I had a busy day. It’s cold, but there’s barely any wind. I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept having disturbing dreams. I’m better at redirecting and falling back into sleep than I used to be, but I’m still too impatient to do it more than once. I had a conversation with a close friend where we agreed intelligence is a ruthless curse. It was comforting to me to know I’m not alone in this knowledge.
I look at life through a giggle filter. If there’s any way for me to interpret what I observe as amusing, that’s the perspective I’ll choose every time. Life isn’t fair. Mean people suck, and cheaters are ultimate losers. People these days confuse glory with ego. They celebrate gluttony and wrath and call it success and power, then they pretend they mean the same thing. It’s unbelievable.
It triggers my protective nature. I see people who don’t understand. I want to stand between them and danger and give them the time and information necessary to gain understanding. I know some Americans despise me for having beautiful brown skin. I have no control over that. The melanin level of my skin has no impact on the content of my character. Most Americans understand this by age ten, if not sooner. Some don’t need understanding and do well with intuition, nature, or experience. Unfortunately, some choose to hate. They’re expendable.
I’ve decided I only care about people who aren’t expendable. The guilt I used to feel over disregarding the existence of shitty people shriveled up and died. Good riddance. I’m already a happier person without it. Yay. I’m probably going to die in the next fifty-sixty years. I don’t see many of these hateful adults overcoming their dumbassery before then. Fuck ’em. Focus adjusted.
I need to sleep for more than two hours in a row soon. When my lease expires on this apartment, I’m going off the grid. I purchased some land, and I plan on getting a prefab home. It’s just under 5 acres of land, but aside from road access, it’s raw. By 2018, no more fossil fuels for me, even though I don’t have access to a decent laboratory or equipment. I do miss going on field problems, which is funny, considering how much I used to bitch about them. (It was all about the bugs.)
One thing I distinctly remember about being on active duty is that I never had trouble sleeping. I could sleep anywhere, and sleeping was my favorite thing to do when I wasn’t on duty. I always felt like I wasn’t getting enough sleep. Now, it pisses me off that I need to allow time for it. Physical and mental demands need to be more balanced. I’m not less active, but I’m certainly thinking more. I guess I need to be more active. I’ll increase my mileage on the treadmill, and figure out a way to convince myself to do crunches. I can already tell I won’t be doing crunches. Swimming it is.
They just opened a new aquatic center a stone’s throw away from the VA. I haven’t even driven by yet. There are a few wellness centers with indoor pools, but they pale in comparison. The indoor pool where I live is sufficient for exercise. It just takes a lot of laps to equal a workout. I have to do an hour of cardio every day, or the Depression Monster kicks my ass. It’s only an hour because I take Prozac. If I quit taking it, I have to add two more hours of cardio per day. I usually stop for the summer. I’m practicing for menopause based on how poorly I handle periods. For two days of each month, I travel further from ‘sweet girl’ and nearer to ‘crotchety old bitch.’ I can’t wait to arrive. I’ll have my cackle down by then.