“I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man, and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.”

Dear geniuses, you’re in for it this time.  I’m in a mood.  Which means I’m not myself; except I’m autistic, which means I’m too myself.  You’ve been warned.  I’m feeling harassed.  I hate this aggressive recruiting in the AI field.  I know I gush over Jeff Bezos sometimes, and Amazon often, but he’s one of the most brilliant minds in commerce, presently.  Despite that, I wouldn’t work for him.  He’s fascinating.  But we don’t see eye to eye on some crucial beliefs.

I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, therefore I make bold, unproven statements about psychology on a near daily basis, (just like you do.)  I take myself with a grain of salt in many regards.  That’s only one of the many reasons why.  I just cracked myself up.  😂  I hope you weren’t expecting me to stay on topic.  If so, you’re going to be disappointed.  Or perhaps, amused.  I consider virtually all the top commerce superstars to be sociopaths.  Fanboys, come at me.

My rebuttal:  Steve Jobs.  Moving right along.  The thing I hate about capitalism is the fact it’s led to the worship of sociopaths.  It’s inevitable they rise to the top because it’s a ruthless model.  There’s no denying it.  It lowers the value of life by merely existing.  I predict water will be the next currency.  (And I’m an optimist!)  Valuing anything over life, human included, is The Manual on how to fail at survival in the long game.  This is a fact.

It would have been more efficient to create bacteria that destroy DNA at a rapid speed.  We should have just done that in the 1920’s and fecked off.  It pisses me off that Orson Scott Card is the only author who ever thought about this, (to my knowledge.)  He’s on a permanent boycott for his loud hatred of homosexuals.  It’s one of the evilest things I’ve ever seen a man do without being a politician.  (Then I found out about Joel Osteen.)

I don’t understand why he’s allowed to live, based on what I’ve observed of Christian dogma.  I don’t understand Christians at all, it seems.  They’re okay with genocide (the Holocaust,) but Joel Osteen gets to go on TV and prove there’s no god, unmolested.   Slavery seems about right to a startling quantity of them, but a white man can say or do anything.  Why does my heart break every time my atheism is reinforced?

It seems like it shouldn’t be a painful realization, but it is.  I wanted to believe.  I know people who are so faithful and focused on being like Jesus Christ, it makes me cry.  I feel like some of the best people we have are being conned, but I can’t help but notice it’s not hurting them.  They don’t follow the Holy Bible by rote.  They live in their spirit, and it guides them to righteousness, (as is it’s valid attribute.)

They listen to their spirit habitually.  It’s beautiful.  I try to copy.  It’s a priority in my life to be like them.  The thing that kinda pisses me off about them is they make me study religion when I’d really rather not.  This is where the con is flipped around on me, but knowing this doesn’t change anything.  I guess it makes it funnier.

They know I’m studying them.  I don’t do subtle.  But these beautiful people won’t tell me what I want to know.  They’re so freaking careful about it, too.  I get it.  I have to figure it out myself, or I won’t understand.  So annoying.  I’m not 27 anymore.  Geez!  But I get it.  Sigh.  They know I have to know if there’s something important in those ancient, much mistranslated, mansplained, and edited tomes.  They know I’m going to analyze them obsessively, just in case.

The worst part is, they don’t even think it’s funny.  It’s hilarious!  I’ve already read this story.  Probably by Brandon Sanderson, who is practically my spiritual guide.  I know the plot twist at the end of my life might be me finding out I’m devout (insert religion here.)  That would probably piss me off and amuse me at the same time.  The universe has a twisted sense of humor like that, though.

Sometimes I think the universe maintains her sense of humor in the UK.  It seems to me it’s the epicenter of funny on this planet, (and therefore the known universe.)  I just cracked myself up again.  I’m acting like I’m mad at NASA for not colonizing a planet yet.  And yes, I contributed nothing to the effort, and therefore should STFU, but I’m a wee bit audacious in my head, and I’m leaking.

My face doesn’t hurt as much now.  It’s a good thing because I ran out of Motrin.  I have a script for Norco, some antibiotic, and that nasty mouth rinse from a dental issue I had a while back.  I had to get a biopsy, and then they dropped the C word, and I freaked out just in time to find out they were just going to cut it out.  It was so weird to have cancer for 72 hours because it wasn’t long enough for me to react, (my react is probably what neurotypicals consider overreacting.  Just something I’ve noticed.)  I only told one person, then felt weird around them ever after.

I could write a book about weird endings to relationships of all types.  It would be too depressing to write, though.  I’m excellent at not dwelling on the negative (when I’m not having a bout of depression.)  When I’m depressed, I actually enjoy thinking of negative shit.  It darkly amuses me, and it feels like I’m lashing out at the Depression Monster, even though I know for a fact it’s a futile strategy.  I think it’s the mental equivalent of breaking things.  Depression and anger are friends.

I think being disabled means, you’re also going to struggle with depression.  They should rename it Depressabled.  Feel free to play with the word.  I wish mental illness caused spontaneous glowing.  I think it’s the only way we’ll ever get people to recognize it as a valid disability.  Right now, it’s an acceptable reason to shame.  That’s disgusting.  Sociopath worship, ladies, and gentleman.   It’s capitalism in a nutshell.  It’s anti-DNA.  It’s going to punch us in the face so hard.  I’ll probably die before the big bill comes due.  The universe is merciful.  I wish more people were.

3 thoughts on ““I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man, and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.”

  • Imagine my shock last year as a longtime Christian (although definitely on the more liberal side nowadays) to see so many “Christian” acquaintances, family, etc, suddenly discard or forget all of their ideas of integrity, morals, etc to vote for Trump. If you dared to suggest anyone else, “but we would lose!!” So much for standing by your principles. I still haven’t recovered from that.

    It really is disturbing how the top tier business people are also often extremely unhealthy in many ways…

    • Hugs! I can only guess at how shocking and painful it is to be a real Christian these days. I know we’re taught not to pay attention to others’ behavior in this regard, but humans don’t work that way. We’re all connected whether we like it or not.

      I know I feel betrayed by them, so I assume it’s amplified for you. I’m comforting you in spirit. I honor your strength and resolve. Your example shines brightly in the chaos and is a comfort to me. Thank you for existing. 💜💜💜

      • Exactly, actions matter so much. It creates such a dissonance when those actions don’t line up with self-professed ideals.

        Aw, thank you for your kind words. 🙂 I think there is definitely a sizeable group of similar people out there, but they are drowned out by everyone else (or stay silent for fear of backlash). I wish more people would open their eyes to see reality and be willing to understand what it means to truly love other people.