CW: Aftermath of SA, related triggers.
Fuck. I haven’t pinpointed for certain what I did wrong to cause this round of hell. Deep down, I suspect I know, but the reason pisses me off. I had a birthday last month, and I ate like someone who doesn’t have autism or PTSD. I thought once a year was sufficient moderation. I was wrong. Hence, pissed. Welp. Maybe this means I’m going through The Change, (still only once since The Election.) That would be fair. I guess.
I’m hiding out in my closet. I’m trying to convince myself I’m safe. I’m self-mothering so Siri will tell me when my time is up, (30 minutes.) This is the first time I’ve ever thought my closet is too big. I know there’s no such thing as safe, but I’m willing to negotiate an understanding. I live in a secured building in a community with security, in a smallish city with a reliable police force, in a flyover state, in the Midwest. I don’t need to install motion activated anything in my apartment. Besides, I don’t want to know too much about what my cat does when I’m asleep or away, (I already negotiated an understanding with my germaphobic tendencies.)
I’m only allowing myself to use old coping skills for a day. I’m allowing myself to be afraid, and remember today. The overwhelming shock felt like desperately needing to inhale, but my lungs were already filled to capacity. I got stuck there for a while. My internal music stopped for the first time in my life. The silence was so loud, it wailed. For a long time, I wished I died. It’s figuratively the night I found out math isn’t real. The night the music stopped, and I forgot how to breathe.
I’m angry I was forced to give up my beloved false sense of immortality while still young. I was fucking using that. I wasn’t ready to let go. I was so ambitious and motivated. It still stings to remember how much I’ve changed because of one night. I liked who I was before, and barely got to know her before I became me. I can’t find her anymore. I think she’s dead. I still remember her. She wanted to help end war for good. She had brilliant plans oozing with logic. But she’s gone. I’m what remained plus what I’ve since gained.
I miss her fearlessness. Her eagerness to volunteer and assist. To try new experiences, and take significant risks. I’m far more cautious and careful. But I remember. I’m better at accepting the changes these days. Some would likely have come about in time, regardless, as they’re more prevalent in youth. I’m angry my time as Alison 1.0 was cut short. Sigh. Alison 2.0 cracks me up sometimes. Fucking silver linings (made of Doublemint wrappers.)
I’ve finally figured out how to accept the fact I was naive as well as the fact it wasn’t my fault. (It was fucking rocket science.) Based on the long pause I just took, I’m going to add, barely. I guess I better go back to sticking post-it notes everywhere that say, “It wasn’t your fault.” Usually, they make me think of Good Will Hunting, (at which point I smack it lightly and say, “how ya like them apples?” in my best Boston accent.) It’s a note to my subconscious, so taking them seriously while awake isn’t necessary. It’s such a good movie.
Okay, my time is probably going to run out soon. I’ll just ramble on about the film until it does. I’ve seen it several times, and M. also enjoys it. He’s not bad at speaking in movie quotes, but a lot of my favorites are what he calls chic flicks. (We mostly intersect with blockbusters and sci-fi.) My favorite line in GWH is, “Because fuck him, that’s why.” I should get it on a t-shirt. I’m hitting the treadmill next. Listening to Annabelle Lee by Stevie Nicks on repeat while I run is incredibly comforting. Then a soak with an herbal bath bomb, and finally, starting over with The Dark Tower series by Stephen King. (It’s fucking outstanding.)