I lost my rhythm. I’ve been silent for a while, processing. It becomes an all-consuming task when I lose my groove; (I hate being in this state because it’s so vulnerable.) It’s like suddenly being thrust back into your five-year-old skillset, while still trying to function as an adult. I can’t mask my autism or PTSD symptoms from stranger danger when like this.
The universe is reminding me I’m disabled. It feels like an unnecessary smack-down. My resulting attitude pretty much determines how long the reminder will last. Yay (sarcasm). Fortunately, when I can’t talk, I remember how to listen well. I pick up on things I likely wouldn’t have, otherwise. I caught some wisdom while hearing Gettin’ Grown with Jade and Keia podcast, yesterday.
It struck me my relationship with Jade and Keia is fascinating. I’ve listened to well over 100 hours of their podcast. Since I don’t participate in social media, I’m not part of the conversation. My perspective interests me because on virtually all the episodes so far; I think they’ve been nearly exhausted and running on their last spoon when they record, (busy/many jobs.)
Based on what I learned in the Army, I understand how sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion can combine to remove all social and emotional shields. I think it results in a very genuine, heartfelt podcast. It’s as if they stand before their audience naked every week, and it’s why I trust their sincerity. I don’t need to judge them as they’re not posing. No ace bullshit detector required. I like that. (Especially since mine kind of sucks.) 🙃
I’m delighted by the information and wisdom I acquire by merely listening. I appreciate the spontaneity and thought language resulting from extemporaneous speaking on the podcast. (Especially knowing Keia is a scholar used to defaulting to scholarly linguistic rules all day.) One thing Keia touched on this week was how we tend to reject in others what we dislike within ourselves.
It jumped out at me and said, boo! I’ve been thinking about it since. I need to program a delay for some think-time before rejecting anyone for anything in the future. Then I need to figure out if I’m projecting. And knowing me, while simultaneously pondering whether or not theoretical psychology (projecting) is bullshit. Heh.
During this recent processing time, it’s occurred to me I may care too much. I fear I might be taking life too seriously of late. As far as I know, I’m stardust with delusions of selfhood. Most evidence I’ve gathered so far informs me we’re all connected. I’ve spent my life building on that same model in search of answers to a question I still don’t know how to ask. I think I’m finally beginning to understand how to hear, though. (That seems a significant skill to master before asking anything, eh?) Yay. I’m off to practice.