“What’s that red dot on your sweater?”

Wild tulips, red and yellow.

The Depression Monster broke through my barricades again.  I know I’ve mentioned a few times my imagination is an asshole.  I’m mostly amused by it because I’m in control of whether my imagination leaks out of my head or not.  The Depression Monster is a sinister asshole.  He doesn’t bother with leaking.  He’s an ace strategist.  It’s like having Hannibal in my head, (half Barca, half Lecter.)  He poisons the well with mind-altering drugs, then attacks.

We’re all walking chemical reactions.  When the balance is disturbed, it changes how our minds perceive the world.  What looks red when in balance suddenly becomes yellow.  Your eyes see yellow.  You can’t remember what red looks like because it’s so damn yellow.  You’d bet your life it’s yellow.  But everyone else knows it’s red.  And they get angry at you for believing it’s yellow because it makes them uncomfortable.  So they treat you like you’re lying about seeing yellow.

So you swear you won’t tell anyone about the yellow.  You take your tainted yellow and get the hell away from all the red seeing mean people.  They think it’s helpful to demean and berate you for seeing yellow.  They see you like a naughty pet who peed on the rug.  They’re annoyed because they’re sure you’re just a lying piece of shit who’s deliberately seeing yellow just to piss them off.   So they punish you for it.  They accuse you, yell at you, lie to you, and tease you.

They tell you they understand how much it sucks to see yellow when everyone else sees red.  The red seer’s claim to care about you and want to help you see red again.  Then these understanding red seer’s turn around and tell everyone else about your yellow problem.  Red seer’s you’ve never seen before start attacking you.  They love to taunt the yellow seer.  Kick the yellow seeing dog.  Whisper hateful comments when you get her alone, where nobody else will hear.

Some red seer’s get so excited about having a free dog to kick, they forget to sequester their kick fest and get caught by someone who thinks kicking dogs is cruel.   Unfortunately, it just makes them kick harder and sneakier ever after.  It just makes other red seer’s who were indifferent before become yellow seer haters.  So you swear so much harder never to tell anyone about the yellow.

Then the yellow disappears suddenly, and it’s red again.  Your eyes see red, and it’s a bit of a relief.  But you remember when it looked yellow, and how much it hurt to get kicked by so many for so long.  Then you start wondering if it’ll stay red, or will the yellow come back at the worst possible time.  You lose faith in your eyes.  They lied to you, and you suffered horribly for it.  You still have nightmares about the yellow seeing times.  But you know if you think about it too much it may happen again.

Yellow and red raspberries

So you think about anything else as hard as you can.  You realize you’re terrified of the yellow returning.  Before you know it, your entire life is for making sure the yellow never comes back.   You’ll do anything to prevent it.  Anything, (you think.)  Eventually, you realize what you fear is the red seer’s.  You can’t even drive near the red seer building anymore.  The sight of it signals Anxiety to come out and play.  Anxiety is The Depression Monster’s best friend.  They wear matching t-shirts that say Stronger Together.  Assholes.

So you stay away;  unless Pain tries to kill you.  Then you wait until it hurts so much, you start begging Pain to kill you.  You go to the back door in the middle of the night and ask politely for relief, like a junky looking for any fix to get that Pain off your back.  Sometimes you get some, but usually, you waited too long, so you go home and hate yourself for risking another round in hell over something as silly as Pain.  You call yourself all sorts of names for not sucking it up and driving on.  It’s just Pain.  It’s only a signal!  So you unleash all the hurt and rage on yourself.

Eventually, you decide it doesn’t matter if you see yellow when everyone else sees red, so long as you stay away from the red seers.  They’re freaking everywhere.  It’s not safe to be around anyone when yellow shows up.  It’s a personal problem.  Nobody believes you see yellow.  They’ll try to trick you into telling them, but don’t fall for it.  The punishments get worse over time.  The worse part is, some red seer’s don’t kick.  You know better than to trust it, so it messes with you.  You suspect it just hasn’t happened yet.

But I won’t subject myself to being kicked when I’m down.  It just makes suicide far more appealing and logical.  Which I’m pretty sure is the desired result.  I can’t think of a more efficient manner in helping it along.  But then I see the ones who don’t get kicked.  I recognize why they’re different and it sickens me.  S’up, Nausea?  Glad you joined us!  We were just getting ready to stare at the wall for six hours.  Again.  Yay.