It’s been a busy week so far. I’ve been silent for a few days, meaning my ability to speak aloud has fled. It happens every so often and to recover my voice I need to force myself to stop freaking out about it. Fortunately, I have a short attention span. It functions as Plan B because eventually, I forget I haven’t said anything in a while, and start singing again. It’s just anxiety.
I don’t know why I’m so anxious lately, but whatever. It’s possible I’m merely over-excited. All my components for my new PC arrived, and I began building it last night. It turns out, the CPU cooler I chose is too big to seat the four RAM chips I bought. Sadly, I installed it before realizing it wasn’t going to work as planned. I tend to function on auto-pilot too often, and this is a consequence. For now, I’ll leave it and only use two chips.
I failed to research this particular component thoroughly enough. Relying on reviews on Amazon and Newegg isn’t as useful as it was in the past. Amazon used to be my favorite e-tailer, but now it’s more like a vast, unorganized garage sale. The search function is a joke as third-party sellers place their items in any category they decide will get the most views, rather than where logic would dictate. Half the time, the things I order are customer returns sold as new products. I despise this practice so much I’m breaking up with Amazon altogether.
I’m finished assembling the PC, and only need to install the OS and drivers. I’ll do it this weekend. I’ve been thinking a great deal about Jesus lately. I was given a different perspective on Christianity recently, and it’s rocked my world. It might be why I’m not talking, now that I think about it. Not enough resources left. 😂 My CBD oil should arrive tomorrow, and I’m hopeful it will lead to sleeping again. I’ve spent my nights this week rereading Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson. I’m finally quiet enough internally to process it as I read, which makes me so happy.
It’s feeding a part of me I don’t know how to identify, but I was so hungry it hurt. It’s also contributing to my thoughtfulness. It’s reminded me of the fact I see all humans as possibly Jesus interacting with me. I remember when I learned I should treat everyone I encounter as if they might be Jesus in disguise. It blew my mind profoundly as a kid. I’ve since recognized the fact many don’t even see me as a human being. I’m somehow less than that to many I’ve interacted with, and while it’s incredibly painful, it doesn’t change how I view others.
Brandon Sanderson writes about this pain in Oathbringer. It’s by no means the focus of the story, but it’s loud and clear. It’s strange, but identifying a source of my inward pain is comforting. When I’m able to understand, it makes healing easier. At the core of my inability to identify as a Christian is my despair over the behavior of (self-proclaimed) Christians. I’ve decided to let go of this distraction. I do know a few who behave as if they believe Jesus is real. I’m thankful to be aware of more than one because one was enough all along. Silly me. 🙃
I’m incredibly relieved to have worked this out. It’s done beautiful things for my joy-noticing ability. I guess I not only had to climb out from beneath that rock, but I also needed to set it down. That last bit is essential. (I’m such a doof for carrying it around for no reason.) 😂 I finally understand why I love people so much, regardless of how they feel about me. I don’t feel like a fool anymore. It’s fascinating to me how much I’ve learned from people I’ve never met this year. Most of them are much younger than me, too.
Now I understand why Stevie Nicks is my fairy godmother. (Although not understanding had no impact on my ability to love her.) I no longer feel weird for adopting Amy Lee as my little sister, even though she doesn’t even know I exist. It’s not necessary. I can still love her and learn from her. Yay. I don’t care that Lily is young enough to be my daughter. She’s a friend and teacher. As are Jade and Keia from Gettin’ Grown. And so what if Lorde (Ella Yelich-O’Connor) is younger than kids I used to babysit. Her music heals me. I understand enough. I now know being silent has more benefits than annoyances, so I won’t bother worrying about my voice returning. I’m off to read about music theory. Peace. 💜