I’m doing better. I think I lost a few friends, but I’m not sure. 😔 I decided since it’s outside my control, I’m not going to obsess over it. It hurts every time, happens often, and I rarely understand why. At least I learned something in the process. I think forcing myself to practice my drums triggered my brain to stop spiraling down. I’m almost positive playing music releases whatever hormone(s) I need to start regaining homeostasis.
The hard part is doing it. It’s like swimming in a pool full of peanut butter. At first, I have to keep stopping to give myself a pep talk just to gain an inch. It’s like trying to read while sitting in front of Mick Fleetwood while he’s doing a drum solo. I seriously think people living with mental illness would shine at using The Force. Sometimes, just focusing enough to complete a simple task is like lifting a spaceship out of a swamp with your mind.
But when the clouds clear, I’m intensely aware of how a chemical imbalance can completely alter my perception. I remember what I was thinking only days ago, but today those same thoughts seem extreme, and black and white. When I’m not having an episode of depression, the difference in how I think is astonishing. I find it disturbing. I probably read too much speculative fiction, but it seems like mind controlling drugs are inevitable. I only wonder how tailored to the individual they’d need to be to have any predictable effect.
I’m preparing for a road trip. I’ll probably hit the road this weekend and begin ticking off locations on my bucket list. I’ve never driven for more than five hours in a row, so it’ll be a challenge. I have made it to Minneapolis and back in a single day. Same with Des Moines, so I’m not too worried. I haven’t broken 3k miles on this car yet. It’s the last car I’ll ever own, so I’m going to drive the shit out of it until it dies. I have an appointment to get a new battery and tune up Friday. I’m taking a laptop so that I can write on the road.
I’m estimating it’ll take me at least a year before I finish writing my novel. Maybe longer. I’m going to look around during the process. I’m heading south and west first because I’ve had enough winter. I want to take my cat along, but I’m still working out the logistics. I had a lengthy discussion with M. yesterday. I haven’t processed most of it yet. He wants me to call him daily, but I despise talking on the phone. I don’t like talking at all, to be honest. But I agreed to do it anyway for him. I’m excited to hit the road. I’m off to plan. ☮️