“Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.”

 

As I’ve been recording myself reading past blog entries, I ran into a problem. Here’s how I hope to work around it:  I want to hire a podcaster to read and record some of them on my behalf. I’m not going to repost all of them; only the ones I feel may be helpful to others. (The Pain Scale is what I believe the most valuable post on my site, for example.)

I’m going to take a risk and contact the podcaster that immediately came to mind. I’ve already accepted there will likely be a panic attack involved in the process, so bring it, Anxiety. I keep my anti-Anxiety tools arranged on a bamboo tray atop my filing cabinet. (That’s right, Anxiety. Coping with your antics is now part of my decor.) 🤭

anxiety decor

Reading back has been emotionally draining. My memories consist of how I felt at a point in time. From there, I can often recall scents, sounds, and a few blurry visuals. The only certain parts are the feelings, however.

On top of that, I can’t do time in my head. (I’ve never possessed this ability.) For me, there are three categories: Everything happened in either the distant past, recently, or yesterday. If you need me to be more specific, you’re going to be disappointed, because I’m going to guess (likely while walking away.)

I liken it to someone who was traumatized when learning math, and thus automatically dissociates when forced to do math in their head publicly. We probably both decided as children; these are boundaries. I know if someone tells me they hate math, never ask that person to do math in their head. I recognize there’s a very high chance they’re anxious about it, so that’s what I accommodate. (Many people have math anxiety. Bill and Melinda Gates are some of the people working on improving how we teach kids.)

elephant grafiti
Photo by Bryan Gomes from Pexels

Podcasters, I decided against a list. Instead, I will share about podcasts I love and why regularly. Whenever I make a list of people, I end up taking it down (as soon as I recognize it’s what’s causing the pain in my gut.) A list feels like I’m ranking people, and that grosses me out. (I live in what wants to be a glass house when it grows up.) 🤭

Recently, I was so happy to discover A Very Special Self-Quarantine Episode of Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend podcast. They created it at the producers’ home (Matt Gourley,) and it was hilarious. Also, Sona Movsesian, (his Trusted Assistant™) along with Andy Daly,  David Hopping, and why are you still here? 💜✌🏽

p.s. I’m more excited about Stevie Nicks today than I was when I began my deep dive into discovering the Queen of Rock, a while back. Also, Fleetwood Mac rules. 🙃

5 thoughts on ““Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.”

  1. “Everything happened in either the distant past, recently, or yesterday.” –> so very much yes! But, it seems like that is as much a “standard-issue neurodiverse thing” as a trauma thing (not that those are easy to tell apart when you’ve got both.)

  2. So relatable. I’m preparing for yet another SS hearing and had to filter through everything on record to see if anything needs to be added. Doing so felt like repeated kicks to the gut. Excellent idea to have someone read them for you. Hoping today is best as can be for you 🌸

    1. Fingers crossed for your upcoming hearing. Hugs for the gut-kicks. I’m doing well, all things considered. I hope you are as well. 💜

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