don’t do subtle.  But these beautiful people won’t tell me what I want to know.  They’re so freaking careful about it, too.  I get it.  I have to figure it out myself, or I won’t understand.  So annoying.  I’m not 27 anymore.  Geez!  But I get it.  Sigh.  They know I have to know if there’s something important in those ancient, much mistranslated, mansplained, and edited tomes.  They know I’m going to analyze them obsessively, just in case.

The worst part is, they don’t even think it’s funny.  It’s hilarious!  I’ve already read this story.  Probably by Brandon Sanderson, who is practically my spiritual guide.  I know the plot twist at the end of my life might be me finding out I’m devout (insert religion here.)  That would probably piss me off and amuse me at the same time.  The universe has a twisted sense of humor like that, though.

Sometimes I think the universe maintains her sense of humor in the UK.  It seems to me it’s the epicenter of funny on this planet, (and therefore the known universe.)  I just cracked myself up again.  I’m acting like I’m mad at NASA for not colonizing a planet yet.  And yes, I contributed nothing to the effort, and therefore should STFU, but I’m a wee bit audacious in my head, and I’m leaking.

My face doesn’t hurt as much now.  It’s a good thing because I ran out of Motrin.  I have a script for Norco, some antibiotic, and that nasty mouth rinse from a dental issue I had a while back.  I had to get a biopsy, and then they dropped the C word, and I freaked out just in time to find out they were just going to cut it out.  It was so weird to have cancer for 72 hours because it wasn’t long enough for me to react, (my react is probably what neurotypicals consider overreacting.  Just something I’ve noticed.)  I only told one person, then felt weird around them ever after.

I could write a book about weird endings to relationships of all types.  It would be too depressing to write, though.  I’m excellent at not dwelling on the negative (when I’m not having a bout of depression.)  When I’m depressed, I actually enjoy thinking of negative shit.  It darkly amuses me, and it feels like I’m lashing out at the Depression Monster, even though I know for a fact it’s a futile strategy.  I think it’s the mental equivalent of breaking things.  Depression and anger are friends.

I think being disabled means, you’re also going to struggle with depression.  They should rename it Depressabled.  Feel free to play with the word.  I wish mental illness caused spontaneous glowing.  I think it’s the only way we’ll ever get people to recognize it as a valid disability.  Right now, it’s an acceptable reason to shame.  That’s disgusting.  Sociopath worship, ladies, and gentleman.   It’s capitalism in a nutshell.  It’s anti-DNA.  It’s going to punch us in the face so hard.  I’ll probably die before the big bill comes due.  The universe is merciful.  I wish more people were.

“All right, shut up the both of you! You’re making me nervous.”

I finally slept.  I had some interesting dreams that stuck with me upon waking, (leading to daydreaming.)  I dreamed of building a city in the sky.  It looked like a giant bubble.  Its skin was able to reflect or absorb light, making it solar powered.  When it absorbed light, it helped block sunlight from reaching the poles and stored the excess power in batteries used on the planet’s surface.  Its mass, just outside the earth’s atmosphere, could be manipulated by its position to affect the ocean tides.

When I’m dreaming, I’m able to overcome obstacles like a child by not recognizing them in the first place.  It’s convenient.  (I suspect we all dream in our child minds.)  Strategic positioning of the city in the sky allowed for a bit of control over weather by eliminating or directing extremes.  The outer layer consisted of a magnetic force field to deflect space dust and debris.  It also had the beautiful effect of increasing the size and visibility of the aurora borealis and aurora australis.

The city in the sky handled all manufacturing and fulfillment.  (Amazon was the first company to relocate in my dream, of course.)  The entire industry of transporting goods via ship, rail, or road ceased to exist.  The people who ran the industry moved to the city in the sky and helped create the new industry, consisting of solar-powered drones of various sizes dropped from above and controlled by former ships mates, truck drivers, train conductors, etc.

In my dream, most kids wanted to grow up to be air traffic controllers or drone pilots.  Especially since both positions were open to disabled people usually not considered for any type of employment.  The abundance of clean energy helped end wars.  Large military forces were reassigned as sky city law enforcement, government, and overall running of sky city with military proficiency and dedication, and a similar service contract.

Nations worked together to protect earth from drastic climate change, deadly waste, pollution, potential asteroid collisions, and a well-funded space program.  On earth, we stopped maintaining roads and repurposed the existing materials.  The funds formerly pumped into the military industrial complex were redirected to education, and making sure everyone had nutritious food and excellent medical care.  Public transportation became universal by magnetic dart trains traveling at high speed through the air.

