I’m overtired. Good thing it’s the weekend. I hyperfocused on coding earlier and now I feel a bit loopy. I got a raise at work today. My boss appreciates my ideas and said I’m making him more money by pointing out wasteful practices (and other obvious shit.) My quirk of despising inefficiency is good for business. Yay. I like my job. I haven’t worked a part-time job since I was a teenager. I worked at Mcdonald’s prior to joining the Army. Heather was the only one of my siblings who didn’t work at Mcdonald’s as a teenager. She got $100 allowance for doing nothing. I’m still a little bit pissed off about it. I know, the lesson is life isn’t fair. Got it. (Deleted 2 paragraphs of me whining about this. You’re welcome.)
I’ve been pondering a move again. I would love to move to California. It would be a nice thing to do for my body. My blood pressure would thank me often. I could use medical marijuana to treat my anxiety, which would free me from the cage it keeps me in too often. I could fall in love with the sea. It calls to me from the Badlands; the pinkish layers of an ancient sea. But something holds me back. Some part of me feels it’s wiser for me to stay and grow from my original roots. I long for the comfort of diversity. Racial isolation is uncomfortable, but I can’t stomach running away from discomfort. This is where I grew up. My location is irrelevant. These are my neighbors. This is my community. I can grow here.
I’ve been thinking about joining a local church. I’ve asked a few friends who know of churches in their area where atheists are welcome. On the surface, it probably seems silly. I’m fine with that. I’m seeking fellowship. I’m too far out on the fringe of my community. I was so preoccupied with my career, I ignored everything else. I’ve since learned this was unwise. I’m embarrassed because it’s obvious if I gave it any thought. I’m not to the point where I yell at random kids to get off my lawn, yet. I’m relieved I got a clue before I went there. I saw a blurb about an LGBTQ+ friendly church somewhere near downtown. That works. I don’t think of myself as LGBTQ+, but it translates to “We don’t do hate” in my eyes.
I’m confident I’ll find what I’m seeking. I should probably go back to calling myself an agnostic. I didn’t make the cut for atheism. There are still humans in my world whose lives and actions defy my ability to be certain. Even now when the world seems to be on fire, they’re steadfast. I’m a keen observer. I take notes. My focus has shifted to learning how to emulate them. A friend and I agreed earlier this year we were going to be empowered women going forward. I have to admit, I like it. It’s not about control or power, it’s about respecting myself to the degree others naturally do the same. I have so many good examples to follow it’s ridic. I love when that happens. I’m off to continue rereading the Wheel of Time series. I just began the first book in the series written by Brandon Sanderson.