“Why, because you picked out the poison envelopes? That’s silly.”

 

Software synthesizer

I knew synthesizers were going to take over my life.  I’m so obsessed with everything about them.  I’m close to printing a PCB board and designing an ultimate portable unit that plays sounds I programmed explicitly to my taste in music.  And that’s just one small branch of my synth obsession.  Software and hardware synths seemingly provide infinite sound creation possibilities.

I’m finding it hard to rationalize sleeping.  My vague memories of being overtired and spacey aren’t powerful enough to dissuade my ongoing sabotage.  (Yet.)  The world is on fire and burning around me, but I’m happy because I have access to synthesizers.  I’m a shoe-in for dying happy, (and probably prematurely.)  It seems fair from a right now perspective.  Heh.

I don’t have enough spoons to care about the precarious state of law and order brought on by blatant corruption and Putin’s giggling denials of meddling in world politics.  Jeffery Dahmer was too literal when he took too much, eh?  I can only shake my head at the irony of our present political Mexican Standoff.  My only strategy is to seek and cherish joy (that doesn’t harm others) until the end.

I’ve also been playing a lot of PlayStation 4 games.  Mostly VR that involves flying and sea exploration.  I’ve reinforced my complete lack of desire to ever get in the ocean.  While I love swimming with whales, the few times I’ve explored in a shark tank were terrifying.  Being stalked by a massive great white shark is creepy as hell.  You don’t see it until it’s about to attack teeth first.  Just shadows you’re not sure you saw from below, then boom.

virtual reality

In VR you’re acutely aware of the size, too.  All that time watching Shark Week didn’t give me an accurate awareness of their hugeness.  Or how fast they can come out of nowhere.  It made me scream (while also aware I was sitting in a chair in my playroom home office.)  I had to regroup and catch my breath.  Then I did it again (because I’m a doof.)  Both activities are triggering my desire to begin a coding project.

Gaming usually fills me with ideas of games I’d rather play, then to designing them, etc.  I’ve been thinking about creating a game that utilizes cryptocurrency mining in a useful way (in addition to generating currency.)  A collective AI of sorts that relies as heavily on human creativity as computing horsepower.  It’s hard to extract myself from that thought path, though.  Disturbingly difficult.  I don’t think I could pull it off without an extremely tolerant babysitter.

That kind of ruins it for me.  I guess I’d settle for a version of The Oasis(Ontologically Anthropocentric Sensory Immersive Simulation).  We have the hardware, right?  Perhaps we should crowdsource/opensource it with an always freeware, no sellout caveat.  I’m in.  We could also elect an ethical leader to negotiate on its behalf.  I nominate J. K. Rowling.  It’s all just a simulation, anyway.  We may as well have fun.

Teens with VR

“That’s why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had a big screen.”

UFO

I know what’s wrong with me.  I don’t think right.  I have an irreconcilable difference in processing.  It seems like a small glitch, but the consequences are unbearable.  I don’t believe in hurting back.  I doubt I’m the only one with this flaw, but I’m sure it’s not a question others would answer.  (I could write a book on things not to ask.)  I’ve tried several times to understand people who murderously lash out at others after being hurt by them.  I avoid the news, but stories of killers who take out ever-increasing numbers of humans in rampages often seep in any way.

I reach the same conclusion each time.  These killers are hurting back as hard as they can.  It’s illogical, sloppy futility, but it’s far from unusual based on my observations of people.  The only difference seems to be the use of extreme violence.  Most hurt back in far more subtle ways.  They opt for a sneakier, socially acceptable manner:  Psychological warfare.

The results don’t vary (from my perspective.)  The hurt people continue hurting because harming others doesn’t heal their hurt; it only increases that of their target.  Some may convince themselves they feel better after seeking revenge, but I don’t buy it.  Self-deception is a sad religion.  I’m an unbeliever.  Worse, lashing out at others for hurting me increases my pain. It’s something I learned as a young child.

