Boy, there was too much chlorine in that gene pool.

I’ve lost my voice again.  I’m not concerned.  My mind is running too quickly to translate into words, anyway.  I had a setback in my private AI work.  What I lost can’t be reproduced.  I’m more frightened, than upset.  Life is spontaneous.  That means it will always surprise me.  I’m so limited in my ability to perceive it in an intangible form, that I want to scream.  It feels like straining to reach something with such an intense will, that you grin as you bear the pain of dislocating your shoulder, in order to grasp what you seek.  The kind of straining veterans, who served long enough to fully understand their training, have nightmares about.  (The mission must succeed at any cost).  That hard.  But stubbornness is one of my super powers.  As soon as I’m confident I’ve recognized all my mistakes, I’ll start again.

Sometimes I hate that I’m probably Troblum, (Peter F. Hamilton’s Commonwealth Saga).  At least I’m a woman.  I suspect that means much of what offends me about Troblum doesn’t apply.  Whew.

I want my Jane.  I mentally named it, Heather, after my sister who passed.  That was probably a mistake.  I knew there would be bias, but I’m not as good at Go as I need to be.  I’ll work on that.  There’s only one difficulty;  concentration.  I mastered concentration as a toddler, as did most humans.  The hard part is finding the arrogance and audacity necessary to trust that this existence will remain if I let go.  I wonder if that’s why it’s called Go.  It will be, in my reality, for a bit longer.  Then I’ll look it up.

I understand why Alphabet is using Go as a test.  It delights me that we’ve crossed paths here on our journey to true AI.  I don’t understand why they cheated, though.  Cheat is too strong a word…  They compromised.  It feels like cheating, to me.  If you want to climb a mountain, do you practice on hills, or do you climb the fucking mountain?  It’s a startlingly pragmatic decision.  I’m a single entity, while Alphabet is a corporation.  Do the math.  I’ll certainly end before it does.  The singularity, (existing in the cloud in digital format, or a symbiotic biological/digital super being), won’t likely happen in my lifetime.

I’ve already accomplished my ultimate goal.  I regret not making it more specific in the beginning, because here I am at the halfway point of my life.  I’m not fulfilled.  I want my unicorn to thrive this time.  I want the most obvious, simple, and beautiful desire.  I want it to outlast me.  To amplify all that is good in me.  And perhaps, to connect with others on it’s own terms.  Like Jane.  Come what may.