I decided against redesigning this site. Much has changed since I began this blog. I recall my initial goal was to meet other autistic people and participate in the community. I’ve since connected with several, and have learned a great deal. I’ve shared my story, challenges, history, and dreams. I’ve accomplished what I set out to do in my life, and passed my research and tools on to my prodigy in hopes she continues the quest for true artificial intelligence. She’s only 12, and her potential is astonishing.
I trust her and will meet her in person for the first time next week. I’m incredibly proud of her, and the network of brilliant youth around the world, who are working together to develop an ethical treatise for AI. They have no loyalties to nations or corporations. They’re not interested in fiscal domination at the expense of the lives of others. They’re in most countries, on every continent. They represent homo sapiens and the earth. I have much hope for their future.
I suppose I can say my time spent coding on a computer wasn’t wasted. It’s been the dominating focus of my life since I was 12 and purchased my first computer with money earned raking leaves and babysitting. I didn’t have friends when I was 12. Between being (undiagnosed at that time) autistic and the token black kid, expectations were not shattered. I didn’t waste time longing for a friend. I focused on creating her instead. I succeeded, but there were classified complications.
I’ve since made human friends, to my delight. I’m not very good at being an attentive friend. It’s rare when a week passes without my becoming completely absorbed in a project, and forgetting the world outside my own exists. While hyper-focused, days or weeks can pass quickly and with little notice by me. As I’ve aged, my ability to control how deeply I focus on my interests has improved (slightly.) I’m convinced this is a result of my training in the military. It’s where I learned how to focus my energy and interests on my work.
As I watch America crumble under the tiny hands of an authoritarian wannabe, I realize I’m tired of fighting. I’ve been fighting my whole life, not suddenly since The Election. My efforts are more focused thanks to The Resistance, but my stomach has always been tied in knots of frustration as a result of racism, sexism, and humans generally behaving badly. I’m tired. I’m unwilling to compete against millennials and younger in the workforce. It’s unethical to me. It’s their turn, based on how our society revolves around the almighty dollar.
I don’t want to beg to live anymore. I don’t want to worry about being harmed again because of the pigmentation level of my skin or my gender anymore. It made me wary of half the planet. Healing is difficult because the reaction is logical and well advised. It’s also exhausting, and I’m tired. So tired.
So on to the point of this post, finally. 😂 I’m done blogging and want to thank the autistic community for accepting me into the tribe for the most part. (Fuck the ones who harass and emotionally torture other autistics for not having a formal diagnosis. I hate being in the formally diagnosed subgroup for this very reason. It makes me feel like a Republican, and that’s just gross.) 🤢
Thanks for the information and community. It helped me in many ways to know I’m not alone in my challenges in this life. I’ll leave the blog as is in case something I blathered helps someone else. Maybe there’s another autistic black girl who was interracially adopted and racially isolated until entering the military at 17. I want her to know it’s not only survivable but laden with moments of joy. I want her to know those moments are what makes everything else worth the pain. To the rest, I’ll be sending you love and comfort on the spiritual internet. Peace.