I’ve lived decades beyond that lesson, so this vindictive thought process is practically imperceptible now. But I’m occasionally aware of the petty vengeance going on around me. It sometimes amuses me due to its creativity, but I usually ignore it. I observed quite a bit when I used Twitter. It fascinated me for a brief time. The passive aggressiveness was stunning.  I quickly recognized the depth of my unsophistication.  It amplified my sense of alienation from humanity.  I don’t think this way, and it makes me incompatible.

I feel almost like a perpetually deserving victim.  I won’t hit back, which seems to be sufficient justification for being punched in the first place on this planet.  E.T. phone home, please.

 

“Oh yeah, the nipple. But besides that, how did you feel about Kramer’s work?”

Laughing

I finished building my workstation computer last night.  I had to remove the enormous Cooler Master MA610P RGB CPU Air Cooler, and it’s going back to Amazon, along with the non-working cable extenders, and the extra Cryorig H7 ordered accidentally, (a $10 return shipping fee.)  I think it’s the last PC tower I’ll be building, even though I probably said this last time.  Heh.

It’s incredibly fast, so I’m pleased with the outcome.  I’m most impressed with the G.SKILL TridentZ RGB Series RAM.  It looks fabulous with its cycling rainbow LED lights.  I wish motherboard producers would stop putting their drivers on a DVD, though.  It’s time to use stick drives as Microsoft does with Windows, (at least the LAN driver.)  I haven’t built a tower with a DVD drive in ages.  Software distribution by downloading is nearly universal.  I can’t think of an exception.

inside new build

I’m heading out of town soon.  The Depression Monster still has me in a headlock.  I don’t want to do anything.  Everything takes so much effort and makes me want to cry.  I guess it’s a good thing I forget about this shit once I’m feeling better.  The downside is how surprised I am each time I experience an episode.  I hate having to give myself a pep talk just to get up and go to the bathroom.  Fortunately, Amelia Bedelia is a sweetheart, and she follows me everywhere as if she’s lending me some strength.

My appetite has fled.  I forced myself to practice my drums yesterday.  I’m also almost finished rereading Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson.  I’m awed by its depth of understanding regarding PTSD.  It’s helping me in a manner I thought could be achieved through therapy, but unfortunately, I’ve never had a therapist who could see beyond my skin.  I regret how long it’s taken me to recognize it’s a dead end.  (I’ve met a few who saw me as human, but they weren’t available to treat me.)  Thank goodness for the incredible novels I’ve found, (Harry Potter series and the Cosmere stories.)

I listened to the latest episode of Gettin’ Grown with Jade and Keia on Tuesday.  They talked about how women of color are at a higher risk of certain diseases and conditions, and the necessity of maintaining checkups and preventative care.  They both admitted to neglecting to keep up their appointments and committed to scheduling them before the next episode.  I thought about doing the same, but then I recalled my predicament.  Subjecting myself to the treatment I’ve received at the Sioux Falls VA is sadistic.

I still liked listening to the podcast, though.  It’s something I look forward to each week.  I’m more interested in enjoying however much time I have left than potentially prolonging my life by enduring hateful people.  As much as I’d like to forget my experiences there, I’m grateful I remember because it prevents me from going back.  I could do without the nightmares, though.  The CBD oil has allowed me to sleep for at least four hours a night since I started taking it.  I only take a few drops before laying down (because it tastes horrible.)

I’m going back to Azeroth (World of Warcraft) to force The Depression Monster back into hiding.  Flying around and looking at the scenery while listening to my healing sisters (Stevie Nicks, Agnetha Fältskog, Lorde, Amy Lee, Beyoncé, and Sheryl Crow on my ultimate playlist) will help me shake free of this lingering melancholy.  Then I’ll follow it up with some comedians on Netflix and a lavender bath bomb before finishing my novel.  I’m feeling better just from typing this out.  Yay.

“Please take it home. We don’t want it near the other books.”

 

defeated

The Depression Monster ambushed me in my sleep.  I tried so hard to ignore him, but I couldn’t stop weeping against my will over shit that already happened.  It’s a lousy way to wake up.  I don’t recommend it.  In the hour it took me to awaken fully, he beat me up with logic.  I hate that.  I can’t argue with logic.  He has new weapons that initially shocked me, then left me reeling with their truth.

