“Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn’t mean they’re creating a race of mutant pigmen.”

colorful marbles

I lost my rhythm.  I’ve been silent for a while, processing.  It becomes an all-consuming task when I lose my groove;  (I hate being in this state because it’s so vulnerable.)  It’s like suddenly being thrust back into your five-year-old skillset, while still trying to function as an adult.  I can’t mask my autism or PTSD symptoms from stranger danger when like this.

The universe is reminding me I’m disabled.  It feels like an unnecessary smack-down.  My resulting attitude pretty much determines how long the reminder will last.  Yay (sarcasm).  Fortunately, when I can’t talk, I remember how to listen well.  I pick up on things I likely wouldn’t have, otherwise.  I caught some wisdom while hearing Gettin’ Grown with Jade and Keia podcast, yesterday.

It struck me my relationship with Jade and Keia is fascinating.  I’ve listened to well over 100 hours of their podcast.  Since I don’t participate in social media, I’m not part of the conversation.  My perspective interests me because on virtually all the episodes so far; I think they’ve been nearly exhausted and running on their last spoon when they record, (busy/many jobs.)  DNA molecule

Based on what I learned in the Army, I understand how sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion can combine to remove all social and emotional shields.  I think it results in a very genuine, heartfelt podcast.  It’s as if they stand before their audience naked every week, and it’s why I trust their sincerity.  I don’t need to judge them as they’re not posing.  No ace bullshit detector required.  I like that.  (Especially since mine kind of sucks.)  🙃

I’m delighted by the information and wisdom I acquire by merely listening.  I appreciate the spontaneity and thought language resulting from extemporaneous speaking on the podcast.  (Especially knowing Keia is a scholar used to defaulting to scholarly linguistic rules all day.)  One thing Keia touched on this week was how we tend to reject in others what we dislike within ourselves.

We're all connected

It jumped out at me and said, boo!  I’ve been thinking about it since.  I need to program a delay for some think-time before rejecting anyone for anything in the future.  Then I need to figure out if I’m projecting.  And knowing me, while simultaneously pondering whether or not theoretical psychology (projecting) is bullshit.  Heh.

During this recent processing time, it’s occurred to me I may care too much.  I fear I might be taking life too seriously of late.  As far as I know, I’m stardust with delusions of selfhood.  Most evidence I’ve gathered so far informs me we’re all connected.  I’ve spent my life building on that same model in search of answers to a question I still don’t know how to ask.  I think I’m finally beginning to understand how to hear, though.  (That seems a significant skill to master before asking anything, eh?)  Yay.  I’m off to practice.

2 thoughts on ““Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn’t mean they’re creating a race of mutant pigmen.”

  • Intriguing what you said about exhaustion and the removal of emotional shields. I wonder if my chronic fatigue is the reason crying is inevitable when I feel any emotion very deeply. Or maybe I am overly sensitive, too. 🙂

  • It could well be as you say. Possibly both. Personally, I think crying is our built in coping mechanism for intense emotions. For some ridic reason, our hyper-masculine society demands we fight off this natural urge for the sake of appearances. It’s pretty gross. I embrace crying, even though I don’t enjoy it. My body knows what it’s about. I try not to let my tears get backed up because they tend to overflow at the worst possible time if I neglect them. Heh.

    When people are drained, and therefore barely able to function typically, things like shields, and masks are dropped because they require (a lot of) resources already spent. It’s a valuable bit of information, IMO. Very few can game this system because it requires deliberate, repetitive training under barely survivable circumstances. (No, thanks!)

    One thing I noticed is how we utilize this knowledge without realizing it (usually when young.) I remember slumber parties in junior high where we’d stay up all night talking. By the next morning, you unconsciously knew which people you could trust, because you observed them in this drained state, unshielded and unmasked, while sharing nonstop. Teenagers and young adults seem to instinctively spend time with their peers in this state, often hanging out at night testing curfews, etc. It’s no wonder they need so much sleep.

    I find it fascinating. I think you’re a gentle soul, and being sensitive is part of the deal. Crying when you feel deep emotions is brilliant in my book. Right up there with eating when hungry. 🙃 💜

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