Susie didn’t commit suicide! She was murdered by Jerry Seinfeld!

I put myself on Twitter time-out, today.  I was going to write a long post about how angry I was, but someone made me laugh before I got to it.  She ruined my rage (and I love her for it.)  I know (now) when I start quoting Christian scripture to professed Christians and suggest they read the Holy Bible, it’s time for me to step away from the Twitter.  I still have a caffeine withdrawal headache, but at least it’s reminded me I need to go to the Farmer’s Market tomorrow.  I can hang in there until then, (she said as if she were talking about something serious.)

Content Warning:  Suicide, surviving (SA)

My heart is pretty heavy with the loss of Chester Bennington.  He was a survivor, but the relentless psychological warfare surviving entails got him in the end.  I’ve been listening to Meteora on repeat.  It’s a beautiful, brutally honest suicide note.  It was released in March of 2003.  Twenty-four (plus) years is formidable stamina, in my opinion.  Everyone (aware) who has ever contemplated suicide probably felt the tremor in The Force.  He left behind a wife and six children (from two marriages.)  I hope with all my heart they learn to recognize it wasn’t their fault in any way.

Surviving is a solo act.  There’s (usually) nobody else in your head to help you fight off the emotional infection that festers after sexual abuse.  If you do have another voice or voices in your head, they probably won’t consistently help you heal.  (It only takes one thoughtless comment to permanently lose the trust of an unhealed survivor.)  Whenever someone I care about commits suicide, I forgive them for it.  I know it’s weird, but I think it matters.  (Don’t worry, I won’t explain how.  It’s so meta your eyes would glaze over.)

There’s a song I think many neurodiverse will relate to on Meteora.  Here are the lyrics:

Lying From You

When I pretend, everything is what I want it to be
I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just ’cause I know I can

But I can’t pretend this is the way it’ll stay
(I’m just lying to bend the truth)
I can’t pretend I’m who you want me to be
(So I’m lying my way from you)

No, no turning back now
(I wanna be pushed aside so let me go)
No, no turning back now
(Let me take back my life, I’d rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere on my own ’cause I can see)
No, no turning back now
(The very worst part of you is me)

I remember what they taught to me
Remember condescending talk for who I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that and this again
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in
And now you think this person really is me and I’m
(Trying to bend the truth)
‘Cause the more I push the more I’m pulling away
‘Cause I’m (lying my way from you)

No, no turning back now
(I wanna be pushed aside, so let me go)
No, no turning back now
(Let me take back my life)
(I’d rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere on my own)
(‘Cause I can see)
No, no turning back now
(The very worst part of you)
(The very worst part of you is me)

This isn’t what I wanted to be
I never thought that what I said would have you running from me
Like this
(You)
No turning back now
(I wanna be pushed aside, so let me go)
No, no turning back now
(Let me take back my life)
(I’d rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere on my own)
(‘Cause I can see)
No, no turning back now
(The very worst part of you)
(The very worst part of you is me)

Linkin Park – Meteora

I’m off to beat my drums with sticks.

Autism Thoughts

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