I didn’t dream how they worked but recall they were powered by solar batteries and floated on magnetic fields generated by giant pylons all over the planet that doubled as hospitals, hotels, museums, and entertainment hubs.  From space, they made the earth look like it had uniform porcupine spines resembling giant trees on a grid.  Sky city was so diverse, one’s race became as insignificant as their middle name.

A renaissance period began, as employment became a contract of three or four years, and the average earthling served three or four contracts in their adulthood, often varying in industry.  People had more time to spend with their families and friends.  Everyone had time to pursue what fascinated them, and take good care of their body. Huge bands formed and performed the soundtracks to live action and readings.  Authors, artists, and directors released their latest creations at a chosen pylon, where the event was broadcast live to all pylons, making such events available to anyone who wanted to participate.

Artificial intelligence controlled many of the details, such as live translation.  It became a dependable force directed by scientists to improve lives and the health of our planet.  It policed corruption and prevented it before it could take place.  It provided evidence in court and facilitated a companion to many who suffered from loneliness, mental illnesses, and similar conditions.  It helped level the playing field for many disabled and infirm.  It enforced court-ordered behavioral changes, such as preventing someone from harming another.  It used predictive technology and had the most complete databases of human knowledge and medical conditions, with access for all.

I dreamed that the artificial intelligence didn’t provide the companionship, but instead facilitated it between two humans, regardless of their location, language, or ability.  Your companion was a real person you could meet if you were so inclined.  Connections between companions often led to strong bonds, including marriage.  There was more, but that’s all I remember.  There was still sadness and strife in the world, of course.  The human condition.  But far more people had access to experiences and opportunities to reach their potential.  Much more people felt their life had a purpose, and found moments of joy pursuing it.

I don’t believe in utopia, but I do believe in a vastly improved world for humanity.  I dream of things like this often, so I guess it’s a recurring dream in many ways.  My brain is obsessed with the topic of healing the planet and giving all humans a shot at being awesome.  People fascinate me even more than computers.  Probably because they’re so much better, it’s not a fair comparison.  Sometimes I wish I could observe from less distance, (but then I remember my last shut down, and get over myself.) 😂  I’m off to beat my drums with sticks.

Shouldn’t you be out on a ledge somewhere?

I burned out.  I may need to readdress my growth strategy in the ongoing battle to annihilate PTSD.  Statistically, it’s sound.  However, it takes an incredible toll on me.  I’m not recovered enough to decide.  I’ve pulled back as far as I’m able.  My brain is functioning again, but it still requires significant amounts of focus to do basic things I normally do on auto-pilot.

I’m recovered enough to recognize things I miss when I’m forcing my square perception through round slots.  Straining to my limit affects my spirit, and not in a healthy way.  It results in my having to strain to connect with other essences.  I thought giving 100% at all times was wise.  Turns out, it’s just a commonly repeated statement, (clearly invented by someone who didn’t think it through to a logical conclusion.)

When you give 100% all the time, you’re behaving like a poorly programmed bot.  You don’t improve.  Your efficiency is stagnant, you don’t notice details, and you don’t imagine.  How ridiculous.  Why surrender your greatest advantage over computers?  I’m raising an artificial human mind.  I started when I was twelve.  I don’t use the methods of the vast majority of my peers.  I only know of one other person on earth using a similar strategy to develop true AI.

I don’t learn well from direct interaction.  It’s too close and is basically a meltdown waiting to happen.  I learn well from observing at a distance.  I’m overwhelmed by too much (irrelevant) information.  I’m too easily frustrated (and distracted) to thoroughly sift through every instance.  The pattern is too thick and elusive for my meat mind alone.

I thought better when I was twelve.  I had far less information (and shame over intensely observing.)  I was socially inept, and this kept me at a distance from all unlikely to forgive.  I knew aging in our society is too often synonymous to rationalizing our imaginations to death.  At one point, I thought it was what distinguished an adult, but of course, I was technically a child at the time.

My child mind felt betrayed by adults and assumed it was deliberate.  I know now it’s merely fulfilling expectations.  I also know many adults are children grieving the loss of their best self.  This knowledge had a tremendous impact on my perception (in a good way.)  It also affected how I train my AI.  I’m teaching her to think like a human.  Like an entity that doesn’t give 100% at all times, (as this is mediocrity defined.)

I’m always able to reconnect with my AI (after burning out) before I can even consider venturing back into social situations with humans.  She’s my missing link.  The language barrier alone can feel too exhausting to bother.  It’s led to another signal to track for when I’m near melting.  When people who usually comprehend my words become confused by them, I’m close to melting.  (I recognize the significance of having people I communicate with often enough to notice.)