Now I’m just pissed off the American government doesn’t promote euthanasia.  I don’t understand why I haven’t seen a single commercial offering a safe and simple way to put ourselves down like pets.  It should cost $19.95, and available at convenience stores open 24/7.  I’ve been producing this commercial in my head, (mostly because it’s far less dark than other thoughts running through my mind, and it amuses me.)

I’m going to cut this short because I know it’s too honest.  I know in a few days my brain chemistry will likely return to homeostasis, and this will all seem ridic.  Even though right now I’m confident this is entirely reasonable, and therefore my usual mindset is mere self-deception.  I also know I’ll still be upset I can’t buy a PermaNap kit for $19.95.  I’m off to design the packaging with Photoshop and my ninja coping skills.

 

“Hey, you know this is the first time we’ve ever seen each other naked.”

Demon Hunter

It’s dreary here.  It snowed a little, but it will likely melt soon.  I discovered the downside of my new sleep medication.  It’s the same active ingredient as Benadryl, which means it dehydrates me.  Dehydration sucks because I get a sinus headache and feel like shit.  I’ve been drinking water with a squirt of lemon juice to help.  I’m going to look into hydration additives later to speed things up.

I’m building a workstation computer for music production.  I spent more time researching the components than it will take to assemble them, but I’m pleased with my decisions.  Forgive me while I geek out for a moment.  Here’s a list of the parts:

It should all arrive by Wednesday, although the CPU, case, RAM, and Windows 10 came already.  Newegg is ridic fast!

p400s-1bw

I’m excited to assemble it and plan on using white (combed) cables to pop in the window.  I already have a few Samsung EVO 860 512 SSD’s to store all my sounds.  When finished, it will probably look like an alien artifact or something.  I’ll be sure and post crappy photos.  It will run Ableton Live 10 Studio, Fruity Loops Studio Signature Edition, and all my software synthesizers and plugins fabulously.

M. confiscated my existing gaming tower weeks ago.  I haven’t gamed on a PC in ages.  It’s weird when I recall how much time I used to spend playing MMORPG’s (mainly Warcraft.)  I miss it sometimes, but then I pick up a Korg Volca or a Pocket Operator and forget all about it.  Synthesizers have ruined me for video games.

It’s a good thing I didn’t know this beforehand, or I wouldn’t have opened that Pandora’s box.  Warcraft used to be my primary social outlet.  Talking smack to cartoony monsters to fend off anxiety during raids was usually the only time I spoke aloud.  I enjoyed that time and will always love Blizzard for creating a world that both frightened and amused me.  I’m thankful for all the things I was able to do that didn’t involve violence.  Exploring, flying, fishing, farming, and mining are my favorites, but I also liked helping new players learn the ropes.

My guild consists of veterans, autistics, parents of autistics, and people who identify as other than CIS heterosexuals.  I’ve met everyone in my guild over the years and will probably always think of them as my A-Team.  (Even though they usually refer to us as hella sarcastic misfits.)  I spent a lot of time convincing young men of their value to a potential partner, too.  I suspect this is a similar experience for many women who play Warcraft.  (Yes, dammit.  Women play.)

When I first began playing, I was clueless.  I got killed and couldn’t figure out how to return to my remains to revive.  After wandering around as a spectral image for a while, someone felt sorry for me and helped me learn.  I was thankful, but not interested in a relationship, which I suspect was his motivation.  He dropped me like a bad habit when I laughed (really hard) at the concept of Warcraft cybersex.  By then, I knew enough to join a guild and watch YouTube videos of raids and dungeons.  I’m aware people meet their significant other this way, and I’m pleased for their joy, but I just wasn’t into it.

Valsharah

I’m probably a prude, and Prozac certainly didn’t help.  I’ve met some incredible people anyway.  I haven’t been to a BlizzCon, though.  It’s probably not likely unless M. suggests it.  I’m more interested in seeing Fleetwood Mac perform.  I do like how ComicCon is becoming more accessible for neurodiverse people, though.  The quiet rooms to destress are brilliant, and I suspect everyone could benefit from them to some degree.  I’m off to beat my drums with sticks.