Today is flying by so quickly. I haven’t slept in a while; there are just so many things I prefer doing. Sleep is a necessary chore I avoid as much as possible. It’s when my mind attempts to process all the terrible things I force myself to pretend don’t exist while I’m conscious. (I need desperately to overcome my shame for choosing this self-preservation.)
It’s just that it’s the only way I can stand being alive. I give myself a pep talk each time I arise. Life is unbearably painful sometimes. I endure for the moments of joy. It’s not elaborate: I trained myself to recall something fabulous the moment I awaken. I’m going to see Beyoncè in August, and Fleetwood Mac not long after. 😃 😁
I’m getting astonishing mileage out of the anticipation. 🙌🏽 I’m a bit shaky today because I’m not crying as much as my spirit needs. I hate crying, but not as much as I hate bursting into tears at the worst time due to emotional constipation; (especially when I know laughing can easily trigger backed up tears.) Laughing is my favorite thing to do; I don’t want to ruin it.
Instead, I’m going to cry while I play Schindler’s List theme by John Williams on my violin to some cows. It’s like crying while crying. Heh. I’m not even playing because it’s 2018; the year I believe will lead to drug stores selling FDA approved suicide kits for $19.95. The Force is out of balance on our beautiful planet. We all feel it.
I’m overwhelmingly sensitive to the energy of others. I see your pain before I see you; (it’s keener than my crappy vision.) I’m also empathetic by nature. It makes agoraphobia my shadow. I can code for days (with short bio-breaks,) and create worlds I can bask in without the heaviness of hatred and ignorance I’m forced to witness and endure every day.
These digital worlds are a poor substitution for fellowship with humans, of course, but at least they don’t hurt so much. I can breathe, learn, explore, and exist freely there. I can pursue my passions, hone my skills, and develop new abilities. I experience a great deal of contentment and know I could more easily survive for a long time in my private worlds. The temptation to crawl back under that digital rock is intense.
But then I remember what I discovered when I crawled out, not too long ago: Stevie Nicks. (Others as well, but she’s the epitome of why I now exist in the world outside my head, despite everything.) Perhaps you assumed by now I’d calm down and stop being so excited about Stevie Nicks. You know nothing, Jon Snow. 🙃 I’m off to release some sorrow before it overflows. ✌🏽
“In times of crisis, the wise build bridges, while the foolish build barriers. We must find a way to look after one another as if we were one single tribe.” -Black Panther