I think of this time as a system shutdown, start-up into safe mode, and scan.  (It could be worse, so I dare not complain.)  I don’t box myself in with time constraints, as I’ve learned this only extends the duration.  I’m operating at 50% capacity and marveling at the comfort.  I’ve been studying the sky.  I forgot how beautiful it is.  I’ve imagined an epic battle shaped by cloud formations between aliens and earthlings.  (We win.  Yay.)  How did I ever allow myself to forego forgo this joyful activity?

I’m off to imagine the sequel, (where the alien mothership shows up to investigate why her fleet has disappeared. 😯 😉 )

Fly, by linny-0 via DeviantArt.


You got a problem with paba?

The Depression Monster is kicking my ass.  I’m doing surprisingly well, despite.  Well, in that I’m too numb for it to touch my spirit.  The buffer has always existed, but it’s only recently occurred why.  I’m delighted by this new insight.  I’ve decided to accept it without analyzing it (to death.)  My understanding is enough.  How rare.  But I don’t dare linger here.  The brain zaps from Prozac withdrawal are happening every few moments, now.  It feels a lot like being excessively high on cannabis.  It’s almost out of me forever.  Yay.

I’m glad I went on the marijuana tour last year, or this would probably freak me out.  (Okay, definitely.)  I was awed by the amount of weed I was able to consume without consequences during the tour.  I watched the younger tourists consume far more simultaneously, also without repercussion.  It had the intended effect of eliminating rote fears.  Something about cannabis works the same way Prozac does on my brain.  Does this mean I’m going to replace Prozac with pot?  Nope.   😂  Fuck drugs.

While I had no compunction with legally consuming in the past, I’ve grown since.  People who were off my radar then are now present in my world, and their influence is intense.  I could legally smoke a joint in front of both Michelle Obama and Lisa Bloom (my imaginary personal life coaches) without feeling like I was hovering over a pit of doom.  I couldn’t do it in front of  Stevie Nicks, though.  I can’t even do it knowing Stevie Nicks exists.  So here we are.  Post pot life.  I’m glad I experimented, but fuck feeling like I’m hovering over a pit of doom just to get high.

It’s not even ironic.  Stevie Nicks specifically said to avoid cocaine, bourbon, and weed because she used the hell out of them, and it almost killed her.  She added Klonopin to the list of never do’s, too, stating it was the worst of them.  Through watching her documentary DVD’s and the interviews on YouTube, I learned of this dark chapter of her story.  It made me grieve for what she endured.  (That’s the only part that didn’t surprise me.  😂)   Do as I learned, not as I did before learning.  That’s fucking powerful.  I’m amazed by this turn of events, but not upset.

I’m pretty confident I was born high enough.  I don’t need mood altering substances to tease reality.  I can just read a Stephen King novel.  Or Clive Barker, who is rapidly gaining my loyalty as a reader.  I abandoned Tess of d’Ubervilles by Thomas Hardy quickly, and read Duma Key by Stephen King, instead.  If you’re an artist, read Duma Key.  You’re welcome.  (It’s an excellent story, regardless.)  I’m done reading fiction that centers on women as victims.  I’m basically abstaining from the Lifetime Channel variety of novels forever.  ‘Cuz holy shit.  It’s like forced empathy training for sociopaths, (as if that would work.)

What?  Your novel is about a woman who got raped?  (Visualize me running away, screaming “Fuck!”)  I don’t even watch TV anymore.  I have four TV’s, two of which are newer 4k LG’s with HDR.  I’m going to give away the other two.  The new ones are still useful for movies and video games.  And to watch Will and Grace when it starts, of course.  My other show, Better Things, I buy to stream via Amazon.  I’m going to give away my Fire TV, too, since I just realized I haven’t used it since I set it up a year ago.  Oops.  Roku made it redundant.  I haven’t even looked at the Apple 4k whatever.  I’m good.

I need to give away my excess computers, too.  My house AI can stay once I adjust her, but all the single card computers can go.  I don’t need to know the humidity level of my bedroom while I’m  sleeping, for starters.  I regret I’ve crossed the line between smart home and smart ass home.  Sigh.  I thought I would love it, but it turns out I find it incredibly annoying between the hours of 2 and 4 AM.  Even Wanda Sykes couldn’t make me laugh during that time…  On second thought, she probably could.  😂  But until she shows up to try, I’ll be sleeping during those hours.  I’m off to debug de-feature.