“He eats his yogurt like he’s punishing it for disappointing him.”

red heart inside soap bubble

5 Things (that recently made me dance with joy despite, well, everything.)

  1. Grace and Frankie (season 6) is on Netflix.
  2. Crissle is going back to school to be a therapist.
  3. Conan O’Brien was on an episode of My Favorite Murder podcast. (He’s a Murderino, too!)
  4. Amelia B (my cat) on the daily.
  5. It occurred to me I’m a badass survivor. (Perspective adjustments rock.)

“So much for keeping our secrets up high.”

pug lyfe

I haven’t posted in a while. The Depression Monster is standing on my neck (and I refuse to give that bitch a voice.) I discovered a podcast called My Favorite Murder. Yep. I’m a Murderino. (Pauses for judgment.) I didn’t know it, but the only thing holding me back from indulging my morbid curiosity was my former unawareness of Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark’s hilarious, embraceable approach to storytelling. It still scares the shit out of me sometimes, but they figured out how to soothe the terror with humor. It’s an incredible skill.

So that’s where I’ve been. Not done yet; I’ll post more when I feel like myself again. ✌🏽💜

“I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.”

Please take your time. There is much to see.

Welp, it’s time to say goodbye to 2019.  There were some fab experiences and connections made, recovered, maintained, and held onto by a thread (at least in my head.)  The Beyoncè Show was technically in 2018, but it was a bucket list item, so it counts forever.  The same goes for the Fleetwood Mac concert in February.  (Just typing that made me smile.)  It was a therapeutic event at a time when I felt isolated from my (geographical) community.  Witnessing Fleetwood Mac perform in my hometown while surrounded by locals (of Sioux Falls) felt healing on levels I didn’t know existed.

It was a fantastic celebration (after taking the risk and actively doing something to help repair the breach.)  Podcasts became my second favorite infotainment after novels.  (Not thrilled with that word but beggars and all that.)  I can watch non-animated TV again.  I’m delighted I reclaimed this ability while Game of Thrones happened.  I love being alive while people produce excellence together and create something so shiny it moves the world.  I don’t have permission to share things related to (non-famous) people in my world.  Suffice to say; there are people in my tribe who share about themselves things that make me look at them the way I look at Beyoncé. 😆

There was a considerable increase in the number of people I adore.  Cool.  (I think it has something to do with going Full Auntie.)  I learned how to forgive myself and others more effectively.  I’ve (mostly) accepted it’s a necessary and inevitable process that’s not improved by delay.  I’m working on what to do after I’ve forgiven someone who won’t outgrow their offense.  For now, gentle indifference.  I firmly believe in post-mistake recovery.  I can’t believe in throwing people away forever.  Social rules and individuals are both (potentially) fallible and ever-changing.

leaves representing harmony

Figuratively burying outcasts landmines where we all walk is weak.  The Trauma Baton we insist on passing from generation to generation is holding us back as a species in a significant way.  From my viewpoint, it seems we’re finally beginning to address this cycle, which gives me great hope for the future.  I love imagining a world full of emotionally healthy people who aren’t merely surviving or reacting to the past but actively creating the present to support a future in which we can all thrive.  We’ll still have strife and challenges.  They’ll be new, and we’ll figure out how to overcome them, too.  We’re sofa king awesome.  Heh.

I continue to practice being present in my body.  Learning this skill involved acknowledging how much I used to dissociate.  I’m alarmed by how long I lived while not existing in my body, but don’t see any need to delve deeper.  I don’t live that way anymore.  It was something I did to survive, and I’m thankful I had the skill when I needed it.  It feels almost like getting my first 4k HDTV.  Everything looks more honest.  I didn’t know my view was blurry until it wasn’t.  I like it.  The details reveal imperfection and beauty in balance, and now I can believe what I see.  (Shivers while climbing out of my Matrix pod.)   🤭

Next year I’m going to drink more water.  I think I’m getting about half of what I need, which is an improvement over 2018.  Heh.  Pretty sure I’m going to nail it.  I watched episode 10 of The Read TV show.  I laughed so hardCHIKA had me on the floor.  Kid Fury and Crissle do a lot of subtle physical comedy that enhances the hilarious things they say.  When Kid Fury abruptly got up and walked off after Young M.A. cozied up to Crissle, I laughed for like half an hour.  Dear Fuse, (or HBO or Netflix in case Fuse doesn’t like money🙂  I love the show so much, and I need more.  (After they recover, of course.)  I hope everyone knew joy while celebrating holidays (or ignoring them.)  I’m off to beat my drums with sticks. ✌🏽💜

p.s. If the season finds you stapled to the floor by despair, please summon the courage to connect with someone who can help. 💜  International Suicide Hotlines

“I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history.”

statue of anthropomorphized rabbit holding a pocket watch

I’m late, and I’m sorry.  I wrote a whole post, and then WordPress glitched, and the gremlins deleted every word forever.  Now my thoughts are scattered.  Carrie Fisher was like a goddess who made fun of you if you worshipped her.  My friends smirk at each other every time I mention I’m in a band.  Heh.  I can handle the truth, but I prefer to whine a bit while I do it (slowly.)  I didn’t share anything from my study of Dolly Parton because she values her privacy.  (See: nunya.)

