Ah, the sweet stench of failure.

I’m recovering from a smashed ego, today.  I’m trying to remind myself it’s an uncomfortable growth opportunity.  (It’ll probably go better when I stop internally telling myself off like a Drill Sgt.)  I know I should drop this step altogether, but it’s pretty ingrained, and eventually, it’ll make me laugh.  I think I enjoy swearing so much because it’s a taboo I decided is harmless.  It kinda went like this:  Swear words don’t cause anyone to die. Therefore, they’re harmless.  (I know, it’s toddler logic.)

I wish I could say that was the extent of my error, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg.  I also decided anyone who objected to my liberal use of swear words was being too sensitive, and should just avoid my blog.  Sigh.  When I mess up, I go all out, it seems.  I know better.  Who the hell am I to tell someone else how to feel, or react to my poor behavior?  Who made me the judge of what’s offensive and what’s not?  Where do I get off?  Right here.

I was wrong.  I was arrogant, rude, and insensitive.  I have no right to tell anyone how to feel.  Feelings just are.  Most of us can barely make any sense of them, and none of us can control them without lying to ourselves.  I’m sorry.  I invalidated people.  I did it while whining about being hurt by someone invalidating me, and still didn’t recognize my mistake.  My values are unable to accommodate using profanity.  My blog isn’t private.  I get it, now.  I’m sorry, and I’m correcting my behavior going forward.

I don’t go back and erase the foolish mistakes I’ve made because they’re a powerful reminder.  They’re my big brother punching me in the shoulder, asking, “What did you learn?”  It’s a lot harder to be arrogant when I know my past failures are still out there, ready to bodyslam my ego at any time.  I’m still pretty haunted by my pre-resistance rantings when I fell for divisive lies about Hillary Clinton.  I’m listening to her audiobook, What Happened?.  She narrates it herself, which is important to me.  I’m auditory oriented, (probably because my vision sucks.)

I probably should have waited until I recovered from the above pathetic mistake before I began finding out the depth of my political ignorance.  (Good thing I’m learning how to be a self-care ninja.)  I’m enjoying listening to her.  What I’d give to have done this with one of her other books before I publicly put my foot in my mouth.  Sigh.  It would have guided me away from the lies and propaganda.  Instead, I read sci-fi and fantasy novels, almost exclusively.  Fortunately, I also read Charles Dickens, J.K. Rowling, and John Irving.

Sci-fi and fantasy novels do have lots of information about ethics, but only if I bother to apply what I learn to reality.  J.K. Rowling wrote The Casual Vacancy, and I devoured it.  I have no excuses.  I failed to use what I learned, (despite it being a lesson in my own language.)  I feel like I’ve let down some of my personal heroes after they bent over backward to help me grow.  Don’t try this at home.  (I’m probably going to be dehydrated from this pity party.)

Cry Me a River is playing in my head, to boot.  Can you say drama queen?  Okay, enough wallowing, Alison.  I don’t have time to cry over failing.  I only have time to note where I went wrong, and fix it.  Alison 4.0 is under construction.  My last iteration only made it about 24 hours.  At this rate, I’ll need special characters to keep track.  Alright.  Let’s try this again.  Who the hell am I?  I’m Alison, an American who loves her country.  I’m a woman who has an incredible roster of individuals who exemplify my values where I can observe and emulate.

I’m a flawed human who makes mistakes often.  I’m a striving spirit on a mission to be the best me possible, without hurting others in the process.  I’m a better person today than I was yesterday, so there’s that.  It has to be enough because I’m going to make mistakes in the future.  Here’s to not repeating the same errors.  I’m off to wash my face and get busy.  I hope your weekend is going better than mine! 💜

2 thoughts on “Ah, the sweet stench of failure.

  • I had a no good very bad day. A mirror of my actions glaring in my face. My young assistant reminding me that as I try to right our rocky ship, I’ve been less than stellar. But your words thoughts & reflections do remind me & us your friends, that we do begin again. Every minute, everyday, we are new. Moving forward. That another chance is ahead. You are remarkable. Be gentle to & for yourself Alison!

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