I’m going to redesign my blog soon, so this is fair warning. There’s a good chance the new design will closely resemble the original. Visual anchors are important to me, so I don’t stray willy nilly. I’m aiming for visually appealing without being overwhelming. When you spend as much time on auto-pilot as I do, things flow more smoothly when there are no sudden changes. I’m at the point where I can tell the Prozac is no longer present in my system at a high enough concentration to work. I thought I would celebrate this moment, but instead, I’m proceeding with caution.
My intention has evolved to remaining off the drug permanently. I’m at a different stage in life where my priorities have shifted since my last summer Prozac purge. Things that weren’t even on my radar then are now significant. I think this is what’s led to being careful. I’ve mocked the amount of thought, and energy others spend on arranging for sex. It’s been an inside joke with myself for years because my complete absence of libido (thanks to Prozac) made it seem ridic and primal. I’m not laughing anymore. I’m kind of freaking out.
I’m trying to focus on how thankful I am this is happening now, and not when I was younger, and far, far more gullible and impressionable. (Maybe just one far.) M. is more mature than I am. Shocking, I know. 😂 I’m happy with this fact because he’s a good teacher. I’m learning how to be in the moment when in the presence of others. The universe has this lesson on auto-repeat, so I’ve conceded, (finally.) I’m certain I wouldn’t have survived being a kid with today’s internet. Zero doubt, because any kid with a debit or credit card is an adult online.
I’m actually pretty amazed I’m still kicking it, to be honest. (And a little smug because I die hard. 💪🏽) I just had an urge to create a video game that teaches people how to be safer online. (Suppresses the urge to begin a coding marathon.) I’m not very confident with this topic, but don’t know how to dance around it very well. My libido is back, and I forgot everything about being a sexual entity. I’ve lived for years without having it, and it’s like going to bed and waking up as a teenager, the sequel. (Except I involuntarily make a noise when I get up now, sometimes.)
So I’m kinda freaking out, but on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst… Kidding! I’m only mildly freaking. Memorizing Seinfeld has its uses. I know the script for the worst case scenario, so it’s all good. M. has a good attitude about it. Not many men would continue dating a woman who made him sign a No Sex Ever contract, (on the third time hanging out.) At least not many of the ones I’ve met so far. I doubt I’m the only one who uses this method, though. It’s efficient.
A lot of people just want to have sex and are doing the rest of the date to be polite. It saves time to know these things up front. I know about hookups and friends with benefits. It’s more shit that used to crack me up. Suddenly, I get it. I’ve been giggling all day because lots of jokes that weren’t funny (to me) at the time are hilarious today. I’m tripping on how much of an influence sexuality has on perspective. These are all the things most people probably noticed when they were teenagers. Or at least over a gradual transition.
Just one more thing to agonize over when deciding whether or not to take Prozac, I suppose. Everyone’s mileage will vary to some degree. It’s solidified my decision to refrain. I’m tripping and experiencing things I forgot existed, but I’m certain I prefer being the sexual being I was born to be. I also prefer being friends with The Muse and hated being in exile. I regret trading my creativity and sexuality for a comfortable, stable numbness. I realize now it was necessary initially, but not permanently. Any further use will be for stabilization only, (which is unlikely considering how long it takes to reach a therapeutic level.)
Whew. Okay, I’m calmed down now. This is no big deal. Aside from a slight decline in productivity, I see no cons. I’ll be glad when I can go for more than ten minutes without realizing another new implication. I can’t really afford to be more scatterbrained. Also, it’s occurred to me that Stevie Nicks probably has lots of fans who lust for her.
On Prozac, this information wouldn’t have occurred and probably would have led to my feeling concerned for her safety. Off Prozac: Duh! See what I mean? I’m more adulty today than I was yesterday, (it is now.) Yay. And because I’m a kind person, I’m going to stop tripping out loud. You’re welcome! I’m off to beat my drums with sticks.