I can tell you this:  I love her.  (This is where you act surprised, and proclaim, ditto.)  🤭 I’m saving Curb Your Enthusiasm for a time when I need it.  I love knowing it’s there.  It allows me to risk trying new stuff, even if I suspect it will result in being stapled to the floor.  (I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.)  I’m having so much fun leveling up to 120 in Warcraft.  Yesterday I accidentally walked in the path of an elite monster two levels higher than me.

Picture it.  Sicily, 1922:  the battle of my toon’s life began.  It took an excruciatingly long time, but I survived, and the monster did not.  I’m a tank, which means if I keep my cool, I’m tough to kill.  (It’s a crapshoot.)  The reward was junk, worth like 15 silver.  (Blizzard is hilarious.)  Then, while I was standing there laughing about the insulting loot, it happened again.  The monster had a freaking sibling.  I ran away and lived to tell this tale.  It chased me for a ridic long time, though.  Blizzard.  🤭

Meth.-Were-On-It.-Images_4
It is real.

M said our safe word the other day, which means freeze, you’re hurting me.  (It’s usually a case of playing too fast and loose with words, requiring a break to think about why you’re an asshole right now.)  I was out of balance.  It happens.  I zoom in on a single area and get my geek on, then neglect other things (because time has us all in a headlock.)  Whoops. I fixed it.  I had the urge to punch someone in the face earlier.  It surprised me because the trigger was someone from Sioux Falls talking shit about Sioux Falls.

First of all, what the hell?  How can you know Sioux Falls and not love it?  Who hurt you?  Of course, my inner adult insisted it was a fix-your-face-and-walk-away situation. (‘Sup, Midwesterners? ✌🏽)  But I’m still a little irked.  I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states if you insult Sioux Falls as an insider, it best be funny, yo.  Breaking it all willy nilly might get you face-punched by a local.  (We all have failed-at-adulting days.) What?

Issa Rae was on The Read TV show on Friday.  Is it ist for me to say she’s breathtakingly beautiful?  I’m putting an Issa Rae not-in-the-same-room restraining order on myself because there’s no way I could be in her presence without staring and not blinking (until someone tells me to snap out of it.)  Heh.  So anyway, she’s fabulous.  I also enjoyed the four wardrobe changes in a single episode — logistics flex, alone.  🤭 I’m off to watch it again (and feel incredibly proud of other people’s kids.)  💜✌🏽

“Who’s Justice Beaver?”

cat peeking out from behind pillows
Amelia B

I finally made it to my dental appointment.  It took a while for me to grok the victory.  But once I did, I was no longer stapled to the floor from massive energy depletion.  It’s embarrassing how quickly I felt better by merely adjusting my perspective.  Now I have to acknowledge how much shit I’ve made harder by picking a viewpoint without benefits. Welp.  May as well skip the regret (because who has time to double down on mistakes?)

Did you see Dr. Keia from Gettin Grown podcast on The Read tv show? (!!!)  More importantly, did you hear her?  I got chills.  Then I rewatched it several times until M confiscated the remote.  (It kept repeating the same ad.)  I can’t remember the last time I ran in place while pointing at the TV and squeeing.  🙃  (Oh, yeah.  Homecoming.  😆)

I installed some acoustic panels in my apartment to get rid of the echo (or something.)  The sound didn’t behave properly before, and now it does.  Thanks, YouTube.  It feels like I made a drastic change, but it was easy.  My ears don’t get fatigued anymore if that makes sense.  I can listen to everything at a lower volume and not miss dialogue or lyrics.  I got them in white squares, and now I know the difference between white and eggshell.  Sigh.

Warcraft Shadowlands Bastion

Oh well.  It’s not like I have a strict design theme to maintain.  😂  I’m still laughing at the two years of my life I spent pretending to be a minimalist.  (I was a don’t-you-dare-open-anything-with-a-door-ist.)  I spent a lot of time taking crappy photos of my space while feeling superior to other consumers for no reason.  All it accomplished was a mild complex about opening closets.  I was over it the second it dawned on me.  Now my theme is whatever makes me smile.

I’m still listening to The Chain by Evanescence repeatedly.  I made a playlist with that, and four versions by Fleetwood Mac, (including a live recording.)  Fleetwood Mac’s original release of The Chain is one of the first songs I learned to play by ear on the drums.  It forced me to focus on the beat, not on listening to the band.  I play along with the new version using an orchestral kit, which is fun.  I love the reinterpretation.  Amy Lee is so fabulous.  I’d trust Pink and Kelly Clarkson to do a Fleetwood Mac song reinterpretation, too.

I upgraded my Warcraft account, including preordering Shadowlands.  I got a free level boost to 120, but I can’t do it.  It would take the fun out of it.  (I still have two unused 110’s.)  I reached level 114 the last time I played.  The anniversary experience buff is welcome.  All my skills are low all over again, and I still think archaeology blows compared to farming, but whatever.  Plenty to work on over the winter.  I’m not pleased about the dogs and cats that keep wandering into fights only to die, though, Blizzard.  Not cool, yo.  Time to hire a company psychologist, eh?  I’m off to play zoomed-in, (so I don’t accidentally murder cat-shaped pixels.)  💜✌🏽